Re: Pagan Intro Post Spoof
I did a quick Google search for it and, lo and behold, our own WhiteFox had it in her LJ not too long ago!
"Lament Of A Newbie Pagan
I have been lurking here for 26 minutes, and I thought that it was time to introduce myself. My name is Bastet RunningDeer MorningGlory MoonBeam SunSoar. I used to be just Bill, but during deep meditation and astral projection, I met my spirit guide, who I believe is Winston Churchill's mother while I was cooking marshmallows at my astral camp on Jupiter, and he told me this should be my new name. I'm thinking now of legally changing my name to this. What do you think?
BTW, there really are giant squid that swim about in the heavy atmosphere of Jupiter. Jovian giant squid are now my totem animal. It just feels right and we should always go with what feels right. Right?
Anyway, back to me. I've been officially pagan since last Thursday, but it seems that I have been living my life in a pagan style since at least last Monday. I just didn't know that there was a name for it. I just read Covencraft" by Amber K and am thinking of becoming a high priest and starting my own coven or grove or church or synagogue or temple. I may be new to this path, officially at least, but I feel that it is the right thing to do at this point in my spiritual development, and we should always do what feels right. Right?
It's okay, because just because I have only been pagan a little while in this lifetime, I have lived many lives in the past as a pagan, and died at least 162 times when killed by Christian witch hunters for my beliefs. It is probably more than 162 times, but those are all that I can remember since I started doing past life regressions yesterday.
I was always a Celt in my past lives. Well, almost always. Usually, when I wasn't being killed by the witch hunters, I was a king or queen of Ireland. The two exceptions that I have found so far are when I was incarnated as Cleopatra and as Julius Caesar. This proves that we don't reincarnate linearly. I was both at the same point on the time line. It was a very interesting experience, to say the least. I actually experienced having sex with myself, complete intercourse, and also discovered that I always faked my orgasms and thought that the other me had way too much body hair on my back.
Anyway, I think that I qualify quite well as an elder and a teacher. The so called elders and teachers in the community think that I am just being silly and a little strange, but that's just because they are jealous that I am a much more powerful witch and warlock than they are.
My parents just won't understand this new path that I'm on. They think that the devil has taken over my soul and refuse to listen to reason. We don't even believe in the devil, do we? Or, have I been reading that wrong? They keep trying to hold me from my spiritual path. They won't even let me have their credit cards so that I can order all 29,847 books on Wicca Craft and paganism from Llewellyn.com. I really need these books and might as well just kill myself if I can't have them. I need to learn everything I can about every single path, belief system and tradition in the world, and quickly, so that I an pick what feels right to me from all of them. We're supposed to always do what feels right. Right?
While I'm here, can anyone help me with some advice or legal assistance? I am being constantly discriminated against. My local community is conspiring against me and picking on me because of my pagan beliefs. The school system was very Christian oriented, and they acted against my faith on a daily basis. They tried to forbid me from bringing my Athame to school. Hey, it's my religion and I should be able to practice it as I want, right? And we witches and warlocks must always have our Athame with us. It's written in ancient secret texts and scriptures. They even went so far as to have me arrested and removed from school when I tried to show the principle how good and nice my faith is by channeling many different spirits for her and talking in their tongues, and then putting two of my Athames right up in front of her eyes, just so that she could see that they were religious and not dangerous weapons. It's not my fault that she got a couple little cuts. She shouldn't have screamed and jumped. She scared me and interrupted the flow of voices from the other world.
It's not just the school though. I just had to cast a protective circle around myself and my home, so I borrowed the neighbors car while he was sleeping, which felt like the right thing to do, and we should always do what feels right, right? And I drove three times around the block widow-shins to make my circle.
When I'm practicing my religion, there should be a provision in the law that allows this, right? So the one way street laws should be set aside for me, otherwise it's just more religious discrimination. And the people on the streets that I passed were hollering obscenities at me as I drove. They must have figured out that I am a spiritual Wicca witch person. They even went so far as to call on their god to damn me to hell, which we don't believe in anyway, right? We have the Summerland's which are beautiful, and then we come back to life again.
The local law enforcement community is also out to get me. They keep coming around when I play my Nirvana CDs at top volume so as to get in touch with my spirit. Nirvana is what Buddhists strive for, right? And Buddhists are pagans, right? I just felt that I should explore their paths since we are really all of one spirit and it just felt right. We should always do what feels right. Right?
They keep taking away my sacred marijuana, that I use to alter my states of consciousness. The native Americans use mind altering substances, and they are almost just like witches and warlocks, right? I think they passed the laws against marijuana just so that the church can stay in control of America.
My parents are a big part of this conspiracy. They keep forcing me to go to a psychologist. I know for a fact that the psychologist is really an undercover Jesuit priest, and he is secretly striving to perform an exorcism on me. I can't resist them right now, because if I don't go to see him, they say that they will put me in the psychiatric hospital, where what they really do is drug you senseless and then brainwash you.
Now, I don't normally ask for magical help, but this time I am desperate I need a binding spell to kill Jimmy Halloway. He is another that is attacking me just for my beliefs. I could have stayed in the broom closet, but I'm proud of my beliefs so I tried to show his girlfriend Becky how beautiful and wonderful the Great Rite is. She was only scared because she had heard so much Christian propaganda over the years and also didn't believe that you can't get pregnant when you have intercourse during sacred religious rituals. I had to even fight her because she believed that being nude and binding for initiation into the traditions is bad. More Christian propaganda.
Now, can anyone tell me a spell to make my penis 12 inches? If I am to be a high priest, I really should have a large penis, to make the Great Rite so much more special. Where can we all go to be sky clad together and perform sex magic? I've heard that this is the most potent type of magic there is, but whenever I ask the pretend pagan elders about this, all they will say is that I have much to learn, and then after a while, they ignore me. They can fool some of the people with their titles, but not me. I know what is required to be a real witch. It also feels right, and we should always do what feels right. Right?
Anyway, that's my intro. Nice to meet all of you. I hope that there are real witches and warlocks here so I can teach them to grow into more powerful beings. Is there a photo file on this list where you all have your sky clad pictures. I can't seem to find it. Or, has the government conspired with the internet server people to limit us from this most important part of our faith?
Mary parting and have some more Mary Meat.
Reverend Bastet RunningDear MoonBeam SunSoar High Priest and Arch
Druid of the Sacred Temporal Temple of the 13 Moon Coven"
Banner by me. If you want one too, see here
"You're the best kind of crazy." -Murphy, The Dresden Files