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this has been coming for a while...
Chordal
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Post: #1
this has been coming for a while...
Took us a while to figure out where to put this post, yes.

Okay, so...I guess I really just feel like writing to people here, though I can't guarantee that this will turn out like one of my normal essays. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I suppose that part of this refers to the concept of "Awakening" and pressures on such. The other part has to deal with having something of a grasp of what's going on in my system but not being able to fit it into the "Kintype" model...which makes me think that maybe I'm looking at things differently.

Adrian: On one level, there's a natural tendency in me to veer away from maladapted practices because I can see that they make things hard for me -- not just because of the complications with other people, but because adopting maladapted practices makes it difficult for me to live with myself. This is why my name was changed away from Blaze to Adrian -- to distance my own identity from the focus on the demonic and pain/anger/rage quotient that had been there in the past. It was seen that I was more complex than just being a storehouse for pain, and deserved the opportunity to develop beyond the self-and-otherwise-definition which held that I was the person to blame for everything, even if I didn't do everything for which I was blamed.

Then there is the kintype thing. While we have *a lot* of experience with minority (a.k.a. "non-dominant", sociologically speaking) social statuses, it seems like I (Adrian) am the closest thing we have here to anything "otherkin". As far as I can tell, Core/Host seems to be undefined-to-possibly-human.

Bell/Shang is a walk-in. So far as we can tell, sie's close to human, just discarnate and from a different culture, to put it concisely -- just the "culture" is a blend between somewhere(s)-Asian and spirit-realm (the term "Tian" has come up in the past, as regards a Heavenly source of order, as we've heard used in multiple explanations of ancient Chinese culture -- note this is not the same thing as Christian "Heaven", and though sie is likely a spirit helper, we don't [yet] consider hir an angel). We haven't positively identified "human" -- it would be difficult because of the vastly different setting Bell/Shang comes from, and because we don't have access to some of the places we intuitively feel sie has access to; plus there's the whole gender fluidity thing (which we're unfamiliar with outside of non-cis/non-hetero subculture here [as I'd define it, not as they would], which tends to be inundated with cultural specificity and identity politics, at this point in time).

Sparrow is just...hard to question. Her mind usually doesn't go to the extent to think about its own thought (other than laughing at her own vocalizations), we just know that she's delighted by little birds, and acts like a little bird. And though she has access to common memory, she doesn't seem to have aged since we were about 7 (although the brain has, developmentally; she's now just filtering through a more capable form). And if you think about it...normally a sparrow probably wouldn't live long enough to have a social framework for anything besides being new to the world. I wouldn't be surprised if we picked up (the spirit of) one of the juncos near our old dwelling when we were very young...

The thing with her is that she really doesn't care about the "otherkin" stuff, it's just like she's here, doesn't care what species the body is or how she fits into it or if it's "mismatched." She's just...here, and has people who care for her. And to paraphrase Archer, she's basically a little ball of sunshine, and is happy without thinking about this stuff. We don't really want to disturb that by asking her metaphysical questions about identity. <!-- s:razz: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":razz:" title="Razz" /><!-- s:razz: --> So essentially we take her identity at face value. I'm not sure if she would be interested in someplace for therians...I also kind of have a little bit of guilt about being embarrassed about the stuff she does while out. She generally deals with things like gratitude and social friendliness, which I'm not as equipped to handle.

Because it's been so noisy in here, Core/Host has had somewhat of a difficult time discerning hirself away from us, especially as sie's only recently reawakened. Sie's spoken about this before, though. We have caught hir dressing in my clothes on casual days (not to say sie shouldn't wear them, but they're notably either really masculine, or men's, or boy's), while projecting masculinity, and maintaining hir identity distinct from mine. I'm not entirely sure how much of this gender stuff is sourced from hir (I started developing and largely fronting sometime around the age of 14); how much of it is seeing that the body can present in different ways and be accepted in most of them; and how much is seeing how fundamentally inaccurate most people's perceptions of reality are, thus don't let people who are ignorant of you define you.

And...that last part has fed into our present stance towards both identity and psychiatry, though I don't have to get deeply into that now. For my own records, though; we're noting that psychiatry doesn't understand all we had hoped it would, and that identity is more complex than community-based groups (e.g. those based around gender identity and sexual orientation, including the "dominant" groups those groups define themselves against; plus cultural enclaves, when including race as shorthand for sensitivity and thus a factor of membership -- i.e. "out of birthright, I own this culture, get out") would have it seem.

Anyhow. We've been continuing to mull over whether I (Adrian) am demonkin, but then we've got to ask "what definition of 'demon' are you referring to?" Though given what I've written about above -- and taking into consideration that in this life, I have an Asian diasporic background and was raised outside of the Church...I doubt it's the definition of Middle America Christianity. Plus, intuitively -- I'd say that it's not that "demon" feels intuitively "wrong" so much as I just would rather not have people trying to destroy me over it. Because, I could be wrong, but I don't think my possible kintype is my fault.

I'm pretty sure that it developed as a result of a cultural convergence which put pressure onto me and demonized me in my formative years (my birth, in this body at least, likely occurring when I was abandoned by my group of friends, probably because they thought Core/Host was "gay" [as I was being harassed over by a large section of the teen population, in a way that wouldn't stop until graduation], coinciding with press on the Religious Right saying gays were going to "Hell" and justifying and encouraging the emotional violence directed at me). Because I lived through that, I don't really have a lot of sympathy for people who hate demonkin for being demonkin (or demons for being demons -- note I'm not excusing any particular *actions* by those demons; I don't subscribe to "boys will be boys"), and I would conversely say that hate from people like this will cause at least some people to rebel and identify as demonkin (or Satanists, etc.) just out of spite and protest, even if "demonkin" or "Satanist" isn't well-defined. And it isn't, because "demon" and "Satanist" is basically a label slapped on anything that enough people say they don't like, and which they agree is socially acceptable to hate.

I'll reiterate something that came to me a long, long time ago: you can't destroy destruction with destruction. The property just transfers to the new destroyer and lives on in them.

But as I said at the beginning of this: I'm not aiming to be socially maladapted, because it hurts me more than it helps anything. Unless, that is, I'm aiming to help everyone who would make an example out of me by justifying their behavior with my own. Yes, demons do help somebody. They help the people who benefit by being able to feel righteous while harming others at the same time. And that alone may be reason enough to bow out of the "demonkin" label, for something a bit less misunderstood. Of course, then we go from being "misunderstood" (as in being expected to be something I'm entirely not) to "not understood at all," (as in a full-out lack of comprehension) but given the ignorant nature of most of the populace, maybe that's to be expected.

Of course, that's only on the social level, where things (as regards identifying as a demon) are so far gone that it's not worth attempting recovery -- at least with non-'kin. With 'kin is another question entirely, but then you have hostility from Christian spiritual-warrior-type angelkin to worry about, and the question in my mind is whether this is exerting negative pressure on demonkin to keep them from awakening...and whether that's really just.
2011-04-03 7:15
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Estelore
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Post: #2
Re: this has been coming for a while...
Your name itself interests me, Adrian... as I expect you're aware, it means 'dark'; it's also the name of one of the most successful Roman emperors (Hadrian/Adrian, same pronunciation, and only spelled differently because of slightly different lettering systems).

The Latin/Roman concept of a demon/daemon/daimon (also animus/anima, genius/genia/juno/jupiter) was essentially a soul-aspect or benevolent doppelganger to the human it accompanied... an independent consciousness that operated in synchrony with the 'host'. Socrates was said to have spoken with his daemon frequently. There are entire forums of people who intentionally project a part of their mind separately from their primary cognition, label it as their daemon, and perceive it as an intelligent, invisible animal companion. In that sense, my daemon would be Ayden, who is normally a male eastern carpenter bee.
That perception of the daemon treats it as a parallel or subordinate to the existence of the human partner... which actually is noncompliant to the Roman model, in which the demon was perceived to be utterly independent of the human host consciousness, choosing actively what human to assist and communicate. Instead of being subordinate, the demon was treated as basically a very minor deity, messenger spirit, or guardian shadow... something external to the existence of the human body, and simply cooperating with the human on a basis of consent instead of necessity. The demon was never perceived as evil, and people who behaved cruelly were believed to be going AGAINST the guidance and direction of their "higher selves", their demons.

*shrug* Just a long two cents.

For what it's worth, I don't see you as evil, and I don't see why you couldn't have picked up a junco-mind in the dreamspace at some point in childhood.
Best of luck to everybody in your system, and best wishes to you in your self-figuring-out process, Adrian.
Take care. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

[Image: Full%2Bsystem%2Brearranged.png]
--Total--Rosie--Gale--Ax------Es-Asher-Chunes--Lor-Cade-Ruby--Leo--Crow-Kirke-Teia-
2011-04-03 15:57
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Chordal
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Post: #3
Re: this has been coming for a while...
Thanks. As usual, you have a calming voice. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

I actually hadn't made the Roman connection there, and had forgotten about the daemon/daimon (etc.) version of things. Thanks for cluing me back into them. I suppose now I have another route of inquiry to look into. *laughs* I wonder if I should start with Roman or Greek concepts? hmm. I can start looking into it.

As for the meaning of my name...*shakes head*...the zeroing in on "Adrian", happened so long ago that I can't truly recall looking up the meaning, though I must have. I know that it was chosen in part because it was ambiguous enough for me to go by and not raise eyebrows (back when we thought we were psychic and transgendered [as versus sensitive and/or plural, with some male frontrunners], and hence I was looking at social+physical+legal transition, and had started social transition). Also, there's an actor that we really (*really*) liked when young...heh. TV probably wasn't the best place to draw role models from, but that guy was hot like whoa. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

(*laughs* [...I'm not gonna give away who the actor was, unless someone asks me. No reason to *needlessly* embarrass myself...] *laughs*)
2011-04-04 1:33
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