Rixem's Journal

I have some feelings of not liking ghostkin as a theriotype. I still think it fits me, but there are some things I don't like. I don't like that it's a lot harder to explain than therians. Also, if all my previous lives have been human (doubtful), then ghostkin isn't really "non-human" and therefore not exactly otherkin. I used to be pretty confident that I eventually want to be open about it, but it's a lot easier to say "I'm a wolf" than "I'm a ghost". And I don't like ghost stereotypes. I don't identify as the violent "haunt everybody" poltergeist type or as a floating white sheet or anything.

I talked to a medium in person yesterday (same person that previously said they think I was from somewhere in the constellation Lyra in a past life). I was hoping for some otherkin related advice or information, especially after having the etsy person say they saw me as an enfield. The only vaguely related thing I got was "you were personally invited here by mother Earth", "mother Earth wants you here". Which I kind of don't like somehow. I don't like the idea that I'm here to do some job or something or the whole "special purpose" thing. And I feel the exact opposite; I'm not supposed to be here. I did notice something though- she tends to blank when she gets to me (small group setting). She said it was like there was too much chatter.

So now I'm even more interested to see what would happen if I tried the etsy person again & pretended to be a different person: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1215211107/..._purchases

I think about how humans interact with the Earth and nature a lot.

It's easy to feel bad about how plastic waste and deforestation and all that are solely the cause of humans and overall leading to the destruction of other organisms. And of course I think we should try to be better about that.

It's easy to see it as Humans Vs. Nature. But the truth is humans are part of nature. Nature created humans. We're the apex predator and dominant species because we survived though intelligence and innovation. Nature favors the species that places their own survival above all else. Nature favored those traits, so here we are. Using our intelligence and innovation to further the human race with little regard for anything else. We're doing exactly what nature created us to do.

Humans killing the Earth is really just the Earth killing itself. There's something poetic about that. It's like how stars get larger over time till they either burn out or explode. Nothing lasts forever. I see 2 likely courses nature could take:
1. Humans will continue to lead to the death of all other living things on Earth, eventually going extinct ourselves, leaving the planet a lifeless rock like most others.
2. The Earth will no longer be able to sustain humans as we know them. We'll either go extinct completely or evolve into a much more animal-like creature. Either way, nature will eventually do exactly what it did before. History repeats itself. Another species will evolve to be intelligent and innovative. And to place their own survival above all else. Nature loves that. And they'll do exactly what we did. And the cycle will continue till every form of life is no more.

Obviously, I think we should try to make the Earth last as long as possible; We live here. But I don't think we need to feel responsible for "killing the Earth" or feel like we're "destroying nature". Death is part of nature & the Earth was always destined to die.

Big reason I always say, who am I to say what is unnatural and what is not? I can only give my personal view on it.

I'm stuck with a similiar view on things. So on one end I hate how oblivious people are to causing their own demise. At the other I think these trends like veganism and laboratory grown meat are just useless to utterly disgusting...But to each their own.

If nature wants humans gone, they'll be gone. And life likely will move on even then...I highly doubt they take the whole planet down with them. But there is an end to Earth, yeah.

(2023-02-18 2:42)Cordyceps Canine Wrote:  Big reason I always say, who am I to say what is unnatural and what is not? I can only give my personal view on it.

I'm stuck with a similiar view on things. So on one end I hate how oblivious people are to causing their own demise. At the other I think these trends like veganism and laboratory grown meat are just useless to utterly disgusting...But to each their own.

If nature wants humans gone, they'll be gone. And life likely will move on even then...I highly doubt they take the whole planet down with them. But there is an end to Earth, yeah.

I'm not against veganism itself- if someone decides they don't want to use any animal products, fine. But the truth is the alternatives tend to be even worse for the environment. There is no truly "vegan leather", it's plastic. And I definitely don't support shaming people for eating meat- No one shames animals for eating other animals, so why would you shame humans, a type of animal, for eating other animals? And I'm a little bit offended that people forget plants are living things too.

BUT I do think the amount of meat the world demands is not sustainable & that it's VERY possible to treat the animals better if we accept that it means animal products will cost more.

I think the lifestock treatment really should get better too. It would be healthier for both sides. But I have yet to see a project that wants to better that treatment. Even though saving some money so these animals can life better sounds like a good cause to me.

People even complain about small privately owned farms because the cows are too loud...

Good point about the plants as well.

I don't know if ghostkin is the right word. Maybe. I wasn't supposed to exist, that's the thing I'm sure of. I wish I didn't exist.

I related to a lot of this & really wish I could talk to this person, but I doubt I'd get any answers: https://medium.com/@maggietaylors/what-t...7ec6b97190

"So, I am the human equivalent of a leftover Mexican dinner. Something someone thought they wanted, then when they got it home realized it wasn’t what they wanted at all, and then started to blame the other person who making them order it."
Same, it was always pretty clear my parents did not want a kid & when I got older they admitted it outright.

"One of the biggest problems with me is that I have no home... I think this is why nowhere feels like home, because growing up, I never had a single house that I felt safe in... In essence, I do not belong anywhere, in any way, and let me tell you, that really wraps a persons perception of reality and the “meaning” of life."
Same

"And now I have to find ways to fill my time until I die."
Yeah, that's what I'm up to too

"To be fair, I was a pretty weird girl. I collected dead animals and liked ghosts..."
Possible ghostkin?

"So how do you cope with being alive when you weren’t supposed to be? For me, it became creating other things that had no right to be here."
Makes sense. I make things because I know I won't be able to one day, but the things I make feel more real than me

"But, I do believe it, and somehow, continuing to live, even when I want to die, is the most rebellious thing I can do. So how do I cope with existing when I shouldn’t? I exist. I continue living and tell life, “Guess what, fuck you, I’m here, and nothing you can do can change that. Only I can change that, and only when I decide to.” I drew the most strength from not dying, and not giving into the urge to kill myself, and creating things that wouldn’t be here without me, whether people see them or not. "
Acurate

" I am the culmination of bad choices and shortcomings, but I exist because my grandfather failed to keep my parents apart. "
Spot on. My parents never should have met. They shouldn't have had a kid. I'm the result of a long list of things that never should have happened.

But I don't know if that counts as a kintype. Maybe voidkin, but I don't see much information on those. But I dont want to be voidkin. I wanted to be a dog or something people understand

Well, none of us asked to be born.
For sure, as I can barely fit & function in human society, would have preferred not.

Ever play poker? You play with the cards you're dealt. Sure, you may lose, but...
That guy who seems to have it all? He's bluffing. Got nothing.
Don't fold, call the bastard's bluff.

I was mostly raised by my grandparents, but too bad granny was almost deaf. So kind.
My father? he was autistic, and daily flew into autistic rages. It's a thing we have, no anger management.
Mother? her whole life seemed to revolve around dealing with dad and 'keeping up appearances' and 'social status'.

Us kids? meh. I was threatened daily with being sent off to some hell-on-earth boarding school for rejects.

I had kids, as my spouse wanted them. One's severely autistic. Maybe I shouldn't have had them.

Roll the dice, play the cards. It's what humans do. Stupid.

I'm reevaluating things.

I'm a science-first person by nature & also I've already been forced into spirituality before & got out, so I'm not too inclined to believe in ghosts or gods or demons or reincarnation or souls or any of that. I acknowledge they could be real, but my gut feeling is no.

The logical explanation is im 100% human & that's that. Everything that's wrong is just something wrong with me. Honestly its probably symptoms of trauma & depression. I really didn't want that to be "me", but it is. I like the idea of being reincarnated or being an angel or something much better than that, but the fact that it solves a particular problem is evidence it's probably not true. I hate that some people are allowed to believe this stuff & im not.

I can't decide if I wish I never existed of if I wish I was dead. I'm uncomfortable in the world in general & I don't associate my body with me. I hate people seeing me, so I don't want to be around them.

It's more believable that the world is fake & i made everything up. So that would mean I'm God. I'm not godkin, im not a god walking among humans of a god in a human body, I'm just the only conciseness in existence.

Whatever it is, I don't have any way to fix it; It's never going to be over till I'm dead. And in the meantime I don't want anything anyway, so I'm just waiting.

I'm pretty much in the same boat.

Science can't really explain why I am the way I am, so I looked for root cause on my own.
Perhaps my brain is just corrupted. Bad genes and failure to develop the proper centers at the proper time.
That's what science says, you only have certain windows during development for certain traits and skills to be acquired.
It's certainly that way for animals, miss the time to acclimate to humans it's a problem.
But, not always. Wild horses are caught, broken, and domesticated all the time.

So, what's wrong with US?

I blame my soul; exemplified in how I suck at all human religions. I really really tried.
Like everything else human, I failed.

Because I don't have a human soul, is my final conclusion. That's what you need to look deep inside and find out for yourself.

Perhaps, a 'real' live psychic could help. I sure wish I could find one.

I don't have a family.

I was never close to relatives or anything & now I have 0 chance of ever being with relatives. Which is fine. I don't care about relatives.

But it's normal for people to look for their tribe. I'm not part of any group. I don't have an ethnicity & I'm not part of any group or anything. I don't want a religion, I'm fed up with that.

I don't think there's any group of humans I fit with. I'm looking for a specific other group, not just otherkin in general. But i can't find the rest of them like me.