psychic predation (not in the "evil" sense)

Since we have a good number of vampires and energy feeders on this board, maybe it wouldn't hurt to go into some of this...sorry I keep talking about the more disturbing aspects of being me, heh...but maybe someone can identify with it and actually knows what it is. Plus it's kind of like how am I supposed to understand my kintype or lack of one without being honest, eh? BTW, sorry about the tl;dr. I tried to keep an eye on it, but forgot about it, unfortunately.

Basically, one of the things which has been bothering me since I was a kid has been the impulse to ...swallow other things whole. Not physically. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> But like sometimes if I sense myself communicating with what seems to be a spirit, I'll have the unmistakable impulse to engulf it and swallow it. This is the point which caused me not so long ago to think I was naga, because the visualization is like a snake unhinging its jaw and eating something. The feeling is of something good going down my esophagus. Well, there's this and the tactile thing during waking dreams, but that's another topic.

I can generally stop and regurgitate whatever it is I've gotten the impulse to "eat," and I usually try to when I sense it happening, because it is really disturbing to me. Not just because I don't know entirely what it is that I'm taking into myself, but because I don't want to go around consuming other beings spiritually. At the very least, it seems there would be karmic repercussions, unless this truly is just part of my makeup.

The consuming is basically the process which occurred when Bell became a part of my system. I'm not sure if he triggered it in me through some kind of symbiotic gnosis-transfer (empowering me to take him in); or if it's something that was latent in me that he just triggered.

Then there's the thing I mentioned about the possibility of Bell fusing with Fiore, and that seems to be...well, nothing less than using the same ability to essentially swallow Fiore whole and create a new, stronger, BelFiore with Fiore's emotion balanced by Bell's wisdom. But looking back -- this will not be without consequences, as the first fusion was not without consequences; I did not consider myself plural until some time after the fusion. We suspect that the plurality may be in some way linked with Bell fusing with incarnation after incarnation and not utterly destroying them (possibly to enable the opt-out I mention below). So I have now to wonder why it is that Bell is so easily willing to bond with Fiore. ...Unless it's already begun, this being the reason why both of them are so willing. I was very willing too, when it happened to me.

Fiore wants wisdom and love, and Bell at least seemingly, has both. (I'm uncertain, should the fusion go forward, as to whether Bell would then gain Fiore's shapeshifting ability.)

When I consider this tangent along with what I was saying earlier, I'm wondering if I have energy-feeding tendencies -- but I don't know if consuming and integrating other beings into myself is really equivalent. It might be that the latter is simply reabsorbing my own projections. But this experience is why I used, a long time ago, to consider myself a "soul-eater," (or at the least to have become a soul-eater, post-fusion,) which rather understandably led to a lot of, well, misunderstanding (like "hahaha let's both try to eat each other" misunderstanding -- 1. why would I want to eat some random guy, and 2. it doesn't work that way). I didn't understand it fully at the time myself, and still don't -- but I've been on both ends of this (potentially), so far as visions go; at the time it was only my Satanic affiliation which caused what I had (ignorantly) contacted to let me go.

Essentially, if the mythology is correct...Bell is a body-hopper who fuses with willing hosts and carries them on into the next incarnation. And in the sense of a natural predator, like a hawk...not a human one...this just seems to be what he does; it doesn't to us make him essentially "evil." To be clear: he hasn't asserted dominance over the life; if anything, he's been in the back seat for much of the time he's been with us.

I still haven't decided whether I want to travel on with him or not; there may be an opt-out in the distant future, but fact is that I haven't known what it's like to be by myself in this mind for at least the last 17 years.

It's not totally easy to talk about this, but I'm hoping that someone neutral-to-benevolent (to us -- "benevolent" not meaning "exorcist") out there knows what this is, or could tell me I'm not alone in this.

--Host/Adrian (blendy)

I'm trying to think back...I believe November of 2010 was the month when I began to feel more like "myself" again? Not sure about this; I can seek it out later.

So hello. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->

I was just doing some writing elsewhere and something along the lines of a parallel understanding of my situation struck me. This is the theory that Bell's fusion with me was basically an act of magic, and that he wasn't quite a demon, though that's a good label for how I understand myself now. Originally the concept was that he was a (probably human, probably East Asian, I suspect Chinese) kid, slightly older than myself (14), who had died on the freeway outside my window (which is very plausible).

I hate to bring this up, because it sounds really self-aggrandizing and somewhat puts me in the line of fire (which I don't need), but over time the question has arisen as to whether he is basically an earthbound spiritual immortal. I'm uncertain that the concept in my mind parallels the concept in Daoism...I haven't done enough research on it yet. And aspects of this are hidden to my present psyche -- Bell has his own mind and his own secrets, which are only revealed to me as I need to know them, it seems. But joining with a child significantly post-birth in order to retain aspects of oneself which would be occluded in a regular incarnation sounds...at its core, like a system to cheat death. I did read about this way later down the line, in Robert Bruce's book on psychic self-defense...which makes me wonder where he got it from, because I really don't know where I got it from, other than Bell.

But this is the explanation given to me by Bell when I was younger; that he would join with me and that if I wished, I could "opt-out" at the end of this life and go my own way, or I could continue on with him, which at this time would become a permanent join (and I would essentially become what he was, as I would then be him/me -- the problem was the speculation of being earthbound, the loss of my distinct pre-Bell identity, the possibility of punishment for breaking the usual order of things, and the possibility of immortality).

The thing is that prior to Bell, I don't recall having any alternate identities, or other "imaginary friends" who were beyond the reach of my control. It was when Bell came around that I found the ability to let him act through my body, and after that came the really obvious dissociative formations leading into multiple identities (though I don't think I realized that I may have been seriously multiple [and not psychic] until college, which, I think, is also the time when I began to think that maybe my nighttime psychic dealings were real). It's basically the reason I freaked out when I found myself identifying as male at that time, as I'd disbelieved in the reality of the merger as anything more than imagination. To suddenly find what I perceived as concrete proof of its veracity, was more than a little frightening, because it meant that Bell *was* a spirit I'd contacted, and that I *had* made a pact with him, and that he *was* in me, and that's why I couldn't summon him like I'd prior done, for years...'cause you can't summon yourself! Can you?

So why am I writing in? Hmm. Anyone know anything about spiritual immortality in a Daoist sense of the term? The constant historical revision that seems to be going on with my understanding of this seems to be in line with Chinese (not necessarily diasporic Chinese-American, but Chinese) sensibility, from what I've read -- that historical accuracy isn't really emphasized in Chinese history; that what matters is the relation of the present to the past. I've also read brief bits about Daoism's competition with Flower Garland Buddhism in ancient Chinese history, and how they swiped each others' doctrines. I also know a little tiny bit about internal and external alchemy, whose aims were spiritual and physical immortality, respectively. I could start with internal alchemy via Tai Chi or Qi Gong, but my belief hasn't been strong enough so far to do so.

Basically, I'm thinking that my own plurality has to do with Bell's inclusion in my psyche, as I encounter new formations or "undigested" bits of multiple past (collected) lives, and I'm now assuming that this has a possibility of being real, with real-world components which may help things make more sense...

Thanks for reading...?

Note to self:

READ the books in your personal library.

K, thanks! <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Hey...yo... <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Okay, so I've been going around reading some of my backposts and ran across this one. No one's really responded to it so far except me, but I have some newer information which might be interesting when viewed in light of these more recent posts by me in the Magic subforum.

So, basically, what seems to have happened is soul-recall...though know that I don't really know what that entails in a this-world social/cultural sense; I only know what I perceive to have happened and how I felt after it. What happened is that I began to have a specific energy in my form, as me, that felt like the person who was here before all of the trauma happened. This began in Winter 2010, and I've been adjusting to it since then. I have been notified by a couple of people (who probably know what they're talking about) that it is not believed that I have DID, though I have been encouraged not to fear what's happening as much as I historically have -- even if I do perceive it as spiritual. I have been indulging my creativity and know now that it's probably my greatest reason to keep living. It's what I am, a creator. And contrary to my prior beliefs, I am trying to focus more on the creation aspect of that, than on the fear/grief of changing what existed before, in favor of something which may turn out imperfect.

What's been going on with my view of the "merger"...I'm actually questioning some of my assumptions as to who I was when it happened. I was in my late teens, and to be frank, at this point I'm thinking perhaps it was just an occurrence of extreme intimacy on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. This is with a being whom I half-believed to be another spirit; although I was torn on this point, and also was halfway denying his existence outside of my thoughts. (I used a Chaos Magick technique which I hadn't yet heard of at the time, and provisionally agreed to believe/validate that it was real, in order that the experience continue.)

An assumption that I'd had was that I was not old enough to have a drive to want this, even though I was 17 at the time. However, I've recently been considering that I was both old enough to desire (actual -- mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) intimacy -- with one I loved -- and advanced enough to have the ability to experience another's energy in my body. And basically, an incorporeal isn't really...bound by the laws of the State, you know? That's something I had known from way back, and given that there was no one really monitoring me (which would have been an extreme action), there was a lot of potential freedom there to really be who I needed to be. Of course, Bell was one of the only ones who actually knew me as I was and as I needed to be...and that's basically because we had a "telepathic" connection (though I don't know if it's really "telepathy" if he wasn't physically alive), and because he was with me when others weren't (like, say, at school). I didn't speak much, but I had a very active inner life.

I'm not sure if this post should be moved to the Adult forum now...To be clear, I don't think it's the best idea I ever had, to post this. It's just that there is a great deal of difference between "I ate his soul," and "there was significant intimacy and then a prolonged silence, that I didn't know what to do with." The first is associated with death and endings; the second is part of the vision of life. The prolonged silence was due to a side-effect of medication silencing the chatter and visions I'd had; my visions are still not as vivid or compelling as they were, before.

As I have gained more control over my own fertility, as well, I've found myself feeling differently towards men who are Male-Assigned-At-Birth (though I think that transmen were my first real bridge out of female-mostly society). They aren't as threatening to me now as they were before birth control, when I couldn't think of being with a man because I feared pregnancy. I'm also able (and gaining more ability) to bring who I actually am, out of my inner reality and into my outer life, which means I'm building more meaningful connections. I've even actually started thinking about children. If you asked me about this 7 years ago, I would have adamantly replied that I'd never have my own babies, because it was too scary and painful. But I've been around a lot of kids, and the thought of raising one from a loving conception now isn't as harsh, and it doesn't abrade my identity the way it did when (because of my gender identity) I still thought I was lesbian, or when I assumed that males in general did not see who I was at all; that they saw my outside and assumed from that who I was. Now, I'm gaining the skills and confidence to counteract other people's overlays, and in doing so I'm gaining the ability to be recognized as who I legitimately am, and loved for who I legitimately am, and that's huge.

At the same time, I'm also still dealing with people (usually people I don't want relationships with) seeing me as lesbian and/or as a man (and I have no idea how they see me when I dress as femme!). Just, I have some powerful androgyny going on, and people outside of the LGBT community don't know what to make of it, and some people who even have one foot in the LGBT community, will assume I'm lesbian or just a powerful woman. It's not so bad when it's cute girls who think this and they get all coy and sweet, <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> , but to be constantly misrecognized, especially by people who are desperately trying, and failing, to make meaningful connections, is something I feel like I need to deal with, somehow.

I don't mean to go off on a gender ramble every time I post. Really, I don't. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> It's just a big part of my life, now. And the previous vein of being creative and the latter vein of my relationship with Bell...they seem to fit together, somehow. They are both drawing on some energy that's really vital...and in combination with the latter part of this, on expressing myself and the possibility of children...things are just looking like I never thought they would look. At least not since, because of continued harassment as someone thought to be gay, I thought other people were right about me and that I was. But they weren't right. Things are a lot deeper than my being butch. (EDIT: No offense intended to those who identify as butch!)

So I've just been wanting to redefine this, but have been uncertain if I should, or if I should just let sleeping dogs lie (especially since we've quieted so much recently, and since I've seen the groups of over 10 Guests at a time looking at the front page all at once). But how do you let other people know who you are if you're afraid to speak, you know? <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

I should get going -- it's late. I'm still torn on whether or not to claim humanity...when I say that it reminds me of the way humans smell, and ick. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> I refer to others as "people" and to things like "human rights" and such, but I keep meeting otherkin in the oddest places. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> Well, I'll see you, hopefully.