Hi Klandagi!
Thanks for the nice letter! I probably am going to stick around for a while, especially given that my identity is in ongoing flux. <!-- s

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--> If you'd like to PM me, you have my permission. <!-- s

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--> Just a note, though, I think that our PM inboxes have a relatively small amount of storage space. Looking at my own inbox, I think we get 50 messages that can be held in there at one time. You can PM me or post to the intro thread, whatever puts you more at ease. <!-- s

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--> I know that safety online is relative, but sometimes knowing that one's thoughts aren't *automatically* open to any member, can help.
So, this "pressure of normalcy" thing...I've been thinking on this more. There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head about identity and what it means to have an identity...I'm not sure I can get all of this out here right now, but I can try.
I've been having issues recently with bits of information being distant from what people would call "the front", in a certain community I used to be a part of. That means, basically, that someone may ask me a question and I'll be able to respond with fragments of what they want to know, but for some other bits I might only get a mild "ping" off somewhere behind and to my left. In my anxiety to supply all the information *now*, I miss recognizing that subtle little ping that would otherwise tell me I'm forgetting something. The thing is that I don't always realize I'm forgetting anything...I've heard this can result from stress. I mention this because it's been affecting me more strongly than ever, within the past three weeks. I'm not sure what I can do besides work through it...this relates because I'm not sure that here and now I can recall and relate everything I've been experiencing.
Today when I was at work, at one point I recall really not wanting to be there, but needing the money (probably a common dilemma), and considered for a moment switching out into a specific identity -- the one who had been associated with the thoughts around demons, and also the one who carried me through some tough times -- this is the Fire elemental I mention below. Then I remembered what had happened at other times when I'd called him out and he didn't want to be there, and I remembered how troublesome it is when certain reactions become ingrained because beings think that when they hold a certain identity, they therefore must act or react in a certain way. In this case, the person I wanted to shift into is known for being a tiny bit quick to anger, and sometimes socially cold. Thankfully, I remembered that, before I could shift...I kind of don't need new drama at work, you know? <!-- s

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I was also thinking about the terms relating to moving into or out of a psychic space, particularly the "P-Shift" terminology. This is on top of the Five Elements reading I've been doing...or trying to do...in which I found that this "spirit" may very well be the personification of Fire energy in my system. Basically, he's the key Fire elemental (if that term applies) in my miniature universe. I did not actually realize that I had much of anything "fiery" going on, until I realized that this element is connected with love and hate, openheartedness, vulnerability, and joy. Which, you know, actually sounds like who I was before the ongoing harassment and depression took hold.
This is also curious in that if this theory holds, I might have a number of elementals in my system which combine to make "me."
I was reminded of this the other day as well...when the name of two entities whom I'd wanted to balance each other years ago, came to light in a brand name of a food at my produce market (how plebeian, right? But until then, I didn't even know that the name I'd made for them was actually a real name). It did get me thinking about them, though, and about the ground I've covered since that time, including the period in which I abandoned the merger hypothesis...which still feels somewhat more accurate to me than other explanations, but not quietly so. There's more beneath the surface, but I haven't uncovered it yet. It just feels more workable and like less of a downer, than the explanation that I absorbed my spirit friend.
I think it's likely that when I first met the being I now call my first spirit helper, he was actually the spirit of a deceased young human; there is nothing to contraindicate this, and I used to live next to a freeway, where it's likely more than one person died on an average day. That freeway was also bordered by water, which would have encouraged the spirits to come my way; we also lived next to a creek, which would have further bounded them in (running water is said to stop earthbound spirits). What happened after that, I'm no longer sure. Identities are a bit mashed up; I'm uncertain whether my first spirit helper just took the form of this boy after he went on with his afterlife, or whether that boy just continued on inside of, or with, me.
The seed of my Fire elemental, the other half of this proposed merger, was a different spirit, one whom I've thought of as "deranged, but not evil," for quite a while. When I was a kid, I made a "softer," more kid-friendly version of him so that I wouldn't fear or dread his presence all of the time. (I had a habit of doing this; it's like the skeleton imaginary friend I made because I was afraid of the sight of skulls.) That softer version became the identity I grew into, in late high school and early college. To join these two would majorly benefit the Fire elemental (granting him a measure of self-control), while it would darken the other. But seeing how the other had a nature so that he would accept this if it would put the Fire elemental into less pain...this may be the spirit I've contacted who brings to mind the Bodhisattva hypothesis in me.
Right now I'm reviewing your post and something came to the fore for me that I've been thinking about in the context of what you've said. This is an idea that I've had confirmed from some of my reading, which is that it's possible to start out, spiritually speaking, at a more advanced level than the general population because of training in prior lives. However, from what little I've been able -- or compelled -- to read of the Western Mystery Tradition, it's said that people with this kind of past-life history tend to wind up with mental illness in later lives, and that it's recommended that they stay away from magick. I would not entirely agree, because in my case I did not seek the "magick," the "magick" is following me. I do not compel the "magick" to appear or control it directly with my thoughts. In short, I am not its master. I'm a part of what's going on, but by no means its entirety. What's happened, or so I believe, is that I have something of a community backing me up on what would be called the other side of the veil; it's on this side of the veil that things have broken down, in which the trainings have either been largely lost, or in which I am distant from their direct locales, and thus finding a quality teacher -- not to mention, settling on a tradition *in which to find* a teacher -- is difficult.
So, the name I used to go by, online, back when I was more deranged than I am now... <!-- s

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--> ...is so representative of Fire that I'm not sure I have to (or should) name it here. But what I was trying to write about, above, was actually that the "demonic" feelings have not entirely ceased. I feel more bright and alive somehow when I'm able to let this part go. When I was majorly depressed, it would give me a jolt to get out of bed, just to think that I was myself and I was awesome and I would conquer this day. (This was back in my pentagram-wearing days [...don't ask]. <!-- s

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I've also realized that social disapproval of anything having to do with "demons" (except anime) is a major reason why I'm not so fond of naming myself as "demonic." Well, besides the fact that there are different classes of Demons, and the known Demons whose energy I've felt, I don't entirely sync with. (Angels are different, but Angels and Demons aren't necessarily the same types of beings on some polarized scale.) And then there's the fact that anything with the word "demon" attached to it tends to attract a lot of stuff I just don't need, including extreme right-wing politics and the constant stream of people the right-wingers hate, etc. In short, there's a lot of drama that I don't need.
What is interesting though is to think on myself as demonic after a long enough time in which I have *not* thought of myself as demonic, and to realize that I'm the same being, regardless of what I call myself. And it's like, hey, I was getting along pretty well there for a while without having to deal with this. Maybe the general dishevelment is external to me and not within me. And then mess happens like the wedding I just attended and I just feel evil for a few days because I'm not Christian and because the Christians are being offensive, and I know with full certainty that I will never be one of them in this lifetime, unless they get their act together and start being more tolerant. I'm not sure that can happen within an orthodoxic religion, however.
OK, I am trailing off, now... <!-- s

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--> By the way, I totally understand wanting to get your thoughts together before posting. I do that a lot, too. <!-- s

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--> I will try and remember to do some thinking on formlessness...that's something that my thoughts have also touched on, seeing as how my beliefs are presently dualistic (matter/spirit), and as such, I do not know where my ultimate identity may lie (or from what points it may extend).
All right, I'll wait for your update! <!-- s

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--> Right now I should probably get some rest...