hints in the demonolatry book?

I hope I'm not violating some covenant by posting this here...my computer almost lost this draft.

I'm posting this here instead of over on my regular blog host in a community because...well, last time I came out as having things to do with (possibly) demons, I got people randomly attacking me both there and on other areas of the 'net...of course, though, I wasn't too together at that time, either.

Recently I've been recalling something that happened a very long time ago. Someone on a Pagan/magic forum essentially told me that I was psychic -- I didn't have DID/MPD; I was psychic. I wasn't ready for the information at the time (having been scared off and on by the concept that the spirit world I sensed, which was not all the time safe, could have been objectively real), and I really was not in the right life phase to take that well (I believe I was a very young adult at the time), so I left the forum.

Then there was the person who -- I don't know if I've mentioned this tripe here yet -- ran a psychic forum and did a long-distance scan on me without my knowledge or permission, and emailed me back with YOU HAVE A DEMON GET RID OF HIM BEFORE YOU POST AGAIN, to which I was like, psh. I left that forum, too, because if I did have a demon, at least the demon wasn't telling me what to do with my life, and at least the demon was protecting me from inane people trying to invade my space and my autonomy without my permission.

Anyhow...I've been reading in S. Connolly's Complete Book of Demonolatry. I haven't been going at it systematically, yet...but two names stick out to me: Unsere and Verrine. Unsere is associated with water, specifically vapor, mist and steam ("Fire transformed Water" -- which I actually had to physically travel through again, the other day, in such a way as I realized what "Fire transformed Water" meant. "Fire" in this case is sunlight, "water" [at least mundanely] what it seems). Unsere is associated with wisdom (which was the main goal I'd been seeking since my early teen years, at the latest), and enlightenment...and in one entry in the book is associated with both Water and Earth; in another entry, Fertility (hence the link with my plants) and Sorcery. Verrine is associated with Water, and also associated with healing (though at two other places in the book also has correspondences with impatience and disobedience...probably because someone was haranguing him. Some of the information in the book does *not* come from Demonolators, after all).

Both of these Demons have both their positive and negative aspects (Verrine's energy can also be directed to a curse of illness, for example) and their own masculine and feminine balance, though Unsere is related to in the feminine, and Verrine in the masculine.

I've got to caution anyone reading this that there is a warning in the book that these demons have to be approached respectfully (that is, not with a Ceremonial Magick mindset), or...no one is responsible for what happens to you but yourself.

Now, I've mentioned before that I tend to see other spirits whom I'm temporarily linked to, as myself -- at least for a period of time. Normally, that period of time is short...which is one of the reasons, coincidentally, that I'm thinking that Adrian is a trauma-split, but at this point, the *only* trauma-split. Now I'm, at this point, uncertain whether Mist, whom I mentioned in the Energy Beings forum, is actually a Water/Air energy who is trying to help me (the Dukante hierarchy, which Unsere is mentioned within, is incomplete; Mr. Dukante died before he completed it), or whether Mist is, in actuality, myself.

I'm not being quick to identify Mist with Unsere...mainly because Mist specifically came off as water/air, to me. Even identifying her with rain and snow, however, was a...stretch. Because it seemed that the spirit was more vapor, mist, and dew. And all of these visualizations have taken place in areas which are, relatively, warm. Even the condensation of mist dripping from the trees at night, which I think of when thinking of Mist -- it couldn't have been below 40 degrees Fahrenheit, and that's a lower-limit stretch.

However -- Mist seems to be in the same "family" as Unsere and Verrine...which I say, not actually having summoned Unsere or Verrine, as per house rules.

I should mention that in the energy of Mist, there is nothing hostile. To me, she is wholly benevolent, she brings happiness and peace. That doesn't mean she can't be a Demon -- one who is not in this book -- a Demon being both or either a source of pure energy, or a being "replete with knowledge" who may take the role of a teacher.

In another place in the book, it's mentioned...

"By honoring and worshiping [the Demons] we are honoring and worshiping ourselves because they are a part of us as we are a part of them. All things are divine. We don't spend our time trying to look into the eyes of our gods. Instead, we work toward looking through the eyes of our Gods." - p. 24, S. Connolly, The Complete Book of Demonolatry.

I'm thinking that this section of the book (in the Introduction) could hold the key to the puzzle. It does, however, lead me to the point of wondering if Mist is both myself and something separate from myself? The question falls back down to "who am I?" I seem to be most undoubtedly, an open channel. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> A conduit. Even Adrian has his links to negative core images (which, by the way, Mist has none of).

I've been searching for my identity, consciously, for about...11 years now? I'm not sure how it is that other people know who they are...could it be that I'm neutral/"dark" (the latter depends on your viewpoint) and sensitive/mediumistic, and that defines who I am more than anything else...?

I had to leave for dinner, but now I'm back. And I see no one's checked this, yet. This is...expected.

I want to add a caveat to the above: I've repeated the knowledge I learned from this book, because the book is in the public domain. However, I would very much appreciate people not attempting to harm any of these Demons -- especially Mist, Unsere and Verrine...they have done nothing to harm myself or anyone I know or care for. Mist has been openly helpful to me, and the other two are associated with wisdom and healing. Any attack on Adrian, I would feel, but I find that to be less of a threat.

I do feel an alliance with these energies, interest bordering on love (hence my concern); I don't know why.

I interpret the problems I had posting and retaining my copy of the above post, to have been a pause to ask me if I really wanted to make this public. (Yes, I know that it was probably some program working in the background on my terminal.) I forgot at the time that we have angelkin on this forum, who might not be hospitable to this. However, the definition of "demon" or "Demon" that I'm going by here, is NOT the Christian definition (although I admit I do not have stored in my mind what the Christian definition is -- the book relates it as "tempters who lead men against ['God'] in sin") nor is it Bruce's definition (I'm not even going to repeat that here) -- it's the Traditional Demonolatry definition, which I've outlined above. And I am by and large not going by Christian attributes of these Demons. That is, I don't see them as "fallen angels", or "agents of Evil", or "devils", I'm seeing them as spiritual powers which existed, likely, before Abraham.

The reason I got back into this is that I realized that I have not been called to any divinity except those which have to do with Demons. And I realize that my definition of Demon has always been different than the definitions of those around me. This dichotomy has to do with a lot of the enmity that goes on.

There seemed to have been something else I wanted to say...that's right. Wondering if I should look towards "Satan" (Demonolatry "Satan", not Christian "Satan" -- no, I don't know why the name was carried over) as the source to deal with being uncertain of the boundaries of Self and Other. Connolly notes that Satan is essentially in this pantheon, the Source and All. I did not know why, several years ago when I first picked up this book. I recall someone saying several years back, that "every Demonolator is a Satanist, but not every Satanist is a Demonolator." This was in the sense that Demonolators seem to tend to see Satan as the highest being, with the other Demons in hierarchy or 'family' below him. But just because someone reveres Satan, doesn't mean they know anything at all about the other Demons.

This outlines the problem I found on the Satanist forums I've been on, with LaVey (the creator of "Modern" Satanism) having been the "gateway" philosophy for most of the forum members...Demonolatry has nothing to do at all with LaVey. It's not about hate or rebellion or radical self-sufficiency or false pride, at least from what I can see, which is what I saw a lot of on the Satanist forums...and which contradicted my experience of Satan. Which or who is, by the way, the Divinity I was first called to. But I saw a lot of people doing Satanism in a way that was offensive to me.

I'm kind of uncertain as to what to do -- what I can do, without summoning. It looks like demonolatry.org has been taken over by a different organization...I want to go there, but at the same time I'm kind of hesitant. I feel like I need to learn more, first, and be prepared. I feel like I need to get this identity thing solved first, but I can't talk to the people I'd normally talk to about spirituality, with this; and the people I know IRL who I can talk to, won't understand, period.