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negative valuation to positive: proto-healer; identity
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negative valuation to positive: proto-healer; identity
Since it's quiet and I actually have a topic...well. I should first off say that I *still* have not been meditating (as anything I'd consider meditation for the purpose of identity formation, at least), so my accuracy may be off. (I may be taking things too intellectually.)

I've been thinking recently about the self-valuation that is tied up in this identity thing. Why it is that it seems that I tend to label myself with labels that society (hence, possibly myself on a deep level) sees as negative, instead of positive. Recently I've switched to a positive valuation -- and I did take a break from socializing online for a while -- and both of these things together have resulted in a loosening of the "demon" label. And coming back here...I kind of wonder why I've written what I wrote. It seems like I've been *trying* to define myself as otherkin, without the label necessarily having validity in my case. And trying to remain with a "dark" label because...of past conditioning. Even when I can see that my self, in the real world, is not remotely, "dark".

What I can see at this point is that it seems like I have a lot of spirits surrounding me. A lot of spirits whom, in the past, I've often mistaken for myself. Spirits whom I've tried to apply human concepts to -- like the concept of (romantic/sexual) love. (Whatever that is. In my experience, spirits don't have eros.) Or the concept of "goodness." But what is "good"? What does that mean, outside of religion? Is there an essence to it or is it a cultural construction? Absolute or subjective? Is there any sense of it outside of philosophy? Is philosophy entirely a human construction, hence nonapplicable to the spirit world, where humans are a minority?

I don't talk about this very often IRL (I have only recently broached the subject with a non-professional someone), but...I have a number of players here. One or two are clearly spirit helpers. A different one is a spirit helper/totem/defense augment. Then there are two familiar spirits, one of whom I'm uncertain may be a past life imprint, the other of whom I've just connected with information I've obtained online; and two to three current aspects of self, one of which encompasses the other two. To try and keep it simple. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

I've been, gradually, moving away from the identity question...because it seems that perhaps the best way to deal with it is not with a death grip. Who am I, who am I, who am I. Sometimes questions can't be solved just by willpower. Sometimes they're the wrong questions to ask. Sometimes the time of realization is just not now, and all pushing for the answer will get is misery because the answer is not there, cannot be there, until it comes with experience and learning.

Tying in with this...I've gotten the hit on a number of fronts (at least four) that I might be able to be a healer, though the first person I have to heal is myself. I was looking through a book I got a number of years ago on the possibility that what was seen as an illness in me -- which, I've said before, may have been either hereditary or an ordeal -- could be a sign of a "spiritual" awakening, and not necessarily what psychiatry said it was. Though, that train of thought leads off on a digression on psychiatry as versus anti-psychiatry, and I'm pretty sure you all didn't come here to read about that.

So, right now I seem to be in a place where...it seems as though the entire question of "what" I am, spiritually, does not apply. I'm from Earth, pretty sure about that; <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> but I don't identify particularly strongly with anything I expect to have been. I have had relatively strong identifications in the past, but these tended to fall along the lines of who I was surrounded by -- which is why I think I may have wanted to identify as otherkin.

I'm reading a book on mineral healing right now, which I mention because the author states that a healer has to see things through another's eyes -- to enter his reality -- before she will be able to heal him. I've also read in the book on aura colors that those with Crystal auras synch their own aura colors to match those with whom they are surrounded -- that their natural aura color is transparent. These two hits seem to point at neutrality and the ability to synch as a positive quality for a healer.

Then there is the idea that for those with a personality type (which I have), mentioned in the mineral healing book, the major life difficulty is owning one's own life, and not living the lives of others in order to please them. From the aura color lexicon; remaining clear and not living the life of, say, a Green aura type just because one happens to be influenced by a Green. Not living the life of (to take a real-life example) a transman just because of knowing a transman whom one admires. When it disappears, let it go, yes? It wasn't even you.

The thought that not everything that goes on in my mind is mine...that's something that it's probably difficult to put a finger on and not be labeled delusional, but if the image is forming and there is evidence for it, sometimes the delusion would be to deny the possibility at all costs.

And knowing that my nature is to change and not stay the same -- it can lead to some interesting fun (like the other day when I was experimenting with shaping myself as a dragon), as long as one knows that the form one is taking on is not equivalent to the being one actually is.

So perhaps the task is finding who or what actually underlies the changing appearance (in this I include surface thoughts), and learning to tell this being apart from everything else which is temporary and overlays I. To do that, I'd have to take ownership of my life; do what I want to do, dress how I want to, be who I am. Forget everyone else's wishes. Stop living for others. This is my life.

Do people normally have strong and lasting identities? Is the above how people find theirs?
2011-07-04 8:31
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