New? Dark Spirit
Well where to start? Umm, for starters I suppose I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that I'm not just delusional or some lesser form of crazy, but after reading this site and others I share too much in common with Otherkin to simply sweep the idea under the rug.
Anyway, from a young young age I've always been a little different. Many people who know me will have 'that' moment when they pause, give me that strange look and say something to the tune of, "you're a bit of an odd duck." They never say it in a mean way, more a baffled or bemused way. A lot of people have also found things like my sense of beauty and peace to be bit frightening or strange. Such as how I find heavy metal soothing and classical music agitating or the times I've said, "I used to think I was possessed by a demon, then I realized I was possessing the human." (I've used that little gem twice I think, and both times they acted like it was a good joke)
The things that really freak me out and have driven me to come to these forums, however, aren't my taste in music but other nonsensical things that I've found myself doing, not just once or twice, but on a regular, repeated basis that don't fit with normal rational human behavior. For instance when people do things that frustrate me I'll often exclaim, "humans!" like openly, in public, where others can hear. I've been doing that since I was a kid. Even my mother got used to it and when I started warming up to humans more she found it a pleasantly different attitude for me to have. I also find myself taking ownership of people I like in a kind of subtle way; like I'll start to think of them as 'my human' and I'll get very defensive if someone tries to hurt them in any way. It's not even all that uncommon for me to openly call someone 'my human' in public, although I generally don't do that unless the situation permits because I find it unsettles most people more than expressing exasperation over humans not making sense. Every once in a while I also find myself compulsively trying to move things with telepathy, although I'm not sure if that's really related or not.
And all this has happened repeatedly over the course of my life, not just one or two incidents in recent memory. Each and every time it happens I give my head a little shake, maybe blush a little and just pretend like nothing happened because that seems like the sane thing to do.
Anyway, over the years I kinda got used to thinking of myself as human 'but not human', if that makes any sense. When people would frustrate me I'd give my 'human' sigh but I'd acknowledge that I have a human body with human limits and accept the fact I'm going to have to deal with them. I've also grown used to accidentally frightening people with accidental 'slips' and just generally feeling removed from, but not apathetic toward people. This has all been working fairly swimmingly until about the last 2 years. See a year or two ago I started getting into DnD and I recalled hearing something about drow so I bent over backward to find the book that listed them as player characters. Upon flipping to the chapter with the information, seeing the picture of the drow, and reading the physical description something just clicked. Furthermore I was somewhat indignant and dismayed they were listed 'evil' when got to that part of the description. Now normally I'd file this under the nerd fangasm file of mental experiences, except for one thing that started happening shortly there after; I started to reflexively project.
Over the past year and half to two years I've found myself reflexively projecting the presence of my own body to my mind, kind of altering it for myself but not others. The features I project are always cool gray skin (black where anything on a human would be reddish-pink), black sclera, purple irises and a kind of long pointed bat-ears, not elf ears, long slender sharp bat-ears (not the broad blunt ones you see on the flying mammals). Generally the hair is some shade of pastel but that really depends on my mood, and my canines are always particularly sharp, not blunt and worn as they customarily are. The rest of my teeth I'm not sure about, but it's not uncommon for them to feel sharper than they actually are.
Anywho, I started projecting this body to myself and I found it incredibly comfortable. Even though I knew it wasn't really there, and I knew no one else could see it, it was kind of like a safety blanket that made me feel warm and cozy, like I could handle the day. Initially I thought it was just a way for me to cope with stress, thing is, it went from being to elective, to reflexive. I don't really 'turn it on' anymore so much as I 'turn it off', and I've been doing this for close to two years now. But then the thing happened that brought me to the Otherkin community; I actually talked to someone about it. We were having a good natured discussion about spirituality about two days ago and she started talking about Otherkin. I told her about my 'projections' and she didn't seem phased at all. In fact she mentioned her OK were Dokkalfar-the Norse fae the DnD drow are based on- she then suggested I do some 'self-work' and investigate it, and after reading what some of you have posted I'm glad I have.
Now this isn't to say I'm 100% certain about anything, but I am quite certain that it's no coincidence I developed a kind of Otherkin identity even without the support of others or knowledge of Otherkin. The fact that I've done all the stuff listed here multiple times, with multiple people, plus some, seems to suggest to me that I fit within the Otherkin community. I'm not sure where I fit, or exactly why, but I seem to share a lot of commonalities and experiences with dark-spirit Otherkin such as demons. Does this mean I'm a demon? Or a Dokkalfar? Or some other dark spirit? I dunno, but that's really what I'm here to find out.