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how we view ourselves, and mental well-being
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how we view ourselves, and mental well-being
It's basically a given that I've been away from this board for about a year, during which time the "otherkin" part of my identity had pretty much quieted down. But I look back at some of these posts, and I see that they still apply. Informationally, that is. As I mentioned elsewhere, I'm emotionally at a different point, even though the evidence remains the same. And given where I stand, emotionally, the way I would try to present myself today, differs.

I have fired off an email to the person who indirectly caused me to come back here. In it, I made no mention of the terms "soul-eater" or "demon" as I have in the past -- I don't think I was in a good emotional spot at the time I was presenting myself that way (not to pass judgment on anyone else). <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> What I've found is that the way we think about ourselves, very strongly affects our perception of the world and our place in it; along with our level of mental well-being. It also affects the people we attract to ourselves.

As I've aged and have been able to gradually move into a more "functional" space -- that is, I've been putting more energy into staying alive and healthy (which is *not easy!*) than into philosophical and religious matters -- I've found that the negative self-valuation I once had which, in part, caused me to be attracted to the ideas of demons and darkness, isn't as strong. That doesn't mean that the thoughts are all the way gone; but I have been able to give a rest to, especially, the "demon" ideas that I used to have, which were based in a Western religious context. And I actually think that's helped, a great deal.

This is in addition to having taken on a role in my society where I'm actually normally respected as competent, and as a good person (as versus having been berated because of my gender presentation and supposed sexual orientation for a good stretch of my formative years...but that's growing up as different).

So what I'm left with is a lack of easy categorization. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I don't think, at this point, that what I'm dealing with is being a living embodiment of chaos theory. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> It would make sense to call myself human with a human walk-in, however...I don't know entirely that Bell was human. As, what differentiates a "human" spirit from a nonhuman one, given a lack of a body, and the obvious presence of intelligence? And given that the sense of him that I lived with for a long time, was a being who would follow me and try to support me, to live with and through me, rather than a being who did not know what he was doing?

That is, am I otherkin for having the capability to merge with the spirits of others, and because I merged with Bell -- who was incorporeal, thus, not human -- I now am made up partially of him, and this means that I'm no longer entirely human? Or, did I just absorb the projection of my own masculinity, and as such I'm human; but just more entire than most humans? Does it matter?

I'm cutting out a section here on my and Bell's relationship, because as much as I'd like to talk about it, it's unwise to do so (as the Internet is Forever). I've had to depart from standard mores to cast my own experience in a positive light, but the positive light that I have cast it in, brings up beneficial feelings instead of destructive ones, when I have to think about this. Essentially I have to deal with concepts like love and trust, as versus paranoia and fear. And it's very, very easy to slip into the latter two categories, given that I don't know everything that was going on when I had to deal with this in real-time. And, given that when I *did* have to deal with this in real-time, I was subject to a lot of outside stimulus which would make anyone paranoid.

That brings me to the concept of what is given, as versus what is unknown. I know my experiences. I do not know all sides of the story behind them.

Hence there are personal "givens" (which are really immaterial to most other people; I'm avoiding using the term "fact" here for a reason), and there are interpretations of what is given: that is, trying to fill in the story behind what is given, to create an entire image. I've found that trying to interpret things; especially things no one else, but others who may not actually exist, have experienced; based on partial information; when I'm prone to depression and inaccurate thinking anyway; is not such a great thing to do. Because it could all be in my head, and I already know that I can drive myself crazy, trying to connect partial bits of information in a way that makes sense; and I know that I'm frequently wrong when I do this with real-world information.

So what I've been trying to do is wait it out, until I get more relevant information. My best guess is that Bell found a way to continue to exist without going through the normal methods of rebirth. My second best guess is that he's one of my past lives that I've externalized; which of course would make sense at this point, since, post-merger (given that the merger was real), he now *is* one of my past lives. But past life doesn't necessarily determine future life, and what I *think* isn't necessarily what is *real*. I've gotten to the point where I know that what is *real* may be beyond my capacity as human to understand. I also know that, being human, I want to understand it, because what you understand, you're closer to controlling, and people have this thing about wanting to control things. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

But I just wanted to let people know that ultimately only they control their own explanations of reality, and that those explanations -- of "who am I and what is my place in the world" -- can very intimately color the way we see the world; how hostile the world feels to us, among other things. There are a lot of things that happen to us that we don't understand, but that doesn't mean that the least desirable explanation of those experiences, is by default, the most true one.
2012-07-16 1:55
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