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Trouble accomodating switching
Chordal
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Post: #1
Trouble accomodating switching
As ...I'm not out as "multiple" most places online, I've been having difficulty "switching", meaning I'm having difficulty in expression.

There are some really salient reasons that I try and stay away from "multiple" community, the largest of which is the ratio of trolls to serious systems. At this point in time...I find the term "medium" to be somewhat more on target.

The relevance it has to the reader is that my "spirits" are both Self and Other...parts of myself that are usually shunted off, out of necessity (to maintain a small/limited identity, thus focus), whereas my ultimate identity spans all of these.

Anyhow. I find the term "medium" to be useful, but I haven't tried any carnival tricks yet...

Essentially, I think I'm having problems with focus. Actually, if I look at my history since classes ended, I know I'm having problems with focus. But it can be difficult to switch out of my everyday identity into whomever it is that wants to speak. I think there's a fear-based barrier, there.

I'm having a hard time listening to myself right now, so I'll shift speakers. Hold on...

[Adrian:]
Yeah, last time we even really attempted to get into this -- we write online but are wary about letting everyone know who we are -- there was nearly immediately a post on a blog which may have been mutually following us (I didn't check and I stopped following the feed) about "schizophrenia". This was used in the ignorant sense where the speaker meant "multiple personalities" and in addition used the term just to craft a straw man in order to make a joke out of the mentally ill. This is not what schizophrenia is. Trust me. I have a doctor, I know. The term "schizophrenia" means "split brain," but it refers to a brain split away from reality, not split away from itself.

I'm going to try and not clown the person here, but seriously. Not cool. Especially as I'm better off than some people without disabilities.

Because we have been diagnosed with a schizophrenia-spectrum disorder (albeit relatively mild -- I was the only client of my last case manager who had never been hospitalized due to life-threatening emergency), this really hit a nerve, because it's like $*@& I can't even speak as myself without someone who doesn't even know what the @&&# schizophrenia is, making fun of me for being schizophrenic. And it's like I can't deny it even though the person doesn't even know that she has used the right word (for the family of disorders) for the wrong concept. Identity, singular or plural, is not a disease. And if she had done her homework, she would have known that unitary, cohesive identity is widely held to be an illusion of the brain.

Sorry about the bleeps. Kind of a trait of mine (I'm not the normal head of household here).

So...yeah. We're really creative, but having trouble getting it out. I think the main reason why we even got involved with multiple community and otherkin community at all is that when we aren't channeling our creativity into something tangible (like writing, or art, or music, or crafts), our creativity turns back in upon itself and starts to remake us (spirituality has been a key issue here). This is not an ideal circumstance, especially as I tend to depression and anxiety, and my stories can get crafted around those highly reinforced neural pathways at the same time as it goes "spiritual," thus unprovable, thus WOO.

To get along with wider society, it's much better that we channel outwardly instead of morphing ourselves. It's probably true that the self is a work of art (which really indicts some who obviously have never thought of it [I wanna grow up to be THAT GUY]), but still, you know, better to make that art deliberately.

So I am variegated. Right?

And I'm having some issues with breaking my ego-mold to let some of the other voices out, though hey, right now I'm talking to you as Adrian.

Heeey.

We really tend to write too much and not say enough (no your essay must be 5 pages, I don't care if you can say it in 1.5), though I'm quicker to get to the point.

Do we really believe our own story? Both "yes," and "hard to say." The issue with the spirits (the normal host here counts me as one, though I'm really a split that started developing in middle school) is that this never goes away. The body thinks it's moved on and then HEY! things are blank, let's call someone in to jump-start this shell. Usually me, because I'm usually the one to remind the system that it's a system and that maybe the blankness is due to blockages somewhere upstream.

And now I'm feelin' a little crazy, eh?

But, unitary identity is an illusion, and we're all pretty sure I don't have dissociative identities. I just talk about myself differently. And, gee, we're much less restrained when I'm talking, aren't we? <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> Could be a reason why I'm still around.

Since we have had others come in here who identify in some way with multiplicity, I gotta ask: do you ever forget that you're plural, and then eventually experience blankness, where it's like you've been stuck in a rut and don't know how to get out? For me, I have to break from my old ego-state and definitions of self in order to power through that wall, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure what it is or why it happens. It's like there's a microphone on, but no one's on stage, you know?

And then sometimes my habits will change as well, and I start wondering if I shifted into an undefined state that's all about cooking, or something.

Daaang. I just noted the time. I'll get to bed so I'm not a zombie in the morning, but I will try to check back soon -- hopefully I'll remember!

See you, lovies. Night night!
2015-08-03 7:43
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Elinox
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Post: #2
Re: Trouble accomodating switching
As for who's fronting and when, is it possible for you all to work out a sort of internal clock or schedule to rotate times or days? Or would it work depending on the activity/location you're at instead?

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2015-08-03 18:37
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Chordal
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Post: #3
Re: Trouble accomodating switching
Elinox Wrote:As for who's fronting and when, is it possible for you all to work out a sort of internal clock or schedule to rotate times or days? Or would it work depending on the activity/location you're at instead?
Hi Eli! <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Thanks for the response. It's taken until now for me to get OK with self-expression again...

The thing with my system is that it's really been pretty smooth, so that I'm generally not noticing who is out and when, except for when I make the conscious effort to do something I normally wouldn't do. Just recently, I let Adrian out to talk to me through the form of poetry, which was when I got the LOL from the person on my feed. Because it's been so long, though, since I was paying attention to my plurality at all, I'm unsure as to who is still with me and which new folks might have arrived. (I can count at least five, though: Adrian, Rose, Bell [we hope; he's kind of submerged most of the time], Self-Care-Person, and Host)

I know that at work, when I was feeling threatened, I would sometimes call up Adrian as a guardian...though of course, he can get aggressive, so that right now is more like a last-resort type of thing, when I ask him to be there for that reason. But I have been doing some experiments with thoughts; like the thought "no one else can make me upset; I make myself upset more than anyone else can. I am in total control of whether I get upset or not," has been helping me feel safer. When I can keep that in my mind, I do not cede control over my emotions to someone else (the latter of which makes me feel out of control/disempowered, which in turn makes me feel unsafe, because I'm already ceding power to a potential attacker). Retaining the capability of defending myself doesn't mean that I need to drive myself crazy by causing myself to feel like I could be attacked at any moment and like I'm already partially under their power. I can commit to doing whatever I need to do to neutralize a threat or keep myself safe, without feeling afraid or upset.

And then I've had times where I've had to realize that I needed to self-define as male (100% male) in the moment in order to feel alive and not suffocating/doomed.

Then there's the entire earring issue...I spent two months stretching out my (lobe) piercings with heavy-gauge rings (I felt I was in danger of losing my piercings because of lack of use). Then I went to a Womens' boutique with a lot of nice jewelry. I decided to switch back to standard jewelry, for convenience -- along with thinking I'd tie up my hair and wear long skirts and heels. Because of that quick decision, I lost the ability to wear 16g jewelry because I decided to take my surgical steel rings out...so now I'm back to "forgetting" to put in earrings at all (that's just evidence of what's been going on).

At work, I feel best, really, in masculine working clothes (even if they're made for women; I found a vintage shirt like this at the above boutique, though it would have been expensive at retail); but I have to maintain some standard of professionalism.

I know that generally, I dress femininely when off of work. Dressing in a feminine manner both attracts attention and makes it more difficult for me to defend myself, and there have been times when I've felt that it wasn't wise for me to dress in gear I couldn't fight in, there. Things have calmed down since then, though.

The way my system works...even though I'm not entirely certain who is here and not, I still have a lot of different ideas about what I can do with my free time and how I'd like to live the rest of my life. Because I'm only one person, though, with one timeline...I don't have time (or money) to do everything. Right now I've been focusing in on cooking, because I've found that when I'm anxious about creative work, cooking and cleaning and doing other necessary things actually helps me. It helps the entire system. But this is really new. Maybe I got a self-care spirit helping me out? <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

I've just realized a connection I didn't have before, though it's been flitting in and out of my mind for the past 10 minutes. When I'm overwhelmed with possibilities as to what to do, I have a tendency to stall and choose not to do anything, which may be related to resistance to creating a hierarchy in my mind. The resource of time is being distributed equally, but in the meantime, no one's doing anything because our brain is being indecisive.

But to answer your question...how I am depends on when you catch me. Our time is divided between locations and activities. The problem is that I have a lot of unstructured time during which I don't necessarily know what to do, and I'm not certain who wants to do what...

Got to go, will be back later. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->
2015-08-04 2:19
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Chordal
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Post: #4
Re: Trouble accomodating switching
I just realized...in the framework of multiplicity, maybe it's been difficult to decide what to do because whoever's out front doesn't want to pretend to be someone else.
2015-08-04 5:16
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