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Seeking Truth
Emilia
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Seeking Truth
Hello, my name is Emilia (actually, that's my middle name, but I prefer to be called so). I apologize in advance if my ideas seem scattered or if I go off-topic, I may have some for of ADD. Also, I apologize for any typos, my keyboard is having issues. Anyway..

It took me a while to find you, but I'm finally here.

I've always known I was a little different, but I never knew exactly what it was that made me different, or what I was. When I was a child, I would often associate myself with anything that wasn't human. I took to imitating the family pets, following the dogs around on all fours and doing ANYTHING they did (drinking water, eating grass and/or dog food...), and I rarely tired of it. Sometimes I would crawl into my father's lap and purr like a kitten (not some fake tongue-rolling, but actual throat vibrations).

When I got older, I had to accept the fact that this was socially unacceptable, and had to stop. That was around the same time my step-father began to sexually abuse me. At first I thught nothing of it, and that maybe the doctor had told him to do these things, and later realized how horribly wrong it was. Anyway, new symptoms started to appear in me, like insomnia and constant nausea, and the nausea often intensified if I stayed outside for too long. I have an aunt on my mothers side, as well as my fathers mother, who get 'sun sick' as well, and I was later told that my symptoms, other than the 'sun sickness', were signs of anxiety.
But before I was diagnosed with anxiety probles due to abuse, I thought I was a vampire of some sort. I think my brother may also be some sort of psychic vampire, because people around him often feel drained, and he always seems so full of energy, even when everyone around him looks ready to drop dead. All this led me to think vampirism in my family is genetic.

For a while I was also disturbed by the fact that nobody, including my grandmother, knows who my father's father is. I thought maybe he was the offspring of an incubus or some sort of demon, and this probably looks weird.

I've had an older man, a former friend of my Aunt, tell me I am an 'esper'. For a while I believed him, and he encourages me often to pracice working with my gifts. He promised he would get to training me, but he still hasn't been making any effort, as far as I know.

I've had a lot of strange flashbacks and dreams and memories that my councillor associates with PTSD, but a lot of these things that I remember haven't anything to do with this life. The things I see aren't things I've seen in all the years of my life, and the elder 'esper' thought maybe I'm remembering a past life. I even remember dying. Mor than once. I remember once was by fire. There wasn't much to that memory, except I've retained a terrible fear of fire from that life (or death,rather). I've also drowed. That memory came to me as a dream, and I wasn't sure it was a memory, but it was very vivid, except in the end where I'm sure I shoudld have had a burning sensation in my throat from the water coming in. I was falling, falling, falling, until I hit the water. Or something right above the water. Until that point, I know I had been struggling to hold on to something, anything, but I couldn't stop myself. When I hit bottom, I felt relief at first, but then there was a change in me. I had had enough, and was ready to die. At that, the last barrier was broken, and I sunk. I let myself sink. And I could feel myself suffocating as I drowned. There was something else in the water, and it looked like one of those mermaid things from Harry Potter. That part ay have been just my imagination adding things to the dream.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I believe anymore, and when I was going through all sorts of research, I found an article about Otherkin, and I thought that with your help, I might finally find the truth I'm looking for.
2011-06-12 3:12
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