Very Difficult Issue (Denial)

A great deal of my posting, here, on OKA, and in my LJ, has been about issues that do not really exist in my life. I am simply in denial about a great many mental blocks that I have developed and I attribute those things to rather fanciful, unrealistic phenomena, particularly my multiplicity.
Thinking about the larger picture of my life, I have realized that I have never been three separate individuals but merely one who has three distinct "default settings". My two headmates did not leave this body, they became more acceptably integrated into one person.

I am also concluding that discovery about my kintype is impossible and harmful to myself. I maintain the belief that I am of non-human origin, whatever that means. However, my personal desires and fantasies have influenced my thoughts on the subject too much for me to accurately determine anything at any point in any foreseeable future.

Thus, I'm posting this message, telling any and all who care to read it that I don't know anything of any particular value and that 99% of my interaction in this community has been bullshit, created for the purposes of keeping myself comfortable in a state of destructive ambiguity. I am not leaving the community. I am, however, making an attempt to expose myself in order to prevent my ability to lie to any of you about things that I may or may not actually know about myself.

In short, don't believe anything that I say about my multiplicity, kintype, past lives, gender or magical significance. I don't know anything at all about any of those things and I never will.

I posted this in Off Topic because I classify this as a life issue, completely irrelevant to the discussion of Otherkin, but of small importance to my membership in this community. I have used denial as a crutch in my life and now I have actually become crippled.

As one who has contributed little, I have been given much.

Malakoi Wrote:I am, however, making an attempt to expose myself in order to prevent my ability to lie to any of you about things that I may or may not actually know about myself.

But how can any of us actually know the truth about ourselves? We could all be freakin' nuts! I don't think that you're a liar just because you're going through a difficult time of pinpointing a 'kin type. Sometimes if you try too hard, nothing happens. Perhaps you should just go with the flow for awhile and maybe a revelation will hit you?

I can understand how difficult it is to try and find answers and it's very frustrating when you can't seem to find those answers. My advice is to just relax and enjoy the community and the answers will eventually come to you. And it doesn't matter if you're 'kin or not, or what type or whatever. You came here to be accepted and being this honest with us and yourself takes guts so I commend you. *hugs* Keep us posted on any progress you make.

Elinox said it best.

Xanthus Wrote:Elinox said it best.

Gratias Xan. See, sometimes I can be verbose. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

And Mal, no matter what happens or what you discover, you'll always be welcome here. *hugs*

Elinox Wrote:And Mal, no matter what happens or what you discover, you'll always be welcome here. *hugs*

Agreed, you're like part of the furniture. except more colorful. and you talk.

I thank you for this post, and I appreciate how hard it has to be to write it.
I understand it, the thoughts and concerns. All I can offer is that it's just fine. Give it time. Don't think so much about what kin-type you are, or how many you've really been, or what not. It doesn't change who you are right now.

And like Elinox and Littlechris have mentioned already, you are quite welcome here.

well dude you need a massage a cool drink a nice bath and a nice sleep on a water bad
*gives you a profesional massager an ice-box with your favorite drink and the best water bad*
and well you know why have the big concer what are you when, just knowing what you are not is enought (as you know that you are non-human and that for me is actually knowing enought <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s --> )as for the way we are walking for our answers we dont enjoy the walking we enjoy the way <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s -->(ok only i) even the super hard way trought deserts, swamps, dark forest, etc.
or i could shut up because i dont know anythink about you and just let you shout out all the pain but well even if i dont know you you are now here in this community and well isnt it nicer when somebody care ? even if it is somebody like me <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s -->.
last words and the moust important hope your misery will end soon. (well the best words would be if you are happy im happy too so cheer up but im not somebody who could say something as nice as this because i would ruin it with my voice <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s --> ).

Be who you are, no matter who you are. This is a community, and you're welcome, delusional or not.