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spirit relationships (was: Re: spirit marriages)
Chordal
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Post: #1
spirit relationships (was: Re: spirit marriages)
Alright, see the second post for updated information and a more useful topic. I'm leaving this up here even though it's a record of me being silly, because I want to know what not to do again. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

-----

I can't remember anymore what started all of this off...I do remember that last night I was reading in Astral Dynamics and I was getting some...either input or feedback, which was subjectively confusing. I made a post elsewhere which was one step away from what I directly wrote down about it (physically) last night.

Essentially...I was reading in this book and I kept getting visions of Bell holding me. (For those who don't know, I [Core] and Bell have been involved that way in the past...and the more I think about possible past relationships, the more it makes sense.)

So there was a lot of (his and my) morphing, and shifting of perception, which I didn't know what to make of at the time. Earlier today I thought that Bell had been telling me that he used to be female. But that seems like a very mundane, political-feeling explanation for what he was trying to get across to me, and Bell really isn't very (openly) political. It wasn't until after I'd posted, that I was doing something else and asked the female-appearing person who she was, directly. She said, "You." (Bell would never say that.)

I've gotten to the point where it's really making sense that it's likely Bell and I used to be married. In a culture that betroths people at a young age, hence why he showed up when I was 11. With the revelation that the form he showed me was what my own form had been...well, it's unclear exactly why this happened. Except that maybe he wanted to play an educational game...or he knows by now that I find female bodies less threatening than male ones...or maybe he was experimenting with being female for his own sake. It would fit in with the "compassion" angle.

I also find it likely that projected-past-life-essentially-marriage was in a culture where the guy was supposed to be in charge. But also that he was supposed to be compassionate. I don't believe Bell's ever hurt me, and he does listen to me, but there's a definite theme in my life of my looking to him for stability and respite. He was de facto head of this life while I was resting. Also, I haven't met a man outside of my head who has been what Bell is for me -- which could have been the reason I thought he was telling me he had been female (transmen have a better chance with me than cis men, for the reason that they tend to understand [a lot] more. Spirit lovers are probably the same way).

I'm writing about this now, for one thing to record it; for another thing...it kind of just needs to come out somewhere.

So it seems that Bell intentionally woke me up...late last year. I have a mostly-entire copy, at least seemingly, of what most others here know. What I don't know is whether Bell has to feed off of my energy in order to stay with me on a plane where I can easily contact him. Now that I've read a little bit, it's easier to think that even if he decides to leave again, I can still find him. I do know at this point, though, that the main illness I have was around when he was not -- so of any ill effects from his being here; that is not one of them.

My thoughts are coming and going, and I'm being called away. Right now I'm...curious, though. About the dynamics of being essentially married to someone in "headspace." Is it still in effect, or not so, even though our love seems to be as strong as ever?

Called away. Right. I'll check back later. <3
2011-03-08 5:10
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Chordal
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Post: #2
spirit relationships (was: Re: spirit marriages)
Alright, replying to myself again. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> I need to give an update. First of all, I realize that my first post in this thread wasn't really all that conducive to two-way communication (I mean between me and you all, not between me and my spirits). So I'll...for now, leave the first post so I can review my mistake, <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> but I'll change the question I've asked.

Bell doesn't really want me talking any more about this specific aspect of my relationship with him, in public, to people I've never seen. What was also made clear in an exchange earlier on is that he's really gone out of his way for me -- to be with me, to help me, to understand me...and it wasn't until today that I realized that I wasn't fully taking into account his desires and needs. That is, he doesn't exist entirely within my mind (or if he does, he's very realistic), and I need to treat him and this relationship like it is a real relationship, not a fantasy.

I'm getting the point right now that I need to be writing a letter to him and not necessarily to you all, though he does seem to be somewhat impressed that I understood the above and wrote it aloud, as it were.

So...given that the question of Bell's existence outside of my head has been one which I seem to persistently mis-evaluate...and have, for a very long time; for those of you who have spirits around you, how have you perceived them in the past, and how do you perceive them now? What led to the change, if there was any? Have you found a way in which to regard them as real and yourself as not-crazy (or at least, not crazy on that point) at the same time? <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> If so, please share. ^_^

-----

I had a meeting with someone just recently where I was talking about what's been going on here and at other places online. I can't entirely recall the content of the exchange, but I do remember saying that I was on the verge of taking on a new worldview. I felt that for the worldview to actually gain me anything (in the sense of its utilitarian or pragmatic value), I would have to diverge from the accepted psychiatric paradigm and actually believe something else that was not supported by science. It probably had to do with the exploration and refinement of my own understanding of my world...

There is something coming back to me, though; the thought that I myself may not be chaotic, but that my sensitivity exposes me to many disparate random fragments of energy, which I've been attempting to own, which make me seem chaotic to myself. There was also another point...that's right, the anxiety. That, taking Estelore's model and adapting it a bit to myself (that is, keeping the Dependent Origination clause in there because it makes sense to me/us), I could have problems with anxiety because I'm essentially hearing the echo of other possibilities which either didn't happen, haven't happened in the recent time-sphere; or could happen, but are unlikely. That is, I could be tuning in to other versions of this life that didn't turn out as well...which is connected with depression in that there is a question as to why I'm tuning in to the worse versions and not the better ones. Or to this one.
2011-03-09 0:15
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Echidna
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Post: #3
Re: spirit relationships (was: Re: spirit marriages)
Chordal Wrote:So...given that the question of Bell's existence outside of my head has been one which I seem to persistently mis-evaluate...and have, for a very long time; for those of you who have spirits around you, how have you perceived them in the past, and how do you perceive them now? What led to the change, if there was any? Have you found a way in which to regard them as real and yourself as not-crazy (or at least, not crazy on that point) at the same time? <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> If so, please share. ^_^

I understand what you are saying, I'm terrible at explaining things I don't fully comprehend myself though <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin -->

Cultures which have shamanism know spirits and their worlds do exist.
They are fully real, just in a different spacetime/dimension. (I doubt shamanistic cultures have the word "crazy". For them, that's just a possessed person.)

The shaman, who is the mediator between the spirits and the human world, has to undergo a lengthy and terrible trial to achieve their powers. (often a deadly illness, which they miraculously overcome)
In some cultures, the shaman is married to a benevolent spirit which guides and helps them.
A spiritual spouse is sometimes regarded the prerogative to becoming a shaman/ka.

I believe people who experience close contact to spirits may be the shaman of our days, or shaman in spe.
Everyone must find their own way though.
And just a bit of warning; one can lose oneself in the spirit worlds and go bonkers <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->
So keep a tether to the real world.
2015-03-18 17:04
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