just some self musings

Because I am self-centred, I shall now ramble about myself. Warning: my thoughts tend to be disjointed and I have trouble finding the right words.
I remember back when I first found out I was not the only one and I started trying to figure out who and what I was and what my history was. I made so many mistakes. I am ashamed of how stupid I was then. Now, I don't really care. Well, it's not that I don't care. I just don't care enough to search out answers. Especially considering how badly I messed up from before.
I do wonder if I'm insane. It's entirely possible. I used to be so terrified of that possibility that the terror itself made me crazy. Now, I really can't bring myself to care. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Or just a thing.
I wonder if maybe I just think I'm otherkin as a side effect of being abused. I have felt this way before the abuse started, but who knows. In any case, it probably didn't help matters.
Forgive my lack of appropriate words here. I know that my "insides don't match my outsides." I am a monster "inside" and look perfectly normal "outside." That doesn't necessarily mean I'm otherkin though. What if I am not a supernatural monster currently living as a human? What if I am human monster instead? Humans can, after all be monstrous. Maybe I just want to look like one because, for some unknown reason that doesn't make any sense, I want to be recognized as a monster.
When I read things other otherkin say about themselves, I find that many claim to be something that looks relatively good. I sometimes wonder how many want to look monstrous like I do.
Please excuse the following sound of fluff. I am aware of what I sound like. I can't help that I feel this way and I like it too much to give it up. I wonder if I just think I'm powerful because I am obsessed with power. I wonder if what I feel as power is actually ambition. Then again, ambition is a form of power, so does it even matter? In any case, I can't use it for anything other than to make myself feel really really good and to drive myself to get more.
I wonder if the answers to any of these questions matter. It's not like I'd be sure of any answers I'd find anyway (if I were to find any which is unlikely).
Does any of this make sense?

Perhaps you're a 'monster' inside in a psychological otherkin sort of way and not a reincarnation/incarnation sort of way.

Yeah that's what I'm wondering. I do feel like I am supernatural monster and like I should look like one, but I wonder especially since a psychological explanation is scientifically more likely.
In any case, there has so far not been any proof that reincarnation/incarnation exists. Until there's proof, I will remain a skeptic of everyone including myself. That used to bug me, but I don't really care anymore.

I think you're just lost.

Quote:I made so many mistakes.

We all did and we all do. But mistakes is what makes us what we are today. When you give up then you just make the biggest mistake of all.

Quote:Now, I don't really care.

Then why did you write this? And why are you here in the first place? Because you care..

Quote:I wonder if maybe I just think I'm otherkin as a side effect of being abused.

You don't get abused because you're Otherkin nor you are Otherkin because you were abused.

What does being "monster" mean? Are you raping girls? Eating people's guts? Because I kind of do not believe in monsters.

Quote:I want to be recognized as a monster

Because you were abused and now it's your form of protection to keep the bad guys away from you?

Quote:I find that many claim to be something that looks relatively good

Now tell me, how many people are willing to explore their darkside? Not many of them really, most of them get scared because, they could end up raping someone.. (Which yeah, it's really likely.. /irony).

Quote:I am obsessed with power

Do you own a gun? Are you like really really really rich? Are you head of the mafia? Or can curse someone to die?

There's lot of people claiming how bad or monster-like they are but when you ask them to go to cemetery and dig up some dead body with you, they just look at you as if you were some kind of total freak and shit their pants so.. Who are you?

Shailla Wrote:You don't get abused because you're Otherkin nor you are Otherkin because you were abused.

Actually, some people do claim to have been mistreated, abused and humiliated due to identifying as otherkin. I think what Edge is trying to get out is just that he's confused and needs a place to get his thoughts out, which we encourage here. Being abused was something that happened to him and he is wondering if it's relevant to being otherkin. Some 'kin do actually believe they are otherkin as a result of some sort of abuse or physical trauma.

Shailla Wrote:What does being "monster" mean? Are you raping girls? Eating people's guts? Because I kind of do not believe in monsters...Because you were abused and now it's your form of protection to keep the bad guys away from you?

I think you need to take a minute Shailla because you're coming off as rude and overly aggressive here. Edge came here because he feels confused and us jumping all over his rambling thoughts isn't going to help anyone. We need to approach questions and claims here objectively, not with flat-out hostility, you know? Perhaps Edge can answer some of your questions, but I took them as being a bit out of line with regards to someone who openly stated that his post was going to be a ramble and disjointed.

Shailla Wrote:Do you own a gun? Are you like really really really rich? Are you head of the mafia? Or can curse someone to die?

I fail to see how any of these questions would help Edge with identity confusion with regards to being a 'monster'. I realize your questions could be in line with what some people would define a monster as, but there are other meanings for that label, particularly as it relates to being otherkin.

OKP is neutral ground so please respect all members and their right to post their thoughts here, thank you.

If Edge says that I was too aggressive I will gladly apologize.

Shailla Wrote:Elinox, Edge is supposed to deal with me, not you.
Also it's up to him to mine something good from what I wrote or not.
If he writes that I was too aggressive and hurt his feelings I will gladly apologize and never do it again to him. If it makes him think over all this again and come up with new ideas and solutions I will dance the dance of winner. But until then it's neither good or bad, it just is.

So please do not decide for him.

Replying via pm to you, but I also need to state this here. I was not responding for Edge, I was responding as an admin of this board. You need to be polite to all members, period. And if you'd like to argue about this or my admin determinations, you will be issued a warning.

Shailla Wrote:If Edge says that I was too aggressive I will gladly apologize.

Thank you for that Shailla, I appreciate the effort.

Hm... I haven't posted in a good while so I figure why not. Even though this was posted enough of a while ago that I likely wont get a reply back. This has caught my interest. A few questions.

Edge,
1. Do you feel evil?

2. Is there a mental or emotional disconnect with your current physical form?

3. Is it that you see yourself as something purely non human, or something that essentially is human but devoid of human characteristics?

4. Is your sense of possible otherkin self something that's purely mental/psychological or is it also physical.

5. Being that it seems you link power with being a monster.

A) Is power the primary reason that you choose to see yourself as a monster?
B)Do you have no choice but to see yourself as a monster- and happen to be powerful in that view?
C)Are you seeking this power because you once felt powerless?

I'd be interested in knowing the answer.

On another note, keep in mind that we all make mistakes. Mistakes are the things that help us to learn who we are and how we are. They are also learning experiences from which we gather information on what works for us and how to better navigate ourselves through life. To move forward towards a productive future.

Also, keep in mind that existence is perception, as is reality. Each person has their own perception and each has their own reality.

Certain perceptions do converge from time to time as they tend to do here, so that is at least a part of the discovery of oneself.

If, after a time, you find that your issue lies more with the problem of being human. -Such as the inability to connect with an inherent human-ness due to abuse by a fellow human-((note: which in some cases causes a disconnect and distortion of the perception of the internal self )) In that case I would suggest that the option of talk therapy or some other form of therapy be explored.

But I'll pause for now as this post is getting a bit long...

Shailla Wrote:

Quote:Now, I don't really care.

Then why did you write this?

I was actually referring to when I was trying to force answers which led to make making a lot of dumb mistakes. Now, I don't care about forcing answers. Sorry I wasn't clear about that.

Shailla Wrote:You don't get abused because you're Otherkin nor you are Otherkin because you were abused.

Actually, a symptom of being an abuse survivor is feeling fundamentally different, so it is a possibility that I consider. I also know that my history is directly linked to a lot of my personality.

You could call me a faerie if you prefer. You could call me whatever you like and believe in whatever you like. It's all the same to me.

Shailla Wrote:Because you were abused and now it's your form of protection to keep the bad guys away from you?

No because I am the bad guy.

The idea that wanting to look good means that they haven't explored their "dark side" implies that good-looking is the same as being good and being ugly is the same as being darker. This isn't the case at all.

Shailla Wrote:Do you own a gun? Are you like really really really rich? Are you head of the mafia? Or can curse someone to die?

True, at least three of those are forms of power. However, one doesn't necessarily need to have them to be obsessed with it.

Shailla Wrote:There's lot of people claiming how bad or monster-like they are but when you ask them to go to cemetery and dig up some dead body with you, they just look at you as if you were some kind of total freak and shit their pants so.. Who are you?

Why would I dig up a dead body when I can just wait a few years and dissect brains for a living, get paid for it, and have the education to know what I'm looking at? Being a monster doesn't mean being an idiot and taking unnecessary risks.
Yes, there are a lot of people claiming to be villains who aren't and I don't blame you for assuming I'm one of them. If I wasn't me, I would too.