What I Am
Whatever I am, I am currently human or at least in human form. I am quite possibly insane which is a possibility I am constantly aware of and do not need to be reminded. However, I function just fine. Also, I will be writing the rest as if it is real. That does not mean that it is or that I think it is. I do know that it is how I see myself and how I experience the world and nothing I do or have done has gotten rid of it. I don’t know what to believe about it. I also obviously cannot change my shape physically. I can, however, change how my phantom limbs and dysphoria feel which is what I am referencing when I am talking about shifting.
One thing I would like to point out is that words mean different things to different people which can make things confusing and difficult especially when talking about these sorts of things. If you don’t understand what I mean by something, ask before assuming please.
I apologize for this being all... “feely.” Also in case I posted this in the wrong area and because I highly doubt anyone is interested. Or they are and want to use it try to hurt me which has happened before. Unfortunately for anyone who decides to do the latter, it won’t work. Sure, it may contribute to my shame of being otherkin (which is temporary), but won’t stop me from being otherkin, won’t stop me from liking myself or functioning as a regular though odd member of society, and won’t have any effect on anything outside my head.
These are the terms I could use that I am relatively certain of (aside from the insanity thing):
Shapeshifter- Of any word I could use, this is the one I am most sure of. I prefer the term shapeshifter to polymorph, but have taken many forms. I don’t always control it, but I can if I want to. At least, I can to a certain extent.
Species-related: I tend to prefer humanoid, monstrous forms. (See below for the definition of monster.) Some forms feel more natural than others. I can change my size (but larger feels more natural to me and I rarely go much smaller than a human). Sometimes, I identify as the specific form I’m taking which I’ll talk about below. Sometimes, I take on animal traits. (A few times, I’ve accidentally shifted my feet to hooves. It was pretty disorienting to see human feet, but feel hooves.) I have no idea if there is a limit to what I can change, but I do know I’m pretty fluid. Perhaps literally some of the time. I don’t know.
Personality-related: This ties into the chaos thing and I think I’ll talk about it below. One things that is specifically shapeshifter related though I think is that being expected to be stuck as one thing feels suffocating and painful. I imagine a lot of other people feel the same. Personally, I think labels are useful in terms of communication, but I hate being expected to stick to one. Especially when I’m also it’s “opposite.” I have different modes I switch between. They mix and match and some are contradictory (or so I’ve been told), but they are all me. (I don’t have DID. I mean it when I say they are all me.)
Chaos being- This is a given in some capacity. At the least, I have a very chaotic mind and personality even if none of this is real.
(Note: chaos is a synonym for mayhem, pandemonium, etc.)
Species-related: I’m a fluid shapeshifter whose “true form” (if I have one) is formless. For awhile, I thought I used to be a part of the primordial chaos, but I don’t know.
Personality: Externally, life is naturally chaotic and I can adapt very well to situations. While staying in the same general place for too long makes me feel stuck and frustrated, I change it by constantly working to improve things.
Internally... Hmm... You know that part of the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie where there’s a storm, a maelstrom, and a battle all at the same time? That’s what my mind is like. (Any mention of fiction is merely to try to explain things.) It’s exhilarating. There’s also what I said above about my personality. I like having a chaotic mind. It energizes me. That inner peace thing is not for me.
Faerie- I am a malevolent, chaotic, shapeshifter who tends to prefer monstrous forms, but that’s about as far I can narrow it down in general. If I had to answer why I identify as a faerie, I’m not sure what I would answer. It’s just something I’ve always known (as long as I can remember anyway). Also, I tend to use the word faerie for any (most anyway) supernatural beings, so... Why faerie and not demon? I haven’t ruled out demon yet. Maybe I lean more towards faerie because of an association with nature I feel. (The wild and potentially dangerous and hostile aspect of nature. Not the tree hugger kind.)
Species-related: “an imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly, and frightening” -the dictionary on my laptop. I’m not always large since I can change my size, but I do tend to think of myself as larger most of the time and rarely get much smaller than a human. I’m also not always ugly, but I prefer to be. I really like being frightening.
Personality-related: I’m generally malevolent. This does not mean I’m an idiot. I won’t make life difficult for myself unless it’s worth it. It also doesn’t mean that I am always and only malevolent. I just tend to lean that way more often than not. I will quite happily do nice things for people if I feel like it and treat the people well if I like them. Internally (I rarely ever show it to avoid reactions), I’m violent, spiteful, sadistic, and crave blood, flesh, and other people’s fear. I am aware of all that implies.
I am also aware that many people claim to be the same, but don’t actually mean it. I am unwilling to prove that I am since that would conflict with my current, more important goals. I also think trying to convince people is a waste of time I could be spending on more important things like gaining power.
As I mentioned before, sometimes I identify as a more specific form I’m taking. When that happens, I identify quite strongly with a certain term, it feels like the most natural to me at that time, and I sometimes feel upset at the idea of not being that form. These are some of them:
Jötunn- Quite often, I identify as a jötunn. I’m not entirely sure how to put into words why. If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I’m a hrímþurs since I have a thing for ice.
Troll (Not the internet kind.)- This is also what I frequently identify as. Again, I’m not entirely sure how to put into words why. Especially since trolls are usually described as dim-witted. I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but I’m far from dim-witted. I also don't turn into stone in the sun as far as I know. Then again, the word “troll” can mean so many different things, so this isn’t exactly narrowing it down.
Goblin-ish- While I’d hesitate to call myself a goblin since larger forms feel more natural to me than smaller ones, I often feel like I should look like one.
Púca-ish- I also hesitate to call myself a púca since I’m not sure and, when I'm not in this mode, it seems restrictive. The reason I use it is probably because of a picture of in a book by Brian Froud and Alan Lee that show one with the head of a goat (which I sometimes feel like). In other words, on sentiment rather than an a more reliable source. (But then, isn't all of this based on sentiment?) Sometimes, I have other animal characteristics (normally goat, horse, or dog, but I have had others such as a cow tail). Sometimes, I consider the “goblin” mode and the “púca” mode the same one even though they aren’t always the same form. This mode is usually around human sized.
Fomorian- To be honest, I haven’t even thought of fomorians until I looked into Irish mythology again. After reading more though, I wonder. It describes me about as well as jötunn does and for the same reasons. Interesting.
Of course, I would hesitate to use any one of these words for me to the exclusion of the others because I hate being restricted to one thing and I’m afraid of being wrong. But then again, I have a general idea of what I am. I’m just not good at words. Anyway, this is just to give an idea of what I am.
Oh I should mention that, despite some of the terms I use, I’m not fond of the idea of being confined to just one pantheon. I’d also hate to be stuck to just one kind of environment. By "hate" and "not fond of," I mean it feels very wrong.
Did I choose to be this way? No and I can’t stop no matter how hard I’ve tried. Do I like being this way? I have mixed feelings. The more negative ones are centered around the fact that being what I think I am is impossible and I let people’s words affect me too much (a bad habit I am trying to stop). The more positive ones are because I think I am awesome. I love being what I am. Actually, even if I am nuts, then I still like being the kind of nuts I am even though I’d rather it be real. However, that in itself contributes a bit to the negative feelings since, if I love being what I think I am, that gives more fodder to the people who claim I just think I am what I am because I like it and, let’s face it, it’s really cool (or would be if I were real).
Thoughts and opinions are welcome namely because I like it when people talk to me, I can’t talk about this to anyone really, and that makes me feel lonely (which is an annoying emotion that I am trying to eradicate).
Wow. I actually managed to write that without censoring myself. Ha! I’ve probably forgot some things though. Oh well.
Oh yeah I also want to add that, yes, I have had some painful life experiences. For some reason, that automatically makes people assume I'm some depressed, broken weakling trying to escape the "real world" or "feel special." I'm not. First of all, being otherkin does not make the real world any different neither do I want to escape anything. (Dude, I'm in university studying brains and other cool stuff! Why would I want to escape that?) Also, the otherkin stuff started years before the abuse did, so unless I have some repressed memories (highly unlikely), I don't see a connection. Second of all, species does not make a person special neither do I see the appeal or understand the concept of being any more special than anyone else. Unless special means I really like myself in which case, yeah I do, but that's not dependant on being otherkin either. Third of all, I am not depressed or broken. I am capable of a variety emotions which include sadness and sometimes I can be a little too hard on myself. However, most days I'm happy and enjoying being me which, as I said, I like being regardless of if I'm otherkin or not. Fourth of all, I learned some very valuable things from those life experiences and they helped shape who I am. For example, I learned that I love life and won't let anyone take it from me or keep me from it and I gained an interest in brains which are really cool. Notably, I also gained an obsession with power which may lead some illogical people to think that's why I think I'm otherkin. Oh please. As if I would let humanity stop me. Or anything for that matter. Besides, it's completely illogical since even if I am what I think I am, that has no effect on my amount of power right now.
Sorry for the defensiveness. I've met too many people who make false assumptions about me and it pisses me off.
I'm the one with the power around here. -Rumplestiltskin