Kayako Wrote:Also, there are lots of things about my personality that have to be toned down when living life, because it just doesn't work here. Thus, there's a bit of a separation between me when I acting my body and me when I'm acting myself.
It took me a very
long time to figure that out for myself. I didn't actually figure it out until a couple of months ago, and I'm eighteen -- but awakened to being "other", if not angelic, when I was eleven or twelve . . . so you're farther along than I was at your age, which is an excellent thing.
My most "natural" self is completely open and very intense; and I've had to learn the hard way that most people don't see it as "That's just who she is", but rather as "She's kind of out there." I've scared off more than one person because I hadn't learned to tone down my natural intensity.
I'm still learning to find a balance between being open -- and, in my view, "more honest" -- and being guarded; that is, learning when it's beneficial and/or appropriate to be more guarded, and when it's okay to be open. It's incredibly difficult, let me tell you!
I think a lot of the struggle for me comes from having come from a place where I didn't necessarily have
to be guarded at all; folks just knew what kind of person I was and had no issue with it, though a lot of them were certainly pretty guarded themselves. At least in the very beginning -- for me, meaning before any sort of major conflict -- I remember a very free place, where it was okay and sometimes even expected for me to be completely open; and, of course, filled with passion . . . for Father, for Israfel, for my work, for my singing, for my friendships, for being. I'm still full of passion, of course, for a variety of different things. However, that passion for being -- or intensity, which is probably a better term for it -- doesn't exactly translate well in this realm.
But I am