patron deities? (talks about demons; long)

I did some reading in Bruce (in Practical Psychic Self-Defense)and it seems that pretty much the vast majority of what he's talking about is doable, in my case -- as regards my last thread in the Magic subforum. I'm thinking that if I can set up a good system around myself which discourages others from interfering in my psyche, then I might actually be able to learn magic with more stability and peace, and less concern of being overshadowed; less chaotic or unwanted thoughts.

Is...this why Bruce says that many magic practitioners put effort into preemptive defense twice a day?

I've been thinking, anyway, on the idea of deities -- why they exist, what they might be, why people might link up with them. And wondering, if it might be a good idea for me to seek this (a deity, that is), instead of being a relatively neutral outsider. The benefits I can see are 1) protection, 2) communion, 3) having a system to work within.

The only deity which has called to me, however, has been -- or was; I was very young and naive; associated with Satanism. Though I now believe that Demonolatry is more likely where I would find what I'm searching for. Given that the term "Satan" is a title, not a name, and hence I don't actually know who the being was that I found, who was cool with the title (and associated with the sulfur scent, etc -- which oddly enough...sulfur is a purifier? I didn't know that until last night). Also given that Demonolatry is more acknowledged-polytheistic, closer to Paganism, and Satanism is kind of more like..."Satan" may be there, but "Satan" could be anyone, and is generally left up to individual interpretation (excepting some prominent harmful cults [as versus benign ones]).

I have thought in the past that I might actually already be under the protection of a demon...who kept me from running into a problem with a fire elemental...and who also may be protecting my psyche from unwanted intruders. Problem is, I have no idea who s/he is. It has also been a long time since I knowingly communicated with hir, given that I'm not supposed to summon demons (house rule) and given that it's been a long time since I broke off communication with Satanist groups.

I also currently have little idea what "demon" meant to me, back when I was on the Satanist boards...so I have little idea of how this being would be accurately acknowledged among humans. I can mine my journals and see if I can find any answers -- but...I wasn't mentally stable then, so I can predict a good amount of wanting to smack myself. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> Also, a large amount of it is in some strange form of archive...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to extract them, at least so long as the files are clean.

What I got an idea of on the Satanism forums was a type of renewal deity, which was reflected in the concept of death just because the old had to die for the new to have room to grow. In my mode of thought, death is a process which leads to change and regeneration and growth. Hopefully, into something better, more evolved -- something that has learned or developed.

Come to think of it...this was also connected with a rainforest visualization. My idea of "Hell"...which I had to create myself, being sympathetic to "dark" spirits and not having been trained by religion -- was a rainforest. Someplace beautiful and alive and diverse, but dangerous. I created this because the idea of being tortured forever doesn't make any sense, even if Satan was evil or a sadist -- neither of which my own "Satan" seems to be.

I keep thinking of Central America as containing this...this rainforest vision that has followed me, but I don't know if that is only because Central America is what's most accessible.

Anyhow, somewhere during or shortly after my main Satanist period (which was mostly spent online, not looking for information offline -- habit), I got the idea that maybe Samael was the deity I'd been exposed to. (Yes, I know that within Christianity he's seen as an angel, and that Christianity seems to forbid worshiping angels...but, I'm not Christian.) I started focusing on him...and found that the energy I got was not what I'd felt before. Later I realized that this was because Samael was associated with judgment, and because the Near-Eastern concept of death was different from mine.

The experience with Samael, even though he was not my patron, leads me to believe that synching up with a deity may be...a potentially very positive thing. I mean, if the random synchronicities are positive, rather than, for example, being caught off-guard by references to "poison" and "death" and the like. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> I think what happened last time (and with the fire elemental) was so frightening that it threw me off the trail until now. Also, there's the popular association of demons with fire...I'm associated with water. And I'm essentially peaceful. The two don't seem on the surface to go together...which is why I'm hoping I'll find something else in the Demonolatry book(s).

So...if I'm going to look for patron deities...would you recommend I start here? Does it seem that I'm caught up in a long-term campaign launched by negative entities so that I'll remain dark-oriented? Or does it seem I should start looking into Central American beliefs?

I do want to start reading my OFS Demonolatry book again, it's just that it scared me last time, with the enns and such. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> But then, I live with people who have quite fearful attitudes towards demons, and I already know that their fear can transfer over to me -- now that I've noticed the synching phenomenon, it makes sense.

I also know that it doesn't seem I have to be as frightened as I once was that people would reject me if they knew my religious affiliation...for one thing because I don't have to tell them; for another because who I am is accepted -- the religion occludes who I am, not the other way around.

I think it's time to go to bed...

Heya,

Look I found a post to necro. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> I suppose I could write some more in here...

I still haven't gone over my journals, yet, but if things go the way they look like they're going to go, I may be writing more prolifically very soon -- and the journals could be a good source to mine. Library school isn't going all that well (HAHA 3 WEEKS BEHIND HAHA), and I question whether my drive is enough to get me through the program, when it's already been eroded by reality, as versus expectation. That is, a career in public service isn't the best choice for someone who would prefer not to be serving the public. So...what I can do is keep working in the interim and start up my writing again, and start up the jewelry again. It'll be a lot of work, but it will be work that I chose, and which I know is possible for me, at least when I'm not too hung up on questions of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and am I being socially responsible enough...which is a bad habit that just seems to come from the dual prongs of being too intelligent and too introspective.

So, this thing about patron deities, yeah? I've heard over on a different forum that the Western Mystery Tradition reaches back to roots in ancient Sumeria, Akkadia, Babylonia/Chaldea... As a start, I can begin by researching the king whose name came to me. He was apparently alive in an era when Zoroastrianism existed, though he wasn't Zoroastrian. I'm thinking that maybe if I look into this, I could (eventually) find the name of the God I'm dealing with. That right there would give me a patron -- and having a patron with cultural context, could solve a lot of problems.

The thing is, by this point, I know that consciously working magic isn't the best choice for someone with a mind which tends to obsession and fear, as mine does. Petitioning Deities, I'm fine with, especially if or when I know I can trust those Deities -- I have absolutely no reason to believe that whoever or whatever it is I'm dealing with, at this point in time, is hostile to me. The question has more to do with whether I find the right name, and the right Deity, or not. Hopefully it won't be another incident like the one with Samael, though I really should have known better, on that front. Venom and death in one culture (Zuni; Rattlesnake; death/change/rebirth) is not necessarily the same as venom and death in another (Hebrew; Samael; death/judgment).

Wouldn't that be so bizarre, though -- if I ended up becoming a Reconstructionist. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> Seems awesome and strangely familiar at the same time...I've been on forums with Reconstructionists in the past; however, I wasn't mature enough to really "get it," then. So it was more a question of "why are all these Recons here?" than "hey, so your Deities were demonized and that's why you ally yourself with those who see themselves as 'dark'?"

Anyhey. Whoever it is that I'm dealing with, psychically, I am curious about, especially as they seem kind and helpful. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> It just seems so...out of the air to go from Satanism to Demonolatry to some form of Near-East Reconstructionism. But the transition is so smooth...especially so as "Satan" is unnamed, and when we start talking about "Demons" and "Angels" we also get into the concept of the appropriation of nearby Deities, just subsumed under the Abrahamic god. It seems that the more I let go of (anger at, thus engagement with) the latter concept, the more clearly the former come into view as players in their own right...and not in the sense that "they're too busy, so why would they listen to me," but as beings whose attention one can get, and who actually can and may interact.

If you're wondering, I'm writing this here and not on the Demonolatry forum, because it's safer here. After I wrote that last post, I recalled (earlier today, actually) the reasons why I have repeatedly left the online Satanist community, which seems to encompass Demonolatry at present. I'm sure that mining my journals would bring that back into sharp focus...unfortunately I think it's the state of the game at this point.

It's late, my cat is fighting my laptop for lapspace, I'm not scrolling up to check - but if you're looking for a "dark" (for whatever meaning you prefer) deity with American leanings, you could look into Tezcatlipoca, The Enemy On Both Sides, Smoking Mirror, He in Whose Thrall We Are . . . etc.

Archer Wrote:It's late, my cat is fighting my laptop for lapspace, I'm not scrolling up to check - but if you're looking for a "dark" (for whatever meaning you prefer) deity with American leanings, you could look into Tezcatlipoca, The Enemy On Both Sides, Smoking Mirror, He in Whose Thrall We Are . . . etc.

I wonder if you've been talking with the guy who I used to know who was dedicated to Tezcatlipoca... <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

I haven't been talking to anyone lately <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> I first became aware of Tezcatlipoca in, hmmm, 1995 or so, I think.

I'm...not sure as to whether this should go in a different thread or not, but. It seems that, by my coming around to what may be my life purpose (that is, to be a creator), I may also have come to a clearer sense of my Deity.

I'm actually feeling pretty sick right now (I was exposed to a friend who might have been actively running a fever and shedding virus the day before yesterday), so I don't know how long I'll be able to stay online. But basically -- if you look at my recent backposts and take the idea of my Deity (or as I called it then, my "All") and reduce that "All" in scope to a Deity of "Life," (in this sense not relating to physical lifespan [or does it 'eat/breathe/grow'] but the essence of life which even incorporeal "spirits" have) then it becomes apparent that there may be other Deities of other things (like Matter, Time, Light, etc). This makes my system inherently polytheistic, simply by recognition that my own Deity is not equivalent to the All, and inference that there might be other powers in relation to other qualities.

If this doesn't make sense, let me know, because otherwise I won't.

One of the key aspects of Life is Creation. This is what I'm dealing with (and a bit freaked out about), now. I believe it's my life mission to create and have an impact on my world; this is strengthened by the fact that I've been having a ton of synchronicities and a lot of "help" which is just seeming to throw itself at me. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> Along with some tests -- one of which is whether to apply to a job position I don't want because it will look good on my resume and gain me more money and because people say I "deserve" the position (it's further up the hierarchy) -- but at the cost of my Art education.

In any case, it would seem that what I'm dealing with is being a Creator in the service of a Deity of Life, and I'm probably surrounded by spirits encouraging me on in this manner...which I kind of need, because creating things which have never existed before and wouldn't exist, except for me, is fairly scary. Actually, the rest of my life is something which I'll need some fortification towards, because the tests on my resolve and commitment have already started. This then relates back to my given name, which relates to having strength in this life (and after).

If, however, I actually am being assisted by my spirits, my difficulties might be relatively eased -- though they tell me that it may not always be as easy as this.

They also say to throw this out here: Does anyone have leads on where the Chaos Magick current has gone? I haven't searched for it recently, because they were sporadic and hidden even when I knew them (unless one knew the right keywords to search). But I'm thinking that knowledge of the theory may help, because I'm essentially birthing my own belief system. I never read any AOS or Phil Hine, and actually the entire thing with Ceremonial Magick (in the Western Mystery Tradition, e.g. Golden Dawn, Thelema) has a tendency to turn me off because of the emphasis on CONTROL. I'm much more of a flowy/drowny type (that is, I tend more towards what I know of Taoism) than a conquer & control person. That is, I'm a flow person, not a force person, and I do not rely on clear boundaries between "good" and "evil."

Mods, if you would like to move this to the Magick forum, it's OK with me. I feel the need to get some rest now, though...maybe I can read in one of my Taoism books...