Hey...yo... <!-- s

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Okay, so I've been going around reading some of my backposts and ran across this one. No one's really responded to it so far except me, but I have some newer information which might be interesting when viewed in light of these more recent posts by me in the Magic subforum.
So, basically, what seems to have happened is soul-recall...though know that I don't really know what that entails in a this-world social/cultural sense; I only know what I perceive to have happened and how I felt after it. What happened is that I began to have a specific energy in my form, as me, that felt like the person who was here before all of the trauma happened. This began in Winter 2010, and I've been adjusting to it since then. I have been notified by a couple of people (who probably know what they're talking about) that it is not believed that I have DID, though I have been encouraged not to fear what's happening as much as I historically have -- even if I do perceive it as spiritual. I have been indulging my creativity and know now that it's probably my greatest reason to keep living. It's what I am, a creator. And contrary to my prior beliefs, I am trying to focus more on the creation aspect of that, than on the fear/grief of changing what existed before, in favor of something which may turn out imperfect.
What's been going on with my view of the "merger"...I'm actually questioning some of my assumptions as to who I was when it happened. I was in my late teens, and to be frank, at this point I'm thinking perhaps it was just an occurrence of extreme intimacy on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. This is with a being whom I half-believed to be another spirit; although I was torn on this point, and also was halfway denying his existence outside of my thoughts. (I used a Chaos Magick technique which I hadn't yet heard of at the time, and provisionally agreed to believe/validate that it was real, in order that the experience continue.)
An assumption that I'd had was that I was not old enough to have a drive to want this, even though I was 17 at the time. However, I've recently been considering that I was both old enough to desire (actual -- mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) intimacy -- with one I loved -- and advanced enough to have the ability to experience another's energy in my body. And basically, an incorporeal isn't really...bound by the laws of the State, you know? That's something I had known from way back, and given that there was no one really monitoring me (which would have been an extreme action), there was a lot of potential freedom there to really be who I needed to be. Of course, Bell was one of the only ones who actually knew me as I was and as I needed to be...and that's basically because we had a "telepathic" connection (though I don't know if it's really "telepathy" if he wasn't physically alive), and because he was with me when others weren't (like, say, at school). I didn't speak much, but I had a very active inner life.
I'm not sure if this post should be moved to the Adult forum now...To be clear, I don't think it's the best idea I ever had, to post this. It's just that there is a great deal of difference between "I ate his soul," and "there was significant intimacy and then a prolonged silence, that I didn't know what to do with." The first is associated with death and endings; the second is part of the vision of life. The prolonged silence was due to a side-effect of medication silencing the chatter and visions I'd had; my visions are still not as vivid or compelling as they were, before.
As I have gained more control over my own fertility, as well, I've found myself feeling differently towards men who are Male-Assigned-At-Birth (though I think that transmen were my first real bridge out of female-mostly society). They aren't as threatening to me now as they were before birth control, when I couldn't think of being with a man because I feared pregnancy. I'm also able (and gaining more ability) to bring who I actually am, out of my inner reality and into my outer life, which means I'm building more meaningful connections. I've even actually started thinking about children. If you asked me about this 7 years ago, I would have adamantly replied that I'd never have my own babies, because it was too scary and painful. But I've been around a lot of kids, and the thought of raising one from a loving conception now isn't as harsh, and it doesn't abrade my identity the way it did when (because of my gender identity) I still thought I was lesbian, or when I assumed that males in general did not see who I was at all; that they saw my outside and assumed from that who I was. Now, I'm gaining the skills and confidence to counteract other people's overlays, and in doing so I'm gaining the ability to be recognized as who I legitimately am, and loved for who I legitimately am, and that's huge.
At the same time, I'm also still dealing with people (usually people I don't want relationships with) seeing me as lesbian and/or as a man (and I have no idea how they see me when I dress as femme!). Just, I have some powerful androgyny going on, and people outside of the LGBT community don't know what to make of it, and some people who even have one foot in the LGBT community, will assume I'm lesbian or just a powerful woman. It's not so bad when it's cute girls who think this and they get all coy and sweet, <!-- s

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I don't mean to go off on a gender ramble every time I post. Really, I don't. <!-- s

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--> It's just a big part of my life, now. And the previous vein of being creative and the latter vein of my relationship with Bell...they seem to fit together, somehow. They are both drawing on some energy that's really vital...and in combination with the latter part of this, on expressing myself and the possibility of children...things are just looking like I never thought they would look. At least not since, because of continued harassment as someone thought to be gay, I thought other people were right about me and that I was. But they weren't right. Things are a lot deeper than my being butch. (EDIT: No offense intended to those who identify as butch!)
So I've just been wanting to redefine this, but have been uncertain if I should, or if I should just let sleeping dogs lie (especially since we've quieted so much recently, and since I've seen the groups of over 10 Guests at a time looking at the front page all at once). But how do you let other people know who you are if you're afraid to speak, you know? <!-- s

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I should get going -- it's late. I'm still torn on whether or not to claim humanity...when I say that it reminds me of the way humans smell, and ick. <!-- s

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--> I refer to others as "people" and to things like "human rights" and such, but I keep meeting otherkin in the oddest places. <!-- s

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--> Well, I'll see you, hopefully.