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It wells up...
Chordal
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Post: #1
It wells up...
Today I had my first "dark" day out in a while. I don't mean it was literally dark, but that I was inhabiting a space which wasn't particularly friendly. I'm cutting out a bunch of stuff here about *why* this was (there are at least six reasons why I wouldn't have felt on top of my game today, and if I listed all of them, I'd unnecessarily risk a tl;dr).

I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've outwardly been like this at work. I wish they didn't have to see that, but I wasn't into pretending that I felt well when I didn't (though I did *try* to pretend, I just didn't have the energy to keep it up). On top of that, I've been trying to curb freaking people out online, which -- I don't know if that would have stopped a route of psychic feeding or not, but it seems so. And I was trying really hard not to attempt to feed off of others while I was at work -- it was bad enough that I felt bad, I didn't want to make other people feel that way as well.

Why am I writing?

It's been so long since I've been in a spiritually and emotionally dark place that I'm not entirely certain how to deal with it. I don't feel "normal" at times like this (though I'm not very certain how often I actually pass for "normal"), and I don't know how other people deal when they experience this (as I'd think they must, at times).

This is compounded by not being able to speak about this angle of things with the people closest to me. And I've never had to deal with this so long as I've been employed. I've gotten to the point where I've got to acknowledge that I have a strong amount of darkness in me, along with some hardness and ferality. That's not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't know...anyone IRL, who has it to the same degree and in the same sense that I do, and I'm not old enough yet to know how to manage it without...well, everyone knowing what I am.

Thing is when I go to work and I am basically reeking of this...feeling like I must be radiating, "I'm on edge. I don't want to be here right now. Don't engage me," the only things I can think of to do are: 1) be wholly with it and honest in the moment, meaning I may scare some people, and that I set myself up for unnecessary emotional suffering; 2) attempt to deny it and play like everything's good, which is not honest, and may scare people *more* when a flash of how I'm actually feeling escapes; or 3) attempt to boot whoever's fronting and only allow them out when things aren't depending on my being not-angry and not-frustrated and not-cold, etc.

How do you deal with this, IRL?
2010-12-15 8:59
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Estelore
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Post: #2
Re: It wells up...
Well... there are times when having multiple-system-ness can be helpful overall... and for me, a situation like that would be one of them. When I'm having a darkish-spell, generally I can just "step back" and go into a kind of cooperative autopilot with my cohabitors. They've been attached long enough to be able to fake my most basic mannerisms and to imitate my speech patterns, and they can already hear what I'm thinking or would say... so all I really have to do is suggest my basic original intent(s) for the course of that particular day or period of time, and occasionally get up, walk, et cetera... and they take care of human interactions for me until I'm stable enough to take over.

One thing I could suggest- instead of psychically feeding on one person close to you, which might be a detriment to them, maybe just spread out your awareness of people like a broad net, taking only a little bit each from many people? At worst, it might just make them feel a little work-day-fatigue a few minutes earlier than any other given work day, and it certainly shouldn't kill the atmosphere of the entire location, because the drain would be so widely and "lightly" distributed. I used a technique like that before the others in my system were adapted sufficiently to playing copilot.

*shrug* Either way, I hope you figure out a way to make this all work for you.

[Image: Full%2Bsystem%2Brearranged.png]
--Total--Rosie--Gale--Ax------Es-Asher-Chunes--Lor-Cade-Ruby--Leo--Crow-Kirke-Teia-
2010-12-15 16:18
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Chordal
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Post: #3
Re: It wells up...
Thanks...sorry I haven't been so talkative. I just have a lot of pressures for time on my end...and not enough energy or waking hours to do them all. I don't want to drop all of that on you, though, so...

Ehh. Well, if I don't talk about it, the alternative is not saying anything...

I'm working over half-time now because of the holiday closures, though the last stint before last Wed., which I had off -- I worked six days straight. Which might not be such a bad thing if I were healthy. I'm in a lot better place than I've ever been since my illness really kicked in, and I'm in a lot better place than a lot of people -- I'm further into recovery. Even on a bad day I don't dip below halfway on that "1=worst feeling ever" and "10=feeling really good" scale. Well -- maybe that other day I was a 4. But I still have my waking hours cut short because of my medications...which I have to be on, or I'd *really* be disabled. As in, unable to function.

So I can function, but my waking hours are shorter; meaning that I get up, go to work, get out of work, drive home, hop on the Internet, eat dinner, go to bed...and there's not a lot of excess time there. Add in to this that I'm expected to have presents for people this year...which maybe I shouldn't have even hinted at, but I make jewelry. So while I'm wanting to do more reading on the spiritual and otherkin stuff...and get back into playing guitar, etc., I have pressures on my time because I need to make gifts. And I need to go to work. And sleep, and take care of hygeine, and eat.

And everything else *would* get pushed off to the side, if I actually *wanted* to do things other than read and play guitar and be on the internet...instead I'm sporadically playing guitar and checking online and feeling guilty/stressed about not following up on my responsibilities. And then there are a large number of people who I don't know *what* to get for them for Xmas...so it's like even if I follow through on everything I've set out to do, it isn't enough.

Plus with all the holiday and work stress, I've started to get sick, and people being served by my workplace (I work in a public setting) are really getting on my nerves. It's to the point that I wonder if I should take stress leave so I don't blow up or (more likely) get hostile on someone.

I appreciate your concern...thank you. I need to go now...
2010-12-16 3:10
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Estelore
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Post: #4
Re: It wells up...
*shoulder pat* Well... take care of yourself, okey? I hope things work out for the best for you. :}

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2010-12-16 4:31
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House Hesson
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Post: #5
Re: It wells up...
It's not your obligation as a crafter to make anyone anything. Some skill sets make people assume that it's nothing to do that (and/or it has no monetary value despite having practical and/or aesthetic value to them) and that's not cool.

At work, concentrate on needing to accomplish your work. One task at a time. Often if one of us gets close to snapping at someone, zie can ask around for a replacement and someone else will switch in; it doesn't get rid of the feelings but it does mute them a bit. Note that we don't work with customers, though; we can be visibly tired or unhappy as long as we're getting the work done and being civil to the few people we talk to. This makes things a lot easier.

Writing and talking internally are how we handle ideas and feelings that we haven't got a handle on yet but can't (or don't want to) talk to outsiders about yet. Sometimes just allowing these things to be, and to keep working on what we can do, is all one can do for the time being anyway; there's a purpose to being in that uncomfortable place - understanding what made it come about, how it feels, and then how to move out of it.

-Shaynin

"All knowledge is worth having." -Phedre no Delaunay

"Everything has a price." -Jaenelle Angelline

"I think if you try, that's being your best." -Echo
2010-12-17 6:22
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Chordal
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Post: #6
Re: It wells up...
House Hesson Wrote:Shaynin:It's not your obligation as a crafter to make anyone anything.
Thanks for the reminder. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I've spoken about this to a couple of people over here and they say that Xmas presents are entirely optional, which ironically increases my willingness to make something. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

House Hesson Wrote:Shaynin:At work, concentrate on needing to accomplish your work. One task at a time.
I'll continue to try. I only have about three more days until I'm off, and I'm just trying to complete my commitments bit by bit right now.

House Hesson Wrote:Shaynin:Writing and talking internally are how we handle ideas and feelings that we haven't got a handle on yet but can't (or don't want to) talk to outsiders about yet. Sometimes just allowing these things to be, and to keep working on what we can do, is all one can do for the time being anyway; there's a purpose to being in that uncomfortable place - understanding what made it come about, how it feels, and then how to move out of it.
Thank you for this bit that I wouldn't have gotten on my own. I'd love to respond more in-depth, but I've got an early day tomorrow.
2010-12-18 7:30
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Post: #7
Re: It wells up...
Chordal Wrote:
House Hesson Wrote:Shaynin:It's not your obligation as a crafter to make anyone anything.
Thanks for the reminder. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I've spoken about this to a couple of people over here and they say that Xmas presents are entirely optional, which ironically increases my willingness to make something. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

LOL, yes. We prefer to make things for people who don't take it as an expectation, too. It feels good to be appreciated.

I'm glad it was useful and look forward to seeing any further comments on the situation that you have time to relay. I'm hoping to have some comments for your other post, myself, but still a little groggy from waking up and have to leave the house soon. ^^;

-Shaynin

"All knowledge is worth having." -Phedre no Delaunay

"Everything has a price." -Jaenelle Angelline

"I think if you try, that's being your best." -Echo
2010-12-18 16:51
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Chordal
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Post: #8
Re: It wells up...
I'm interested in what you have to say on the other post, just to let you know. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->
2010-12-19 6:56
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Archer
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Post: #9
Re: It wells up...
You're probably almost off work for Christmas so this is a bit late, but I'll throw my thoughts in any way.

Chordal Wrote:It's been so long since I've been in a spiritually and emotionally dark place that I'm not entirely certain how to deal with it. I don't feel "normal" at times like this (though I'm not very certain how often I actually pass for "normal"), and I don't know how other people deal when they experience this (as I'd think they must, at times).

At the risk of provoking a tl;dr, it's a little hard to know how to respond to you being in a "dark place" and having "a strong amount of darkness" in you, without knowing what you mean. Do you mean it in the sense of depression and other generally unpleasant feelings, or in the sense of having a side to you that while perfect for "you" meshes very poorly with the world you have to live in? Or something else?

Quote:This is compounded by not being able to speak about this angle of things with the people closest to me.

May I ask why you can't speak with them?

Quote:And I've never had to deal with this so long as I've been employed.

-=snip=-

Thing is when I go to work and I am basically reeking of this...feeling like I must be radiating, "I'm on edge. I don't want to be here right now. Don't engage me," the only things I can think of to do are: 1) be wholly with it and honest in the moment, meaning I may scare some people, and that I set myself up for unnecessary emotional suffering; 2) attempt to deny it and play like everything's good, which is not honest, and may scare people *more* when a flash of how I'm actually feeling escapes; or 3) attempt to boot whoever's fronting and only allow them out when things aren't depending on my being not-angry and not-frustrated and not-cold, etc.

If you can fairly easily switch between whoever's fronting, that might be a good strategy . . . though not so good if it means certain people in your system stop trying to handle some situations (and later get forced into them). But as a purely practical step, is there anything stopping you saying to co-workers "I'm not feeling on great form today, so I'm not likely to be too chatty"? They don't need to know why; if they press you can claim a migraine or that you have a virus coming on or anything like that. Certainly trying to be 100% chipper when you're around people is going to be trying on anyone, let alone someone with health issues and the inherent difficulties of sharing headspace.

Quote:How do you deal with this, IRL?

Depending on the location, I drink a Red Bull or a daiquiri, heh. Chemicals are perhaps not the best method, though <!-- s;-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";-)" title="Wink" /><!-- s;-) -->

On days when I simply don't want to bother with being friendly, an all-purpose claim of tiredness or similar is useful (often true in my case, as health issues can themselves lead to a lot of unwillingness-to-interact). If it's a bit more fundamental than that, and not just with "darkness" but also with one of me very much wanting to front and do some thinking when the rest of me has to do something (eg work), I can use a kind of forced dissociation. Essentially, "Say" (that's the host) runs background processes, like work tasks, using a computer, or talking to people - while "Tal" (that's the shadow hosted here) gets the majority of processing power to think about what he wants to think about. Co-consciousness, at least to a certain degree, is probably fundamental to this - and I don't know how much co-consciousness you have. But think of it as the times when you walk or drive home, and have been daydreaming, and don't remember how you completed the journey. Your conscious mind was thinking about something, while your unconscious was able to perform complicated tasks to a high degree of specification.

It might be possible to do the same with work - farm out the co-workers and customers and interaction to a calmer, less intrusive part of yourself, while the darkness gets loose in your headspace and thinks/does whatever it has to.

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

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2010-12-21 23:51
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Archer
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Post: #10
Re: It wells up...
Chordal Wrote:Even on a bad day I don't dip below halfway on that "1=worst feeling ever" and "10=feeling really good" scale. Well -- maybe that other day I was a 4. But I still have my waking hours cut short because of my medications...which I have to be on, or I'd *really* be disabled. As in, unable to function.

Keep in mind that your current stamina levels are yours alone. Someone else could maybe work an 80 hour week and party all weekend with no ill effects, but that's irrelevant to you. So what if others have more time? If you run a marathon and then go to the gym to lift weights, you won't lift nearly as much as someone who goes to the gym right from bed . . . even if you're a lot fitter.

Quote:So I can function, but my waking hours are shorter; meaning that I get up, go to work, get out of work, drive home, hop on the Internet, eat dinner, go to bed...and there's not a lot of excess time there. Add in to this that I'm expected to have presents for people this year...which maybe I shouldn't have even hinted at, but I make jewelry. So while I'm wanting to do more reading on the spiritual and otherkin stuff...and get back into playing guitar, etc., I have pressures on my time because I need to make gifts. And I need to go to work. And sleep, and take care of hygeine, and eat.

I had two thoughts here. The first is that learning to say no to people is, in my experience, very important in dealing with any kind of debilitating illness. Especially when you look better, it's very tempting to try to go at the pace you were used to, rather than the pace you can now manage. It's better to say no, take fewer committments, and do a good job with them . . . than it is to take on more than you can manage, do a poor job, and half kill yourself in the process.

The other thing is what a gift is anyway. To veer into my favourite topic - myself - a few years ago I had a very serious illness that could very well have been fatal. I was severely ill for months, and still feel some effects. Just before Christmas 2008, I got some new medication that basically woke me up. It was only after I was "awake" that I realised just how ill I'd been. Anyway, what's the point of this? My nearest and dearest all told me, unequivocally, that "awake Archer" was the best present I could possibly have given them. The moral is, you mean far more to your loved ones if you're happy and functional, than you ever could by crippling yourself to make them a token. I'm not saying don't make presents. I'm saying that no present you could make is going to be worth more to your friends than your health.

Quote:Plus with all the holiday and work stress, I've started to get sick, and people being served by my workplace (I work in a public setting) are really getting on my nerves. It's to the point that I wonder if I should take stress leave so I don't blow up or (more likely) get hostile on someone.

Totally pragmatically, I would vote against taking leave for stress because it effectively says you just can't do the job, and that could have repercussions a long way down the line. Now if you're ill and working is exacerbating that illness, it's a different matter, take time off - but personally, I'd advise against job stress being a reason to take sick leave from, well, your job.

I hope you're feeling better. But if you're not, and it tires or stresses you to reply, then don't think for a moment you need to take time and energy to read these forums or even this post. The second something causes you more harm than it heals, start backing away.

I appreciate your concern...thank you. I need to go now...[/quote]

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

Quote:"I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a hell of a lot more if I had been understood."

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2010-12-22 0:02
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