channeling and the connection to creativity

I'm not really sure whether to put this here or in the "Expressions" subforum. I'm placing it here for now, because it isn't a finished work; it has to do with process, and that process has to do with Channeling.

In any case, I don't consider what I do "supernatural." It's just something I do. Or, have done. I mean, in my world, anything actually possible is not really "supernatural," but simply a part of the natural which isn't understood or acknowledged.

Just as a refresher: I majored in English: Creative Writing about a decade ago, at University. This was during an acute and initial phase of the mental illness I've experienced. I just majored in Creative Writing because writing was the only constant in my life at the time. Right now I'm enrolled in Art classes, and I'm practicing Writing like my Art teacher wants us to practice Art; I just don't feel right going for a long time without writing. But -- I don't feel that Art is really a direction I want to go in, as a profession, at this point. So I'm looking at practicing my writing skills again, and getting a job somehow as a writer.

I'd been told by my professors that jobs in Creative Writing basically don't exist, so I didn't bother to look for any at the point of graduation. I was very ill, besides. But since then, because my life (and psyche) was so screwed up at the time, I've been hesitant to get back into writing fiction; I connect the illness with the fiction. After graduating, I got to a point where I realized that for the first time in my life, I had some measure of peace; and didn't want to continue to mess that up by emotionally inhabiting a fictitious world where things are constantly dramatic and not-at-equilibrium. I had some sense as well that I could have been screwing up my own life to gain experience to use in my stories.

In any case...I kind of forget what year it was that I first entered the Otherkin community (at that time as a demon -- back when it was not cool to be a demon), so I'm not certain how many of you have heard about this. When I was writing, I would often either slip into the persona of the narrator, or have the narrator tell his (at the time they were almost all "he's") story to me. In the years since, I've developed a much more coherent sense of self -- primarily within the last 4 years. However, this has come at the cost of silencing the other "voices" (I don't literally hear them; but I might become them). I'm not sure how to let the other voices in without losing myself.

Particularly now, I have a much better sense of self-esteem, and so it's hard to think of mind-f***ing my readers. The "demon" part of myself has been recognized as what it is -- a tester of boundaries, limits, and ordered systems. Not evil, but not "good," either. He has his place...and I've started to "hear" more positive and clear voices (like Mist, mentioned below) which have begun to clarify who I am and who the other voices are. So for the first time I'm really coming to some kind of understanding as to why I've identified as a demon, what the term "demon" meant to me, and why identifying as that can give the more destructive parts of myself more power over my psyche, and in turn, over me.

I'm thinking that maybe I should take this as a type of role-play; I'm in a martial arts class right now where we have instructors who will attack us (again, testing our boundaries) with the goal in mind of teaching us how to defend ourselves and stand up to aggression. Maybe I could role-play my "demon" self? And/or the other characters? The term "demon" is very well packed full of information which could be seed material for a while. I've just stayed away from it out of concern that it could overwhelm me and cause my own self-image to morph to suit it.

But I suppose I know now that I'm not inherently evil, even if people whom Mist calls "evil" call me evil in turn. I suppose as well though that this could be something I need to work through, and I might be able to do it through my writing. It will just be unpleasant, at times; I'd have to fight my own (actual) demons, like the ones who say right-wing extremists are actually the definition of "good" because they say they are. But that's fairly simple; the deeper issues have to do with sexuality and gender and being "othered," and reclaiming the self as the centrality (rather than the periphery) of being.

Yeah...I have a lot of stuff to write about. But I am a little scared to do it. Does anyone here know how to maintain and keep knowledge of who one is, at the same time as one is writing from the experience of one or more characters who are very strong in one's psyche? I do see, in some sense, my characters being their own "beings" and existing outside of the roleplay of the story. They just visit me to help. At this point, I have quite a record of being a transmasculine femme person, even though I was thinking of it as "gender fluid" for a while (until I found I settled on a spot). I mention this because I think the "gender fluid" label helped while I was constantly being influenced by spirits who weren't actually me. Then they backed off.

I'm also guessing that writing could open an opportunity for me to be emotionally healed by some of my other spirits, as well...

Writing is awesome! And I was in the same boat as you in college in that it took me until my senior year for someone (my Creative Writing professor, actually) to tell me that being a fiction writer is just about impossible. <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> I majored in English anyway and now I write as part of my job, although it's not fiction.

I wish I'd written every little thing down when I was first discovering my 'kin identity. It would make it a hell of a lot easier to go back now and pick things apart and to see the differences between RP characters, events that happened, 'memories', experiences, etc. Just for tracking purposes.

So my advice is WRITE ALL THE THINGS! You should obviously then go back through everything with a fine-toothed comb, but then you'd at least have everything. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

Hi Eli!

My time online is going to be sporadic and somewhat limited for the next week, just to let you know that I might not immediately respond and why (this is on top of my hesitance to write back immediately, which is just a skill I've learned from saying too many off-the-cuff things -- sometimes a necessity if you're psychically sensitive and have mischief-makers hanging around). I have a big portfolio due in Drawing class next Tuesday, and I'm resistant to doing it (even though I did work on it today for most of my waking hours). I'm just trying to take care of myself (writing is part of this) and work through the resistance -- in particular, sleep enough and eat enough of the right things, and try and do what I can. I actually didn't go to either class today because after waking at 5:40 I found my first class unexpectedly cancelled and myself with nothing to do for an hour and a half (even the library wasn't open yet, and I didn't have my drawings to work on), so I came home instead of waiting (I couldn't really do much other than buy things and hang out in the atrium, and my time is more valuable than that).

I think a large part of my resistance to doing this work has to do with being pushed out of my comfort zone and into personal storytelling which, while authentic to me, opens me to judgment or isolation by my peers -- the same dilemma that plagued me in Creative Writing. I'm not a Meg Cabot. (Disclaimer: I have never read one of her books. I just shelve them.) I don't think this will be a really big deal, as I've broached the topic of mental illness within that class before, and I'm not the only one to have gone through it. I also have gotten the clue that I may not be the only one with otherkin experience there.

I just think that the drawings I'm doing are bringing up some old issues -- such as the difference between working with my brain before medications as versus after. If Archer were to be still around, I'd think she could relate. Things are much more rational now. Clean, crisp, industrial; rather than organic and slippery and loose. I'm more in control of my life, and having some good insights which were foggy -- or just disconnected -- before I began this third medication, but at the same time the "mess"...isn't really a mess anymore, and I feel like some of my creativity is hampered. But this has applied both in Writing and Art.

Back when I was obviously ill, I was driven -- largely because I had things to communicate which I felt I couldn't communicate -- and it was easier just to break free and paint, or type out a quick sketch, you know? And now I'm depending on reference photos and perspective theory and the like -- at least with the Drawing. And now I can communicate, at least reasonably well, and being able to do so removes some of the desperation and isolation from the act of making. Which is great for me; possibly good for my art because it doesn't scream "tortured" anymore, but still, I haven't been practicing as much as I should.

The acts of expression are still doable, but the reality aspect is stronger and I feel less able to improvise, because I know I can't help but be somehow inaccurate (which...leads into Surrealism, I'm guessing, with making things intentionally inaccurate). Then there is also hiding or or downplaying some aspects while emphasizing others, which all goes into the creation of meaning, or the manipulation that takes reality and turns it into metaphor. That never used to concern me -- it's a core belief of mine that we have not yet met truth, and no one is completely right all the time (even as much as I'm sure many of us would like to be). At the same time, though, I'm hearing other people tell me that my views are "objective" -- which is a state which I would still likely say is impossible to attain from within incarnation -- but at the same time I can see myself as being much closer to objective than any state I've been in before.

I did bring up the "cyborg" thing here a long time ago, didn't I? That instead of grafting machines onto human bodies, what we are (largely) doing is altering them through medications and drugs which affect them in certain ways. In my case I'm not really cybernetic (unless you count my interface with computers and the Web <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->), but I do feel...somewhat more rational, objective, "industrial," mechanized. Something synthetic is affecting the way I think, in a measured, controlled, and constant way. I'm not anti-psychiatry, because without psychiatry I'd in all likelihood be much more of a mess than I am now, if I were even still around. But medications are double-edged -- not to be used unless really called for -- and the doctors don't necessarily know what effect a specific drug will have on a specific patient. They also don't usually know the intricacies of the experience of taking that drug, because they never did it themselves and/or the drug won't affect them.

I couldn't cope with my life, before. Now I can cope, at least much more effectively; but I find myself both materially and psychologically affected, and it's kind of difficult to handle the loss of my old way of being. I don't cry over it, though the old "me" would; and I'm very glad I don't have to deal with many of the effects of illness that I did. It's just that this state I'm in is not entirely preferable to my natural state. There are things which came with ease to me before which are now difficult -- or maybe it's just that I'm in advanced practice of them, so they're no longer "play."

In essence it's like I'm dealing in the same life, with a different brain, which has different aptitudes; and I don't have the option of re-living my childhood to see what it's good at. I know what it used to be good at. Then it kind of broke down and was salvaged and treated, and now it's different, and I'm still pursuing the same goals built up over the 20 years before I knew that minds could change -- not just in opinion but in process and functionality -- or that mine ever would. Right now I'm trying to see if I can regain some of the functionality I had before medications -- sort of a rewiring process. If that doesn't work, I should really get on trying to be healthier so that I don't need as much medication, and then I can see where I stand with my writing and art.

I'm not sure...maybe what I'm experiencing is some form of growth, and that's why it's this uncomfortable. Maybe I should start some form of cybernetic-organism series or something.

Elinox Wrote:I majored in English anyway and now I write as part of my job, although it's not fiction.

What kind of things do you write? I briefly thought about Technical Writing, before I realized it was probably too dry for me. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Elinox Wrote:So my advice is WRITE ALL THE THINGS! You should obviously then go back through everything with a fine-toothed comb, but then you'd at least have everything. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

This made me giggle when I read it. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->

I do try and keep up a writing practice, though most of it is just me chronicling what I'm doing -- or wanting/trying to do -- because I think things out best in text. I suppose that I am also learning how to think things out visually as well, though. Certainly, the medication issue is more easily communicated visually than verbally.

The drawings I'm working on are pushing me to work through some of the reasons why I'm even taking classes, and what got me to this point. This, in turn, is showing me that maybe I shouldn't be in classes anymore -- or, that maybe I don't need them anymore; that my time could be better used outside of the format of academia. I have one class in mind for Spring: that is Beginning Watercolor, and that is only within the community-college format because it's cheaper and more long-term than my local Art Center. I'd just have to take it Pass/No Pass, if I don't want my GPA affected. I suppose that might affect me if I did go on to an MFA, but I'm thinking that's unlikely, at the moment. I've also been advised to take Beginning Figure Drawing before I advance too far in the Drawing series (this would also clear me for an Animation certificate), but thinking about carting those materials plus Watercolor materials back and forth is a bit of a stretch.

What I need to do, if I want to be hired as a writer, is work on my portfolio; and I don't have a lot of time to do that while I'm blogging and drawing and preparing PowerPoint presentations and taking martial arts classes and researching career paths and viewing job notices and working. The homework thing is an unnecessary stress -- though, to be real about it, one or two classes bombed will not hurt my GPA very much. I just hate letting my teachers down.

If you read this far, thank you for listening. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> It's now quite late where I am...and I've got work tomorrow. Ick. But it's only five hours, I guess. Still...ick. Hopefully, I won't have more than two hours on desk...

Chordal Wrote:

Elinox Wrote:I majored in English anyway and now I write as part of my job, although it's not fiction.

What kind of things do you write? I briefly thought about Technical Writing, before I realized it was probably too dry for me. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

I work for the government so letters, legislation, those sorts of things. I do find it dry, but at least I'm using my degree! <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

Okay, posting here because what I'm about to say kind of follows the thread path.

(hahaha beading reference)

I tried to write this out on one of my blogs and then realized it's too hesitant and nascent to expose to the open Web right now. I was leafing through a book on jobs in writing, then realized that if I wrote for a Young Adult audience, I'd have an excuse to read the books on gender and socialization in high school which I've heretofore skipped. I've been thinking that even though my existence may be too scandalous for me to be an incognito Children's Librarian (which I still don't want to do -- too much interaction), I could still write and/or illustrate books for kids and teens/young adults.

I have been told to write and illustrate one simple children's book, perhaps for gender-variant kids. Just to see if I like it. This is doable. It doesn't have to be anything complicated. And I don't have to actually publish it (scary!). Just see if I can do it and like doing it.

I thought of kids' and Young Adult books because I find much entertainment directed at adults to be...probably just at a level of intensity which would be hard for me to tolerate, as a writer and/or artist. If the point is to reduce the level of stimulation below confronting horrific-fate-worse-than-death and still write, I'm pretty sure I can find lots of good things to write about which don't include gratuitous sex, death and gore (which I generally severely dislike anyway -- they're usually used to hook and keep viewers, and to me it often looks like a cheap and obvious way to do so). There's so much of this in the media which I have been exposed to, that I've pretty much gotten turned off of entertainment as a whole. It's like "for adult audiences" is code for "someone dies," but it doesn't have to be like this.

In any case, if I'm going to be an illustrator, I'll need to work on my art skills. If I'm going to be a writer, in the sense of fiction, I should at least be reading to remind myself of how prose is written, if not trying to write myself. Luckily, I have access to a wide range of kids' books. Just gotta put up with the sticky.

Oh, the sticky.