I did some reading in Bruce (in
Practical Psychic Self-Defense)and it seems that pretty much the vast majority of what he's talking about is doable, in my case -- as regards my last thread in the Magic subforum. I'm thinking that if I can set up a good system around myself which discourages others from interfering in my psyche, then I might actually be able to learn magic with more stability and peace, and less concern of being overshadowed; less chaotic or unwanted thoughts.
Is...this why Bruce says that many magic practitioners put effort into preemptive defense twice a day?
I've been thinking, anyway, on the idea of deities -- why they exist, what they might be, why people might link up with them. And wondering, if it might be a good idea for me to seek this (a deity, that is), instead of being a relatively neutral outsider. The benefits I can see are 1) protection, 2) communion, 3) having a system to work within.
The only deity which has called to me, however, has been -- or was; I was very young and naive; associated with Satanism. Though I now believe that Demonolatry is more likely where I would find what I'm searching for. Given that the term "Satan" is a title, not a name, and hence I don't actually know who the being was that I found, who was cool with the title (and associated with the sulfur scent, etc -- which oddly enough...sulfur is a purifier? I didn't know that until last night). Also given that Demonolatry is more acknowledged-polytheistic, closer to Paganism, and Satanism is kind of more like..."Satan" may be there, but "Satan" could be anyone, and is generally left up to individual interpretation (excepting some prominent harmful cults [as versus benign ones]).
I have thought in the past that I might actually already be under the protection of a demon...who kept me from running into a problem with a fire elemental...and who also may be protecting my psyche from unwanted intruders. Problem is, I have no idea who s/he is. It has also been a long time since I knowingly communicated with hir, given that I'm not supposed to summon demons (house rule) and given that it's been a long time since I broke off communication with Satanist groups.
I also currently have little idea what "demon" meant to me, back when I was on the Satanist boards...so I have little idea of how this being would be accurately acknowledged among humans. I can mine my journals and see if I can find any answers -- but...I wasn't mentally stable then, so I can predict a good amount of wanting to smack myself. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s

--> Also, a large amount of it is in some strange form of archive...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to extract them, at least so long as the files are clean.
What I got an idea of on the Satanism forums was a type of renewal deity, which was reflected in the concept of death just because the old had to die for the new to have room to grow. In my mode of thought, death is a process which leads to change and regeneration and growth. Hopefully, into something better, more evolved -- something that has learned or developed.
Come to think of it...this was also connected with a rainforest visualization. My idea of "Hell"...which I had to create myself, being sympathetic to "dark" spirits and not having been trained by religion -- was a rainforest. Someplace beautiful and alive and diverse, but dangerous. I created this because the idea of being tortured forever doesn't make any sense, even if Satan was evil or a sadist -- neither of which my own "Satan" seems to be.
I keep thinking of Central America as containing this...this rainforest vision that has followed me, but I don't know if that is only because Central America is what's most accessible.
Anyhow, somewhere during or shortly after my main Satanist period (which was mostly spent online, not looking for information offline -- habit), I got the idea that maybe Samael was the deity I'd been exposed to. (Yes, I know that within Christianity he's seen as an angel, and that Christianity seems to forbid worshiping angels...but, I'm not Christian.) I started focusing on him...and found that the energy I got was not what I'd felt before. Later I realized that this was because Samael was associated with judgment, and because the Near-Eastern concept of death was different from mine.
The experience with Samael, even though he was not my patron, leads me to believe that synching up with a deity may be...a potentially very positive thing. I mean, if the random synchronicities are positive, rather than, for example, being caught off-guard by references to "poison" and "death" and the like. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> I think what happened last time (and with the fire elemental) was so frightening that it threw me off the trail until now. Also, there's the popular association of demons with fire...I'm associated with water. And I'm essentially peaceful. The two don't seem on the surface to go together...which is why I'm hoping I'll find something else in the Demonolatry book(s).
So...if I'm going to look for patron deities...would you recommend I start here? Does it seem that I'm caught up in a long-term campaign launched by negative entities so that I'll remain dark-oriented? Or does it seem I should start looking into Central American beliefs?
I do want to start reading my OFS Demonolatry book again, it's just that it scared me last time, with the enns and such. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> But then, I live with people who have quite fearful attitudes towards demons, and I already know that their fear can transfer over to me -- now that I've noticed the synching phenomenon, it makes sense.
I also know that it doesn't seem I have to be as frightened as I once was that people would reject me if they knew my religious affiliation...for one thing because I don't have to tell them; for another because who I am is accepted -- the religion occludes who I am, not the other way around.
I think it's time to go to bed...