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Hey,

Thanks you two for the replies! I have been going through some stuff with my work which ...has not been comfortable. Basically myself and a customer got into a spat recently (he wanted something that it wasn't our job to give him, I continuously said "no" and he got upset and started personally insulting me and didn't want to go away until he forced me to give him what he wanted). Basically the problem, I think, was that he saw me as a little girl that he could push around. The problem on my end is that I've been thinking like I am a little girl he could push around. My supervisor told me that next time this happens, I can be "nice" and give them what they want to preserve my own safety and prevent escalation. However, I'm all like "why do you think I want to be 'nice' to someone like that?!" Why do you think I want to be 'nice' at all? Being 'nice' (or wanting to be) is often exploited as a weakness, and in my mind comes off as rewarding stupid behavior. Like I'm going to *help* someone who it's not my job to help just because he's upset, and after he's insulted me? Or do I just pity the idiot who can't control his own behavior?

Hehehe...it's funny because I realized right before I got up this last time, that the reason I was feeling scared was that I was denying that in all likelihood, I'm badder than he is. I am, after all, a person that's been involved in Demonolatry and Satanism, been abused and socially outcast, formed an identity around being socially outcast, see myself as a demon. Wanted to punch dude in the face when he started insulting me (but it isn't wise to strike the first blow in my State). Eventually (in anger) ordered him to leave.

I think part of the reason I'd been scared is that he was acting a way that people aren't "supposed to" act towards each other, so that introduced a variable which wondered how far he would go to upset me. Then I started fantasizing about what I could do to *him* as versus what he might try to do to *me*...which was actually super calming and happy-making...especially as I realized that in my fear about what he might want to do to me, I was projecting my shadow onto him. If he knew what I was thinking, he'd stay the hell away. This also introduced the variable that *thinking* about doing something, or *wanting* to do something, is different than actually doing it. He may *want* to hurt me, but wanting to do it and actually doing it are two different things.

I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet, and wonder if that would even be a good idea at all. Or do I keep my fantasies to myself? *laughs*

Okay, I've got to go now. Be aware that I'm not directly threatening violence to anyone, just discussing the healing/empowering influence of awful fantasies. XD I'll be back later...
Having violent fantasies about people who piss you off is pretty common I think, but just in case, I'd suggest keeping them to yourself. I made the mistake of telling people I was having extremely violent fantasies when I was younger and the fall out from that was unpleasant to say the least.
Hey Edge!

Edge Wrote:Having violent fantasies about people who piss you off is pretty common I think, but just in case, I'd suggest keeping them to yourself. I made the mistake of telling people I was having extremely violent fantasies when I was younger and the fall out from that was unpleasant to say the least.
Thanks for the tip. I actually did talk about writing what I wrote, with someone real close to me, who then asked me why I wrote what I did, and I told them "because I didn't think I could talk to you about it." The person then didn't attack me (even though they seemed like they might have been gearing up to, before).

I'm familiar with the law in the place that I live, that there's really not much anyone can do unless I threaten imminent harm to someone else or myself -- that is, not just fantasizing about something, but planning on doing it. "Thought crimes" don't exist. I'm a legal adult, so I can't be committed involuntarily to a psych ward.

I've been giving some thought to just why it was that it felt so good to turn the tables in my mind, and I think part of it was the sheer humor of reversing the situation. And part of it was admitting to myself that I am not powerless, even though I had been thinking like I was, and even though I've been told to act like I am. I have a history of attempting to inhabit, thus understand, the space of those who accost me, though I think that in this case it was only a loose inhabitance (as dude's actions were so unintelligent that I had a hard time connecting with them). I'm still dealing with some aftermath of what appeared to be sexual body language directed at me from him, but once I realized that it wasn't all in my head and he *had* actually pulled out the "I'm a man therefore you [being female] are subjugate to me" card, it's easier to understand...'cause that's the last card he had to play. Hopefully, he doesn't come back.
Using violence and force to get what you want, I've noticed, isn't primarily a masculine thing. It exists in both males and females. However, using the "man" card had been, for some time, a socially acceptable way to enact violence upon others, primarily women.

Many men will still do it, but they're more and more lacking a leg to stand on with it. It stems from improper social conditioning and insecurity. Males can have just as much insecurity over themselves as females, but society's taught them that at least they have half the population they can always be "better" than. When someone comes along during their bout of insecurity and proves that no, they are not superior, that superiority is a fallacy and that power is not guaranteed, they lash out physically in order to "compensate" for the inferiority and weakness that they feel.

It's comparable to a schoolyard bully. They're insecure and not confident in themselves, but they think they can put on a tough face and thereby maintain a notoriety that others will respect them for, thereby building their confidence. Challenge that, and they will beat you up, tease you, or otherwise belittle you. They feel they need to do that, to establish that pecking order, so that they won't be thrown to the bottom of that imaginary hierarchy themselves.

That, of course, doesn't mean it's right. I feel bullies and sexist arseholes should be frequently taken down a notch. However, direct confrontation can usually bring about physical outlash, which can be dangerous. I tend to pseudo-buddy-up with bullies, then converse with them in a calm, pleasant tone until I can lay their own truth out before them.

Aka, the standard "mindf**k".
simim23 Wrote:Using violence and force to get what you want, I've noticed, isn't primarily a masculine thing. It exists in both males and females.
Some of the most violent people in mythology are women. Just look at Sekmet, Astarte, Anat, Kali, Badb, Nemain, and any other war goddess archetype.
On the subject of arbitrary and illogical gender roles, it's kind of funny that for the past long while, there's been this idea that men have to be strong, but many people confuse "strong" with "running away from one's problems."
Edge Wrote:
simim23 Wrote:Using violence and force to get what you want, I've noticed, isn't primarily a masculine thing. It exists in both males and females.
Some of the most violent people in mythology are women. Just look at Sekmet, Astarte, Anat, Kali, Badb, Nemain, and any other war goddess archetype.
On the subject of arbitrary and illogical gender roles, it's kind of funny that for the past long while, there's been this idea that men have to be strong, but many people confuse "strong" with "running away from one's problems."

Reading this reminds me that mainstream American culture/society is predominantly Christian and as most non-Christians know, women were demonized by the church. So it's not really surprising then that in today's world, at least in America, women are supposed to be demure and polite and not strong or violent. Although other, non-Christian, cultures seem to have recognized for centuries that that's bullshit.
Elinox Wrote:
Edge Wrote:
simim23 Wrote:Using violence and force to get what you want, I've noticed, isn't primarily a masculine thing. It exists in both males and females.
Some of the most violent people in mythology are women. Just look at Sekmet, Astarte, Anat, Kali, Badb, Nemain, and any other war goddess archetype.
On the subject of arbitrary and illogical gender roles, it's kind of funny that for the past long while, there's been this idea that men have to be strong, but many people confuse "strong" with "running away from one's problems."

Reading this reminds me that mainstream American culture/society is predominantly Christian and as most non-Christians know, women were demonized by the church. So it's not really surprising then that in today's world, at least in America, women are supposed to be demure and polite and not strong or violent. Although other, non-Christian, cultures seem to have recognized for centuries that that's bullshit.
In my opinion females are divine, they are the source of life. Also most of (99.9%) females hate me because of my kin type, but my opinion about women won't change.
Why would they hate you because of your kin type?
kaytan Wrote:In my opinion females are divine, they are the source of life. Also most of (99.9%) females hate me because of my kin type, but my opinion about women won't change.

But females can't make that life without males -- it's not like the eggs get fertilized on their own. Anyway, why would they? I know several female demonkin and I have several female friends who adore demonology and the myths of demons.

~ Arawn
That's because of a curse...
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