Phantom Pains, Dreams, Blah
I still have these really intense phantom sensations almost every day. I can feel how every part of my body matches (or doesn't) with this phantom body. Often, there is a sharp or dull pain at places where the two forms intersect, making me generally dislike moving.
I've tried to focus and 'feel out' every curve or angle or line but it usually results in an increase of intensity of the pain. I wish I didn't experience this at all and find my phantom body to be nothing but a troublesome burden, but at times I feel somewhat obsessed with the need to know how all these seemingly jumbled parts fit together, despite the discomfort.
Lately, I have been having dreams in which a person will say in a very innocuous manner that I am trying too hard to "fit", with no explanation and entirely out of the context of the dream. It has occurred to me that these things may be related.
I fear I am losing my mind. Sigh.
I have been interacting with Asteroi, assuming I am not hallucinating, for a while now and they seem to think I am one of them, or, at least, that I'm cool to hang out with for some reason. I decided at some point to tentatively agree. However, the picture of "me" that I have "seen", and the one that the Asteroi seem to respond to, does not correspond to the phantom sensations. I believe that I share some kind of energetic compatibility with Asteroi (though that could possibly be related more to vampirism than anything else) but since they don't talk, they can't really explain why they like me. I feel that after all the physical agony of this invisible, impossible form that I must be experiencing some kind of psychosis or neurological problem. However, the only medical professionals that I've discussed it with assure me that neither of these things are occurring. Well, actually, I'll have to double check on the neurological abnormalities some time next month, but if the results of prior testing are to be believed, I'm more or less fit in the cranial region.
Anyway, that was more simple venting than anything else. Can't imagine that many people would have anything to say in response.