Archer Wrote:I think if it was easy to share, it wouldn't be a Dolorous Stroke.
True, but sharing is also part of the cure. Our resistance to sharing with others is part of our resistance to acceptance within ourselves. So, in that spirit...
In school, I was the student that all the teachers loved to hate, bright, talented, and lazy. No matter how I tried, I couldn't keep up with the pile of assignments they kept giving me, and as the year wore on I tried less and less. They tried to reason with me, guilt me, plead with me, ignore me, publicly shame me, anything they could think of within their power to do. My Mom even took me to psychologist who gave me several hundred dollars worth of tests. The verdict was that I was 'well adjusted' and an 'excellent problem solver' so the very nervous psych tried to convince me that I was just stressed. Well, duh. (This was before everyone and their dog had ADD.) Looking back, I think it had more to do with being seasonally bipolar. My grades were usually good in the fall, and dropped off in winter. By the time spring came around it was too late to pull it out of the crapper. The combination of depression and stress caused me to emotionally shut down during the winter months. That was the part that scared me the most...during those times when I was able to be afraid. No one ever asked the right questions. They were too busy condemning me to actually look at the patterns. And between becoming emotionally numb and having this dumb warrior instinct that says 'show no weakness to the enemy' everyone thought I just didn't care, so they took that as a license to push even harder. As a result, my self-esteem and confidence was shot to hell, and I was terrified of anything that made me feel like I was back in that situation.
Well, since then I graduated top of my class in college, granted, it wasn't a huge class. That let me know that the problem was not academic in nature. I haven't done so well on the job front, as expected. I hate letting someone have that much authority over me. I just don't trust it. But I've been working independently for more than a year, and my students give my class good reviews. I plan to get more certifications under my belt so I can do more contract work of that nature. Change is slow, but it's moving. And I can tell the story now without getting upset all over again.