Letting my Deity catch up to me
For a while, I've had...a sense that the Deity I sensed back when I was exploring Satanism was a very good and kind deity. However, in an effort to distance myself from the inverse-Christianity thing that I've seen with some Satanists, I stopped, eventually, attempting to get my Deity to fit into the form of "Satan"...though I know this is a name sie responds to.
I eventually departed from interest with the religious categories of "Satanism(s)" because I needed to positively value myself and trust that what I was doing and why I was here was good, and I'd really strongly interacted with hardly any Satanist who was not reacting to conservative Christianity or Islam, or values and politics and worldviews which branched from such.
The people who I most strongly meshed with were more in line with Paganism than anything -- I remember one who was into Anubis as another name for his "Devil," another who named her "Satan" as Azazel from the Book of Enoch -- obviously, apocryphal. I've also...found Luciferians to be less reactionary than most I've known, though this is in line with the nature of "Satan" as Light-Bringer.
I still carry a...fondness for the star sapphire and deep blue which I came to associate with Lucifer (who in turn is associated with Greek mythos). It probably has to do with liminality, and the times of dawn and dusk.
All this to say that I find myself wishing to have a closer relationship with my Deity but do not know how to do so without invoking rabid "SATAN!?!?!" attacks from others, should I mention it to anyone (especially as, at one time, one of my parents tried to forbid me from initiating contact with "Demons" [which was later redacted] -- please don't hold it against them; I'm not telling you the whole story). The rabid anti-Satan attack threat includes people involved in the Satanic Ritual Abuse craziness, which, real or not (and some of it probably is -- that doesn't mean I have to feel safe around people who claim to be victims), some people actually believe exists (I have my own theories -- "recovered memories" are not reliable because the brain is not reliable, and the sooner all of us can realize that our brains are imperfect, the better off we'll be).
Nor do I really know what, exactly, is drawing me to this emotional place now. I know that when I began thinking of Satan as someone like myself (which I don't quite, anymore -- the Christian Satan makes little to no sense and is basically, in my opinion, a bogeyman to scare people into converting and a tool to justify the destruction of dissenters), it was in the vein of being "cast out." But at this point, it seems like more than just that.
This is also to say that I know that things can go very, very wrong, very easily, with Demons (using the capital "D", I mean "incorporeal" Demons -- like Flereous or Asmodeus -- not demonkin). It's always been my point to approach anything that treats me with respect, with respect in turn. The one case IRL I can think of which turned into fully-formed nastiness (which didn't involve me) probably had to do with trying to use an unknown Demon as a tool for material gain. As I learned early on...you don't approach a powerful being you don't know (and don't care about) with demands and as a tool to an end, when they can easily obliterate you or worse (and are probably sick of random pips approaching them just because they want things...extremely common to hear on Satanism fora, and you can see some of it in the Demon subforum here, as well).
What I can see happening is that Satanism "fit" me back when I was into it because, on one of the more inclusive fora, to be a "Satanist" one just had to have a neutral-to-positive view of Satan. What was "Satan"? Intentionally undefined. What was I doing? It was probably in the vein of "make up whatever you want and call it 'Satanism'." I was young. But because there was such leeway and such freedom, I felt free to intuit my own Deity, who then became connected in my mind with the Satanist groups I was around, online. But claiming what I experienced, to be "Satanism," is like -- to quote my old Homophobia & Coming Out professor, "building a house on a foundation of pudding." (He was talking about homosexual identity at the time, but maybe the saying fits this, better.)
The major problem is that the majority of what I've found on Satan and Satanism and Devil Worship, etc., either do not match what I've found (intuitively) to an extreme degree, they're propaganda tracts branching out of Abrahamic (Judeo-Christian/Islamic) worldviews, or they're seriously considering that the propaganda tracts may be right. I have considered that I may be in a protected area where it comes to this, as I've been respectful and reverent for probably the vast majority of the time when I haven't been just questioning. That is, Satan and the Demons were beings I identified with, not beings to use as tools for my own personal gain. They were not slaves, to me.
...which brings up the Afro-Caribbean syncretic slant, which I've considered, as well.
The thing is that my worldview is entirely different from the worldview of inverse-Christians, who seem to be struggling to leave behind a previously forcibly imposed Christian worldview. It would make sense for a demonkin to have an entirely different worldview than one of these people...like I have no idea why the demons in "Constantine" are so well-versed in the Bible...it doesn't make sense.
I am not sure how to contact this being that I am attracted to without upsetting, or leaving behind, or possibly unintentionally bringing harm on, the people around me, anyhow, which is the main point of this post. Even though Satanism is considered an "occult" religion, I'm not a magick practitioner, and I shouldn't be. If I'm not an occultist...I suppose I could very well ask the Demons to protect myself and those I care about... It's just that most people who are in religions like this seem to adhere to some form of energetic "hygiene," which, being unready to commit to a Demonic path, I haven't done as yet. Most use some variation of the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, the Rose Cross, or whatever that thing was that Crowley made up with the Unicursal Hexagram. I've not felt safe enough to use any of these, however...as my worldview...is different.
If anyone has suggestions as to how to move forward with this Deity who responds to the name of "Satan" but isn't necessarily actually "Satan," I'm listening...
Thanks in advance.