Huh. Read this, left to eat dinner, came back, and I'm still the only one to have looked at it? (from the time I began writing this, at least.) Forgive me if I'm a bit incoherent, I'm slightly lightheaded, achy, and am starting to get a headache...
This is pretty much the only otherkin-specific forum I'm on...though I have noticed the trend of, well, new people posting (myself included in that) and others, not so much. I've lightened up on the postings recently because I don't really want this to be "the Chordal forum." That is, I've noticed that I've been the main person writing anything here, for a while.
I had been posting at my blog, but recent events have caused me to think that it's not as safe there as I once thought it was. So...I've been reading, studying, writing in my own paper journals. There is really not much of a point to me putting my thoughts out online, and thus sacrificing security of personal information, if they aren't responded to...not to implicate you in that, because I have seen some activity on your end; but I feel perhaps I've alienated some people here and that's why it's quiet, or something. But then I tend to be a bit egocentric at times...it probably helps me feel I have more control over the situation than I do. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s

-->
I've gotten to the point where what's going on with me...spiritually speaking...it's quite interesting, and in fact much of my recent non-work life has been focused around trying to figure out what exactly is going on. (Plus, organizing -- remaking the outer world to fit the inner world.) I'm no longer entirely convinced that what's going on with me is (of necessity) wholly biological. However...it doesn't seem that backwards is the way to go. I did hit up the Demonolatry forum, but that coincided with a bunch of strangeness as regards my machine, so I may not be going back there again. Regardless -- they're only one source to learn from, and I have plenty to read.
Several months ago I must have mentioned something about there being another way to approach the illness issue, in my case, but that for it to be effective I had to believe it could be effective. In the meantime I've been approached by a couple of new presences..."energies" might be an apt description, because I tend to synch with them in harmony or concert...and that's not really a concept that comes across when talking about "people." The most recent one, you probably know, appeared to be a Water/Air elemental. But I note that I have a tendency to see whomever I'm synching with (in spirit) as myself...and also that I have a tendency to externalize parts of myself (as shown in my former identity as multiple).
What came across to me as evident, then -- is that Mist, the Water/Air elemental, seemed to represent myself. What was also evident is that my illness is one of the cognitive abilities and emotions: Air and Water (so far as I know, at least).
Once I got the Water hit, I went searching for more information on this, particularly recalling something I'd read in a book called
Aura Colors. I found a good amount of what was referred to in the "Crystal" aura type being representative of myself, but then went and finally filled out the questionnaire. (I've had this book for years.) What I found is that I have two aura colors which are healing types (one Physical, one Emotional) and one which is Visionary. I say all of that to get to the point (I'm sorry) of saying that this book implies that I could be a powerful healer if that is what I chose...that my physical health is due to being a conduit for Healing energy (Physical), and that due to my Crystal and Indigo traits, I should have the innate ability to heal myself -- the Crystal is an added attunement to Healing energy and the Indigo is an attunement to Intuition.
In addition...my early curiosity towards Satanism could have been out of rebellion, which is a trademark of my first aura color (Yellow). Many of my life difficulties have arisen because of my sensitivity to energies around me, and tendency to identify myself with them (Crystal [out of balance]), plus emotional fragility and tendency to fragment (Crystal). If I had regular physical exertion, this would help cycle my energies so they don't putrify (Yellow), and if I can see my body itself as energy (Indigo) and trust my intuition (Indigo), I may be able to go a strong way towards clearing up my symptoms, aside from medication.
This is a great assist to me -- I've come to know that the medications I'm on aren't effective forever. And even if they do work, there are side effects, some of them potentially stigmatizing, to contend with. So I'm treating the medications, now, as a temporary phase until I can get my act together enough, and until I can become educated enough, to heal myself. I'm not saying religion's going to heal me. I'm saying that what I'm experiencing could at root be an expression of my core self, or at least of two of my strong core attributes (Water/Air) thrown out of balance.
Which circles back around to the idea of having a "nonhuman" energy. Either I'm so totally nonhuman that I really don't understand at all what it means to have "human" energy, <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s

--> or I'm thinking that maybe energy...is not form-specific. I should state that I haven't continued on with the energy work at this point, though, as a caveat.
One of the major reasons that I have not tried to recover memories is that...well, there are several reasons:
1) Early on, Bell (one of the two) told me that in a spirit, there is no brain in which to store memories. Of course, caveat: this could have been a lie from Bell's copy, so I wouldn't seek memories s/he lacked.
2) I'm afraid of what I might find (or create).
3) Having experienced psychosis (a break between shared reality and internal reality), I know that things can seem very, very real, and not be.
4) Having been in the Satanist subculture, I've seen examples of the harm which false "recovered" memories can do.
5) Knowing multiples IRL, I've seen examples of the harm which false "recovered" memories can do.
Because of the framework I was working in at the time when I encountered Mist (Water/Air), this somewhat restricted my approach to thinking, "could I be one of these -- or like these -- Demons?" OFS, which school S. Connolly's book comes from, has a history of expressing antipathy towards humans who believe they're demons, spiritually speaking. Which, I know, I say over and over again. There is an old thread on the Demon subforum which records the phenomenon, from long before I came here. I'm still not entirely certain why this is, unless the sect believes that humans who think they have demon souls must be, in actuality, confused humans. Or that humans who claim to have demon souls want to be worshipped, or something.
Add to this that I do not get the sense that all of these Demons, as expressed in the book I have, are "dark." Some certainly have their dark sides, at least metaphorically speaking -- likely most, if not all, do. But we (if I may say "we",) certainly are not made of dark energy, just because Xianity and Islam like to paint themselves as light and the rest of the world as not. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> I'm actually seeing where the gold light in my visualizations might have come from...
Additionally...(I should go check on my laundry in a moment)...there is just the amount of peer pressure that there is to keep this under wraps. Sometimes the term "energy" may be acceptable to someone, while the term "demon" is not, and even though one may mean them to speak the same thing, the terms don't read the same way to others outside one's body. I'm certain that to spirits, the intended meaning comes across, not the etymology and cultural connotation of the term. This would be why I generally find good and helpful spirits when looking at Demons, and not innately harmful and malicious ones.
But AM I ON A TANGENT...? Ugh. Sorry.
I began writing this to say that it is the case that what is going on with me is a big part of my life. I've just not been particularly inclined to share it with the world, recently. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> And...I'm not particularly inclined to call it "otherkin" anymore, either. It's gone to a level where it is the nature of
me...not my species (though I do still find birds to be beautiful beyond all reason), and not so much where I fit in the human scheme of things.
I've got to go fold my clothes. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

--> Sorry for the textwall. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s

-->
ETA, 06-24-11: The book is called
Life Colors, not "Aura Colors". I didn't think the correction merited its own post. <!-- s

--><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s

-->