2010-12-02, 6:57
Essentially, as I've been exploring the "otherkin" topic...it's gotten me back into contact with my personal mythology. Now granted, my earliest relevant memories of this would have started when I was about 11...and an 11-year-old doesn't necessarily know everything about the world. But it's the narrative that began to cohere when I first went in for treatment (for depression) at 14...and was encouraged to find my own way to make sense out of what was going on with me.
To get to the point -- my personal mythology says that one of us as a matter of course, travels as a discarnate entity between incarnations, and bonds with a new host, significantly post-birth, in each incarnation in order not to lose what could roughly be referred to as "memory" or "identity." Neither of those terms, though, is really correct; the term 'memory' implies that I would be able to retrieve memories from prior to this incarnation, like memories from within this incarnation. We've never tried to do that, though, and the one thing we know for sure on this is that without asking, we do not overtly recall anything. The term, 'identity,' is also a bit off because it seems it would assume a stagnant self, and this is very much not the case.
The way my system member Bell has put it, "memories" from past lives don't travel on without a body in which to record them -- that memories from this life are not qualitatively the same as memories from past lives. He said that the imprints left on one from past lives, one carries on within oneself. However, the physical neurological record of what exactly happened to cause those imprints, doesn't necessarily travel on. Keep in mind that this is unverified information.
Bell is the one of us who is supposed to be the body-hopper. We "fused" with him (what he would now refer to as a Level 1 fusion) when we were 17. This was brought on by beginning an antidepressant which cut off all internal communication, save that into which an extremely large amount of effort was invested. Whoever was living in the body at the time was pretty much in love with him, and though they didn't really realize the long-term effects it would have to fuse with him at that point in time, they did it anyway. Which...would have repercussions.
Relevant points in the next few years: we find ourselves at college taking the option to view ourselves as male. Sometime in there we freak out thinking that we're now male because we went through the fusion with Bell, and that the person we'd become by that time (Blaze), was the outcome of that fusion, who happened to be male. Meaning that the fusion, long taken as a metaphor or fantasy or reabsorption of an externalized part of ourselves, was in some way qualitatively real.
Of course, though; also happening at this time is that one of our (legitimate) disorders is kicking in. We become very anxious and depressed and are dissociating to cope with daily life, basically trying very hard to summon Bell to help us through this time, and succeeding only in retrieving fragments.
A couple of years after that, my grandmother passes away, and we have the first clear and easy mental visualization of Bell that we have had since, I believe, before the merger. He shows up an hour or two before we get the call that my grandmother's gone.
Why am I talking about this? Well, this scenario can be viewed in a few ways. One of the more unflattering ways to view it -- we have a long-term spirit attachment or a walk-in, or -- (as we've thought in our more dark/twisted times) a "soul-eater"(a.k.a. a walk-in who has the supposed capability to absorb and incorporate the Host into a new being). Now, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing -- especially if you're going by the idea that having a singular identity is *easier* than splitting front time and resources between system members, or trying to work out how to live as a group of spirits sharing a body.
Of course, as I noted elsewhere -- merging everyone in my system into one being still wouldn't stop the sensitivity which caused me to be able to identify Bell in the first place, meaning that even if we could and did do this -- unless we walled off every other spirit we ran across, we'd still be effectively multiple.
I've been speaking with someone online about this scenario, who perhaps I shouldn't really be speaking with about this...they're very much on the "light" side of things on the surface, though they have shown dark undercurrent (which is why I tend not to trust "light" people so easily -- because they're often not what they want you to think they are). This person seems to be somewhat psychic -- I've had multiple times of at least thinking that they're doing energy work on me which is causing paranormal phenomena on my end, though I really should go back and re-check that information, now that I know how the time/date function works on the site through which I speak to them (we're apparently several time-zones apart, which has made lining up what happened, when, more complex than it had to be).
Anyhow, the person...for one thing, has identified (at least to their mind) that Bell has, basically, tons of spiritual damage. (I personally have a difficult time "seeing" spirit forms; it's easier for me to feel/taste them, which is a reason I've trusted Bell [a large part of the time, anyway]. It's also a reason I've identified with snake/serpent forms.) The damage, it's said, causes Bell to need energy, and any vampiric tendencies issuing from him are the result of his leaking energy; not the result of being unable to process energy normally, or of his needing to draw energy to stay on this plane.
I have read in Dion Fortune's book, Psychic Self-Defense, that it is possible for a person to externalize their own energy to the point that one person's projection can be picked up as a separate spirit, by the psychic, so I'm not taking the hint that Apparently Well-Meaning Psychic Friend could 'see' Bell, as proof that Bell is not internally generated. And of course, there's also the possibility that "internally generated" does not negate "separate spirit", but I'm probably going to need a few more years on that to resolve it. <!-- s
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And, right; AWMPF has also gotten the hit that my Host self (a.k.a. the original to the body) is apparently the same kintype as them, and that there is a history on their world of, as they called it, "editing the structure of the soul," which ultimately caused a lot of complications and vulnerabilities in those who underwent the process -- to the point that some of them just disappeared, and the ones who were left were impaired. I have no indication where this information came from.
Now that we've come this far: Should I be worried? About the fate of my soul (should Bell& attempt to take the merger[s] to Level 2, or even if not), about the amount of stated damage to Bell, about trusting Apparently Well-Meaning Psychic Friend?
EDIT: Does anyone else have perspectives on what the heck is going on in the first part of this post? It may not hurt to brainstorm about it, at this point in time...
If you got this far, thanks for reading...
To get to the point -- my personal mythology says that one of us as a matter of course, travels as a discarnate entity between incarnations, and bonds with a new host, significantly post-birth, in each incarnation in order not to lose what could roughly be referred to as "memory" or "identity." Neither of those terms, though, is really correct; the term 'memory' implies that I would be able to retrieve memories from prior to this incarnation, like memories from within this incarnation. We've never tried to do that, though, and the one thing we know for sure on this is that without asking, we do not overtly recall anything. The term, 'identity,' is also a bit off because it seems it would assume a stagnant self, and this is very much not the case.
The way my system member Bell has put it, "memories" from past lives don't travel on without a body in which to record them -- that memories from this life are not qualitatively the same as memories from past lives. He said that the imprints left on one from past lives, one carries on within oneself. However, the physical neurological record of what exactly happened to cause those imprints, doesn't necessarily travel on. Keep in mind that this is unverified information.
Bell is the one of us who is supposed to be the body-hopper. We "fused" with him (what he would now refer to as a Level 1 fusion) when we were 17. This was brought on by beginning an antidepressant which cut off all internal communication, save that into which an extremely large amount of effort was invested. Whoever was living in the body at the time was pretty much in love with him, and though they didn't really realize the long-term effects it would have to fuse with him at that point in time, they did it anyway. Which...would have repercussions.
Relevant points in the next few years: we find ourselves at college taking the option to view ourselves as male. Sometime in there we freak out thinking that we're now male because we went through the fusion with Bell, and that the person we'd become by that time (Blaze), was the outcome of that fusion, who happened to be male. Meaning that the fusion, long taken as a metaphor or fantasy or reabsorption of an externalized part of ourselves, was in some way qualitatively real.
Of course, though; also happening at this time is that one of our (legitimate) disorders is kicking in. We become very anxious and depressed and are dissociating to cope with daily life, basically trying very hard to summon Bell to help us through this time, and succeeding only in retrieving fragments.
A couple of years after that, my grandmother passes away, and we have the first clear and easy mental visualization of Bell that we have had since, I believe, before the merger. He shows up an hour or two before we get the call that my grandmother's gone.
Why am I talking about this? Well, this scenario can be viewed in a few ways. One of the more unflattering ways to view it -- we have a long-term spirit attachment or a walk-in, or -- (as we've thought in our more dark/twisted times) a "soul-eater"(a.k.a. a walk-in who has the supposed capability to absorb and incorporate the Host into a new being). Now, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing -- especially if you're going by the idea that having a singular identity is *easier* than splitting front time and resources between system members, or trying to work out how to live as a group of spirits sharing a body.
Of course, as I noted elsewhere -- merging everyone in my system into one being still wouldn't stop the sensitivity which caused me to be able to identify Bell in the first place, meaning that even if we could and did do this -- unless we walled off every other spirit we ran across, we'd still be effectively multiple.
I've been speaking with someone online about this scenario, who perhaps I shouldn't really be speaking with about this...they're very much on the "light" side of things on the surface, though they have shown dark undercurrent (which is why I tend not to trust "light" people so easily -- because they're often not what they want you to think they are). This person seems to be somewhat psychic -- I've had multiple times of at least thinking that they're doing energy work on me which is causing paranormal phenomena on my end, though I really should go back and re-check that information, now that I know how the time/date function works on the site through which I speak to them (we're apparently several time-zones apart, which has made lining up what happened, when, more complex than it had to be).
Anyhow, the person...for one thing, has identified (at least to their mind) that Bell has, basically, tons of spiritual damage. (I personally have a difficult time "seeing" spirit forms; it's easier for me to feel/taste them, which is a reason I've trusted Bell [a large part of the time, anyway]. It's also a reason I've identified with snake/serpent forms.) The damage, it's said, causes Bell to need energy, and any vampiric tendencies issuing from him are the result of his leaking energy; not the result of being unable to process energy normally, or of his needing to draw energy to stay on this plane.
I have read in Dion Fortune's book, Psychic Self-Defense, that it is possible for a person to externalize their own energy to the point that one person's projection can be picked up as a separate spirit, by the psychic, so I'm not taking the hint that Apparently Well-Meaning Psychic Friend could 'see' Bell, as proof that Bell is not internally generated. And of course, there's also the possibility that "internally generated" does not negate "separate spirit", but I'm probably going to need a few more years on that to resolve it. <!-- s


And, right; AWMPF has also gotten the hit that my Host self (a.k.a. the original to the body) is apparently the same kintype as them, and that there is a history on their world of, as they called it, "editing the structure of the soul," which ultimately caused a lot of complications and vulnerabilities in those who underwent the process -- to the point that some of them just disappeared, and the ones who were left were impaired. I have no indication where this information came from.
Now that we've come this far: Should I be worried? About the fate of my soul (should Bell& attempt to take the merger[s] to Level 2, or even if not), about the amount of stated damage to Bell, about trusting Apparently Well-Meaning Psychic Friend?
EDIT: Does anyone else have perspectives on what the heck is going on in the first part of this post? It may not hurt to brainstorm about it, at this point in time...
If you got this far, thanks for reading...