genderqueer? probably. queer? probably. trans*? I dunno.

I'm not sure if the forum policies have changed given recent world events relating to non-heterosexuality, however, I guess I'll just talk about this. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

I've heard that the term "queer" is still used as pejorative in other parts of the world (particularly the U.K.), but I'm using it in the U.S. reclaimed sense here, particularly since there seems to be a thriving queer community where I'm at (though I've just recently been reintroduced to it), and because there really is no synonym which really expresses what "queer" culture has become in the 21st c. U.S., particularly given the inclusivity of the term. The term "genderqueer" relates to someone who "queers" gender (instead of being just not-heterosexual), and this gets into all kinds of great areas, of which androgyny is only the most easily recognizable one.

So I have been a couple of places recently...well, three to be exact. At one of them I ran across someone who I'm pretty sure was otherkin, though I didn't stick around to display my own colors, as it were. Then there was a different group I was in where I felt a bit uncomfortable, as it was completely new and also outright queer space, and I'm used to genderqueer and trans spaces. But they were very good at being sensitive to the fact that one's body and outward appearance doesn't determine one's identity. I may have met a future friend there. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> And then there was today, where I ran across this beautiful person at work whose gender I really couldn't guess at, but they were so awesome (!) that I had to work up nerve to introduce myself to them. I didn't shake their hand because my hands were dirty! >_< but at least I learned their name. <3 I hope I came off as adorably shy instead of just creep-o. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

I've realized that, since I don't plan on physically transitioning from female to male, being in a space where basically everyone else is physically transitioning may not be the place where my needs are best served. I now know one place I can go to meet people which is outside of my old community hangout, and that should be fairly awesome. And then there is the old hangout, and maybe, maybe (!) work. I haven't really been around to meet people who are older and of a gender I am attracted to and queer...but I mean dude, I...was really attracted to this person! I may start working Saturdays normally, just in hopes of running across them again! ^_^

*sighs* I didn't know until recently, either, how much of my sexual identity was based around not wanting to get pregnant. I mean, female people are safe, you know; you aren't going to get a baby in you from someone who doesn't have the equipment to really *do that*. But since I've started birth control, I've noticed that my walls are coming down as regards being freaked out about theoretical unintentional children. This is to the point that I can now actually seriously consider being with a fertile male, and consider having children (when it is my choice and not someone else's). But given what's happened, I think I may still prefer female people -- at least I know they already may be educated on key points of gender identity and presentation. I'm not sure, but the person I met today was blurring gender so much that they were coming off as masculine/female as versus me, where I was more androgynous/female (and glad I have not altered my body!). m^_^m They really reminded me of the first guy I fell in love at, who was a transgender man...particularly with the eye contact.

*muffled squees* *rolls around* (I know this person is not him, you know, but really.really.cute.)

OK, OK I should stop. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> And now I watch as Eli and Sera read this and no one else XD (yes I know I shouldn't bet on that...) <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> *runs in circles*

One down for reading it <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> If getting pregnant is what gives you the heebies, have you considered removing your ovaries or uterus? Would that help? If you don't want to transition, I wouldn't remove both for hormone considerations.

Seraphyna Wrote:One down for reading it <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> If getting pregnant is what gives you the heebies, have you considered removing your ovaries or uterus? Would that help? If you don't want to transition, I wouldn't remove both for hormone considerations.

I have considered it, but it's an option that I think I don't want to take for now. With a hysterectomy, there is the risk of lifelong urinary incontinence because of internal organs falling forward onto one's bladder without the uterus there to stop them. There is also the risk of intestinal adhesions -- if the intestines are touched at all during the procedure, they can adhere to the inside of one's body cavity after they heal, and then they can twist themselves up because of those adhesions and cause intestinal blockage.

I've also thought recently about having my own children, which is something that I had not considered at all prior to this year. I think that I had to be in total control of my own fertility before I could think about what *I* wanted to do with it (as versus it just being a physical vulnerability and something that other people wanted to use, whether I wanted to use it or not).

If I did undergo long-term sterilization, I think probably either an IUD (intrauterine device) or getting my tubes tied (or blocked) would be best. As it is now, I'm on small amounts of hormones which regulate my own hormonal cycles. We don't know why, exactly, but my testosterone level started out high at my initial screening (which had to be done by request; it wasn't part of a usual panel) and has gotten higher as time has gone on, leading to some physical virilization (like coarse facial hair, acne, masculine-type body fat distribution, irregular periods, hairline recession, prolific body hair, etc). Last time I was screened, my testosterone levels were outside the boundary of "normal" for a female, but still way below "normal" for a male.

I kind of wonder if my body was listening to me when I told it I wanted to be (or was, in a significant way) male... <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> Or maybe I have some kind of syndrome that no one knows about yet. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> (I am, however, glad that I broke up with someone who I'm only now realizing saw me as lesbian and wanted me to be lesbian for her -- which is probably why she had an issue with my body hair [it wasn't "feminine" enough].)

The hormonal birth control acts to regulate my own hormonal cycles, and so while I still have to, say, shave my face every 1-2 days (facial and body hair growth is not stopped by female hormone administration), my cycles are regular now and my skin's clarity has gotten tons better -- so I don't have to be as diligent about scrubbing and treating twice a day, every day. My figure is also becoming more "hourglass", too...which I suppose could be both a positive and a negative (positive because I feel like it's more attractive to myself, negative because I don't necessarily want to attract people who freak me out). <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt=":(" title="Sad" /><!-- s --> Basically, I think that even if I did get my tubes tied or blocked, I'd still need to be on hormonal birth control to regulate my cycles and stop the virilization (which will continue so long as I have any testosterone in my system; changes from testosterone are cumulative. So, for example, unless I get electrolysis or laser hair removal, the amount of hair on my face and body is never going to reduce, by itself).

The alternative to blocking the fallopian tubes and then using oral hormonal regulation is a Mirena IUD, which is basically hormonal birth control plus an IUD...which I'm not too hot on getting installed. It does block periods for 5 years, or however long it's supposed to be in there. But even going to the OB/GYN for routine screenings is painful for me...so I'm not jumping at the opportunity. It would be different if they numbed the area or something, but they don't. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt=":(" title="Sad" /><!-- s -->