(rant) Conservative Christianity makes me feel evil.
I know it's been quiet around here -- I checked back the other day and found one locked thread and Klandagi's return. ^_^;; This is basically one of the only places I've been writing substantively online...
So basically, today is the last day of my vacation. I had to go out of the area to attend a wedding, which basically hit me off-guard for a number of reasons. One of them is that I had to get a haircut, because my hair was basically getting really dense and thick. Tonight, the haircutting job was finally fixed, so I have something that is working, instead of whatever the hell my barber thought they could get away with. (It wasn't all her fault; my hair is kind of swooping to one side, even as short as it is.) So I get the initial haircut like a day before we start traveling out of the area, right? And the haircut, combined with my preferred wardrobe, makes it so people don't know what gender I am. So I'm still in shock from having 2 inches of hair taken off, and then we travel out of the area.
The wedding is outside of the relatively LGBTQ-friendly area I live in, so I end up with bathroom anxiety on the way there and on the way back, which I normally don't have to deal with; and end up trying to mitigate my extreme androgyny with cues that signal that I'm female, in order to avoid harassment. Which I don't particularly want to do. Not to mention that I wore a dress to the wedding, which was probably a mistake (given that idiots wanted to use their extremely limited skills to flirt with me -- even though I'm a MEMBER OF THEIR FAMILY), though it shielded me from being obviously targeted by the "OMG same sex marriage is invalid" $&%# that went on.
But that was over the weekend. The rest of the week was spent sleeping in, recovering from the shock of conservative dogma and that there are people who actually believe in and live it, going to group and taking away from it the fact that (some of) this is going to get worse the more I am openly and unapologetically myself (particularly where obtaining housing and employment is concerned -- the unwanted idiotic attempts at flirting should disappear), and dreading going back to work (where I'll have to deal with the racist lady and the guy who asks me "did you get your hair cut" every @$*#! time I see him).
This is probably reading as funny right now, and I guess it would be except for the fact that I've lost some of my confidence and resolve to present the way I want to present and be who I am, instead of blending in and being who others want and expect me to be. I feel like I performed "femme" at the wedding and that this was not honest to what I felt at the time, but I felt it would be dangerous to be open and honest.
*sighs* And oh right, I started thinking of myself as "evil" again. 'Cause that's probably how I'd be seen by this side of the family if they knew I was who I was, instead of seeing my body and assuming from that, that I'm a woman and that I agree with them. I know I'm not evil in any way that actually matters, you know? But I do not sympathize with hateful and bigoted and misogynist versions of Christianity, which would probably cause Christian haters and bigots and misogynists to label me "evil." I was on the verge of, when I heard "this is why two men and two women can't get married," asserting to myself that this is a preacher of "God" speaking, and that I do not recognize his "God." I recognize my own version of Deity, but I am not Christian.
More to the point, I do not know his "God," and do not want to know *HIS SPECIFIC* "God," therefore anything he says about his "God," to me and what his "God" thinks I should or should not do, and should or should not be, is worthless.
So yes, I have been feeling "dark" again recently, though a lot of that is probably because I got triggered. I was harassed for a good 7 years while I was growing up, and isolated by other children before that, for being gender-different (which they thought meant I was homosexual), and had to live through Christian haters on television encouraging the harassment and no church except Glide Memorial taking a stand against it. So I'm relatively bitter, and especially angry and disappointed that a large number of people still don't "get it," despite the progress we've made legally. And now I'm related to a bunch of them.
I'm looking forward to the day when anti-LGBTQ hate is as unthinkable as racism and antisemitism, because to me it's on the same level.