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Median? Maybe?
SergeiRaine'Nit
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Median? Maybe?
I think I may be a median. Though I'm not sure. <!-- s:oops: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" title="Embarrassed" /><!-- s:oops: --> I also don't really know how to explain all this so it's probably going to seem like a garbled mess. <!-- sSad --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt=":(" title="Sad" /><!-- sSad -->

I've always (from what I recall) have considered myself as more than one, with no real basis for it. Using "we" in regards to myself has at times just felt right. That's probably just me being stupid or something though...

Now, what actually leads me to questioning being a median, is that... there are a few that I talk to/interact with internally, that I'm not sure what they are. I don't know if they are just "aspects" of myself, like personality traits that compartmentalized or something, or constructs, or someone separate from me, or what. Maybe it'd help if I tried to explain them? And I guess our interactions, too.

When we communicate it's mostly through "words," emotions, and to a lesser extent images. When I'm communicating with them, it really doesn't feel like I'm talking to myself. They feel and sound different from me most of the time. Sometimes it's very distinct, other times... it can be hard to tell. But, it's never like we are 100% different, we do have some similarities, but it's still enough of a difference to, I guess, confuse me as to what they are. I don't really tend to think of them as "me" or "part of me," but I could be wrong.

There is me, and then there are 2-4 others? Two of them may or may not be the same person one of whom would be a construct, one of them I haven't really heard from in years. They don't really have names per se <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt=":?" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? -->.

I guess I'll start with the "oldest." She's the one I haven't heard from in years. I'm also assuming that she is indeed a she. We first started talking the very beginning of high school. I guess she was like a "big sister" to me, she'd always call me kid <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->. During this early time, there was a part of myself (gender/sex identity?) that I suppressed heavily, and I completely forgot about those feelings until the 11th grade. And then I didn't remember about the suppression until at least a couple years after that. Not sure if that has anything to do with this, hey, it probably doesn't. <!-- s:oops: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" title="Embarrassed" /><!-- s:oops: --> Around the end of high school, she changed a little from just supportive, to giving me a good bit of tough love (that may be a little understated... <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt=":?" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? --> ). I have a document on my computer where we both talk, and it is not very pleasant. I was going though hell at the time, and I'm not really sure if or how I would have made it without her.

Now, during this time an event happened that I'd really not want to go into to, but basically it more than scared the crap out of me. That, for lack of a better word, prompted me to "create" a protector (version of me?). Out of all the stupid ideas, I guess I thought it'd be smart to pull/put in a good deal of traits from what had scared me. But he did provide a lot of comfort, and he was mainly more of an image and a feeling, from what I remember. At the same time, I guess I felt this "dark side" of me growing, that I started to associate with him and put into him. So I guess I took this "image" and this "sustenance" and put them together?

Between that time and more present, there is some of a gap where I don't remember talking to anyone in here. However, it could be the case where by this time it just felt so natural I didn't bother remembering it as important. I also went through several identity crises at this time, and some other issues. Good news is I've either resolved them or they aren't so much of a problem anymore. So, either they weren't around or I just don't remember talking to them (as a side note I also have a horrendous memory <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> )

Move forward to present day... I can feel me, and two distinct "presences?". I don't know what to call them. One is younger, and I guess would be a puppy/boy. He ranges anywhere from just puppy to just boy, but mostly is somewhere between that. He is playful, not really mischievous, but as I found out/realized yesterday, is more timid, and really doesn't like being around lots of people, or sometimes even a few people depending.

The other one, I guess would be around my age. He's more intense, angry, but also can be insightful I suppose... (He thinks of himself as insightful, I don't exactly agree.) Lately he's the one I've been increasingly talking to. He feels a lot like that "dark side" I described earlier, but I really don't know if they are the same thing or different. He also tends to take on the role that "big sister" did before. <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt=":?" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? --> <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt=":?" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? -->

Yesterday, for a good portion of the day, I really didn't feel like me, or at least just me, I don't know. I know about dissociation, and depersonalization, I guess it felt like that? But it wasn't just that I didn't feel like me, it's that I felt like the "puppy/boy." What I understand as his personality, traits, etc, it what "I" felt like. And being on a bus full of people felt like someone took my social anxiety and cranked it up full volume, I have never had that happen before, where I actually had a panic attack because of it. I don't recall being able to talk to any of them as this was going on. After awhile things settled down, and while I still felt like I was dissociating, I felt more like myself and was able to communicate with them, and calm the boy down. I'm not really sure what happened yesterday, but to say the least it was weird... <!-- s:shock: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_eek.gif" alt=":shock:" title="Shocked" /><!-- s:shock: -->

Sorry this turned out to be a big wall of text >_< Right now I guess I'm just confused, and needed to get it out somewhere. Thank you to those that actually sat down and read this all, if it was me I probably wouldn't have <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->
2010-04-20 15:18
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kahoku
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Post: #2
Re: Median? Maybe?
If you think they are "real", they might be. Have you ever tried talking to them about that?

When kahoku is back, it might give you a more detailed answer. I'm just the imaginary friend who recently became aware of himself. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

~ Astraeus

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2010-04-20 15:45
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kahoku
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Post: #3
Re: Median? Maybe?
you sound a lot like me when i first considered not being alone in this body. i refused to call us a multiple system, even "median" didn't sound right. sharing my life with someone frightened me to death, and i even considered re-absorbing astraeus when i found him. today i'd say we're a median system, but it was a long way (and i can't say it's finished yet). so don't worry, the confusion is normal, i can tell. <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: -->

i've been referring to myself as "us" in the past, claiming that i was talking about "the collective of all the voices inside of my head". but that were aspects of myself, showing up, speaking, and then dissolving into the collective mind again. that's something completely different.

i can't tell you what your "voices" are, but i agree with astraeus, you could simply talk to them and ask them what they are. also, learning more about multiplicity might be a good idea. it was the hessons' and intracellular's articles and answers that made him curious and caused him to demand the same rights. if you're on lj, i recommend joining the "multiplicity" community, they are really helpful. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

that's all i can think of for now, feel free to ask more questions and talk about your experience. that's what this forum is here for, after all!

~ kahoku

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2010-04-20 17:21
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Post: #4
Re: Median? Maybe?
Seconding Reannegan on confusion being normal, and all of the suggestions.

Also, whatever these other presences are, be nice to them inasmuch as you can without giving up your own rights. Both people and lower-level mental constructs can become real problems if they're treated badly. Figuring out what's fair may also take a while but asking the right questions will give you an idea of where to start.

-Shaynin

"All knowledge is worth having." -Phedre no Delaunay

"Everything has a price." -Jaenelle Angelline

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2010-04-21 4:10
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SergeiRaine'Nit
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Re: Median? Maybe?
Thanks for the advice and thoughts.

We have discussed this, and I guess the foremost shared opinion was "Does this really matter, what we are?" But to try and answer the question of what, I'm not as good at describing it, but basically, we are different but we are the same (?). I think?

I fully intend to be fair and proper with this all. Even if they wouldn't be considered "real people" by whatever standards ( <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> ) I would still treat them as real, because to me they are as real as I am.

I just hate being confused <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> Right now I'm working on making a live journal to write about this stuff, so I'll try to look up the group. I can hope that being able to talk about this with people that would possible understand on a level deeper than "getting it," may at least help me work through things.
2010-04-23 2:23
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Post: #6
Re: Median? Maybe?
heh, we also arrived at the "does it really matter?" stage very soon. i guess that's a healthy attitude. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

add us on lj, if you like, our name there is nefaz.

~ hoku

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2010-04-23 7:18
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Post: #7
Re: Median? Maybe?
SergeiRaine'Nit Wrote:We have discussed this, and I guess the foremost shared opinion was "Does this really matter, what we are?"

As 'hoku said, this is where I'm at too. I am "me" no matter what I call myself so in the end, I don't think it really matters. Personally, I like having a name for the feelings, but name or not, I'd still be a wolf on the inside. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

SergeiRaine'Nit Wrote:I just hate being confused <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

Welcome to the club! But don't worry, eventually you'll have answers to your questions!

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2010-04-23 13:49
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