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Well, I guess sometimes it can make sense...
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Well, I guess sometimes it can make sense...
...this demonic identification, that is. Given that I already know some of the stuff I'm getting into (which is probably way more than a newer demonkin would know, I'm guessing).

So, yeah. I'm writing here now instead of studying, because writing is one of my key coping mechanisms. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> And boy, do I need to cope. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

I did mention in one of the posts I made earlier this week about being confronted with the question of what kind of man I wanted to be. This in turn implies that it doesn't seem like I was paying attention to what kind of man I was being. Basically, what spurred off that question was a good deal of anger rising to the surface in relation to others (male others) flaunting their abilities to abuse and harm women and children. Which, I'm guessing, is probably something that causes *a lot* of people a good deal of anger, myself in particular because I've been on the receiving end of it. But anyhow, someone noticed that I had "an edge" to my voice and that I did seem angry. I kind of wonder: was I not supposed to be angry?

Or was I not supposed to have an edge?

My experience is a trans*male experience, not a basic male one...and that is plainly evident when the guys at my work start talking about things that are borderline misogynistic and my alarms go up. It's also evident, to me at least, when things happen like San Francisco removing transgender exclusions from public health care (yeahh baby) and I pay close attention, or when I become nervous being seen shopping for clothes in the Men's section, or when I get anxious over cutting my hair off because then it feels like I could be targeted as trans. Or, every day when I'm trying to figure out how to present as male in the most comfortable way possible -- meaning, now that I'm cross-dressing nearly 100% of the time in public (as I've realized that dressing as a woman makes me sad), how do I make it so that I'm not hugely obviously female...especially given that I'm planning to make a move toward hormones within the next few months. (I'm just gearing up now for an ultra-low dose, to see what it feels like, and to initiate changes.)

I kind of have a lot of things to be angry about. It doesn't mean that I *desire* to be angry, but there is a lot to push me in that direction. I'd probably have to be a super-compassionate person not to be angry, and I don't know yet if I want to be that (although I have seen some try, and succeed -- they are people who I've been attracted to). It seems like a lot of people try, and get turned into doormats...which is a big reason I'm not involved in -- at least -- online Buddhist community. I'm not altogether good with "radical acceptance," at least when it comes to people who aren't me. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> When I'm accepting myself, at least *I* know that I'm doing the best I can; or where I'm failing and know I'm failing, and know I will try harder, when I can. I can't know that about anyone else.

So, this reflects back on the demonkin label because, I guess, hey: when I was more lost than I am now, and I was searching for myself, the most evident persona I had was the one associated with demons. I don't know why, but I know that out of all of my states, his was the state that was most cogent of who he was. I don't know if it had to do with the aspect of rebellion leading to my being able to define myself apart from all the messages coming at me as to who I was supposed to be, or something else. But it seems like something I need to factor in, when I'm trying to get a grasp on who I am now, in this moment. None of my other states were as clear in themselves as to who they were, and a fair number of them didn't even realize there were other states that the body experienced -- or that if there were, that they deserved as much time, attention, and care as themselves. He was, in effect, temporarily the custodian of the body and system (even as much as Rose hated him for existing).

For a long time in my youth, I was attracted to "bad boy" images, although I suppose I can say that if I am a bad boy, I seem to be intelligent enough to sweep out of the way of most of the things that could get me into trouble. No drinking, no illegal drugs, no fighting...at this point. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> But I have fire in me, and my task seems to be how to protect others from that fire...because I don't want to give it up. It's part of what makes me who I am, even as much as it hurts. But given life, there is no escaping pain. It's the other stuff in life, and the promise of the possibility of that, that enables me to go on.

What I want is to retain my fire without harming others by it (when I don't intend to, at least), and without being consumed by it. I also need to be a better judge of when it is that harm is necessary, and when situations can be defused by more intelligent means.

I'm thinking I should recap on the place I've gotten to as regards the plurality, because there are some here (Archer) <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> who may have missed the backstory. Basically, I think you were around for this part: I had some sense of other spirits near me around Winter of 2010. In particular, I was aware of two: Mist, and Bell. What happened around that time is that I feel like they helped me recover a sense of myself from before all of this started...so, basically, myself as a child. In the two years (almost exactly) since that time, I've developed a more integrated sense of myself. I am not aware at this point of whether either Mist or Bell were internal to me or external; it seems sweeter to say the former, but it may well have been the latter, and I generally operate as though the latter were so. It's better, in my mind, to err on the side of giving greater respect than lesser. And, telling someone that they're basically a creation of your brain isn't a tactic that encourages interaction. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

I am operating on the belief that Bell is in some way still an integrated part of me. I'm not sure of the etiology of the first spirit I mentioned -- the source of the demonkin identity -- Adrian. I operate on the assumption that he is an integral part of me, though he's closer to being part of my core than Bell is...he's just a more damaged part of my core; what happened to the little girl as s/he grew up. Adrian seems to be self-generated, whereas I've always tried to treat Bell as though he were external; this is over a decade after the time when I believed (erroneously or not) that I fused with Bell, however.

As for the others...most of the others I'm seeing as external at this point; though a lot of these tiny fragmentary ephemeral identities which I used to hold, who were more or less my own facets and traits clustering into little conceptual personalized bits, have been swept into myself. In particular, the female one who was always after beauty, and thought she was Bell's girlfriend -- Rose -- she's (largely) part of me now. This happened largely after I began writing a small bit creatively, and realized that she was what was called a "mask"; basically, a program which helped me get by in a world that saw me as female and a woman, but who lacked a substantive identity underneath. One of the things she really loved was to be creative, and hopefully we'll (we'll?) be getting to get back into that, soon. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I seem to have tapped some source by mentioning her name, but regardless. She also had some of our fire, but she directed it back at Adrian, which is understandable if you look at the entire dynamic in light of the fear of losing oneself (especially when you don't have a leg to stand on).

Anyhow. That's the newest version of me, and how I got to this point. Right now I'm trying to deal with the problem of how to help someone I know who is having a hard time with his self-image (not myself, though), and I realized I needed to write this out here, as it dealt with the demonkin issue...which I don't expect most to understand on other parts of the Web.
2012-11-10 7:04
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