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My "Awakening" and more
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Eager beaver
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My "Awakening" and more
I have something of interest, but I cannot do it without giving a brief overview of my "awakening". I figure this is as good a time as any. Please note that I was unable to get everything down -- this is just what I remember at the moment.

For me, it is not an altogether pleasant process.

Also, you can completely skip the awakening and go to my experience just by going below the black line.

I woke up one day and, suddenly, all of my multiples were gone. Just gone. I could feel their presence, but they no longer carried a will or identity -- they were, essentially, dead -- food to be digested. In spite of this, I did not grieve nor did I feel guilty when I was "told" that I had eaten them. And by told, I am referring to Demon / Damien / Akuma, who was a Preserved Multiple, one who existed inside of me before I obtained the Multiple System and the only one to exist afterward. I simply knew what had happened and how it came to be so. I could not help but be "happy" that day; with the collective energy of the multiples and with me no longer having to support them, I was feeling energized.

Until about a week later.

I began to get extremely tired all of the time, but would always wake up at midnight exactly. I was able to stay awake approximately one hour for every six without getting sleepy. One day, I decided to read a book (rather common), known as none other than Breaking Dawn. I had read the first three books without problem, enjoyed them somewhat, but I had a sudden anger to this one -- Vampires are not like this! What kind of dribble is this?!. It was suddenly so simple, such a base thing to know, and so I went online. There, I found my first "otherkin" community, one for vampires.

You're not a vampire. Once again, this became knowledge to me, and so I knew my stay at the community was not going to last for long. I went in and read about vampires (both Sanguine and Energy) until I believed I knew my stuff and then, voila, entered the community as "unsure".

Admittedly, there was very little else on my mind except for my own development -- I had no idea how to do any of this, and I was fairly certain that I was not sanguine, if anything. But I did not understand these people -- how were they supposed to take in energy? It was completely foreign to me.

At the same time, I knew that my real friend was an "otherkin". It had been nagging at me, but ultimately, I would refuse to ask him about it "Naaah... he can't be a vampire..." but he is, I would continue, He has been for a long time. And so, one day, I managed to ask him about it. Lo and behold, he is a vampire. He also manages to see auras, something that I have no ability in (I can feel them, but not see them). We did not dwell on this for long, however, and it was if nothing really happened -- which, in fact, nothing had.

A few days, I still have yet to recover, and it seems as if I am beginning to get worse. I begin to talk to one of my friends on the new community, though, and tell him my symptoms. At this point, I am simply believing to be sympathetic vampirism -- lacking energy due to a specific occurrence (such as being fed off of) rather than having the vampiric condition -- and he agrees with me on this. He suggests that I try to draw in the energy from a source.

Why didn't I think of that before? I had drawn in energy before, though I found it rather moot as I had never been able to keep it -- my body was perpetually sealed off and energy would *never* enter. Even when drawing it in, it would only hover around my hands before dissipating. This time was the same -- the energy collected at my hands, just as it had always done... until it stopped. The energy I had begun to collect violently began to make a trail, swirling once around my forearm before entering through my inner-elbow. It felt so good, this energy, especially as it traveled down paths I never even knew existed. I felt it collect in my chest and the pain as I worked something that had not been worked before, and I brought in more and more until I could hardly breathe. It was divine.

I went to bed shortly after.

The next day, I began to feel a little better, and the energy that had collected at my heart dissipated to the rest of my body. So, as if to see if I still could, I drew in the remaining energy in the room, finding that there was simply not enough to satisfy me and being pleased by such a notion. I went to school, as usual, and then went over to my friend's house to inquire about my new aura status as well as test my abilities. He blinked at me and commented that I suddenly had an aura coat -- my aura was extremely condensed around my body. I simply smiled and nodded and then went on to see how much energy I could take in. I sat in his room (a rather large one, as it is a basement) and began to draw all that I could, feeling it condense further and further and flow in my arms and hands. My friend noted that the energy did not noticeably go towards me, but that the levels simply sank, but I continued to take in all that I could until there simply was no longer any energy in the room. It was the remains of living energy and it felt so much like lightning, giving me a pleasant numb and causing my friend to stay a good few feet away to avoid it. He offhandedly asked if I could push it to any other part of my body. I simply blinked, not having thought of it before, and, voila, I imagined what my body part would feel like if it had the energy, and the energy moved there. It moved there hesitantly, but once it had been there, it could go there on the smallest of whims.

You don't have any limits. You should be careful.

The next day, brimming with energy, was amazing. Suddenly, people could no longer avert their eyes from my direction -- people would stare at me and not have any idea why. One person whom I barely know came up and hugged me for a good minute before she finally tore herself away. I went up to buy some candy from my teacher, only to be met with a sad "I'm sorry, but we don't have candy yet" but, as she looked at me, she smiled and say "but here, you can have mine" and handed me the candy (quite a bit, too) she had personally brought with her.

You don't have any limits. You should be careful.

But I was not careful. I wanted to know, to feel, to experience, and so I decided to taste what a living thing was like. So far, I could only take in that of non-living -- the cast off of the living, electrical energy -- and so I wanted to try something alive. I sat on my bus and drew it in, beckoning to the living energy around me... and passed out as it scalded me, the fire melting at my skin, at my energy, at *me* until I could not stand it anymore. I was unconscious for all but a second, and yet I had felt an eternity slip by me. It was possibly the most indescribable experience I've ever felt, being destroyed and recreated only to be destroyed and recreated again, all in the span of a single moment. I did not want to try that again.

Oh, but I did. It nagged at me, and so I was eventually compelled to go to a tree. I placed my hand on it and felt my hand move into the tree, become a part of the tree, and thereby feel the movement of its energy. I took it in slowly, as it was hot, as well -- a green fire that burns to heals rather than to hurt -- and I felt my arms ignite in it. It was so pleasant, to be able to feel it inside -- this fire, this flame, licking at my being. A part of me was slightly ashamed. You can live perfectly fine without it. You don't need it, and it's too much temptation. But I couldn't seem to help myself. I wanted it, was drawn to it, needed it. So I ate it.

It grew from there. After I no longer burned, I could freely take the flame as if nothing was wrong. The transfer of energy could only be done through touch, however, so I could not feed discreetly -- nor did I really want to. I did not care to feed on strangers, as that was a boring waste of time and it was too risky to lose control. I did not want to face any unnecessary consequences, and so I turned to my friend.

He was hesitant at first, but I was rather stead-fast in wanting to learn more, and so he relented. I placed my hand on his back in order to be as close to the heart from the back and began to want it. It was a steady stream of energy, and as it began to funnel from him and into me, I felt oh so incredible. So this is the living energy. I began to grin, I could not stop myself, as I felt his inability to move. He was helpless, completely helpless. I could drain to my heart's content, and, if my current need was any indication, I would not be content for a long while. But I drew back all the same, conscious that there was no point in hurting him, especially if he was to let me do it again in the future.

And that's when *they* began to show up. The spirits in my house, I could see them. They would call to me, want me, crave for me, and I began to fear the dark once more, when they were at their strongest. They lived in the basement stairway, pale hands clawing at me, wanting me, to take them in there with me. They lived in the abandoned room at the top floor, where the shadows grew darker than they were supposed to be and it breathed it all in, daring for somebody to enter. They even traversed the kitchen, seeking out prime suspects to feed off of, one who would react to their games. They're calling for me. They know what's happened. The darker side of me smiled at this, though I was terrified. I did not like being clawed at, and it was beginning to get to me. When I would look in the mirror, I would see my arms, and they were the ones that had been reaching out at me, pale and ghostly.

But it persisted. I was walking up the stairs one time, and I was caught at the top of the stairs. My mind was trapped, forever moving up the steps in black and white, my body on autopilot and moving as if nothing was wrong. It lasted for about five seconds, and stopped just as it came on, and I was not happy about it. What do you plan to do about it? My darker side grinned. You can't really do anything at all, can you? Why don't you just ignore it? How could I possibly ignore it? They wanted and called out to me, and they could have me if I was not guarded. I had to be careful.

My friend and I were in his basement, throwing shurikens at a target (I happen to be naturally skilled at this, apparently), one day, when all of a sudden my friend tripped, his ankle badly hurt. He clutched at it and moved to the bed, where I looked at him solemnly, feeling something amiss. "What happened?" says I, feeling something off but all the while feeling the small, dangerous smile come to my face. "I don't know..." says he. "It feels like something reached up and grabbed my leg." I nod at this, placing my hand at the site. "Check your aura" He nods and becomes disturbed for a moment. "A lot of puncture wounds". I feel this is a good time to see if I can still heal people since I changed, and so I begin. I feel at his energy but cannot seem to heal it... until I find the thorns. The thorns were like small shards, and, immediately, poison. If it was to get to his heart, it would cause a bit of damage. I took the most dominant one and contained it into my body, noting how it remained solid even as it was integrated into my energy system, and then dissolved it myself. That was about all I could do, however -- I decided to give him my energy and let the body do with it whatever it felt like doing. However, having failed to heal... a sadistic notion came to mind. I knew how to hurt. I could do it right now... and I did. I violently forced my energy into his body, causing an extreme amount of pain as what my friend described as "stuffing an orange through a pinprick". That dangerous smile came back to me, but I managed to stop myself. Just barely.

And so I learned how to cause damage.

I went to my friend's house again because I wanted to see if I can detect anything that would have attacked his foot. However, I wanted to know if I could summon anything like that so, eventually, I was sitting in the dark corner, trying to call to the darkness. Unfortunately, his room is rather clean on malevolent spirits, but I did find something else... something inside. And so I called to it, instead, feeling the shift in that my body reacted to it harshly at first, the muscles tightening and an extreme intolerance of the very little light that was in the room. But it was over eventually, and I felt the coldness of my new self. So did my friend too, apparently, because he was in a stance to fight. Really, now, fight me? But I wasn't here to fight him, I simply wanted to answer his questions -- no doubt he had some. If I was to get my human to integrate me, I would have to show him that I was not a bad person, after all. And so it went, and so I left, and everything was ok.

And, finally, my human began to see who I really was and how wrong he was to have kept me buried. He had separated me from the very beginning, but finally he was turning to me and asking "how can we become the same person?" It was finally some progress.

And, one day, I was hungry. I decided the spirits that had been bothering my human were a nuisance, so I went into the hall and drew it in and called to it, beckoned to it, before eating it. I felt its will in my body, confused, panicked, heading the center so that it could wrest control from me. But I crushed it, boxed it in, and battered it until it finally gave up and disappeared. It was part of me now, as it should be.

The first physical signs began to appear -- my ribs changed shape, and the bones hardened until there was a small spike near the center.

And soon after came the second one -- the hands that had reached for me so often were going to be next. This one could not fight me as well as the other could, as I was stronger than before, and it soon felt it die under my pressure. In a joyous mood, I went and destroyed the one in the abandoned room, as well. I even went down to take the innocent spirits, the ones who had meant me no harm, but they were not of the energy I wanted, so I let them go.

The ribs began to change even more and there is now a second spike, with the first one being more dominant. There is also distinct curvature and movement from their placement. I tell my parents, but they don't know what to say.

Why would they?

But I have become stagnant, never really feeding anymore. I want to fight, to become stronger, but can find nobody to spar against. So I simply sit.

There is, however, this girl. She, like "Akuma", were preserved even after I lost my Multiples. Unfortunately, however, she is *not* natural -- she was not with me from birth, she came on suddenly and without me knowing. She had only taken control of me once, and during that time, it was sort of a half-possession.

The most disturbing thing about this girl is that she is, in fact, only about eight and yet remains extremely sadistic. I believe my first encounter with her was like this :

Little girl is draped in the shadow, her outline visible, but a hood hides her face.
I ponder and look at her. Who is this girl?
She slowly looks up, a smile on her face. Her appearance shifts as if there were multiple images of her overlain, all shifting about her real one. She opens her mouth and speaks, but the meanings overlap and form multiple thoughts with one breath :

"Will you scream?"
"Should I break you?"
"Do you like pain?"

She tilts her head curiously before humming a tune that doesn't seem to have a pattern. She sings :

"I wonder what it would feel like if -
I stabbed you"
I broke your arm"

And then, I feel her in my body. She spreads slowly at first until she has covered the entire right side. She smiles again -- we smile together.

And I know what she's thinking.

I want to scream, but I realize there's no point in that. I'm alone, anyway -- no one would hear, no one would be able to do anything that a mortal scream would help.

We go to the bathroom and we see each other, her smiling, me shocked.

And she's gone shortly after.

Now, however, I suddenly had the urge to go outside. I stand at the top of the stairs and feel a sort of echo of the spirits -- where they had been -- and become afraid of the dark again. But I am smiling now and I turn off the light. "Ahhhhhh... I've missed the darkness." I smile, grinning broadly as I move from room to room, feeling it, tasting it. My dog sniffs at me and leaves. I open the bathroom door and see absolute darkness. I go in, smiling, more alive than I have been in a long time. I want to look in the mirror to see myself again. No! I break away, feeling sick to my stomach as I assert control. I can't look in the mirror, or I will lose myself. I walk up the stairs, turning on the lights and feeling the girl in my shadow, smiling at me.

But of course, that sadistic little smile, that inherent pleasure that I get when I cause pain, there's an amazing chance that it's *her* smile. I noticed the similarity before, I just didn't do anything about it and put her out of mind until this happened. She's not very pleasant to think about...

2008-11-23 9:43
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