Rixem's Journal

What I think is encouraging and quite remarkable, Rixem, is that you are actively questioning and exploring. This is very important because this sort of 'skepticism' is what insulates and helps protect you from becoming lost in what you want or wish to be true.

Like you I never experienced shifts and the attributes can be ambiguous too. No phantom anything either so what do we really have to go on then? All I have to go by is vague impressions as well as my own reactions to certain things. My body..well, I wish I had a better one that is not beset by back and joint issues and yes, for some reason I do feel a bit restricted in this body but my therian/kintype was not really fluid rather my interpretation and definition of it was inaccurate.

At any rate, fighting what we are is not helpful but understanding and learning to channel those aspects in a way that helps us will be conducive in the long run.

I go now 'cuz my coffee meter is way, WAY down. (just pretend it is a mug of coffee)

(2023-02-04 7:31)Sedim Haba Wrote:  IDK, being unsure is better than being wrong.

True, but in the real world it pays more to be confident than to be right.

(2023-02-04 7:31)Sedim Haba Wrote:  IDK, being unsure is better than being wrong.

I mean, I was wrong about Horse. I think. I relate to Horse different now, but still not really sure.

I was TOLD what my kintype was, in a dream. Seemed to click, but maybe confirmation bias?
Dreams hold special significance to me, but in the end it's still just a dream.
I still don't know that much about Shedim/Djinn, but then, nobody does.
Makes it much harder than known types like animals, because they exist in this world.

You are a Seeker, and while that's uncomfortable, it's also exciting. The possibilities are endless.

This right here. Hence I'm quoting it, and adding my own version.

This annoying frustration is something I can probably write a book about. Well, likely already accidentally have. It's called "private journal."

I didn't meet my kintype in a dream. But it felt like I crashed right into the darn thing and there was my "Pye-dog awakening" I guess. I don't know if this has anything to do with a dog or if it's just my mind having built a dog to match me, or the side of me it wanted me to notice and understand. There was no choice and I often feel not animal enough among therians. The first interactions with this dog-me were utterly chaotic and they still manage to be on occasion.

I go from being open to completely trying to prove this is all nonsensical. And I fail at the second one. Again and again. Then I'm annoyed at that fact because "I don't want to be crazy".

Then I go back to accepting it, and soon feel utterly lost and alone. Because it's like I'm too different from therians. Pye-dog could be some sort of spiritual/mental guide. I don't know 100%. She responds to theriotype and my inner animal/soul animal. That's it. And I've tried with the terms a whole bunch.

Then when I experience something "therian", I don't even want to accept it as real. It's like I want to believe that there is something to this oddness, yet at the same time I hope that absolutely is not the case. Because for me, it also brings back bad memories.

But...whatever this is, term or no term, it is something. Even subconscious brain stuff is something. Trying to push it away as nothing real at all, while it remains an experience of some kind. It might end in cognitive dissonance and that is stressful. I run into that often, just 2 clashing worldviews and me inbetween.

That's a tough spot to be in. But one side will eventually win you over. It gets less frustrating the less you fight it. Being skeptical is a good thing. But it's possible to go too extreme on both ends.

I hope you get what I'm trying to say. It's the best I can word it. Keep your head up!

I tried a few guided meditations related specifically to finding your kintype, so here are my experiences

Are You Otherkin/Therian? Guided Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEbFhkU3NWo


3:45
"Imagine the most beautiful place you could possibly think of; Something that feels like home"
The first thing that came to mind is a real place I know. Outdoors, grassy hills, rustic barn, horses.
As she talked, that changed a few times, but I think I was being influenced by suggestions.
It settled on a real place that I have not been to, but that I saw in a dream; Big Bend National Park.


4:18
"Take in what your feet look like"
Big paws. They looked a lot like the feet on my current avatar (the human-enfield one). I may have been influenced by that though.

6:16
Imagine you're walking around a corner & you see a being who's the same as you
I found this interesting.
He looked a lot like what @Sedimhaba described as the shidu. Male, long grey/white hair, possibly old (definitely not young), large scaly bird feet, hand look scaly too, white feathers on arms (not separate wings, just feathers on arms as if the arms are wing-like, like my human-enfeild avatar).
But I think this could have been influenced by seeing this picture in @sedimhabas post:

---

Connect With Your Kin Type: A Guided Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPutteadSGM


2:35
"picture yourself in a room..."
The first thing that came to mind was the room that I was actually in, but with no furniture.
It changed to a long dark hallway lined with stained glass windows. The closest thing I can think of is this location from My Little Pony, but this artist's version is closer:


3:30
look out a window, notice what you see
No people or animals, just trees & a stream & some mountains in the distance.

6:10
look at yourself in a mirror
Looks a lot like my current avatar (human-enfeild) actually, but I could have been influenced by that. Scaly bird feet, werewolf looking hands, either feathers of fur on the head & back (unsure), seems to be pale in color.

11:41
"walk back through the door"
There are red roses on either side of the door for some reason

New news: I'm pretty confident I do not have an animal soul or was meant for an animal body

* the only phantom limbs I feel and have felt my whole life are movable ears
* I dont get cravings for foods out of the realm of normal human foods (but to be fair, humans can eat nearly anything)
* no past memories of being an animal, no dreams or being an animal, no shifts, no connection to a specific animal
* i don't get any "urges" or odd behaviors that I would associate with an animal

I don't necessarily think I'm NOT therian, but I think it's in a different way than most therians. If past lives are real, I think I've lived as various animals at different times. That would explain the phantom ears (since LOTS of animals have rotating ears), but also why I don't associate myself with any particular type of animal.

And even bigger news: I think I might have some idea of what I might be.

This was my first post ever on OKP:

(2022-11-01 17:54)Rixem Wrote:  • I’ve never felt like I belong here. I’m unwelcome no matter where I am or who I’m around. No one looks like me, not even among my relatives. I’ve never been close with family.
• I always felt different than everybody else, and in a lot of objective ways I was. But I think in the modern world, everyone thinks they’re different than everybody else. Maybe people like to feel special or like they’re not just living dull, pointless lives. I always hated the idea of a “normal” life. Maybe that’s just everyone.
• I often feel a sense of “wanting to go home” even when I’m at home.
• I’ve never associated my body with me. I don’t recognize myself in mirrors or pictures. I don’t look the way I’m supposed to look. But maybe everybody just feels that way & pretending to be something else is just a way escape the painful reality. I don’t know specifically what’s wrong with my body, I don’t think I’m ugly, it’s just not me. I would just be a big glowy ball if I could be anything. Like a star. I’ve only ever heard one other person say that. Maybe we’re both crazy.
• I’ve never associated my name with me. I hate my real name, all of it. I want to change it. But there are no names for me.
• I’m not 100% sold on supernatural stuff, but a medium recently told me she thinks maybe I’m a starseed from the Lyra constellation. I briefly liked that idea a lot & thought it explained everything. But overall, I don’t really believe it. It’s sad that it’s not real though.

In fact, the more I think, the more I think nothing exists at all. The whole universe & everything in it could just be me dreaming & I would never know the difference. I can never be certain I’m not the only consciousness in existence.

I initially was looking into energy beings.
More than feeling like my body’s wrong, I feel like I’m not supposed to have a physical body.

Here’s a post a made a while ago:

(2023-01-08 5:47)Rixem Wrote:  Is anybody ghostkin?
Would that be a subtype of energy being since they don't have a body?
If you think you've lived past lives, are you automatically ghostkin since you've been dead before?
I think ghostkin kind of fits me better than anything else so far. I grew up not believing in ghosts or reincarnation though, so I don't know.

At the time, I thought it was something I made up. But no, there are actual ghost-kin.
https://haunthearted.tumblr.com/post/151...e-ghostkin
https://www.reddit.com/r/otherkin/commen...an_to_you/
https://www.quotev.com/quiz/13685471/ans...kin/result

There are a lot of definitions of “ghosts” varying from culture to culture, but I’m using the word to mean spirits of the dead. Ghosts could be real; A lot of people believe in souls, an afterlife, even reincarnation. It’s possible ghosts are unable to interact with the physical world and/or souls go somewhere else after death; That would mean we wouldn’t have any way to know they exist.
People claim not to believe in “ghosts” where I grew up. But also, people say you should always say hello when visiting a cemetery because the dead can hear you. Which qualifies as a ghost to me. They don’t have to be the scary poltergeist movie monsters or a white sheet with 2 black eyes or anything.

So here’s my hypothesis:
When a soul has been through just a few lifetimes, the person may retain some connection to those lifetimes in the form of past life memories or a connection to the type of body they used to have. This would explain therians with one or more types. (May not be the case for ALL therians, but some.) This could also work for some transgender people. (Not all, but some).
But when a soul has lived too many lifetimes to count, all the lives start to blur together. There’s no connection to a specific life or specific body they were incarnated into. There may be a connection to the “in between” state- being a ghost- since they’ve likely spent a lot of time there. Ghostkin.

Some extra


• For a while I had thought the right word for me was “spirit”. I put fae & angels in this category. Fae have sometimes been thought to be spirits of the dead & some people think good people become angels when they die, so they’re somewhat related.
• I see death as a normal natural thing. There’s no sense of fear or disgust like a lot of people. I’m not against killing animals to eat; There’s nothing humans can gain nutrition from that wasn’t once alive, even plants are living things. It’s normal. This might be a cultural thing or might be a ghostkin thing.
• Depression & thoughts of suicide seem to be not uncommon among otherkin (or we’re just more open about it?), but for me it’s more than that. Even after getting a lot better. I see it as “home”. I feel like I’ve been dead before. Even though I don’t remember any past lives. (To be fair, a lot of people who experience suicidal ideation say they “want to go home”. So this could be a depression thing or a stress relief thing or a ghostkin thing. But it could also be all 3.)
• Also while on that topic, here’s an art project: https://www.instagram.com/doorsbeyondminds/ . I made these when things were particularly tough. I consider this project my biggest achievement ever. Some look stupid, but I knew it when I made them too, so I don’t care. (Note that each post has 2 pages; a cover page that discloses any trigger warnings & then the actual art is the second page.)
• I’ve never seen or interacted with a ghost as far as I know. I’ve only been to one séance & 0 ghosts had anything to say to me.
• I tend to find horror movie ghosts boring. I like it much better when ghosts are the good guys. (A great example that comes to mind is “The Black Phone”.) The concept of fearing ghosts comes from fearing death in general.
• There’s still a connection to the Enfield fox; “In Celtic tales, Enfields had the role of being the guardian of the leaders fallen in battle. The Celts believed in giving their dead a proper burial ceremony which gave them a motivational disadvantage as their enemies would try their best to steal the bodies of the chieftains and, to put it into milder words, disgrace them. This meant, in Celtic culture, that the deceased would be cursed to never find peace in the afterlife unless properly avenged. The want for a guardian of their fallen, made the Celts conjure forward the Enfield, a fierce defender to protect the lifeless body of their chieftains, remaining by the dead man’s side and protecting the body from anyone with ill intent.” https://starlitden.wordpress.com/2019/09...e-enfield/ So maybe the enfeild isn’t a kintype, more like a guardian angel or spirit animal.

I'm odd when it comes to being a therian as well. At least when the identity-talk starts. I think it's false to say I identify as a dog. It's not the case. I just apparently am one on some level, and this Pye-dog isn't a regular dog either. Whether that is because it's a dog within a person or something else, I don't know.

I do know that when identity and internal images are concerned, what is essentially my fursona comes first and is interchangeable with human-me. It's something I might make a post about, since I don't know if it's odd or normal really.

I don't think I've had a past life. But then again, it's not like you just know that. Perhaps I did, hence the connection to space and stuff. But according to some sources, this also could come back to Djinn once again.

I've also never tried meditation. I feel like I shouldn't just jump into it with guided ones if I don't even understand what mindset I need to be in? And how to get there. And I keep chickening out of divination stuff due to being unable to meditate.

If Ghostkin continues to feel correct, that might be something I'd say. There are quite a few reincarnation or ghost encounters stories online. Yeah, they can't be proven as fact but it's facinating.

---

I'd say people fear the unknown. That's why they make death the bad guy. That's why they make ghosts or spirits the bad guys. That's why they make aliens the bad guys. No clue why the unknown is terrifying, I fear the things I know will harm me. But that's just me.

Might be cultural or learned perspective, but I like your view on death. It's realistic to me.

(2023-02-08 21:45)Cordyceps Canine Wrote:  I'd say people fear the unknown. That's why they make death the bad guy. That's why they make ghosts or spirits the bad guys. That's why they make aliens the bad guys. No clue why the unknown is terrifying, I fear the things I know will harm me. But that's just me.

It's likely ingrained in our DNA through evolution. Our ancestors assumed the unknown was dangerous lived to fight another day, meanwhile other humans got eaten or fell down holes or stuff. For most of history, fearing the unknown kept people safe. Now, it's more of a hindrance than an adaptation.

(2023-02-08 21:27)Rixem Wrote:  • There’s still a connection to the Enfield fox; “In Celtic tales, Enfields had the role of being the guardian of the leaders fallen in battle. The Celts believed in giving their dead a proper burial ceremony which gave them a motivational disadvantage as their enemies would try their best to steal the bodies of the chieftains and, to put it into milder words, disgrace them. This meant, in Celtic culture, that the deceased would be cursed to never find peace in the afterlife unless properly avenged. The want for a guardian of their fallen, made the Celts conjure forward the Enfield, a fierce defender to protect the lifeless body of their chieftains, remaining by the dead man’s side and protecting the body from anyone with ill intent.” https://starlitden.wordpress.com/2019/09...e-enfield/ So maybe the enfeild isn’t a kintype, more like a guardian angel or spirit animal.

https://field-monuments.galwaycommunityh...lconnell-2
"This interesting plaque in Kilconnel Abbey may have originated from a much larger wall tomb. It bears the arms of the O’ Kelly’s. It bears an O’ Kelly tower house flanked by a pair of Lions rampant. The crest consists of an ‘Enfield’."


https://field-monuments.galwaycommunityh...kilconnell
"Limestone plaque probably part of a larger wall tomb bearing the O’Kelly Coat of Arms in Kilconnell Friary. The O’Kellys were the founders of the abbey and have burial rights there."
(If you look close, you can se a fox-ish shape at the center top)