OtherkinPhenomena: Forum

Full Version: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
Pages: 1 2 3
After talking with someone, I've reached the point where I think I have a lock (at least temporarily) on who I am, in regard to gender. (I'm placing this here because of what I've been talking about earlier in the thread.)

I know I'm fluid in my expression, but I think that arching over that is the realization that I'm female, but not a woman, and not quite a man. I think part of what has really terrified me about the concept of gender transition is that I really don't know how to be a man, and so having the thought that I'd be expected to be one suddenly appear on the radar, is scary to me. I don't think that I desire male embodiment, so much as desiring to be seen as who I am. Who I am, in my case, is not a woman, though I am OK with a feminized body. If I get to work, I will also be able to masculinize this a bit, without medical intervention.

Right now I've got a pretty "queered" presentation going on, which is helping immensely with my own feelings of comfort. Ideally I would look prettier (particularly where my hair's concerned -- I keep wanting to have a braided ponytail), but the trouble with putting effort into being pretty that is that it attracts a lot of sexual attention from (probably straight) men, that I'm not OK with -- because in the process, I'm misrecognized as a woman. It's also a lot of maintenance, which becomes drudgery when it keeps getting you seen as someone you're not, and you've got time invested in being able to have that presentation (i.e. months or years of growing your hair out).

When things are like they are now, and I am not really trying very hard, and I appear in some way not-straight, it's easier -- because guys take the cue and keep a respectful distance. This was really one of the biggest triggers I've had, so having it taken away is really refreshing. Having short hair is extremely convenient when it comes to hygiene, so it is likely a good thing to keep it short if I want to exercise (or shower frequently, anyway). I think it would be easier to have a more feminine style if I gained a good deal of muscle bulk, which in my case may be the same thing as physical transition <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> (female-to-butch, yeah?) -- but the thing is, I'm really not sure that starting testosterone is a good idea, right now, because I may not need it. Starting testosterone would take away my ability to slide under the radar as -- I'm guessing I'm seen as a lesbian female -- and put me into transmale territory, which seems to be a lot more intense.

I'm not sure in my case that the gain would be enough to offset that. The only real gain that I can see going on there is with the curiosity I have around being included as a queer man by other queer men, which is an arena that's been historically mostly-closed to me. But I think that if I did testosterone simply to be included, I very well might come not to like the way I look in the mirror.

So I think I've reached a point of at least semi-solidity there, at least for now. The next step is to regain my muscle mass and see where that puts me and how I feel about it, and if I want more changes after that -- though at this point I don't think the gains from testosterone will be enough to offset what testosterone will take away.

Another thing which I've noticed, referencing the "taste" element that I noted above: I seem to have a relatively good barometer as to which guys are to be avoided and which are safe. Two of the guys that I got really bad vibes off of in my work environment (leading to my silence around them), have basically shown themselves to not be trustworthy. (Neither of them work there, now.)

What's interesting is taking the insights that I've gotten from the otherkin topic and applying them to the gender topic. It seems to help me understand people when they say they finally identify with their image...it's the same feeling I get when I'm dealing with issues that have to do with demons, drawing demons, making up stories about demons. I don't know how or why.

So I've addressed the gender-identity portion and mentioned in passing the otherkin portion. What is left is the plurality portion, yeah? and how that ties into the creativity...which I have neither the time nor energy to address at this point!

I'll be back later on; I just wanted to mention this before it slipped my mind.
Elinox Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:Do you think it's possible for me to be daemonkin and have taken on (or created) multiple forms?
The best advice I can offer you is to not over-think your otherkin identity. Try meditation and looking inside yourself to see how you feel. Analyze the feelings and see where that leads you.
Hi Eli,

I realize I'm a bit late on this, but I was wondering about meditation methods. A while back I got a book called _The Meditation Handbook: The Practical Guide to Eastern and Western Meditation Techniques_ by David Fontana. I'd found it at a library and picked it up because it looked interesting. Right now I know a few types of meditation: walking, yoga, sitting, and lying-down. I'm not sure yet which would be most useful, or if the book I've got is useful. It seems that a lot of meditation ties into religion, and I've been repeatedly let down by religion, so there is a kind of "grating" that happens when I read uncritical texts.

In addition, I'm kind of scared to activate a particular persona (the one who was into Buddhism), though I'm not entirely sure why that is (other than fear of obliteration, I'm thinking -- I myself never got deeply enough into the Buddhism to see expressly what was meant by "nirvana" other than value judgments, so ...the pursuit of what might seem to me to be a lack of rebirth and lack of self is a bit scary). I'm guessing that I'm just looking for a bit of support around this. It's hard for me to get up the will to meditate, because it feels like I'm wasting time...but it may be beneficial for me at this juncture.

-- A.
I don't think meditation always has to revolve around religion, I certainly never used it to help me meditate. The only method of meditation I've ever tried though is the 'lie on your back in a dark and quiet room, clear your mind, etc.' method.

I would think that for your purposes you don't necessarily need to go deep into meditation, just try relaxing and thinking about all the things which point you to identifying as 'kin. I'd say let images/feelings come and go and then once you're done, write everything you remember down. Repeat this process for awhile and see if you can draw any conclusions from your notes. Repetition should help, both in the meditation practice and in figuring yourself out.
Thank you! <3 <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin -->
Update...

Okay, so...a while back, I mentioned the draconic form I'd experienced which had the (slightly flexible) spires growing off of my back? Well, now there's leather attached to those spires and to my (long) tail, and gigantic wings. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> The spires were originally white, but the leather itself is black. What's coming clearest to me are the jointedness of the wings (which follow arm and finger joints), and the way they fold up (which do not). Folded, they appear like bat wings. Also, I'm dealing with heavy claws (and fewer fingers/toes) on my fingers and toes (close in mass to what I've seen on sabertooth skeletons), and a stance which is digitigrade.

I really don't know what this means, but it is a pretty cool form. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> It seems pretty heavy-duty and compact, though, save the shanks of the feet, which are much longer than human ones. I also realized that for this form to be capable of flight, the wings would have to be gigantic, and they are...

All right, got to leave for now. Will be back later. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->
A note on the gender exploration...

Recently, I got a haircut. This haircut is extremely androgynous, even though the person who did it was aiming for "feminine" (which I had not said that I wanted). So basically, right now, when I dress in mens' gear and have my hair normally, and act normally, I look basically like a female boy. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> Which...I guess sometimes, I am?

I am not entirely sure I like this. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> But hey, hair grows out. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

This is in addition to my having started hormonal birth control about a month ago, which has contributed to lessening some of the symptoms I was having from my (naturally) high testosterone levels...I've had a good amount of weight loss (particularly in the belly -- though this is 6 lbs., max), and my skin is clearing up. I think it's a good thing that I tried to correct the hormonal imbalance before trying testosterone, as right now I'm really really androgynous, and when that veers too far to the "male" side (like when I'm wearing entirely mens' clothes), I get a little iffy as to whether I like it or not. I mean, I have wanted to look male, but appearing seriously masculine with a female voice makes me kind of nervous, because I'm unsure as to whether I'm coming off as a 13-year-old boy. <!-- s:| --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_neutral.gif" alt=":|" title="Neutral" /><!-- s:| --> Plus, I haven't yet been able to hit the sweet spot where I look like a boy and also "pretty," which is probably harder when you have really short hair.

I still haven't been exercising regularly, so all the additional musculature I have is from lifting things at work, but still that is something...though I have entirely *no idea* as to what I'm going to look like with outright mens' clothes and a short haircut and muscle bulk, as I don't think I've ever really done that to that extreme, before. I'm guessing it'll get me seen as older, but it could be harder to manage "yes I am female" when I'm looking really really masculine. (Female with "he" pronouns, as I'm using outside of work and family? ...I don't know yet.)

Besides my self-criticality, the random straight men have not been hitting on me or playing sexist ego-trip cards, so that is nice. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> The difficulty at this point is majorly image control...how do I dress, and is it okay to dress as different genders on different days, without raising eyebrows or being reverted back to "girl" status? The latter is what I'm struggling with; how to remain being taken seriously as not-a-girl when I'm not consistently presenting as male (with "not-a-girl" and "male" not actually being the same thing; this just being how non-trans* people seem to generally see things). *sighs* With summer coming up, though, I can see moving back into some clothes that are not so concealing. I just have no idea what this is going to look like yet, though.

Alright, got to go...will probably check back later. Thanks for tolerating the gender stuff in my "what the $%&@ am I" thread... <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I figure it's all connected. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->
Ah yes the old "what am I question ? ". I ask myself the same thing . I had a very interesting dream if that's what it was earlier this year . Basically I was having some random dream when suddenly my awarness changes and I can't move . I thought it might be another try for an attack of those tiresome being who try and attack me in sleep paralysis so I fought against whatever was holding me . Then I get an image of a circle with a goat head in the middle . I had never seen that during these episodes so I was curious and stopped fighting . Next I'm in some unknown location and I feel a presence . I don't clearly see any being but I get glimpses of what looks like a young man with long dark hair . Not someone I have ever seen though .

I began to speak to the entity

Me: Are you Lucifer ? ( I probably asked this as I had been trying to see if I could get through to that being somehow and based on the symbol I saw earlier)
Entity: Yes I am
Me: I have a question for you
Lucifer: Yes I know
Me : Who am I , what am I ?
Lucifer : You're the son of Megiddo ( he might have also said sun of Megiddo, I can't be sure of that) .

The dream ended after that

Now while I'm quite aware of Megiddo being a location in Israel and the idea that some fundamentalists believe the battle of armageddon will take place there , the statement made by the entity doesn't really make sense to me and I have not been able to find anything like that online or in my literature . Very frustrating.
Hey,

Figured I might as well talk here if I wanted to get some responses not necessarily from people I already know offline. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> I think I've come to a relatively stable place as regards my gender identity. I'm fluid, but the reference point of that fluidity is slightly to the masculine side of neutral. It's still about 60/40, percentage-wise, although I'm now on my fourth lunar month of hormonal birth control and am uncertain as to whether I like some of the changes. Facial hair grows in more slowly, chest is getting slightly bigger, fat is basically disappearing from my upper body and my belly's gone down. Oh, and less acne, though I still have to keep up with hygiene.

I also at this time have cause to think that I'm energetically sensitive...which I believe causes a lot of my shifts. Because of this, I'm uncertain that all of the beings, through whose psyches I've experienced myself, are actually literally "me" in a meaningful way, instead of my being a channel or conduit and keeping myself in practice. Because of that, I have reason to question the specifically demonic aspect of my identity. It seems reasonable to think that I might just have attracted some "demons" (or otherwise, beings who have identified with demons) and have experienced their psyches at various times. And yes, there is the over-intellectualizing that I already know can get me into a quagmire.

I was talking with someone who has known me from some ways back and was discussing that I felt I had moved into a more shamanistic place, even though I do not know much about shamanism, academically. This person said that it seemed that my history with what I termed "dark religion" gave me more balance in moving forward. I'd tend to agree; I find myself more neutral-to-gently-shining now than dark. So basically, I've realized that having shamanistic leanings does not mean that I need to rely on what there is of my Native American cultural heritage, and that there is a lot that points to an Asian background, ironically geographically closer to the place where the term "shaman" was taken from. This is an East Asian cultural milieu, which in turn points to either myself or my spirits having been human there. (Unless, that is, there is a spirit society reflecting the human one, which I have reason to believe there may be.)

This, at least, seems like it fits, and the circumstances of my birth would seem to both be 1) ominous, and 2) explain the gender-identity portion of this (it's been hypothesized that an endocrine bath at one of two windows of time in-utero will masculinize a female brain), which in turn is used in some societies as a predictor of somehow being special or marked. I did some scant research in my University days which linked symptoms of certain psychiatric disorders with shamanic practitioners. I'm not sure what to make of this, except to note that I fit what patterns I could see -- the disorders named were not all of the same label, it was more of a generic "this person doesn't have a normal thought process for someone of Western European heritage." So far as I've been told, neither the route of arising nor the disease process of the specific disorder I deal with is understood, and there are cases where the symptoms will appear and then disappear, never to return again...which is curious.

So I've had this thing going for a while, thinking about myself as a demon. Specifically a demon jeweler. I am not sure whether this is an outgrowth of some roleplay thing I did when I was younger, or otherwise just a creation of mine, but I've not had the negativity recently that marked the time that I was really unable to avoid that identity (basically being moody and not-too-thrilled with people and unapologetic for being so). I suppose I could still be a demonic being who was able to avoid thinking about being demonic for a while, but really I think that it's possible that my shifts (between identities) are largely due to sensitivity and learning how to manage that sensitivity, and not due to being a creature of chaos (which was a good explanation when I didn't know that there could be other beings using my form, and I thought it was all me). Maybe I should do a little writeup about it and put it in the public subforum?

Anyhow...I am actually moving forward in fulfilling the "jeweler" portion of that identity. And if I like, I can still call myself a demon jeweler. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I kind of like it -- especially as I move forward in building new skills and creating new things of beauty. I found myself getting into some kind of discussion with myself over the worth of making some things into other things when I know they won't be permanent, which then got into some mulling over of the passage of time and the fact that nothing that exists now is certain to continue. At that time I totally was thinking as the demon jeweler. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> The basic problem of identity for me is extricating myself, if I can, from the community of spirits that can act through me. Though, of course, that assumes that there is a basic identity.

And there I go being demonic again. <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> Yes yes? Questioning the foundations of Western thought? People generally don't appreciate it...but I've found it's the only thing that can really free me.
Chordal Wrote:I think I've come to a relatively stable place as regards my gender identity. I'm fluid, but the reference point of that fluidity is slightly to the masculine side of neutral.
First of all, congratulations. Something as personal and difficult to measure as one's "gender identity" can be difficult to get a handle on.


Quote:This person said that it seemed that my history with what I termed "dark religion" gave me more balance in moving forward. I'd tend to agree; I find myself more neutral-to-gently-shining now than dark.
Would you be against explaining this in more detail?


Quote:So basically, I've realized that having shamanistic leanings does not mean that I need to rely on what there is of my Native American cultural heritage, and that there is a lot that points to an Asian background, ironically geographically closer to the place where the term "shaman" was taken from.
Why would having Shamanistic leanings require you to lean on a specific heritage, Native American or otherwise? Why must being a "shaman" require you to identify yourself in some way as connected to a society that is otherwise unrelated? Why can't you simply "be"?


Quote:the circumstances of my birth would seem to both be 1) ominous, and 2) explain the gender-identity portion of this... which in turn is used in some societies as a predictor of somehow being special or marked.
I'm going to stop you here and ask how much value you place in these societal predictions, as well as ask how often it is proven "correct". People are often inclined to see patterns in things where there is no such intent or design, and while it may or may not be accurate, I recommend caution.


Quote:I kind of like it -- especially as I move forward in building new skills and creating new things of beauty.
Excellent. The ability to create something appreciable from something deemed not so is an art, and I am happy for you that you have discovered such a path. I wish you luck in such endeavors.


Quote:And there I go being demonic again. <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> Yes yes? Questioning the foundations of Western thought? People generally don't appreciate it...but I've found it's the only thing that can really free me.
Why must people find it necessary to separate mindsets into Western or Eastern, focused around a specific religious subset, or any other methods of societal identification? Chordal thinks as Chordal does, just as Rain thinks as Rain does. Why must it be "Questioning the foundations of Western Thought" and not "Establishing a worldview of my own, free of societal norms?" Maybe I'm just an irritable person right now, but there should be more satisfying things than looking to an ambiguous, collective identity and trying to figure out ways that its worldview is wrong; that kind of approach just seems incredibly negative to me.
Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:I think I've come to a relatively stable place as regards my gender identity. I'm fluid, but the reference point of that fluidity is slightly to the masculine side of neutral.
First of all, congratulations. Something as personal and difficult to measure as one's "gender identity" can be difficult to get a handle on.
Thanks. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> It's been, at least, a good 13 years since I began trying to parse my own identity. I'm very glad that I'm making progress. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:This person said that it seemed that my history with what I termed "dark religion" gave me more balance in moving forward. I'd tend to agree; I find myself more neutral-to-gently-shining now than dark.
Would you be against explaining this in more detail?
The "dark" stuff majorly happened in the period when I was into Internet Satanism and related. There was a lot which went along with that, which led to or coincided with my not having so great an outlook on life (for instance, expecting rejection should I be fully "out" in all ways; whereas now I know that I don't have to be "out" in order to connect with others, and also I know now that most people aren't completely and entirely honest with everyone; and also that compulsory disclosure comes from fear of rejection and often results in either being seen as 1) eccentric, 2) extremely honest, or 3) needing validation). This was probably a rebellious young adult phase, as I'd not been all that rebellious earlier; but at the time I felt like I had nothing to lose by exploring that interest.

Recently, in particular, I've been giving the entire "merger" narrative a rest, because I think it's my logos getting in the way of my progress. I've experienced what I've experienced; it is not reasonable at this point for me to push myself to explain all of it, to others or to myself. I'm working with an animal's (read: human's) brain, and one which I know does not and cannot take in all routes of information necessary to give myself a good and complete picture of what's actually happening, bit by bit. Getting a good or complete picture of what's happening is a good goal, of course, but it's dangerous to attempt to force an entire explanation when that explanation is beyond one's reach at the moment. I can't force myself to know what I don't know, and speaking when I don't know is a good way to act like a fool.

What I do know is that I'm getting enough information for me to build a working model of what's going on, plus hints of avenues of possibly useful exploration, which in turn enable me to do some things which help in practicality, even if I don't understand the entire picture.

Since I've been in recovery (read: since Winter 2010 with Mist and Bell), I've been getting more of a taste of my own energy; and an intent to connect with my own energy, which I had not been able to sense, prior. The "dark" one was probably Adrian (though there are in total 3 "spirits" I know who I see as "dark"), who is the identity who strongly identified with demons. He was also the protector and manager of the body and system (to borrow a term) while things were out of control and when I did not know what was going on (he had more of a clue than anyone else did at the time), so I have some respect for him, even though I know at this point that he doesn't handle everything well.

My own energy is -- to my intuition -- like a white dwarf, as contrasted with a black hole or a nova or a Sun or blue giant star. Of course, this brings up the question of what I mean by "my"...which brings up the question of how I know which one of "my spirits" is "I", if there is an "I" (in myself or anyone), or if "I" is just a different spirit to which basic control has been given over. But again, I can't force myself to know everything at this point. It just feels warmer and safer, less angry, less sad, more in-control and more secure. At this point I'm not particularly worried about having violated some cosmic law, or becoming earthbound, or worried about the next time I shift, or concerned that some spirits are out to get me. Intuitively, it feels like I'm surrounded by a lot of spirits who hold no ill will towards me, and I feel I have some who are helping me (or trying to), regardless of what category of spirit they fall into. I guess I'm more peaceful and stable than I used to be, especially as compared with my Satanist period; the periods before that were so bad that I'd rather not get into it right now.

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:So basically, I've realized that having shamanistic leanings does not mean that I need to rely on what there is of my Native American cultural heritage, and that there is a lot that points to an Asian background, ironically geographically closer to the place where the term "shaman" was taken from.
Why would having Shamanistic leanings require you to lean on a specific heritage, Native American or otherwise? Why must being a "shaman" require you to identify yourself in some way as connected to a society that is otherwise unrelated? Why can't you simply "be"?
I do not think that either of these societies, generally speaking (and that is generally speaking), are unrelated to me. I've been looking into cultural histories both as a way to connect with my heritage and with my present subcultures, in addition to trying to figure out links that may help tell me what is going on and where I come from, and where my spirits may come from, which I'm hoping will help explain what is going on. If I know what's going on, I have more of a handle on how I can manage it successfully.

The way I look at it, different societies had different technologies. If I had been born into a traditional society, it's possible that there would have been some form of training (i.e. technology) which would have helped me cope with and use the brain and/or mind I seem to possess currently, without necessarily attempting to "normalize" my thought processes with drugs (which is the modern way to deal with things like my particular variant of neurodiversity).

Because -- speaking on the Native American [within the U.S.] front here -- these societies have been largely killed off, relocated, assimilated and destroyed, I have to take what hints I can glean from historical and anthropological texts, those who have cared for me, and what are left of the cultures. Speaking on the East Asian front, I largely have not been trained in things like medieval Chinese culture and society; however, it seems that at least one or two of my spirits are pointing me toward this, as at the very least, context for what they're talking about, and elucidation of their worldviews -- which in turn helps me know them better. And that in turn helps me trust them more, which reduces what apprehension I may have towards them, which makes existing in this state easier all the way around.

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:the circumstances of my birth would seem to both be 1) ominous, and 2) explain the gender-identity portion of this... which in turn is used in some societies as a predictor of somehow being special or marked.
I'm going to stop you here and ask how much value you place in these societal predictions, as well as ask how often it is proven "correct". People are often inclined to see patterns in things where there is no such intent or design, and while it may or may not be accurate, I recommend caution.
I wouldn't have put stock in it unless I had reason to believe that it might have been true. I have plenty of reason to believe it might be true. I was told quite often growing up that I might experience some weird spiritual things in my life, so when the weird spiritual things started, I figured, "OK, I've been told about this; let's see where it leads."

At the very least, knowing what went on in the window of time just prior to my birth alerts me to biological risks that eventually blossomed into having an unusual mind. Part of my birth story lets me know a probable cause of my current gender identity (adrenaline bath at a certain time in-utero). Another part of my birth story correlates to a prediction that one might be called to be a shaman, with a twist -- leading to a present-day mirror of my current situation (that is, the choice between going off of medications and being intensely called back to the spirit realm and possibly unable to care for myself, as versus remaining on medications and being able to function normally -- leading to my search for a third option, which is learning myself how to manage my mind and situation, without using medications, or using minimal medications). A third aspect of the birth story lets me know that there was an unknown "spirit" present at the time; a fourth aspect of it states that both my mother and I were close to death, which is also fairly significant, due to the large amount of time I've felt myself closer to "the veil" in this life than normal -- so close that this world was less engaging than the world of dreams, and I had difficulty getting up a will to stay here. This isn't quite a will to die, it's more that dreams were more engaging (I see sleep as the time we are all called back to the spirit realm).

This is pretty much significant to me. But again, the main thing is that the marker which said that I might be called to be a shaman, says that there could have been something similar between my birth and the births of shamans in the past, which in turn correlates me with some unusual thought processes (or "disorders," as we call them now), and lets me know that before there were synthetic medications, there were ways people managed to get through life. And how did they do this?

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:And there I go being demonic again. <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> Yes yes? Questioning the foundations of Western thought? People generally don't appreciate it...but I've found it's the only thing that can really free me.
Why must people find it necessary to separate mindsets into Western or Eastern, focused around a specific religious subset, or any other methods of societal identification? Chordal thinks as Chordal does, just as Rain thinks as Rain does. Why must it be "Questioning the foundations of Western Thought" and not "Establishing a worldview of my own, free of societal norms?" Maybe I'm just an irritable person right now, but there should be more satisfying things than looking to an ambiguous, collective identity and trying to figure out ways that its worldview is wrong; that kind of approach just seems incredibly negative to me.
Actually, that wasn't the main thrust of what I was saying there. That part that you read as you did, actually -- in my intent -- points more to the fact that I have a tendency to question the basic assumptions that lie behind what other people view as true-without-question. (Or in other words, "the basic assumptions that lie behind 'common sense.'") As a consequence, we are caught up in riddles because of our lexicon. If I have a plant that has a soul that shoots off a runner and I separate the plants and both live, what happened to the soul? Is there a soul? What about starfish, if plants are too abstract? A starfish is torn in half and left to die, and instead both halves regenerate the rest of the starfish, only in two bodies? What happened there? What is the experience of the starfish?

I experience myself with different identities at different times. Are these different souls? Am I in essence a body partaking of the influence of these souls? Is there any soul that I experience which is stable enough to be "I"? What do I mean by "soul," anyway? If I identify myself as "gender-fluid," does it mean that I of necessity am a woman who is at times like a man? A man who is at times like a woman? Can one be gender-fluid and not have a polar birth gender as their reference point? If not, why is it that this is so often assumed? If one rejects social standards of femininity and womanhood, does that make them a transman? If they are not a transman, is there a third option which is neither/nor? Is there a fourth option which is gendered but unrecognized? Does a religion have to have a god to be a religion? Does a cult have to have a god to be a cult?

We get caught up in questions about things like identity and souls and gods and gender without examining the preconceptions that have to be true for those questions to make any sense. And because we don't examine and question the preconceptions, we're caught up in questions which ultimately do not hint at the nature of the universe, but rather exist as verbal riddles which have no bearing on the nature of reality.

The second point I tried to make is that people don't tend to like it if you examine the preconceptions that have to be true for a question to make sense, before attempting to answer said questions. (For instance, "why is it that you want to be a man?" Who said I wanted to be a man?) For me, part of identifying as demonic is the understanding that because of what I am, a lot of people are going to tend not to like what I have to say, because it challenges their thought too much. I happen to be lucky that I live in an area where people often like to think; I doubt that this would go over well, over a lot of the world.
Pages: 1 2 3
Reference URL's