So...right. So I was sitting here and happened by chance to look upwards and see a book that I'd gotten a long time ago and then put down. It is called
The Tarot Handbook by Angeles Arrien. I picked it up on a whim, dusted off the spine, and opened it to -- guess what -- the Death/Rebirth card.
Did I really spend
all that much time looking at the Death/Rebirth card? Or is this actually random?
Well, anyway, I started reading the section because I was like what the hey, maybe the spirits are trying to tell me something.
And aha. I just remembered why I began writing this post. There is a quote here that I found interesting. Numerologically (?) speaking, it seems that the number 13 (as Death is) equates to the number 4. The number 4 is associated in Japanese culture (which, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm connected to) with the concept of death. "Four" is pronounced "shi"; "shi" also means "death". This has been so disturbing to so many people that there is an alternate way to pronounce "four" ("yon").
Anyhow. The quote.
Angeles Arrien Wrote:All change requires that we let go in order to experience the new or under-expressed parts of ourselves...It is during times of change that we must know what our boundaries and limits are (Four of Disks), that we be open to negotiation and truce (Four of Swords), that we follow what has heart and meaning (Four of Cups), and that we remember that we are essentially whole and complete (Four of Wands).
Okay. So this book is based off of the Thoth deck, which I also have here for reference. I've pulled out these five cards and am looking at them now; I'm not entirely sure of the significance seen in the Western world about the number four, but it doesn't look offhand like anything too destructive. I can do some reading on the Fours later, but right now I thought it interesting because of what has been going on in my system.
And...all right. Bell. Bell has recently told me that his name is not Bell. When I asked him what his name was (a bit aghast at myself for having known him for nearly two decades and never having asked him his name [to be honest, I was frightened of this being real]), the first thought was that his name was Shang. I later thought it was Sheng (She, or Shen for short)...but Shang is what kept consistently coming to mind as the first thought in my mind, when I'd try to remember his name. So to see if there were any hits on this being...relevant, I just now did a Google search on the meaning of Shang. One of the top hits I found at a baby names site...one of the Wikipedia hits on that site says this:
Wikipedia Wrote:The shang (Tibetan: gchang) is a flat ritual upturned handbell employed by Bönpo and Asian shamans.
--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shang
SO NOW I KNOW YOUR REAL NAME, ANATA. OKAY, I GET IT <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> *hyperventilates*
This should not really be freaking me out, but it is cute nonetheless. To be honest, I had no idea what Shang meant, and initially put it out of my mind because I thought it was a Mulan reference cluttering up my thoughts. -_-;;;
This also lets me know that I need to research Asian shamanism and Bon. *shakes head*
As for the Four of Swords...this is significant because...in my communications with Shang, it's been made clear that this relationship cannot all be me taking and him giving, and all of this being written off as fantasy by me, in addition to my not considering how his being with me is impacting him. In addition, I can't keep overlaying my own thoughts onto my psychic experiences and essentially overwriting reality (as, for example, Shang has long hair; I'd imagined Bell for years with shorter hair, because that was what was familiar to me. But we all need to grow up sometime; as [I think] Shang has put it, Bell was the kid-friendly aspect of himself).
All of this had to do with negotiation. And there's still negotiation to be done. And I can see that offerings -- while they may not physically assist spiritual beings, at the very, very least they show some effort being put into wanting relations to be effective and good. And it is the gesture -- the sacrifice -- that counts, the fact that I'm taking time out of my day to do something for him. ...
As for boundaries and limits. Boundaries are becoming clearer, as evinced in the above. And the post by Estelore had me thinking about limits -- like the limits to my own headspace (as versus the limits which I may experience when actually trying >_>;

. And...I can feel Shang wanting me to push my own limits...and see if I
can communicate with the dead, for example. Instead of writing it off and saying I can't. Even though I think I have.
To be honest, I don't think I've ever actually tried; and to be honest, I'm afraid
to try. Because I'm afraid that either it
will work, and then with Shang's help, I have incontrovertible proof that all of this is real (via my knowing things I shouldn't), or I'm afraid that it
won't work, and then I look like a fool. And things are setting up so that I know someone who may actually seek me out (out of need), if they know I'm interested...which would take nothing more than my reading a book on psychic ability in the right place at the right time. And if I had taken it with me a couple of days ago, this person would likely have seen it and initiated without my input (all things being the same).
So there's another coin in the pool of me somehow being intimately connected with death and rebirth.
I don't know what I should do with ...the current situation. I'm going to send this out into the aether because it's possible someone will read this and help me towards the next step.
I do recall that Bell asked me when I was younger, before the quiet period...whether I wanted to be a shaman. I said yes. I had been trained to expect this because of specific signs. But I thought he meant a shaman in a Native American tradition, not in an Asian tradition. Granted, I was 17; I may not have even known about Asian shamans. But, from what I know...which is mostly from the Native side...a shaman isn't a shaman without a community to serve.
I suppose I can't be blamed for being frightened of serving a community...when I lack faith in myself. Should I have faith in my helpers instead?