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"What else would I be?"
Chordal
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Post: #1
"What else would I be?"
I've been browsing through a number of threads and websites; and otherwise, reading offline, all day; so I hope you'll forgive any lack of ...verbosity on my end. I'm pretty complicated, so if something doesn't make sense here, feel free to ask. I may not have the answers you're looking for, and some things may be too personal to share, but you can always ask. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Several years ago (around my early twenties, I believe) I was more into 'kin and therian subculture, though sometime back there I stopped...largely for concerns about being accepted. I'm not a very social person, but the mental weight of wondering who would accept me and who would reject or hate me if they knew who I was weighed heavily at that time. (Now I know that it is more the false ideas that may be dredged up by charged words I use, or which are brought to mind by the way I look or conduct myself, which will cause some to attack me; not who I actually am.) But then, I've not had an easy life...

The two things which may factor in here are the concepts that 1) I experience myself as plural (I have more than one identity state), and 2) I have an organic psychiatric condition which affects my perception and cognition. The second state, I'm medicated for -- so it doesn't affect me as seriously as it could, at this point. The main issues with it which remain are having to deal with anxiety, fear and psychic pain -- and the self-feeding spirals these can engender when those tendencies are paired with obsession -- plus medication side-effects (in particular, being driven to sleep 12+ hours a day, which leaves me with a lot fewer waking hours than most).

The plurality, at present, is just a fact of life. It's how my mind works. Though that could be an entire post unto itself. My psych team does consider me dissociative, and at times I have a tough time grounding myself.

After these things are out of the way...basically, my lived positionality makes it so that it is difficult to go about life thinking everything is happy and good. I was harassed for a good six years growing up because of my gender expression, my intelligence, my supposed sexuality, my defiance, and my race. (I did get the distinct feeling that I was expected to be stupid because of the confluence of my race and my sex -- though in the particular situation I'm recalling, this was sourced from a teacher.) During the same time, home was not as safe or supportive as it could have been because of one of my parents' mental illnesses, once I was in high school (we used to fight on a daily basis).

I know I was dissociating in 6th grade (I had time loss of about thirty minutes at a time while brushing my teeth), which would have made me 11; this was the same time as the sexual harassment started. I can clearly recall dissociating in 9th grade (staring at homework all afternoon only to finish it quickly at 1 or 2 AM), which is when I was largely isolated, and being harassed at school for being too intelligent to be a girl.

The fights at home didn't start until I came out as lesbian, at maybe 16 (though I can't consider myself entirely lesbian now, as I am at times male, and at times attracted to [very] select men). It wasn't until I got to college and learned what "transgender" meant, and had "lesbian" redefined as by default "cissexual", that I started IDing as FTM (female-to-male) transgender. ...I don't ID as FTM now. I'm multiple, which encompasses the gender differences. If I have to identify myself genderwise, however, I say that I'm gender variant, because that seems to be the only gender category I fit that there isn't a bunch of cultural garbage attached to.

But back in college, I felt that everything except my academics and my few friends were turned against me, and I felt like I couldn't fall any further, socially. So I started to examine communities online...particularly spiritually-oriented ones. This is how I (eventually) started seeking out Satanism, drawing from the time in my teens when I felt I had literally been cast out of my society. (Parallel there to being cast out of Heaven, though I did not know enough about Christianity or Christian literature to know that the source of this metaphor was Paradise Lost, and thus not canon.)

This was at the time when there were actually some Satanist forums I knew of which weren't all mind-control cults, or otherwise heavily contributed to (or owned) by trolls. I did see a thread in the Demon subforum here, about Satan, but...I'd rather not get into...that.

I believe it was after I got into Satanism, or at least in parallel to it, that I started exploring both the otherkin and multiple tangents. I believe that after some searching, I eventually identified as a demon. Then as the Satanist forums were shutting down some years later, I did take a look at what was at the time the only above-ground demonolatry sect online...which at the time, at least, expressly discouraged demonkin from joining (probably thinking that the only reason a demonkin would join was because they wanted to be worshipped by the humans?). In any case, I checked out one of their books, and it basically freaked me out and gave no reason as to "why Satan?" or "why Demons?", so I left it alone. But I didn't go back to IDing as demon. It just seemed to have too many drawbacks to me, at the time.

I continued to lurk and at times post in otherkin forums, at the time experimenting with ID as naga, due to a specific snakelike metaphysical...reflex that I have had, relating to a specific life event. However, I think that if we take all the social stigma away from IDing as demon, it probably fits me a lot better.

If we're going to get into "why demon?"...I'm not as up on my otherkin community research as I'd like to be, but chaos is one of the things that actually fits my psyche pretty well. Things like interests and career plans change so often that I have a hard time keeping up with them. I've actually had to resort to writing (by hand and on computer) in order to be able to remind myself of prior selves' thoughts and priorities. In the past I've generally opted for having one to a few close friends, though of course that has devastating consequences when one or more of the set outgrow each other, or when certain of my selves don't like said "friends;" or when said friends turn abusive, which has happened in the past. This in effect conditioned me to be a loner, because I'd rather not have relationships than be in abusive ones.

Because of my conditioning, it might be obvious that I have some rather unusual reactions to people whom the word "righteous" can be applied to (outside of surfer slang), considering that at the time I was growing up, people who called themselves "good" and "righteous" (and "holy") were preaching hate, encouraging my abusers, and probably would have incited another Holocaust if they were given power.

If we're going to be looking for a demon subtype, I've always had Watcher traits; in real-world scenarios, I try not to give away too much information. I observe people to see if they can be trusted or not, and what is safe to say around them. It could be a self-preservation technique I learned when young, or it could be something else, but at this point, in my late twenties, I'm so far away from my initial experiences of interacting with other children that I can't say what is learned and what is innate. I do know that I was never popular. I also know that putting information out about myself on an online forum is not *as* safe as speaking with someone in-person (at least, considering that the idea that one can trust that person is a given).

It's said that you learn a lot more when you listen and stop talking, and to an extent, this is true. But if you never talk, you never direct conversation, and you may never get to talk about what *you* want to talk about.

At present...we're (by "we" I mean all the "I's") trying to work out what is going on with this system. If I were going to listen to my walk-in partner here, we actually have more than one spirit operating through this body, and a series of splits or aspects off of some of them.

There's the shapeshifting tangent...which I nearly forgot to mention. The shapeshifting has to do with one of my identities who has a couple of modifying adjuncts which can appear in concert with him, but which rarely if ever appear on their own. In my system he has had his own subsystem, however we can see that this organization is in some way not accurate.

I read Ges speaking...from a number of years ago...about how to his mind, a demon was a celestial (a construct) that no longer worked for its appointed purpose. This, at least, clarifies the "Satan" (rebellious construct) link to me. And the poor luck/troubled life thing that I read Kahoku mentioning elsewhere...for if you're a construct and you aren't doing what you were designed to do, this in effect could make someone (the one who constructed you) kind of upset.

As for whether all the multiplicity is the work of one being, or we actually do have about four separate souls and different emanations of those souls...that's as yet unclear.

I've written enough...sorry for the tl;dr.

The latter part of this was written by A. The beginning was likely I.
2010-10-23 6:47
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kahoku
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Post: #2
Re: "What else would I be?"
Welcome to OKP, Chordal! The story of your life sounds very familiar, we have also gone through more than hard times in our life, redefining and re-discovering ourselves over time. Bullying at school, a home that was more of a prison than a home, and the lack of social relations are, thankfully, more than a decade gone but you never forget these things.

I hope you will like this forum.

*Astraea

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2010-10-23 9:47
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Seraphyna
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Post: #3
Re: "What else would I be?"
Welcome <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> You'll notice that the multiple/plural/median systems around here sign their posts. It keeps track of "who" wrote what, so you might find it helpful to sign yours too. Do you consider demons to be energetic beings linked to chaos? Or do you go by the traditional Christian view of demons? (or some mix of both?)

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"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost."-Tolkien
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."-Poe
2010-10-23 13:30
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Chordal
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Post: #4
Re: "What else would I be?"
Seraphyna Wrote:Welcome <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> You'll notice that the multiple/plural/median systems around here sign their posts. It keeps track of "who" wrote what, so you might find it helpful to sign yours too. Do you consider demons to be energetic beings linked to chaos? Or do you go by the traditional Christian view of demons? (or some mix of both?)
Hello to both of you! Sorry I wasn't able to get around to answering this earlier -- first life called, then I lay down for a nap in the afternoon and ended up sleeping for four hours. -_-;;

I did take a peek at the replies this morning, though (I habitually read and then mull over responses before replying) and ...let's see if I can remember everything.

One of the things which really stood out for me is that the Satanist view of Satan and the Christian view of Satan often differ more than just in valuation. It's been apparent to me that the way Christians define Satan, Satan works *for* them by scaring people into line.

On the other hand, the impression I took away myself from the Satanist boards was the idea that Satan was linked with change -- it didn't matter change into what, just that things change. I linked this with the reason why there were so many progressives and right-wing radicals on the same board, while more moderate types, at the very least, did not stand out. Both the progressives and the right-wing radicals were not satisfied with the status quo and would work to change that, and that was what they had in common. This could also explain why people who are satisfied with the way things are now, tend to fear Satan...

On my side, the linkage of what I at first perceived as a deity of death and renewal (not one without the other) led me to the study of impermanence in Buddhism, and then to Hinduism (as I found the Satanism to quite concretely instill a sense of dukkha, or unease).

All that to say that "energetic being linked to chaos" actually fits me, and that the idea of chaos I have is linked to (though not identical with) my idea of Satan -- which in turn is a personal interpretation.
2010-10-24 2:54
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Chordal
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Post: #5
Re: "What else would I be?"
Seraphyna Wrote:You'll notice that the multiple/plural/median systems around here sign their posts. It keeps track of "who" wrote what, so you might find it helpful to sign yours too.
Ah ha -- forgot to do that. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I'm uncertain I'd feel comfortable just at this point asking my other system members to sign their names here. I kind of need to get a feel for the place and a sense of safety first (I've had issues with other people impersonating me before).

Plus -- within my system, it's not always clear who is saying what; or we could be getting input from more than one person at a time (as now, and as in the last comment).

We'll see if we can work out some handles to use on this forum, as they're easier to remember. Until then, we'll just be using initials.

-- A. & B.

P.S. Hope it didn't come across as too unfriendly to not have responded earlier. How does this forum run? Is it fast-paced, with topics getting dropped when they aren't responded to immediately, or is it more relaxed?
2010-10-24 4:30
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Post: #6
Re: "What else would I be?"
Chordal Wrote:I'm uncertain I'd feel comfortable just at this point asking my other system members to sign their names here. I kind of need to get a feel for the place and a sense of safety first (I've had issues with other people impersonating me before).

We empathize. You& don't have to sign, to answer any question, or do anything else aside from obeying the rules. Other board members (including us) may be curious but also want you to feel comfortable and welcome here.

Chordal Wrote:How does this forum run? Is it fast-paced, with topics getting dropped when they aren't responded to immediately, or is it more relaxed?

It's not fast-paced at all. Take your time, and feel free to revive old threads if you have something new to say on the subject.

-Shaynin

"All knowledge is worth having." -Phedre no Delaunay

"Everything has a price." -Jaenelle Angelline

"I think if you try, that's being your best." -Echo
2010-10-24 6:13
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Post: #7
Re: "What else would I be?"
Welcome, and thanks for the long introductory post! I really love to read about people and it was very interesting.

Rough lives might not be very fun, but in certain ways they help us define who and what we are, which can be enlightening and helpful.

I used to identify as multiple, but as I haven't had contact with the other spirit who used to reside with me in over a year, possibly closer to two, I'm pretty sure I'm alone as of now.

I don't have anything else to say other than I hope you like it here.

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2010-10-24 12:10
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Seraphyna
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Post: #8
Re: "What else would I be?"
Chordal Wrote:Ah ha -- forgot to do that. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I'm uncertain I'd feel comfortable just at this point asking my other system members to sign their names here. I kind of need to get a feel for the place and a sense of safety first (I've had issues with other people impersonating me before).

Which is perfectly acceptable and understandable. If it works for you, go for it. If it doesn't, don't do it.

Chordal Wrote:Plus -- within my system, it's not always clear who is saying what; or we could be getting input from more than one person at a time (as now, and as in the last comment).

Yeah, I've noticed that when it's unclear people sign things as "blurry" or just don't sign them at all.

Chordal Wrote:We'll see if we can work out some handles to use on this forum, as they're easier to remember. Until then, we'll just be using initials.
Initials work too *nod*. Anything that distinguishes one headmate from another works just fine. Helps the rest of us keep track of personalities, etc.

Chordal Wrote:P.S. Hope it didn't come across as too unfriendly to not have responded earlier. How does this forum run? Is it fast-paced, with topics getting dropped when they aren't responded to immediately, or is it more relaxed?

Not at all. Depending on the time of year, day of the week, etc. the forum is anywhere from half dead, to full swing, so you won't notice us freaking out on you or removing posts (so long as they don't break the rules of course).

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"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."-Poe
2010-10-24 12:48
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Post: #9
Re: "What else would I be?"
Chordal Wrote:I continued to lurk and at times post in otherkin forums, at the time experimenting with ID as naga, due to a specific snakelike metaphysical...reflex that I have had, relating to a specific life event.

Huh, wait wait wait. Are you who I think you are?

I'm thinking of a very intelligent young woman who identified as naga, was non-white, and looked great in the colour green. And was on OH, along with (among others) Ges. (That's a very vague description of course, but if you are who I'm thinking of, I'm not gonna go into details that you haven't introduced yourself.)

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2010-10-25 2:00
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Chordal
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Post: #10
Re: "What else would I be?"
Archer Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:I continued to lurk and at times post in otherkin forums, at the time experimenting with ID as naga, due to a specific snakelike metaphysical...reflex that I have had, relating to a specific life event.

Huh, wait wait wait. Are you who I think you are?

I'm thinking of a very intelligent young woman who identified as naga, was non-white, and looked great in the colour green. And was on OH, along with (among others) Ges. (That's a very vague description of course, but if you are who I'm thinking of, I'm not gonna go into details that you haven't introduced yourself.)
I...don't think I've ever posted a picture of myself online wearing green. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I don't wear it often, either...and I don't know what OH is...so I'm guessing we're two different people. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> Sorries ^_^;
2010-10-25 3:08
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