instability, I guess...
To get one thing out of the way, first: I'm noticing ...inconsistencies in my own stories, which collectively are causing me to question the entire "otherkin" thing (or, at least, being otherkin aside from being effectually unstable over time, as a defining quality). I know that part of this is due to a lack of awareness on my part, where, for example, I might be talking about one concept at the beginning of an entry, and by the end of the entry I'm so far down a train of thought, and have experienced so much distracting tangential thought, that the earlier portion is no longer valid -- in effect, I've forgotten I've written it. Even though I re-read it in the process of writing, I've forgotten its underlying concepts -- even though those concepts have been fundamental to the arising of later ideas. (I suppose the process is the evolution of thought...)
It's like the entire thing with "Birdy". I initially connect a spirit contact with one thing (obtaining an orb) and then later forget I've written the earlier post. In the earlier post(s?), I was seeing "Birdy" as an outside spirit who was connected with the orb I obtained; but later I was trying to figure out if Birdy was a familiar spirit who just was very similar to Gryph; or whether Birdy was always here but quiet, and the orb just helped awaken him to my awareness; or whether this was just a study in "reversed" (for humans) but natural gender roles; etc.
I mentioned before I got sick this last time, that I had noticed myself shifting between sets of different fronters. I noted down what I meant, offline -- and it's a good thing I did, or I would have entirely forgotten what I meant by the comment. The three -- or four -- sets I've been shifting between, in chronological order, are:
-- Birdy/Mist(Inner Core)
-- Self (singlet) with energetic sensitivity: Shang, Bell, Birdy, Snakey being the primary other spirits; Gryph read (presently, but we're questioning this now) as Self, Adrian as exaggeration of part of Self.
All these forms are chronologically descended from the system I had conceptualized prior to November 2010 (which had more than four members), which in itself is a revamp of...other ways of conceptualizing the same phenomenon. Of course it should be stated that November 2010 was about the time I went offline as regards LJ, thus the time I broke off reading LJ-multiplicity, and put more effort into non-computer-related life...which I suppose I don't have to go into again, here.
Mist is the newest...thing here. I say "thing" because I'm not sure "person" is accurate...it's a newer concept applied to looking at the "self." She made a post elsewhere, right before the last cold I had knocked me offline for about two weeks. I'm not entirely sure whether...what's going on here is all interconnected. I picked up the teal orb at the end of April, which gave me essentially a rainforest vision, seemingly out of nowhere. I picked up a fern sometime later, which I'm nursing back to health on my dresser now.
But the orb, the fern, the initial visions with the orb, and Mist -- are all related. In particular...the water thing. My fern can't live without water, and we went through a period of stress while we were sick watching it being starved of water, in the care of someone else...but were too weak to care for much other than our own body, and trusted too much the person who said they knew what was best for it. (I'm still somewhat angry over this...but I've brought plants back from the brink of death before. It will just take TIME.) Rainforests can't exist without an abundance of water. Mist is water. Water feeds things.
Right now I'm not essentially trying to slot myself as an energy being here, because what I'm trying to get at is...well, we can say that I don't necessarily know, entirely, what an energy being is, conceptually.
Intuitively, something just came up saying, "but it is as though water is the spirit of the forest." Mist is the distribution of water (in air...), the atomization of it, which becomes many things and is breathed out again. In essence, it's potential. "It's the currency of life"? Don't entirely know where that came from...
My own psyche is fairly strongly connected with the element; in this I'm referring to my power visualization and my depth visualization...which I suppose I can save for another time, unless someone really wants to know.
What I find interesting as well...somewhere in the recesses of my mind I'm connecting the idea of "venom" with "water." Only...it isn't "good water," as my first plant might indicate. (Speaking of which, I should check on that one and see if I need to revoke it from its present caretaker as well...) I'm not entirely certain exactly why this is...if I read it in a kanji book or what.
It's very possible that Gryph is also an outside spirit, in this case...an assist for strength. I note that it's possible that she's an outside spirit when above I said that she might have been my Self, because it's very common for me to perceive spirit helpers, temporarily, as myself. It happened with the snake totem, most recently. I'm to the point, as well, of having narrowed down the number of actual internally-based "influences" to only a few.
Back on-topic. It's possible that who (or what) I am is somehow connected with the concept of water, or mist...though at this point, the images (like having seen fog condensing on a tree at night), and the metaphor, are all I've got. Well, plus the inability to hold to one form for long...