Hide background
READ THIS!

Welcome to the Otherkinphenomena forum.

You really have to follow these instructions! Instructions will update as you progress.

If you wish to post on, or access most of the content of our forum and our community, please click here to register first, then follow the instructions below. If you have already registered, please log in, in the above "Hello There, Guest!" box.

Thanks for understanding and see you around.



Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
What I Am
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #1
What I Am
Whatever I am, I am currently human or at least in human form. I am quite possibly insane which is a possibility I am constantly aware of and do not need to be reminded. However, I function just fine. Also, I will be writing the rest as if it is real. That does not mean that it is or that I think it is. I do know that it is how I see myself and how I experience the world and nothing I do or have done has gotten rid of it. I don’t know what to believe about it. I also obviously cannot change my shape physically. I can, however, change how my phantom limbs and dysphoria feel which is what I am referencing when I am talking about shifting.
One thing I would like to point out is that words mean different things to different people which can make things confusing and difficult especially when talking about these sorts of things. If you don’t understand what I mean by something, ask before assuming please.
I apologize for this being all... “feely.” Also in case I posted this in the wrong area and because I highly doubt anyone is interested. Or they are and want to use it try to hurt me which has happened before. Unfortunately for anyone who decides to do the latter, it won’t work. Sure, it may contribute to my shame of being otherkin (which is temporary), but won’t stop me from being otherkin, won’t stop me from liking myself or functioning as a regular though odd member of society, and won’t have any effect on anything outside my head.
I ramble.

These are the terms I could use that I am relatively certain of (aside from the insanity thing):

Shapeshifter- Of any word I could use, this is the one I am most sure of. I prefer the term shapeshifter to polymorph, but have taken many forms. I don’t always control it, but I can if I want to. At least, I can to a certain extent.
Species-related: I tend to prefer humanoid, monstrous forms. (See below for the definition of monster.) Some forms feel more natural than others. I can change my size (but larger feels more natural to me and I rarely go much smaller than a human). Sometimes, I identify as the specific form I’m taking which I’ll talk about below. Sometimes, I take on animal traits. (A few times, I’ve accidentally shifted my feet to hooves. It was pretty disorienting to see human feet, but feel hooves.) I have no idea if there is a limit to what I can change, but I do know I’m pretty fluid. Perhaps literally some of the time. I don’t know.
Personality-related: This ties into the chaos thing and I think I’ll talk about it below. One things that is specifically shapeshifter related though I think is that being expected to be stuck as one thing feels suffocating and painful. I imagine a lot of other people feel the same. Personally, I think labels are useful in terms of communication, but I hate being expected to stick to one. Especially when I’m also it’s “opposite.” I have different modes I switch between. They mix and match and some are contradictory (or so I’ve been told), but they are all me. (I don’t have DID. I mean it when I say they are all me.)

Chaos being- This is a given in some capacity. At the least, I have a very chaotic mind and personality even if none of this is real.
(Note: chaos is a synonym for mayhem, pandemonium, etc.)
Species-related: I’m a fluid shapeshifter whose “true form” (if I have one) is formless. For awhile, I thought I used to be a part of the primordial chaos, but I don’t know.
Personality: Externally, life is naturally chaotic and I can adapt very well to situations. While staying in the same general place for too long makes me feel stuck and frustrated, I change it by constantly working to improve things.
Internally... Hmm... You know that part of the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie where there’s a storm, a maelstrom, and a battle all at the same time? That’s what my mind is like. (Any mention of fiction is merely to try to explain things.) It’s exhilarating. There’s also what I said above about my personality. I like having a chaotic mind. It energizes me. That inner peace thing is not for me.

Faerie- I am a malevolent, chaotic, shapeshifter who tends to prefer monstrous forms, but that’s about as far I can narrow it down in general. If I had to answer why I identify as a faerie, I’m not sure what I would answer. It’s just something I’ve always known (as long as I can remember anyway). Also, I tend to use the word faerie for any (most anyway) supernatural beings, so... Why faerie and not demon? I haven’t ruled out demon yet. Maybe I lean more towards faerie because of an association with nature I feel. (The wild and potentially dangerous and hostile aspect of nature. Not the tree hugger kind.)

Monster-
Species-related: “an imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly, and frightening” -the dictionary on my laptop. I’m not always large since I can change my size, but I do tend to think of myself as larger most of the time and rarely get much smaller than a human. I’m also not always ugly, but I prefer to be. I really like being frightening.
Personality-related: I’m generally malevolent. This does not mean I’m an idiot. I won’t make life difficult for myself unless it’s worth it. It also doesn’t mean that I am always and only malevolent. I just tend to lean that way more often than not. I will quite happily do nice things for people if I feel like it and treat the people well if I like them. Internally (I rarely ever show it to avoid reactions), I’m violent, spiteful, sadistic, and crave blood, flesh, and other people’s fear. I am aware of all that implies.
I am also aware that many people claim to be the same, but don’t actually mean it. I am unwilling to prove that I am since that would conflict with my current, more important goals. I also think trying to convince people is a waste of time I could be spending on more important things like gaining power.


As I mentioned before, sometimes I identify as a more specific form I’m taking. When that happens, I identify quite strongly with a certain term, it feels like the most natural to me at that time, and I sometimes feel upset at the idea of not being that form. These are some of them:

Jötunn- Quite often, I identify as a jötunn. I’m not entirely sure how to put into words why. If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I’m a hrímþurs since I have a thing for ice.

Troll (Not the internet kind.)- This is also what I frequently identify as. Again, I’m not entirely sure how to put into words why. Especially since trolls are usually described as dim-witted. I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but I’m far from dim-witted. I also don't turn into stone in the sun as far as I know. Then again, the word “troll” can mean so many different things, so this isn’t exactly narrowing it down.

Goblin-ish- While I’d hesitate to call myself a goblin since larger forms feel more natural to me than smaller ones, I often feel like I should look like one.

Púca-ish- I also hesitate to call myself a púca since I’m not sure and, when I'm not in this mode, it seems restrictive. The reason I use it is probably because of a picture of in a book by Brian Froud and Alan Lee that show one with the head of a goat (which I sometimes feel like). In other words, on sentiment rather than an a more reliable source. (But then, isn't all of this based on sentiment?) Sometimes, I have other animal characteristics (normally goat, horse, or dog, but I have had others such as a cow tail). Sometimes, I consider the “goblin” mode and the “púca” mode the same one even though they aren’t always the same form. This mode is usually around human sized.

Fomorian- To be honest, I haven’t even thought of fomorians until I looked into Irish mythology again. After reading more though, I wonder. It describes me about as well as jötunn does and for the same reasons. Interesting.

Of course, I would hesitate to use any one of these words for me to the exclusion of the others because I hate being restricted to one thing and I’m afraid of being wrong. But then again, I have a general idea of what I am. I’m just not good at words. Anyway, this is just to give an idea of what I am.
Oh I should mention that, despite some of the terms I use, I’m not fond of the idea of being confined to just one pantheon. I’d also hate to be stuck to just one kind of environment. By "hate" and "not fond of," I mean it feels very wrong.
Did I choose to be this way? No and I can’t stop no matter how hard I’ve tried. Do I like being this way? I have mixed feelings. The more negative ones are centered around the fact that being what I think I am is impossible and I let people’s words affect me too much (a bad habit I am trying to stop). The more positive ones are because I think I am awesome. I love being what I am. Actually, even if I am nuts, then I still like being the kind of nuts I am even though I’d rather it be real. However, that in itself contributes a bit to the negative feelings since, if I love being what I think I am, that gives more fodder to the people who claim I just think I am what I am because I like it and, let’s face it, it’s really cool (or would be if I were real).
Thoughts and opinions are welcome namely because I like it when people talk to me, I can’t talk about this to anyone really, and that makes me feel lonely (which is an annoying emotion that I am trying to eradicate).
Wow. I actually managed to write that without censoring myself. Ha! I’ve probably forgot some things though. Oh well.

Oh yeah I also want to add that, yes, I have had some painful life experiences. For some reason, that automatically makes people assume I'm some depressed, broken weakling trying to escape the "real world" or "feel special." I'm not. First of all, being otherkin does not make the real world any different neither do I want to escape anything. (Dude, I'm in university studying brains and other cool stuff! Why would I want to escape that?) Also, the otherkin stuff started years before the abuse did, so unless I have some repressed memories (highly unlikely), I don't see a connection. Second of all, species does not make a person special neither do I see the appeal or understand the concept of being any more special than anyone else. Unless special means I really like myself in which case, yeah I do, but that's not dependant on being otherkin either. Third of all, I am not depressed or broken. I am capable of a variety emotions which include sadness and sometimes I can be a little too hard on myself. However, most days I'm happy and enjoying being me which, as I said, I like being regardless of if I'm otherkin or not. Fourth of all, I learned some very valuable things from those life experiences and they helped shape who I am. For example, I learned that I love life and won't let anyone take it from me or keep me from it and I gained an interest in brains which are really cool. Notably, I also gained an obsession with power which may lead some illogical people to think that's why I think I'm otherkin. Oh please. As if I would let humanity stop me. Or anything for that matter. Besides, it's completely illogical since even if I am what I think I am, that has no effect on my amount of power right now.
Sorry for the defensiveness. I've met too many people who make false assumptions about me and it pisses me off.

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-10-19 1:57
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #2
Re: What I Am
No response hey? Ok.
Yesterday, the term I identified with was troll. Today, I identify with the term jötunn. The thing is, what I feel I am hasn't changed. Just which term I feel like using. To be honest, I don't know why I'm looking for a term. I know what I am (if I'm not nuts). Maybe to help explain to others what I am, but who do I have to explain it to?

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-10-31 3:33
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Elinox
Member is Offline
Professional Pirate
Kintype: Lupine & Feline
Otherkin: Yes
Gender: chaotic good
Reputation: 2
Posts: 2,447
Points: 10221.00
Contribution: tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick 

.
Post: #3
Re: What I Am
I've always been curious, why don't you simply label yourself either a shapeshifter or a polymorph?

Edge Wrote:Maybe to help explain to others what I am, but who do I have to explain it to?

I would also assume that having one term to use would make it easier on yourself too. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

[Image: sGaXcqG.png]
Banner by me. If you want one too, see here.

"You're the best kind of crazy." -Murphy, The Dresden Files
2013-10-31 12:59
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #4
Re: What I Am
Elinox Wrote:I've always been curious, why don't you simply label yourself either a shapeshifter or a polymorph?

Edge Wrote:Maybe to help explain to others what I am, but who do I have to explain it to?

I would also assume that having one term to use would make it easier on yourself too. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->
There are so many ways to be shapeshifters/polymorphs that it's too general. It's like if you were to say you were a sea creature and leave it at that. There would be nothing to indicate that you're a wolf and you may have nothing much in common with fish, lobsters, coral, plankton, sharks, whales, dolphins, etc. I tend to have a knee jerk reaction to being associated with something I feel profoundly different from which includes some other shapeshifters. Most animal shifters, for example, seem completely alien. Same with polymorphs who have multiple kintypes that are separate as opposed to all those being different shapes of the same kintype (if that makes sense).
There's also the fact, although I do identify as a shapeshifter since I am one, I identify more with jötnar, trolls, etc. than I do with most other shapeshifters. Then again, jötnar, trolls, etc have been known to shapeshift, so... Meh. It doesn't really matter I guess.
I'm not entirely sure it would make it easier on me.

Oh. To clarify, I have one kintype. It's the word to call that kintype that I have trouble with.

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-10-31 18:21
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #5
Re: What I Am
Ok. I know there's not really any point saying anything, but I have bad impulse control, so...
I've identified as a jötunn for most of the past while now. The few days I identified as a different word, it was "troll." During this time, what I feel I am didn't change. Just the word. I'm tempted to say I am a jötunn, but am worried that would mean I'd have be stuck in one pantheon and, while I don't mind that right now, what if that starts to feel too restrictive? I suppose it wouldn't really matter since there's no reason why one can't travel. Also, the more I read/learn about them, the more I realize that they describe what I am pretty much exactly. (Keep in mind that I have been very picky about which word I use because I want to fit it to what I am and not the other way around.) It's kind of difficult to sort out mistranslations and author's bias though, so I don't exactly trust what I've learned. A part of me also worries that I don't have the right to call myself a jötunn precisely because what if I've got it all wrong and it describes something that I'm not? Ah well.
I'm tired and probably make no sense. I'm the only person who cares what I am anyway and I already know.

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-12-12 5:49
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Elinox
Member is Offline
Professional Pirate
Kintype: Lupine & Feline
Otherkin: Yes
Gender: chaotic good
Reputation: 2
Posts: 2,447
Points: 10221.00
Contribution: tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick 

.
Post: #6
Re: What I Am
Edge Wrote:I'm tempted to say I am a jötunn, but am worried that would mean I'd have be stuck in one pantheon and, while I don't mind that right now, what if that starts to feel too restrictive?

It seems being 'stuck' in one pantheon or form bothers you a lot. I'm sure you've already considered it, but thought it might be helpful to point it out anyway, but, have you considered that you're simply a shapeshifter or polymorph? Every time I read your writings and how you seem to have many facets of many types of creatures, those two words spring to my mind.

Edge Wrote:Also, the more I read/learn about them, the more I realize that they describe what I am pretty much exactly. (Keep in mind that I have been very picky about which word I use because I want to fit it to what I am and not the other way around.)

In some cases, there simply isn't a human word/term for what some of us are. What about creating your own to express what you feel you are?

[Image: sGaXcqG.png]
Banner by me. If you want one too, see here.

"You're the best kind of crazy." -Murphy, The Dresden Files
2013-12-12 15:20
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #7
Re: What I Am
Elinox Wrote:
Edge Wrote:I'm tempted to say I am a jötunn, but am worried that would mean I'd have be stuck in one pantheon and, while I don't mind that right now, what if that starts to feel too restrictive?

It seems being 'stuck' in one pantheon or form bothers you a lot. I'm sure you've already considered it, but thought it might be helpful to point it out anyway, but, have you considered that you're simply a shapeshifter or polymorph? Every time I read your writings and how you seem to have many facets of many types of creatures, those two words spring to my mind.
You already asked me that in this thread and I have already answered.
Since you still don't get it, let me put it this way. Why do you have to be a seawolf? Why can't you just be a sea animal?
If you still don't get it, I'll break it up into smaller bits:
1. A shapeshifter is someone with the ability to shapeshift. This encompasses many species most of which I am NOT and don't want to be confused with.
2. I identify more as a jötunn or troll than a shapeshifter. To use a metaphor, the shapeshifting part is more like the wrapping and the jötunn is what's inside.
Does that clear it up for you? If there is something more specific about what I've said that you are having trouble understanding, please be more specific. Asking me to repeat it all again as if I haven't already answered this question is actually pretty annoying.

Elinox Wrote:In some cases, there simply isn't a human word/term for what some of us are. What about creating your own to express what you feel you are?
So I take it you don't think I'm a jötunn or troll. May I ask why?

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-12-13 0:22
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Masnolu
Member is Offline
Student
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 11
Points: 110.00
Contribution:

Post: #8
Re: What I Am
I can't speak for others, but I myself am a bit of a feral kin. I developed my sense of 'non human' identity without the kin community to shape my perceptions. Consequently I don't feel like any of the words, titles, or labels commonly used on the Otherkin boards or in the community make sense to me. In my mind I know who I am and I'm not fictional so it doesn't make sense for me to treat myself as a fictional character. That would be disingenuous to myself and my place in this world.

So I define myself by a concept rather than a strict title. I've come to refer to myself as a fae familiar, not because I necessarily feel I am fae and belong to any particular house or species, but because fae denotes a non-human humanoid spirit, and familiar denotes that I seek to aid others with what knowledge I have when I can.

My conception of my appearance is what it decides to be. It just so happens to have stayed really consistent for the past year or so since I started involuntarily 'shifting'.

Together those two things make up my spiritual identity and that's why I'm at the kin forums; because yall share something in common with me that I didn't think anyone ever would, and it's cool.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe just come up with your own words to describe you and let your spiritual appearance be what it will. That will provide both you and others with a fuller picture of yourself than any fiction writer's title ever could.
2013-12-13 4:49
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Edge
Member is Offline
Copy cat
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 103
Points: 640.00
Contribution:

Post: #9
Re: What I Am
I know exactly what I am. The whole point of finding the right word to describe it is to be able to communicate it. Although, truthfully, that's a dumb idea since I have no one to communicate it to.

What is a feral kin? I'm pretty sure most of us if not all of us figured out our identities outside of the otherkin community. Why else would we be here? Many people (myself included) have known for as long as we can remember. What do you mean by "developed" your identity? Was it not already your identity? That's fine that you don't want to use titles (although fae and familiar sound like titles to me, but maybe you mean a different definition of titles). Personally and as I've said, I find them useful for conversation. Why would you choose the word fae if you don't feel fae? I find made up words tend not to be useful for conversation since no one knows what the made up words mean.

By the way, jötnar and trolls are about as fictional as fae and familiars. Especially since one of the (admittedly many, but it's one of the ones I use) definitions of troll is pretty much a synonym for fae. I don't mean to say that any of us are real. Just pointing that you might not want to go around claiming other people's words are fictional when the words you choose are just as fictional. Also, if you don't want to be treated as a fictional character, maybe you shouldn't treat others like one. Deal?

It's great that you have found people you share things in common with. Honestly, I still haven't. Even most other otherkin I meet seem to be wolves or other animals, dragons, angels, demons, or a more modern version of fae than me. Here I am being a chaotic, shapeshifting, ugly (mostly) thingamagig with an association to the more dangerous aspects of nature (wow that's a mouthful which is why I want a more efficient word) and no one knows (or cares) what the heck I am talking about. Fair enough. To be honest, I really don't want to be anyone else but me regardless.

Oh I forgot to put a disclaimer: It is quite possible we are all insane. I don't know about you, but I got myself checked out, tested, the whole nine yards and they couldn't find anything. In any case, it's still possible that none of us exist.

I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin
2013-12-13 7:18
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Masnolu
Member is Offline
Student
Kintype:
Otherkin:
Gender:
Reputation: 0
Posts: 11
Points: 110.00
Contribution:

Post: #10
Re: What I Am
Sorry Edge, didn't mean to rub you wrong, I was only trying to help. That said I think you may have misunderstood; I don't use the phrase 'fae familiar' to describe myself because I feel like a 'fae' but because it's the best I've got. It's a word set that requires the fewest alterations in meaning to convey my message without being verbose. I also don't think you or the words you use to describe yourself are made up. What I was getting at is if you feel there is a word, or set of words that describe you best with as few caveats as possible perhaps you should just use that word, regardless of what others' definition of it is.

In terms of being a 'feral otherkin', near as I can tell there are a fair number of people who develop their Otherkin identity either in or because of the Otherkin community. I'm sure a fair number haven't as well, but what I'm getting at here is I didn't have words for myself, and now, finding all you folks, suddenly I have to find words. It used to just all be internal, because heavens knows what others would do if I were to candidly talk to them about this stuff, but now, suddenly, I find myself having to put words and descriptions to it. It's weird for me to give it all names all of a sudden.

And yes, otherkin develop their identities the same as humans or any other animal/spirit. 'Otherkin' is a what, identity is the 'who, how, and why' of the what. All those things take time, regardless of when you realize the what.
2013-12-13 7:43
Find
Quote
Give Thanks
Post Reply 


Forum Jump:


User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)