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Re-Evaluation
Seraphyna
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Post: #1
Re-Evaluation
(If any other staff think this would go better somewhere else, I won't be offended if you move it <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->)

*Before I begin, I'd like to say that if this turns into a nitpick session, like my Balancers article turned into, I'll lock and/or remove this post.*

Miniar was nice enough to play "kick Sera's butt" in OKP chat today, so here's my new and improved post on the whole wiping the slate clean thing.

As my other post said, I'm starting with the core of what I believe about myself, and building back up from there. Now, it's not that I doubt what I am...but the specifics can always use a revisiting and after the madness of my Balancers article at OKP, I do feel that maybe what I feel I know has been me filling in the blanks and relying too much on what "feels right" or "makes sense".

So without further ado here is what I've stripped my identity down to (with extra commentary in blue):

energetic being-Created by higher power. Drawn to gargoyles and mermaids. Due to shifty stuff and phantom parts that don't correspond to winged humanoid me.

phantom limbs-wings (tingling and weight), paws, claws/talons, cat-like shoulder blades, fangs, fish-like tail (when I'm in water), fins, scales.

mental shifts-sunotherkin? predatory, highly confident almost to a fault, ruthless, sexual, protective. I basically feel like I'm me 24/7...as in other me and human me constantly, but the degree to which I'm one or the other shifts.

interesting shift thing in general-I can trigger shifts if I think about it to whatever animal, plant, thing I wish to experience, which is a main reason I identify as a polymorph. However, the winged humanoid thing is always there. I always feel phantom wings, but concentrating on them makes their presence better known. I cannot trigger a "celestial" mental shift, they just kind of happen.

"memories"-silver city: lush forests, waterfall, river, spiralling towers. self description-winged humanoid (1 or 3 pairs of wings), red hair, grey or violet eyes. clothing-flowy robes, bright silver/white chainmail flowy thing.
--> all from 3rd person perspective, 2 past life regressions, 2 people "remember" me and share some of my memories And all I did was say my name and off they went on recounting what they remembered. Other than a "go on" they got no feedback from me. Now, I doubt that it's shared cryptoamnesia as I'd never me these people and we came from very different backgrounds. I don't have chat logs as it was 4 years ago (a little over 4 years ago at this point). They came to me via past life regression that was a guided visualization type of thing, no one egged me on either. They were the same both times I did a regression and the same emotions came up with them. It's not something I'd like to remember about myself.

innate feelings-Drawn to oposing forces (chaos/order, creation/desctruction, dark/light, or some other dichotomy that humans can't fathom) and balance. I do feel that I've never been physical before (first incarnation) and am in the wrong body, that it was never "quite right" (lack of attachment to the physical or to most other people).
The last point in parentheses could be because I have1 never quite felt entirely human or that I "belong here". It could also do with the fact that I'm adopted and keep people at a distance. I don't feel connected to most of my family, but that could very well be because I am not biologically related to them and my parents have been emotionally abusive since I was little. As for my body, for a long time I hated it...I felt it was wrong. It was too fat, not attractive, too solid, it's just not right. For the better part of about 12 years (6th grade through college) I struggled with self injury and depression. However, since fully accepting all of me (the non-human bits too) I've been much happier.odd stuff-primary body heat loss through feet (for most people it's through their head), during heightened emotions (arousal and anger especially) feel energy biting along my skin so hot that it's cool. The first odd thing could just be a weird human thing, just want to include all of it.

end of past life-surrounded by bright, white-hot, energy, "brought it upon myself," lost myself, existed in stasis before incarnation.Fallen?

abilities-empathy (psychologically blocked at the moment). I know that doesn't point to anything specific, just felt I should include it. I was a pretty strong empath in middle school, but because I was struggling with self injury and depression I seemed to only pick up on negative emotions...so I shut it out...and haven't been able to turn it back on.

When it all boils down, I have memories that may or may not actually mean something, I feel a connection to gargoyle and mermaid, I have mental and phantom shifts corresponding to gargoyle, mermaid, and a winged humanoid, and at my core I feel like a blob of sentient energy that was created for a purpose...because of the shifty things and phantom bits I'm inclined to say a polymorphic ball of sentient energy.

Miniar's right when he says that me wanting to know and feeling like I need to know (yeah it bugs me to no end) the specifics is probably why I keep having the need to work it out over and over again. I feel like there's no way to 100% be sure, but I want to know (talk about a typing contradiction).

I wish I could stay away from the online community...I really do. However, I just can't bring myself to for any length of time. But I'm going to do my best to not be too bugged by not having specifics that I currently fully accept as me. I do have memories of Balancers and what they do, but that doesn't mean I am one, right?

I'm looking forward to the weather getting warmer, I really do dislike meditating inside and more regular meditation would probably do me good.

Again, commentary is welcome. I'm trying to shove aside all of how I identified up to this point to rebuild from the beginning once again...so forget what you've known of my personal beliefs up to this point.

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"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost."-Tolkien
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2009-03-14 18:17
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Post: #2
Re: Re-Evaluation
My celestial bits are sort of mish mashed too. That's why in one post I might talk like an angel, in another an energy being, a polymorph, a therian, etc. It's all true in one sense or another, but it's not very ordered and I hesitate to impose an order on it, because invariably something important might be left out. Or something that doesn't fit might be thrown in. It's like hitting a dart board, the darts come close to the target in one way or another, but I haven't quite hit bullseye yet. But studying the location of the darts might give me a clue where bullseye might be hidden.

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2009-03-14 18:29
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Post: #3
Re: Re-Evaluation
Good luck on your journey.
Just don't rush yourself, give yourself time to relax. No need to find out everything so quickly, you have the rest of this life to know what you are, and probably many lives from now. ^_^
2009-03-15 6:28
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Post: #4
Re: Re-Evaluation
Seraphyna Wrote:*Before I begin, I'd like to say that if this turns into a nitpick session, like my Balancers article turned into, I'll lock and/or remove this post.*

That line is why I've avoided replying for some time - in fact tonight is the first time I've read this post. I want to just clarify one thing, though, while at the same time not attempting to re-Balancers this. From my perspective at least, I was not nitpicking you. I simply saw things that did not seem to make sense to me (for one reason or another) and wanted either an explanation, so they would make sense - or an acknowledgement that they didn't.

That said, on to the rest of your post:

Quote:As my other post said, I'm starting with the core of what I believe about myself, and building back up from there. Now, it's not that I doubt what I am...but the specifics can always use a revisiting and after the madness of my Balancers article at OKP, I do feel that maybe what I feel I know has been me filling in the blanks and relying too much on what "feels right" or "makes sense".

Good plan. What "feels right" and "makes sense" is important to your identity, of course - but it's important to what you could roughly term your "ideal self" rather than your "actual self". How a person perceives themself (and thus what feels right) is rarely quite the same as how they actually are.

On a very basic level, the majority of people say their sense of humour is above average - which is obviously impossible. That perception is part of who they are, but it doesn't tell us anything about what their sense of humour is actually like.

Quote:energetic being-Created by higher power. Drawn to gargoyles and mermaids. Due to shifty stuff and phantom parts that don't correspond to winged humanoid me.

When you say you are drawn to gargoyles, do you mean you're drawn to decorative water spouts or do you mean you're drawn to small stone demon-ish creatures, or something else? Why do you believe you were created by a higher power? Is this simply an instinctive feeling of what is right, or do you have specific reasons (which you, of course, do not have to share)?

Quote:mental shifts-sunotherkin? predatory, highly confident almost to a fault, ruthless, sexual, protective. I basically feel like I'm me 24/7...as in other me and human me constantly, but the degree to which I'm one or the other shifts.

Is there a reason for you believing that your predatory, highly confident (etc) mindset is a shift into your non human nature, as opposed to your personality or a shift into a more desired personality?

Quote:interesting shift thing in general-I can trigger shifts if I think about it to whatever animal, plant, thing I wish to experience, which is a main reason I identify as a polymorph. However, the winged humanoid thing is always there. I always feel phantom wings, but concentrating on them makes their presence better known.

Why do you consider these shifts, as opposed to an (empathic?) ability to understand thing's from an animal's point of view?

Quote:I cannot trigger a "celestial" mental shift, they just kind of happen.

This says to me that your celestial mental shifts are qualitatively different from your other shifts, and so of interest. Are you able to describe these shifts at all?

Quote:"memories"-silver city: lush forests, waterfall, river, spiralling towers. self description-winged humanoid (1 or 3 pairs of wings), red hair, grey or violet eyes. clothing-flowy robes, bright silver/white chainmail flowy thing.
--> all from 3rd person perspective, 2 past life regressions, 2 people "remember" me and share some of my memories And all I did was say my name and off they went on recounting what they remembered. Other than a "go on" they got no feedback from me. Now, I doubt that it's shared cryptoamnesia as I'd never me these people and we came from very different backgrounds. I don't have chat logs as it was 4 years ago (a little over 4 years ago at this point). They came to me via past life regression that was a guided visualization type of thing, no one egged me on either. They were the same both times I did a regression and the same emotions came up with them. It's not something I'd like to remember about myself.

I'm a little confused about this. What do you mean by saying the two people who remembered you came to you via past life regression?

You said the contents of the regression were in third person. As such, is it possible that you were seeing someone other than yourself (either a literal person who exists/existed, or someone standing as a metaphor for something)?

Quote:innate feelings-Drawn to oposing forces (chaos/order, creation/desctruction, dark/light, or some other dichotomy that humans can't fathom) and balance. I do feel that I've never been physical before (first incarnation) and am in the wrong body, that it was never "quite right" (lack of attachment to the physical or to most other people).
The last point in parentheses could be because I have1 never quite felt entirely human or that I "belong here". It could also do with the fact that I'm adopted and keep people at a distance. I don't feel connected to most of my family, but that could very well be because I am not biologically related to them and my parents have been emotionally abusive since I was little.


That could also lead to you feeling drawn to opposing forces. It could be that one of the results of your difficult childhood was you not having a firm sense of identity, and coming to associate yourself with opposites as a result. On a very basic level, your emotionally abusive parents meant that the "parent" idea - the single most important concept to a child, and the only concept for a young child - was both "protective" (gave you food, water, shelter) and "harmful" (emotionally abused you).

I can see that this could, in general, lead you to associate opposites with one another.

Further, a way to rationalise the emotional abuse might be to identify with opposites. "These are my parents and they love me, but they also hurt me" is something difficult to understand, especially for a child. But if that child - consciously or unconsciously - creates a worldview of "but opposites go together, in fact my role is in uniting opposites" then parental abuse fits in better and can be understood.

I am not saying this is what is or was going on in your mind; simply that from what you have said, the one could follow the other.


Quote:As for my body, for a long time I hated it...I felt it was wrong. It was too fat, not attractive, too solid, it's just not right. For the better part of about 12 years (6th grade through college) I struggled with self injury and depression. However, since fully accepting all of me (the non-human bits too) I've been much happier.odd stuff-primary body heat loss through feet (for most people it's through their head), during heightened emotions (arousal and anger especially) feel energy biting along my skin so hot that it's cool. The first odd thing could just be a weird human thing, just want to include all of it.

Are the weird temperature things things that you yourself perceive about your own body, or things that others have noticed?

Feeling that your body is wrong and self-injuring could both be products of abusive parents, rather than/as well as not being human.

Accepting the non-human things could lead to increased happiness due to it being the truth, and you better understanding yourself - or it could lead to increased happiness as it gives a more pleasant explanation for your quirks than "one set of parents gave me up for adoption, and the second set abused me."

Again, I am not saying that is the case for you - simply throwing it out there as an alternative explantion.

Quote:end of past life-surrounded by bright, white-hot, energy, "brought it upon myself," lost myself, existed in stasis before incarnation.Fallen?

A sensation of having brought suffering upon oneself is also common among people who have been abused.

Is this memory isolated, or is it connected to others? Under what circumstances did you recall it?

Quote:abilities-empathy (psychologically blocked at the moment). I know that doesn't point to anything specific, just felt I should include it. I was a pretty strong empath in middle school, but because I was struggling with self injury and depression I seemed to only pick up on negative emotions...so I shut it out...and haven't been able to turn it back on.

I'm now starting to sound like a broken record, heh heh.

First of all I'll go on record as saying that I do not really believe in empathy as a parnormal or psychic skill or ability. I think it's certainly possible - but almost every time (in fact, quite possibly every time) I've seen otherkin talk about it, it seems to me to be the bog standard psychological process of understanding or assuming how other people feel. (There's a word for people who lack psychological empathy: it's sociopath.)

Now, on to the broken record bit . . . when you were depressed, you could only feel negative emotions in people around you. This is completely normal for depression. It's normal for depressed people to believe that those around them are experiencing negative emotions, and to further believe that they themselves are incapable of experiencing positive emotions.

Why? Well, psychologically speaking, empathy is about looking at someone else in a situation different from your own, and working out what it would feel like to be in that situation (as an unconscious process). If a depressed person can look at someone sitting on a park bench and think "Hmm, I bet he feels really happy right now" then that's very close to the idea that "Hmm, if I sat on the bench and looked at the trees and kids playing, I might feel happy to" - and depression blocks those thoughts. In a really rough sense, if people with depression could empathise normally they could see what makes people happy and then work out how to make themselves happy. (Gross over-simplification to make a point!)

Quote:When it all boils down, I have memories that may or may not actually mean something,

I think all memories mean something.

I think two things are important to remember, though.

1 - Not all memories are literally true. The certainty with which a memory is held is not a good indicator of its accuracy, and neither are emotions associated with it. Something feel profoundly correct, but not necessarily be so.

2 - Remembering being someone does not mean that you are that someone. To use myself as an example, I remember what my other half's (I'm a multiple) like was like. I remember day to day activities, I remember falling in love, I remember grieving, I remember quite a bit. The memories aren't mine, though - they're someone else's. My experiencing them doesn't mean they happened to me.

For a more day to day illustration of that point, I could dream that I'm the captain of a starship. In the morning I'll remember the dream. Does that mean I really was the captain of a starship? No, it just means I remember it.

Quote:I feel a connection to gargoyle and mermaid, I have mental and phantom shifts corresponding to gargoyle, mermaid, and a winged humanoid, and at my core I feel like a blob of sentient energy that was created for a purpose...because of the shifty things and phantom bits I'm inclined to say a polymorphic ball of sentient energy.

Same question about gargoyles as before.

Regarding the ball of sentient energy - can you describe any characteristics the energy has? Either with literal terms, or though metaphor, or through something that might be one or the other?

Specifically, does that ball of energy have any traits or characteristics that are notably different from how you are now in this life?

Quote:Miniar's right when he says that me wanting to know and feeling like I need to know (yeah it bugs me to no end) the specifics is probably why I keep having the need to work it out over and over again. I feel like there's no way to 100% be sure, but I want to know (talk about a typing contradiction).

In general (broken record returns), people who were adopted have a great need to know who they are and where they came from. No matter how much the adoptive parents love the adopted child, they can't give that child the first hand story of his or her birth. They can't describe how they planned to make a baby - or were surprised to find one was on its way. No matter how close adopted children are to their adoptive family, they can't look at them and see the same features on their faces. They can't think back to a famous ancestor and tell themselves that they share his or her genes. I know: two of my four brothers are adopted.

Adopted people tend to have a driving need to know about themselves . . . I would imagine that people adopted into abusive families have an even greater need to know, an understanding that abuse as a child changed them, a desire to see what the "real" them should have been.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that no matter how much you need to know something, it doesn't help to jump to conclusions - and it's okay to have a very big box marked "I'm not sure."

Quote:I wish I could stay away from the online community...I really do. However, I just can't bring myself to for any length of time. But I'm going to do my best to not be too bugged by not having specifics that I currently fully accept as me. I do have memories of Balancers and what they do, but that doesn't mean I am one, right?

Exactly - all having memories of Balancers means is that you have memories of them. Everything else is speculation.

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

Quote:"I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a hell of a lot more if I had been understood."

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2009-04-22 5:31
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Post: #5
Re: Re-Evaluation
Archer Wrote:When you say you are drawn to gargoyles, do you mean you're drawn to decorative water spouts or do you mean you're drawn to small stone demon-ish creatures, or something else?
Haven't we had this conversation before? lol I mean I'm drawn to a being that resembles the statues. A cross between a lion and a dragon that doesn't strike me as more one than the other but an even mix of both. I call it a gargoyle because the word evokes the correct image of the type of "animal" I'm talking about. I don't mean water spouts or statues, just the "look" so to speak. If I had a better word for it (I'm not too fond of being overly verbose, ie I'm pretty against constantly saying something like "so I identify with an 'animal' that resembles a gargoyle statue, but I can't use the term gargoyle because it's not a statue and didn't come from planet earth anyhow")I'd use it.

Archer Wrote:Why do you believe you were created by a higher power? Is this simply an instinctive feeling of what is right, or do you have specific reasons (which you, of course, do not have to share)?

It's more of an instinctive thing coupled with it just making sense...which I'm aware isn't exactly completely solid, but it's something I can't shake.

Archer Wrote:Is there a reason for you believing that your predatory, highly confident (etc) mindset is a shift into your non human nature, as opposed to your personality or a shift into a more desired personality?

Well, in some cases I could consider it a desired personality, but sometimes it's just so random and not triggered by anything specific that it seems to be something more/other than an alter ego of human me so to speak.

Archer Wrote:Why do you consider these shifts, as opposed to an (empathic?) ability to understand thing's from an animal's point of view?

Well, for one, it works with non-animals (meaning plants) too. It's not just a mental thing. I don't feel what they feel so to speak (of course that's assuming animal emotions work just like human ones which they very well may not). I get phantom sensations from them (mainly limbs), some behavioral urges (all controllable). It's more of a sort of becoming the animal for however long, or short, thinking "well that was interesting" and moving on. Sometimes it just kind of happens, but if I think of an animal I can basically trigger at least phantom limbs from it. I don't have to be near the animal, plant.

Archer Wrote:This says to me that your celestial mental shifts are qualitatively different from your other shifts, and so of interest. Are you able to describe these shifts at all?

To be fair, the gargoyle type shifts just kind of happen as well, but I *can* trigger both it's just that they're the only "real shifts" (meaning ones that are most noticeable to myself and apparently my mother) that happen on their own.

Well there are the phantom limbs, wings, which are always there as a weight and/or tingling on my back. Mentally, it's kind of like an ego trip and PMS squished together with a bit of rage. Ego trips are really out of character for me, PMS other than the usual PMSy time of the month, and I just get really really easy to anger...usually it takes some prodding to push me over my tipping point, but in these instances you could basically look at me funny and I'd have the urge to be not so friendly. Mind you I don't act on them, but they're still there.

Archer Wrote:I'm a little confused about this. What do you mean by saying the two people who remembered you came to you via past life regression?

No I mean the memories popped up via past life regression and I happened to come across two people online who shared said memories.

Archer Wrote:You said the contents of the regression were in third person. As such, is it possible that you were seeing someone other than yourself (either a literal person who exists/existed, or someone standing as a metaphor for something)?

Even if it wasn't in third person that's a possibility. However, the emotions attached to said "memories" really do make me feel/think that it's more than that and I'm as certain as one can be that it wasn't a literal person.

Archer Wrote:Further, a way to rationalise the emotional abuse might be to identify with opposites. "These are my parents and they love me, but they also hurt me" is something difficult to understand, especially for a child. But if that child - consciously or unconsciously - creates a worldview of "but opposites go together, in fact my role is in uniting opposites" then parental abuse fits in better and can be understood.

I am not saying this is what is or was going on in your mind; simply that from what you have said, the one could follow the other.

One very well could have followed the other, but I'm pretty sure (at least as far back as I can remember...elementary school probably about 3rd grade on) I've never thought/felt the whole "they love me" part. A desire to be rid of them, to leave and never return, that they're giant hypocrites, that they have plenty of issues they either cannot or will not explore, but I've never been attached to them. Maybe because on some level I knew they weren't my parents because the "real me" isn't from planet earth or because I share no more genes with them than I share with you.

Archer Wrote:Are the weird temperature things things that you yourself perceive about your own body, or things that others have noticed?

Others have noticed that I'm basically never cold, the losing heat through my feet thing has only been noticed in that my feet are never cold...but my feet being the main area of heat loss is something I've noticed. If I need to cool down, uncover my feet and it's done. Covering my head (like for most people) makes no difference.

Archer Wrote:Feeling that your body is wrong and self-injuring could both be products of abusive parents, rather than/as well as not being human.

Again, I agree. For a long time I thought my body was subpar as a human body in American society and that it just isn't "right".

Archer Wrote:Accepting the non-human things could lead to increased happiness due to it being the truth, and you better understanding yourself - or it could lead to increased happiness as it gives a more pleasant explanation for your quirks than "one set of parents gave me up for adoption, and the second set abused me."

Again, I am not saying that is the case for you - simply throwing it out there as an alternative explantion.

It is, but I'd think it would be something to come and go if it were a psychological manifestation and not something that's always there. At any rate, maybe otherkin is a psychological phenomenon in part or whole, maybe it's all in my head, or maybe I'm "right".

Archer Wrote:A sensation of having brought suffering upon oneself is also common among people who have been abused.
Is this memory isolated, or is it connected to others? Under what circumstances did you recall it?

It's the "end" of any memory I've recalled. Me basically attempting to destroy myself and failing miserably. If other people hadn't shared this part too, I'd say it's definitely related to my childhood and nothing more. Since two people did/do recall it, mind you without me asking them how I "died" or providing any details, I don't think it's a psycholoical thing.

Archer Wrote:First of all I'll go on record as saying that I do not really believe in empathy as a parnormal or psychic skill or ability. I think it's certainly possible - but almost every time (in fact, quite possibly every time) I've seen otherkin talk about it, it seems to me to be the bog standard psychological process of understanding or assuming how other people feel. (There's a word for people who lack psychological empathy: it's sociopath.)

Oh I agree. I think there's basic human empathy that everyone has and then empathy where the emotions just hit you without you trying at all to feel them from people, places, etc. that's the ability of Empathy (with a capital E just to distinguish it). I used to have the latter.

Archer Wrote:Now, on to the broken record bit . . . when you were depressed, you could only feel negative emotions in people around you. This is completely normal for depression. It's normal for depressed people to believe that those around them are experiencing negative emotions, and to further believe that they themselves are incapable of experiencing positive emotions.

Yes, I agree here too...but walking into a room feeling as okay as okay got in those days and suddenly feeling miserable, well, it could very well be a depression related mood swing or something else. Depends how you choose to look at it as there's no way of "proving" which it was. I'm open to both interpretations.

Archer Wrote:1 - Not all memories are literally true. The certainty with which a memory is held is not a good indicator of its accuracy, and neither are emotions associated with it. Something feel profoundly correct, but not necessarily be so.

I wonder how many times I've given people this same advice lol.

Archer Wrote:For a more day to day illustration of that point, I could dream that I'm the captain of a starship. In the morning I'll remember the dream. Does that mean I really was the captain of a starship? No, it just means I remember it.

Or were you? <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

Archer Wrote:Regarding the ball of sentient energy - can you describe any characteristics the energy has? Either with literal terms, or though metaphor, or through something that might be one or the other?

Specifically, does that ball of energy have any traits or characteristics that are notably different from how you are now in this life?

Well, it's a blob of energy with no set form vs. a physical human body. I don't currently have the ability to take on any form I please, traverse planes of existance, possess people (since I'm physical), destroy other beings (in the non-physical sense...of course I have the ability to murder people, but I mean destroy from a "poof, gone" standpoint), a more extreme personality very unlike mine in many ways (the arrogance for example)...that's what really comes to mind as I'm typing. If anything else comes into my partially sleep deprived head I'll add it.

Archer Wrote:Adopted people tend to have a driving need to know about themselves . . . I would imagine that people adopted into abusive families have an even greater need to know, an understanding that abuse as a child changed them, a desire to see what the "real" them should have been.

In a way, I don't. I have no desire to "connect" to my biological family, no urge to meet them, don't really care to know about them any more than I do (which isn't much at all). They're really no more my parents than my adoptive parents are. Yes, they created me, gave birth to me...but that's where it ends. My adoptive parents raised me, but they were no more "parents" to me than my birth parents where when it all boils down. Yes, they provided for my physical needs, sent me to school/college/etc., but neither have provided anything more, neither truly provided for all of a child's needs.

I'm aware that "I'm not sure" is a perfectly acceptable answer, but it doesn't change that it bothers me to be unsure. I'm pretty content at the moment with the loose definition of the "real me" that I have, but there will always be that little niggling voice in the back of my head telling me I'm missing something...it would be so much easier if it would just say what >.< Obviously, I don't expect it ever will and would be pretty worried if I started hearing voices <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

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2009-04-22 13:30
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Post: #6
Re: Re-Evaluation
Seraphyna: You said that you feel as if this is your first physical incarnation. I think I know what you mean by past life. Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you've lived in the astrals most of the time and that's what you're refering to when you talk about your past life. I am curious about the white hot ball of energy that surrounded you. Do you know what it was and how did you bring it on yourself?

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2009-04-22 22:45
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Post: #7
Re: Re-Evaluation
I wouldn't call it "the astrals," I'm pretty sure I've basically just existed wherever with something of a "home base" in the Silver City which I do have memories of that seem to correspond with the description of the City which other people have given. As for the energy thing, you know when something gets so hot, like a flame, that it passes blue and goes to white? It was like that. I "created it" so to speak in an attempt to destroy myself...which obviously didn't work, but I get a gold star for effort, right?

Of course all of this is assuming my memories actually mean something.

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2009-04-22 23:23
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Post: #8
Re: Re-Evaluation
Oh I believe that your memories are real. I would guess that someone saved you after your attempt and you were incarnated here for some lesson. Whether or not you'll have more incarnations in the physical is a matter for debate. I do have this funny feeling that I've seen this silver city before. Were there lots of winged entities flying around the spires? Does the name Ruarc ring any bells?

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2009-04-23 3:30
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Post: #9
Re: Re-Evaluation
Well at least one of us sounds certain that my memories are "real". I don't recall winged thingers flying around in the Silver City, but that doesn't mean there weren't...and no Ruarc, rings no bells.

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2009-04-23 20:17
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Post: #10
Re: Re-Evaluation
I think that re-evaluating your beliefs is helpful, so good for you for trying it. We could all benefit from taking a healthy step back from our often crazy-sounding ideas!

And I'll be brief. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

Have you simply considered not thinking of yourself as a celestial balancer or as Otherkin? Perhaps going through a period of time where you think of yourself as solely human (besides the obvious physically) may be enlightening and helpful?

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2009-04-23 21:09
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