warning: angsty ramblings

Warning: angsty ramblings ahead <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> I swear I’m content and happy frequently and do, in fact, feel an entire range of emotions.
I worry too much about what people think. I know this and I know I should stop because it hurts me. I know others think being otherkin is a choice. I didn’t choose this. Why the heck would anyone choose this? I know others think this is some form of escapism (I know I’ve been accused of it). Back when this was one of the roots of my depression, this used to be something I tried to escape from. I feel like I spend most of my social time and energy worrying that people will think what they inevitably think. Either that or pretending to be normal in the hopes that they would like me, but then I feel like I’m lying. I am lying.
Now that I actually am starting to enjoy it, I am afraid that gives the people who think I chose this more reason to think so.
Even in the otherkin communities (no offence), there is a lot of drama surrounding who is fluff and who is valid and all that crap. I have a pretty good idea of who I am, but I am still learning. I crave the ability to talk about this with someone. But I can’t. I know I sound like fluff. I am deeply ashamed of it. I end up not really having anything to talk about because I am afraid of talking about what I need to talk about.
Why do I care so much what others think? Because I don’t like being hurt. Because I want to be able to trust someone. I want someone to be able to talk about this with someone without fear. But I can’t.

How I feel about this when I ignore what everyone else thinks and the fact that I’m not supposed to exist: It feels natural. It feels right. I feel like myself. I feel whole. I still didn’t choose this. I don’t see it as special or good or bad. I see it as something that just is, something ordinary.

I am well aware of the fact that I am not supposed to exist. I am well aware of the fact that I am possibly insane. Yet, as hard as this is, I resist the idea of not being real. I would hate myself if I wasn’t real. I have hated myself because I know, intellectually, that I can’t be real. I am terrified of insanity and despise stupid fakes.

How do you guys deal with this?

Quote:I know others think being other kin is a choice. I didn’t choose this. Why the heck would anyone choose this?

I know exactly how you feel, I've asked myself this same question before. We didn't have a choice of being an other kin our souls decided it for us. Or maybe a human soul was impossible to create for our body, who knows why we are here. The problem/issue (whatever u want to call it) is that... WE ARE HERE! we did not choose to be here but we are here.

Quote:I feel like I spend most of my social time and energy worrying that people will think what they inevitably think. Either that or pretending to be normal in the hopes that they would like me,

I used to worry about how people though of me, if they thought I was cool or if they thought I was insane. Around 7th grade I stopped caring about what people thought of me and it took a bunch of stress of my shoulders. You should try not caring, it might help you out.

Quote:Even in the other kin communities (no offence), there is a lot of drama surrounding who is fluff and who is valid and all that crap.

I completely agree, I've been posting a lot of things people say are absolute "fluff" even though in my life they are actually happening. I hate how people doubt that I can do things even though I know I can! They doubt things because they think it is impossible to do, maybe it is for their kind of kin. But not for mine.

Quote:I crave the ability to talk about this with someone.

Quote:Why do I care so much what others think? Because I don’t like being hurt. Because I want to be able to trust someone. I want someone to be able to talk about this with someone without fear. But I can’t.

You can talk to me, about anything absolutely anything that u need to get out of your system. I wont insult you, or call you crazy or anything close to that. I will read it and try to give you the best support I can, if you want to do this just PM me.

Quote:How I feel about this when I ignore what everyone else thinks and the fact that I’m not supposed to exist: It feels natural.

I semi agree with this, we are not supposed to exist. but we do exists? my question is why, what's our purpose?

Quote:How do you guys deal with this?

I've come to terms that I'm not supposed to exist in this world, but no matter how much I deny that I exist I am still looking through these eyes on my face. In this body I can't stand to look at, that holds me inside of it no matter how much I want out. That my soul is far from human and that I know it's not human. The fact that I can feel cat ears and tail on my body at all times even though 99% of people can not see them. That I can feel my boyfriend cuddling up against my back right now even though he is all the way across the usa atm.

Kapaki Wrote:

Quote:I know others think being other kin is a choice. I didn’t choose this. Why the heck would anyone choose this?

I know exactly how you feel, I've asked myself this same question before. We didn't have a choice of being an other kin our souls decided it for us. Or maybe a human soul was impossible to create for our body, who knows why we are here. The problem/issue (whatever u want to call it) is that... WE ARE HERE! we did not choose to be here but we are here.

Not everyone is otherkin because of their soul. I'm not even sure I believe in souls, so mine certainly didn't decide anything for me if it exists at all. My brain did. Some people believe otherkin is a choice because of poseur-kin...those people (usually kids) who identify as otherkin because it's "cool" to them and sadly communities get bad raps because of those sort of people.

Quote:I feel like I spend most of my social time and energy worrying that people will think what they inevitably think. Either that or pretending to be normal in the hopes that they would like me,

Normal is highly overrated. Even among non-kin there is no normal.

Kapaki Wrote:

Quote:Even in the other kin communities (no offence), there is a lot of drama surrounding who is fluff and who is valid and all that crap.

I completely agree, I've been posting a lot of things people say are absolute "fluff" even though in my life they are actually happening. I hate how people doubt that I can do things even though I know I can! They doubt things because they think it is impossible to do, maybe it is for their kind of kin. But not for mine.

One issue is this: "where do we draw the line in what we accept as true?" There's an issue with "fluff" vs. not because there's an issue with credibility in the community at large. Some beliefs (i.e. those that break the laws of nature and/or science) are just not okay...those sort of beliefs being accepted just encourages unhealthy behaviors and beliefs. Among those individuals who have to focus on fluff vs. not...it's usually because they feel the need to have someone they can point at and say "at least I'm not this person" or "at least I don't believe X".

Quote:Why do I care so much what others think? Because I don’t like being hurt. Because I want to be able to trust someone. I want someone to be able to talk about this with someone without fear. But I can’t.

You can talk here. So long as you present beliefs as beliefs we won't attack you. The only issue arises when something "smells fishy"...then (on just about any forum) people will poke at something that doesn't smell right, especially in communities like this one where scientific thinking is encouraged.

Quote:How I feel about this when I ignore what everyone else thinks and the fact that I’m not supposed to exist: It feels natural.

Why do you feel that youre not supposed to exist?

Quote:How do you guys deal with this?

I'm too old and have been in the community too long to care anymore <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Seraphyna Wrote:Some beliefs (i.e. those that break the laws of nature and/or science) are just not okay...those sort of beliefs being accepted just encourages unhealthy behaviors and beliefs.

Oh yeah. Like creationists. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Seraphyna Wrote:Why do you feel that youre not supposed to exist?

It is scientifically impossible for someone like me to exist. At least, not as far as I know with the current knowledge I possess.

I don't know if I'd call it a belief since even I have trouble believing it. I don't really get a choice in the matter though. Sorry for quoting a fantasy book, but it describes how I feel and I am bad at finding words.

Neil Gaiman Wrote:I don't really believe, Shadow thought. I don't believe any of this. .... Everything that's happened so far has been some kind of especially vivid dream. And yet he could not believe that either. All we have to believe with is our senses, our touch, our memory. If they lie to us, then nothing can be trusted. And even if we do not believe, then still we cannot travel in any other way than the road our senses show us; and we must walk that road to the end.

I quite firmly feel and remember being a part of the primordial chaos/waters. (Not saying I am. Just saying that this is what I feel and remember.) Yep, I definitely smell fishy. Pun not intended.
Eh I'm currently 24 (found out about other otherkin about five or six years ago), but I'm pretty sure I'm still mentally a teenager some of the time. Darn brain. It's so fascinating, but it needs improvement.

Edge Wrote:

Seraphyna Wrote:Some beliefs (i.e. those that break the laws of nature and/or science) are just not okay...those sort of beliefs being accepted just encourages unhealthy behaviors and beliefs.

Oh yeah. Like creationists. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Precisely. Don't get me started <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

Edge Wrote:It is scientifically impossible for someone like me to exist. At least, not as far as I know with the current knowledge I possess.

Do you mean for you specifically to exist or for otherkin in general to exist? Because there are more spiritual theories and more scientific theories as to why we believe what we do and have the identities we have. I'm not sure this will help at all, but being a polymorph myself, this article may be of some help to you on the "I shouldn't exist" front: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://forum.otherkinphenomena.org/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=2119">viewtopic.php?f=27&t=2119</a><!-- l -->

Just because science cannot yet prove something does not mean that that something is false...it's just in that grey area of we don't know. Until last week we couldn't prove the Higgs Boson to exist, and now we know it does. Science is finding new things all the time as technology progresses. One day we may very well be able to prove the existance of spiritual things. Until then, we have to function on belief alone and some promising theories that have yet to be proven.

Neil Gaiman Wrote:I don't really believe, Shadow thought. I don't believe any of this. .... Everything that's happened so far has been some kind of especially vivid dream. And yet he could not believe that either. All we have to believe with is our senses, our touch, our memory. If they lie to us, then nothing can be trusted. And even if we do not believe, then still we cannot travel in any other way than the road our senses show us; and we must walk that road to the end.

I love Neil Gaiman by the way. He's my favorite author. American Gods is a pretty awesome book.

Edge Wrote:I quite firmly feel and remember being a part of the primordial chaos/waters. (Not saying I am. Just saying that this is what I feel and remember.) Yep, I definitely smell fishy. Pun not intended.

Back when I believed I was an angel, I thought I remembered the primordial chaos as well. It's not as fishy as you might think, many people (especially angelkin) remember it. Honestly, presenting yourself as you do is what primarily makes you non-fishy. You present yourself as believing things instead of presenting beliefs as facts, you clearly doubt yourself instead of accepting everything on blind faith, and you question. Don't worry so much about people thinking you're insane because we're all in the same boat <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

The fishy part is that I don't just remember it. I am it. Or a part of it. Or a personification of it. Or a nut case. The nut case option is scientifically more likely. I'm all confused about it.
Like, I feel like my first form was a water-like substance that wasn't always sentient and then somehow was. Except the Egyptians said the primordial waters were inert. I am definitely not inert. So why the heck do I associate myself with the that?
Oh man, that sounds fluffy.
(None of this is provable fact especially since, as far as I know, there is no scientific evidence of a watery chaos substance. If it was, I would be a lot less confused.)

Edge Wrote:The fishy part is that I don't just remember it. I am it. Or a part of it. Or a personification of it. Or a nut case. The nut case option is scientifically more likely. I'm all confused about it.
Like, I feel like my first form was a water-like substance that wasn't always sentient and then somehow was. Except the Egyptians said the primordial waters were inert. I am definitely not inert. So why the heck do I associate myself with the that?
Oh man, that sounds fluffy.
(None of this is provable fact especially since, as far as I know, there is no scientific evidence of a watery chaos substance. If it was, I would be a lot less confused.)

There isn't much in the way of scientific evidence as to what was here before our universe was. Heck, we aren't even sure which theory of our universe's creation is the right one...so if standing beliefs on what was here *before* from any culture doesn't match up to what you believe, that's not shocking...in fact it's more to be expected that not all beliefs on the subject will match up with existing theories on it. The nice thing about beliefs is you don't have to prove them...that's where the whole "univerified personal gnosis" comes in. Just don't present UPG as fact and there's no problem...and you don't sound fluffy so knock it off. I've run into fluff of all kinds from the misled to the nutjobs...and so far you strike me as neither or anywhere in between <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Seraphyna Wrote:One issue is this: "where do we draw the line in what we accept as true?" There's an issue with "fluff" vs. not because there's an issue with credibility in the community at large. Some beliefs (i.e. those that break the laws of nature and/or science) are just not okay...those sort of beliefs being accepted just encourages unhealthy behaviors and beliefs. Among those individuals who have to focus on fluff vs. not...it's usually because they feel the need to have someone they can point at and say "at least I'm not this person" or "at least I don't believe X".

^ this.

(slight rant, only my thoughts and opinions)

Personally, I don't understand why beliefs from several otherkin members (not targeting anyone, just saying) are held as complete truth, and this seems to result in extreme elitism between members.
For example, something that's commonly said is "oh, you believe XYZ, you can't be legit", but if the person saying this can't support their own beliefs through at least their own deductions, I think saying things like that is just silly.

Oh yeah I get that. Or got that. I spent years freaking out over the belief that I am insane and doing everything I could to make it go away. Then I found out about other otherkin and that I wasn't alone only to have some people start going "oh it's totally legit that I'm an angel (or whatever), but you can't be who you are because you can't prove it to me." Or saying I chose this. That's... ouch.
Not to mention, I hate saying in every post that these are just my beliefs because I have a very hard time believing them. I hate saying all the time that I am possibly insane because I am terrified of insanity and, each time I say it, it reinforces the belief that I am (even though there is no proof of that either). People used to cited not saying a disclaimer in every single post I wrote as "proof" that I didn't exist. For me, that translates as saying I'm not real unless I treat people like idiots who don't even have enough intelligence to figure that out for themselves. Turns out people get mad at me for assuming they had common sense as well.

There is a difference between stating fact and implying opinion, though at times it is often subtle. Sometimes the difference can lie in a single word.

I don't have quite the same problems as you, Edge, but I can relate to them. I, whatever I may be considered, am something that should not naturally occur. Insanity is a looming potentiality that has been with me for well over half of my life. The difference, I suppose, is that I do not fear the potential to insanity as you seem to.

Whether I am insane or not, you see, does not change my perception or values, it is merely a label that alters its validity in the eyes of others. If I suffered from a hallucination that dyed the sky green, it is not as though it would suddenly turn blue simply by "knowing" it should be seen as such -- it would still be green. On that front, there is no guarantee that the sky isn't *supposed* to be green, and those that see it as being blue are in the wrong and suffering from hallucinations. To constantly question the integrity of your thoughts through the use of thought is an exercise in futility that ultimately serves little purpose aside from creating a stressful environment.

In this way, one may say that to present your view as fact is to indirectly question the sanity or genuinity of those who do not believe similar. If I were to present the fact that the sky was green, then I am indirectly challenging the position that the sky is blue and, by extension, those who believe it to be so. If I were to present the fact that the sky appears green to me, then I am relaying an experience that -- though it implies the possibility of a green sky and denies the possibility of a blue one -- ultimately remains a closed example of personal experience, which is a good deal less "aggressive" towards those who have contradictory beliefs.


I think this is enough for now.