Seraphyna Wrote:*Before I begin, I'd like to say that if this turns into a nitpick session, like my Balancers article turned into, I'll lock and/or remove this post.*
That line is why I've avoided replying for some time - in fact tonight is the first time I've read this post. I want to just clarify one thing, though, while at the same time not attempting to re-Balancers this. From my perspective at least, I was not nitpicking you. I simply saw things that did not seem to make sense to me (for one reason or another) and wanted either an explanation, so they would make sense - or an acknowledgement that they didn't.
That said, on to the rest of your post:
Quote:As my other post said, I'm starting with the core of what I believe about myself, and building back up from there. Now, it's not that I doubt what I am...but the specifics can always use a revisiting and after the madness of my Balancers article at OKP, I do feel that maybe what I feel I know has been me filling in the blanks and relying too much on what "feels right" or "makes sense".
Good plan. What "feels right" and "makes sense" is important to your identity, of course - but it's important to what you could roughly term your "ideal self" rather than your "actual self". How a person perceives themself (and thus what feels right) is rarely quite the same as how they actually are.
On a very basic level, the majority of people say their sense of humour is above average - which is obviously impossible. That perception is part of who they are, but it doesn't tell us anything about what their sense of humour is actually like.
Quote:energetic being-Created by higher power. Drawn to gargoyles and mermaids. Due to shifty stuff and phantom parts that don't correspond to winged humanoid me.
When you say you are drawn to gargoyles, do you mean you're drawn to decorative water spouts or do you mean you're drawn to small stone demon-ish creatures, or something else? Why do you believe you were created by a higher power? Is this simply an instinctive feeling of what is right, or do you have specific reasons (which you, of course, do not have to share)?
Quote:mental shifts-sunotherkin? predatory, highly confident almost to a fault, ruthless, sexual, protective. I basically feel like I'm me 24/7...as in other me and human me constantly, but the degree to which I'm one or the other shifts.
Is there a reason for you believing that your predatory, highly confident (etc) mindset is a shift into your non human nature, as opposed to your personality or a shift into a more desired personality?
Quote:interesting shift thing in general-I can trigger shifts if I think about it to whatever animal, plant, thing I wish to experience, which is a main reason I identify as a polymorph. However, the winged humanoid thing is always there. I always feel phantom wings, but concentrating on them makes their presence better known.
Why do you consider these shifts, as opposed to an (empathic?) ability to understand thing's from an animal's point of view?
Quote:I cannot trigger a "celestial" mental shift, they just kind of happen.
This says to me that your celestial mental shifts are qualitatively different from your other shifts, and so of interest. Are you able to describe these shifts at all?
Quote:"memories"-silver city: lush forests, waterfall, river, spiralling towers. self description-winged humanoid (1 or 3 pairs of wings), red hair, grey or violet eyes. clothing-flowy robes, bright silver/white chainmail flowy thing.
--> all from 3rd person perspective, 2 past life regressions, 2 people "remember" me and share some of my memories And all I did was say my name and off they went on recounting what they remembered. Other than a "go on" they got no feedback from me. Now, I doubt that it's shared cryptoamnesia as I'd never me these people and we came from very different backgrounds. I don't have chat logs as it was 4 years ago (a little over 4 years ago at this point). They came to me via past life regression that was a guided visualization type of thing, no one egged me on either. They were the same both times I did a regression and the same emotions came up with them. It's not something I'd like to remember about myself.
I'm a little confused about this. What do you mean by saying the two people who remembered you came to you via past life regression?
You said the contents of the regression were in third person. As such, is it possible that you were seeing someone other than yourself (either a literal person who exists/existed, or someone standing as a metaphor for something)?
Quote:innate feelings-Drawn to oposing forces (chaos/order, creation/desctruction, dark/light, or some other dichotomy that humans can't fathom) and balance. I do feel that I've never been physical before (first incarnation) and am in the wrong body, that it was never "quite right" (lack of attachment to the physical or to most other people).
The last point in parentheses could be because I have1 never quite felt entirely human or that I "belong here". It could also do with the fact that I'm adopted and keep people at a distance. I don't feel connected to most of my family, but that could very well be because I am not biologically related to them and my parents have been emotionally abusive since I was little.
That could also lead to you feeling drawn to opposing forces. It could be that one of the results of your difficult childhood was you not having a firm sense of identity, and coming to associate yourself with opposites as a result. On a very basic level, your emotionally abusive parents meant that the "parent" idea - the single most important concept to a child, and the only concept for a young child - was both "protective" (gave you food, water, shelter) and "harmful" (emotionally abused you).
I can see that this could, in general, lead you to associate opposites with one another.
Further, a way to rationalise the emotional abuse might be to identify with opposites. "These are my parents and they love me, but they also hurt me" is something difficult to understand, especially for a child. But if that child - consciously or unconsciously - creates a worldview of "but opposites go together, in fact my role is in uniting opposites" then parental abuse fits in better and can be understood.
I am not saying this is what is or was going on in your mind; simply that from what you have said, the one could
follow the other.
Quote:As for my body, for a long time I hated it...I felt it was wrong. It was too fat, not attractive, too solid, it's just not right. For the better part of about 12 years (6th grade through college) I struggled with self injury and depression. However, since fully accepting all of me (the non-human bits too) I've been much happier.odd stuff-primary body heat loss through feet (for most people it's through their head), during heightened emotions (arousal and anger especially) feel energy biting along my skin so hot that it's cool. The first odd thing could just be a weird human thing, just want to include all of it.
Are the weird temperature things things that you yourself perceive about your own body, or things that others have noticed?
Feeling that your body is wrong and self-injuring could both be products of abusive parents, rather than/as well as not being human.
Accepting the non-human things could lead to increased happiness due to it being the truth, and you better understanding yourself - or it could lead to increased happiness as it gives a more pleasant explanation for your quirks than "one set of parents gave me up for adoption, and the second set abused me."
Again, I am not saying that is the case for you - simply throwing it out there as an alternative explantion.
Quote:end of past life-surrounded by bright, white-hot, energy, "brought it upon myself," lost myself, existed in stasis before incarnation.Fallen?
A sensation of having brought suffering upon oneself is also common among people who have been abused.
Is this memory isolated, or is it connected to others? Under what circumstances did you recall it?
Quote:abilities-empathy (psychologically blocked at the moment). I know that doesn't point to anything specific, just felt I should include it. I was a pretty strong empath in middle school, but because I was struggling with self injury and depression I seemed to only pick up on negative emotions...so I shut it out...and haven't been able to turn it back on.
I'm now starting to sound like a broken record, heh heh.
First of all I'll go on record as saying that I do not really believe in empathy as a parnormal or psychic skill or ability. I think it's certainly possible - but almost every time (in fact, quite possibly every time) I've seen otherkin talk about it, it seems to me to be the bog standard psychological process of understanding or assuming how other people feel. (There's a word for people who lack psychological empathy: it's sociopath.)
Now, on to the broken record bit . . . when you were depressed, you could only feel negative emotions in people around you. This is completely normal for depression. It's normal for depressed people to believe that those around them are experiencing negative emotions, and to further believe that they themselves are incapable of experiencing positive emotions.
Why? Well, psychologically speaking, empathy is about looking at someone else in a situation different from your own, and working out what it would feel like to be in that situation (as an unconscious process). If a depressed person can look at someone sitting on a park bench and think "Hmm, I bet he feels really happy right now" then that's very close to the idea that "Hmm, if I sat on the bench and looked at the trees and kids playing, I might feel happy to" - and depression blocks those thoughts. In a really rough sense, if people with depression could empathise normally they could see what makes people happy and then work out how to make themselves happy. (Gross over-simplification to make a point!)
Quote:When it all boils down, I have memories that may or may not actually mean something,
I think all memories mean something.
I think two things are important to remember, though.
1 - Not all memories are literally true. The certainty with which a memory is held is not a good indicator of its accuracy, and neither are emotions associated with it. Something feel
profoundly correct, but not necessarily be so.
2 - Remembering being someone does not mean that you are that someone. To use myself as an example, I remember what my other half's (I'm a multiple) like was like. I remember day to day activities, I remember falling in love, I remember grieving, I remember quite a bit. The memories aren't mine, though - they're someone else's. My experiencing them doesn't mean they happened to me.
For a more day to day illustration of that point, I could dream that I'm the captain of a starship. In the morning I'll remember the dream. Does that mean I really was the captain of a starship? No, it just means I remember it.
Quote:I feel a connection to gargoyle and mermaid, I have mental and phantom shifts corresponding to gargoyle, mermaid, and a winged humanoid, and at my core I feel like a blob of sentient energy that was created for a purpose...because of the shifty things and phantom bits I'm inclined to say a polymorphic ball of sentient energy.
Same question about gargoyles as before.
Regarding the ball of sentient energy - can you describe any characteristics the energy has? Either with literal terms, or though metaphor, or through something that might be one or the other?
Specifically, does that ball of energy have any traits or characteristics that are notably different from how you are now in this life?
Quote:Miniar's right when he says that me wanting to know and feeling like I need to know (yeah it bugs me to no end) the specifics is probably why I keep having the need to work it out over and over again. I feel like there's no way to 100% be sure, but I want to know (talk about a typing contradiction).
In general (broken record returns), people who were adopted have a great need to know who they are and where they came from. No matter how much the adoptive parents love the adopted child, they can't give that child the first hand story of his or her birth. They can't describe how they planned to make a baby - or were surprised to find one was on its way. No matter how close adopted children are to their adoptive family, they can't look at them and see the same features on their faces. They can't think back to a famous ancestor and tell themselves that they share his or her genes. I know: two of my four brothers are adopted.
Adopted people tend to have a driving need to know
about themselves . . . I would imagine that people adopted into abusive families have an even greater need to know, an understanding that abuse as a child changed them, a desire to see what the "real" them should have been.
Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that no matter how much you need to know something, it doesn't help to jump to conclusions - and it's okay to have a very big box marked "I'm not sure."
Quote:I wish I could stay away from the online community...I really do. However, I just can't bring myself to for any length of time. But I'm going to do my best to not be too bugged by not having specifics that I currently fully accept as me. I do have memories of Balancers and what they do, but that doesn't mean I am one, right?
Exactly - all having memories of Balancers means is that you have memories of them. Everything else is speculation.