are girls weird or guys uncomprehending?

imagine this situation: a nice, honest, gentle man is interested in a girl. he does everything for her - he invites her over for dinner and a dvd evening, he remembers her birthday and all the other things she told him, he really tries to be the best possible man for her - but in the end, she tells him that she really likes him as a friend, no more.

in the end, the girl will fall in love with some guy who doesn't seem to notice her, or care for her much, or who everyone else considers inappropriate. later on, she will whine about her relationship, about her bad guy (ex), and how she "only wants someone who is nice" - only to reject said nice guy again, preferably after having him care for her broken heart.

most guys will now say: "what a bitch! he's perfect, why doesn't she jump at the nice guy?!"

most girls will say: "i know this feeling" and/or "he just wasn't exciting enough".

as always, i'm trying to see it from the neutral point of view. despite being in this kind of situation myself.

a man can't do it right. you care for a girl, you do everything for her, she will say you're too nice and reject you. but. if you forget her birthday, come late for a date, prefer seeing the soccer match instead of her,... she'll complain what an ass you are.

on the other hand: should a girl be forced to be with someone because everyone else thinks he is perfect for her? should she not trust her feelings, her intuition, and, last but not least, her heart? relationships that start off half-heartedly rarely fix themselves. she actually spares the nice guy the pain of breaking up early.

what do you all think? have you experienced such a situation? how do/did you deal with it? any explanations, other than "girls are weird" or "men just don't grasp it"?

I think a more apt desctiption is Relationships are insane.
Nothing makes sense when it comes to matters of love or romance-type stuff.
Looking for logic there's just going to make your brain hurt (among other body-parts).

Being a woman (albeit your "non-tradiational" type) I can say this and mean it: woman are ridiculous and they don't make any sense. Most women I know, those who are the "norm" for society (into shopping, skinny, self-absorbed, etc.) probably do this simply because it's what they were trained to do. They do not stray from the norm because they prefer things "normal" to them. A man is supposed to ignore their feelings and watch soccer and drink beer, etc. <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> Steriotypes are stupid.

Anyway, if a woman thinks of you as a friend and nothing more, unfortuntately there's little that can change her mind, save for herself. And she can change her mind on a second's notice too! Unfortunately, I think a lot of people nowadays don't really know what's good for them and won't listen to sound advice from family/friends either. But people have to make their own mistakes I guess.

Perhaps this woman is going after this type of guy because it's what she's used to or what she has come to expect from "all" men or it's what she thinks she likes. I don't see any reason why said woman shouldn't at least give a relationship with the nice guy a chance. If she does, then she'll 1. try something different which can be exciting 2. be comfortable with the guy as they're already friends (this is very important for a successful relationship IMO!) and 3. she'll have a perfect gentleman who actually cares for her!

I read this and even being a woman I don't understand this female's thinking and it makes me shake my head and think 'why are most women so complicated?'

Personally I think this girl is not paying attention to all the wonderful signals the guy interested is showing. Has he actually asked her about a relationship? If so, has he tried to explain why he thinks her other ex boyfriend didn't work? Being honest might help this situation even though it's hard to be open with someone else about this stuff. I would try confronting this girl about why she won't date the nice guy. Maybe she has a valid reason?

And thankfully, I have not experienced anything like this. If I like someone, I will simply drum up enough courage to tell them. It saves time in the long run.

Men and women are simply wired differently and it takes communication to get both parties to understand things from the other's perspective. I think the gentleman should try talking to her again and trying to see why she may have rejected him. If her answers are still ridiculous (because you smell funny! etc.) then maybe the gentleman should try explaining things from his own perspective to get the girl to understand. He could also suggest a trial run just to see how it goes.

Please keep us posted!

lol, honestly kahoku, it's not girls that are weird but people in general. unfortunately you can't choose (within limits) who you fall in love with. i'm even stranger. if i dumped the nice guy it won't because he was nice, it would be because it was too much and he was needy or that he was perfect and i couldn't measure up (whether he was asking me too or not.) in all honesty the only thing you can do is be yourself and hope for the best.

Quote:Being a woman (albeit your "non-tradiational" type) I can say this and mean it: woman are ridiculous and they don't make any sense. Most women I know, those who are the "norm" for society (into shopping, skinny, self-absorbed, etc.) probably do this simply because it's what they were trained to do.

i agree with Elinox, i don't get girls. it's why i tend to like males better, i can follow what they really want. *sigh*

There is no logic behind any relationship. The nice guy will always finish last. Girls like guys who can stand up for themselves and a lot of nice guys can not do such things. Every "nice guy" I have known gets stepped on and pushed aside very quickly. I would rather a guy that seems like a jerk but is really a sweetheart.

I don't understand gender. A bit off topic, but I don't think there's really any difference among genders. It all really boils down to is personality. It has little to do with the "wiring" or how we work; if there's any pattern in gender, I would personally attribute it to people trying to fit into gender roles. I do wish I had my old psych book so I could back this up. But a good suggestion was made. Drop hints. Maybe not too complicated ones, hah. They don't always work, and it gets exasperating trying to get the other person to notice.

i'm aware that there are "nice girls and uncomprehending guys" too. i've just seen it happen this way a lot more often.

I don't understand girls very much. Personally, I'm the nice guy in this equation, but I actually put effort into not being too nice or perfect. Hell and heaven both know that I have enough faults to go around, me being an isolated and small-circled person, and if she was in the middle of an argument or something, I took care not to put my hand in it unless she was actually in danger. I got her presents, even if they were just a candy bar every now and then. I walked for twenty minutes through the snow daily so that I could learn the dance routine for her sweet sixteenth. And then she broke up with me for there not being enough conversation between us. (I need time to process things that real life doesn't give me)

But love is cruel. She was the only person that I got the guts to ask out in the first place. Other girls were nicer, other girls were prettier. But she shines to my eyes.

(Sappy story ends)

Shade Wrote:if there's any pattern in gender, I would personally attribute it to people trying to fit into gender roles.

qft

Any way.
If the girl just plain doesn't want him, and doesn't appreciate everything he does, then one of the questions I have is.... Why does the guy want her?
Is it the standard "always want what you can't have" thing?
Is it maybe so that the boy wants the "idea" of the girl, not the girl herself?
Or is there a lack of plain old honesty involved?

To be honest, I think most issues with relationships boil down to a lack of honesty, either with oneself or the other. ALL the most common questions on a sexually based forum I used to moderate started with the words "how do I tell...". People are so occupied with the ideas of "making him/her/it like me" that they forget that in that behaviour they fail to show the actual self. That they project the image of what they think they "should" be in order to be loved. So often people find that the person they fall in love with, disappears once they become married and/or living together or just plain old time reveals that the person behind the mask of "please like me" is not what you thought at all.

Truth and honesty and all that jazz, that's where a relationship is built to last.. not "nice guys" and "ideals of feminin behavior" or anything of that sort...

Freetha Wrote:

Shade Wrote:if there's any pattern in gender, I would personally attribute it to people trying to fit into gender roles.

qft

Any way.
If the girl just plain doesn't want him, and doesn't appreciate everything he does, then one of the questions I have is.... Why does the guy want her?
Is it the standard "always want what you can't have" thing?
Is it maybe so that the boy wants the "idea" of the girl, not the girl herself?
Or is there a lack of plain old honesty involved?

To be honest, I think most issues with relationships boil down to a lack of honesty, either with oneself or the other. ALL the most common questions on a sexually based forum I used to moderate started with the words "how do I tell...". People are so occupied with the ideas of "making him/her/it like me" that they forget that in that behaviour they fail to show the actual self. That they project the image of what they think they "should" be in order to be loved. So often people find that the person they fall in love with, disappears once they become married and/or living together or just plain old time reveals that the person behind the mask of "please like me" is not what you thought at all.

Truth and honesty and all that jazz, that's where a relationship is built to last.. not "nice guys" and "ideals of feminin behavior" or anything of that sort...

I'd just like to QFT this whole damned post. <!-- s:mrgreen: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt=":mrgreen:" title="Mr. Green" /><!-- s:mrgreen: -->