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Re-introduction (it might only serve a purpose to me)
Jenzi
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School, sadly. But I hope to create games someday, specializing in character creation. It beats giving birth XD Currently I'm studying to be a IT-specialist, focusing mostly on programming. Even though I suck at it XDD
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Post: #1
Re-introduction (it might only serve a purpose to me)
Pre-script: I am really sorry about how long this turned out to be. I advise everyone to stop reading about now. You might be bored. Or left wondering what the hell I was thinking. After I've pressed 'submit', reread this piece and maybe fixed typos, I'm probably wondering what I was thinking too.


After a lot of thought, though not necessarily on this subject, I decided I'm going to re-introduce myself. I have some things I'd like to type out, so you might have a clearer view of me. Do you need a clearer view, or want one for that matter? I doubt it. So if it's completely inappropriate, complain to some admin and have them remove the post. Or do it yourself, if you can.

You should know, I'm not a great communicator. I usually start of too distant or sharing the wrong information. The things at which people usually smile politely, give a little awkward laugh and look for a reason to excuse themselves from talking to me further. Oddly enough, I am getting better at smalltalk. The weather, odd jokes, 'witty' comments about everyday stuff. I still scare kids though. But I'm sure you've guessed it by now, I have a part time job at a store. At least half of my time there is spent working at the cash register. Not what I wanted to tell you, but still something that might explain the mistakes I will probably make.

This is actually what I wanted to tell you:

I don't remember much from my childhood. it's almost like I wasn't there. What I do remember is pretending to be a horse. Full-time. It never bothered me. I never knew it was 'wrong'. Actually, I didn't stop until I was in the last year of pre-school. Where I live, you have pre-school from roughly 4 to 12. I essentially lived inside my own universe. Horses were my life. Horseriding was my life.

I started middle/high school and it all went away. I do still like horses, but I have no affinity with them. I doubt I did when I was little - I just wanted to learn as much about them, be as much around them and be as happy as I could. (what do you mean, I was obsessed?)

Either way, to me that shows that I'm not my best judge. I was unable to see I didn't fit into society then, so it might be I'm completely wrong even being on this forum. I wouldn't know. You tell me. Am I at the right place? Answer me that if you please, after reading through the rest of this rant. You've come this far.

The friend I mentioned in the other post, in the dreams and experiences subforum? He mentioned otherkin to me. I don't remember exactly how and why it fit into the conversation. It took me close to a week to even bother typing it into google. This guy however, he's been saying he's a demon for as long as I know him. That's about five years now. I never gave it much though because.. well, why would I? It's his business if he believes he's a demon. As long as I can believe he doesn't mean that christian/demonology crap that mentions demons like Asmodeus/Asmodai, it's okay with me. I prefer to think of demons and angels as two similar things. Somewhat like guides that may or may not actually choose to guide you. And with a demon, I believe, it's somewhat like rolling a many sided dice (and I do mean many, many sides). There's probably a method to get the result you want, but not many people will be able to turn theory into practice, and even then you're relying on estimates. But I suppose the dice aren't a very good metaphor. I doubt a dice will just spring an extra side, or place more weight on one side than on the other because it's in the mood to do so.

Anyway, back to that friend. He's a demon. He sees ghosts. Or shadows. Or both. I'm not sure. He's older than I am, much more into the whole spirituality things. Dreams of past lives, dreams of metaphors for pastlives, visions, the things I usually only read in fiction. Because that's what I like to read, because they sometimes have interesting points of view on reality and it's possibilities. And when they don't, they're still fun to read. Anyways, how do I say this without sounding delusional? Oh right, I don't. He says he 'owns' my soul. Or some such. Whatever. I'm not overly aware of my soul as I'm alive, so I'll just see what happens whenever I die. So by now, he's switched from finding it 'possible' that I may be otherkin, to me being human, to me being a demon-tainted human. The only actual odd thing he's noticed, is that I'm the only other one' he imagines/sees/whatever-it-is-that-you-do-in-your-mind with wings. You might want to reread that sentence. The dashes make it a little bit easier to follow, but not that much. Anyway, the only other one besides himself that is. Why? I've asked that a lot. He says he just does. Kay boss, whatever you say. I'll ask again next week.

My only problems are those wings. Curiosity is killing me, or at least making me want to throw a tantrum. You do throw tantrums right? I'm not sure. I wanted wings once, because I saw the idea of angels as an idea of beauty and grace I feel I didn't have. I still don't feel I have beauty or grace, but I don't want to be an angel. There's not much of a point (and my idea of what an angel is has changed a bit since then). I'm sure I'd find something else I'd want to be.

Yet still, those wings..

Since I read about otherkin, there's been the pressure I described in the post I mentioned earlier, the one in dreams and experiences. It's gotten worse over time. I would attribute it to stress, but it's a weird spot for stress, physical stress or emotional/mental/whatever. Besides that, I've become less stressed over the past week and the feeling hasn't decreased. Could that feeling mean he's right about imagining me with wings? Possibly. But in pretending to be horse, my imagination was so vivid I could almost feel a horse's ears moving, changing in position with a change of attention or mood. Who's to say it's not my imagination now?

So now you know what I'm doing here. I'm here to find out what it means to be otherkin, even if I'm not. He is, and since he matters to me, I want to understand. And now, even if I do find I believe I'm fully human, I'm curious about the wings. The pressure might be a fluke, but I'll want to be certain before I leave. Curiosity killed the cat you know.

"My starkest madness seeming is divinest sense." - the dreamers from Morrowind.
2008-05-24 20:50
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scars
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housedad
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Post: #2
Re: Re-introduction (it might only serve a purpose to me)
Welcome.
2008-05-24 21:06
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chaitea
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Post: #3
Re: Re-introduction (it might only serve a purpose to me)
Scars – I guess it’s always important to make everyone welcome, even if they have been here since February. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

Jenzi - Uh oh, looks like we have a new contender for the longest intro (you definitely won in the Re-Intro category, though).

Thanks for the warning, but too bad those just make me want to jump the fence anyhow.

---

[Edit: Just finished]

Satisfaction brought him back, though

Recognizing new self discoveries is fun. And I personally don’t see you having made a new intro in breach of any rules. We do want an intro from each user but there’s thus for not a ban on making multiple ones (Guess cause there’s not usually a need to do such). If it dose cause any issues, we could always just merge it with your original intro so either we your stuff is safe and about.

I personally don’t think society fits in with society too much, so an individual feeling as though they don’t fit in either just goes to assure me how right I think I am.
As for judges, take what we cough up as a different perspective and you be the final judge when it comes to where you feel you are.

I’m going to assume the guy you mentioned is joking when he tells you that he “owns [your] soul.” Only maybe possible (yet still outlandish) way that might happen is if you gave him something over you or what not. I’d say to smack him around for while asking “if you own my soul, then make me stop, *****” but that’s cause I’m a bad influence. <!-- s:twisted: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_twisted.gif" alt=":twisted:" title="Twisted Evil" /><!-- s:twisted: -->

As for him switching up what you may or may not be, I wouldn’t call that the makings for the most reliable source on your spiritual nature.
Has anyone else said anything about you having wings or seeing them? Have you ever actually felt the phantom sensation yourself? Those can add to a more dependable answer.

My best recommendation is going to be one you’ve probably already heard a million times from kin sites, but here’s my rendition of it:
Meditiation, energy work, self reflection, yadda yadda, blahdiblah. And throw a cup of tea on that list somewhere.
So get some other perspectives and look into your own as well.

I wish you the best of luck on your way to self discovery and commend you for being open-minded enough to take various factors into consideration already.

As for angel’s thing: angels aren’t the only winged thing about this community, let alone the only sort with feathery wings. Also, beauty is on the eyes of the beholder (I behold angels to be less beautiful and more ridiculously corny) as for grace, for something that has been known to fall (and when they fall, boy can some of them land), I don’t know if I’d use that term to describe the lot of ‘em. <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin --> (Adding smiles makes things look less offensive)
Also, I don’t believe that one’s kin identity doesn’t always show threw their human form. Some very ugly people can have beautiful souls (and vice versa).

Home is where the hoard is
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2008-05-24 23:37
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Jenzi
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School, sadly. But I hope to create games someday, specializing in character creation. It beats giving birth XD Currently I'm studying to be a IT-specialist, focusing mostly on programming. Even though I suck at it XDD
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Post: #4
Re: Re-introduction (it might only serve a purpose to me)
Thank you very much for taking me seriously.

I would love to give him a kick between the legs sometime, but most of the time it doesn't bother me much. It's probably just a way to feel connected.

Lol no, but as I said, I might not be the most reliable source either. So far my boyfriend knows about me hanging out here, and I tried to explain what otherkin is, but he doesn't seem into it. Actually, I think he feels just about everyone here is a loon, but hey, that's what he loves about me anyway. So nope, no one else.

Usually when I just sit and relax, and calm down enough for my imagination to start working without my saying so, I can imagine the wings when the pressure's there. But my imagination doesn't stop there, it usually gives me a tail too. Somewhat like a cat's tail in how it works. As in, if it were there, I'd flick the tip back and forth if I were irritated. Actually, I haven't told anyone about the tail yet. I figured it was just my imagination. Especially since the wings and the tail seem like additions to a humanoid body rather than me feeling anything else is wrong about the body.

Sidenote: sitting and relaxing is probably as close to meditation as I'll ever be, seeing how if I don't focus on something, my mind will focus on something else and follow a trail of thoughts until it ends up somewhere else entirely. Even when I focus pointedly on nothing, or on empty, I'll end up somewhere else. I like the cup of tea though, I'll be sure to do that!

Lol I know, there's all sorts of creatures with wings. Including those feathered snakes from Aztec mythology I think.. And thank you, I like how you see angels XD

Again, thank you for reading it and taking the time to respond ^^

"My starkest madness seeming is divinest sense." - the dreamers from Morrowind.
2008-05-25 6:55
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