Introductions.

Please bear with me on this introduction as I, personally, dislike introducing myself without good reason -- those whom I matter to will find out eventually, and those whom I do not will find their time wasted. I continue purely for custom's sake as well as for a chance to receive questions (I do so enjoy answering questions, you will find).

The reason I am here is because I find myself incredibly dissatisfied with how stagnant I have become in these matters as well as to find an objective view on my own situation (as I am unable to find that most otherwise).

As for myself, I don't typically enjoy carrying a set name and find myself rather tired of my current one, so call me whatever you like. Another rather ponderous dilemma is that I don't honestly know much about myself in terms of likes or dislikes. My favorite food? I don't seem to have one, as as long as it is food and tastes good, I find no reason to place it above others. Such a view stubbornly maintains itself throughout, so such questions are met with a resounding "I have no idea". It leaves very little room for material in a self-imposed introduction.

Another thing that you may have noticed is that my posts are incredibly lengthy and rather grandiose. Unfortunately, this is both how I write and speak under normal circumstances, so those who dislike it will find very little relief [unless I purposely "dumb it down" for the purpose of said relief, which is not only rather difficult but painful, as well].

I am not entirely sure what kind of otherkin I am, however I will note that I have recently become closer to that answer. Oddly, I find that there is a separate entity that is me that is an angel that exists outside of my body. It has my mind and has my will, and I can feel that it is me, but it exists outside of my physical form -- typically wrapped around me and conforming to my human form in what my friend (who can see auras) refers to as an energy coat.

I also feel myself a demon, however, though this has been a somewhat recent change. This, unlike my angel part, exists inside of me and is strongest in the right side of my body, specifically my eye and arm / hand. This part of me works with energy and the internal workings of the body. The most significant indicator of this is the sheer pleasure I get from another's pain, especially when I am the cause of it. This is rather new and coincides with the time of my demonic awakening.

__________

The true start of it was when I was quite young and entered into a rather severe depression where nothing felt of worth. The one major happiness I had in the world was none other than my pet kitten, whom I was very attached to and reciprocated my feelings. When my mom met who is now my step-dad, I had the premonition -- "he will be good for your mother, but he will inevitably cause you pain", so when it came time when my mother asked if it was ok for her to marry him, I looked to her and nodded. "He is not for me, he is for her. Let her be happy, I'll handle whatever pain I will, but it is unfair for me to deny her just for myself." We got along rather well, though, and he didn't cause any unnecessary problems for me, so I put it out of mind. Well, one day, he left the door open and my cat escaped. I sank deeper into my depression until my cat returned not but two days later. Everything was ok again.

A few months later, my cat is pregnant. She was a rather small cat so her life expectancy after a birth was low. It didn't help that she had a rather *large* litter of kittens, either. But as I stared to her, rather happy that the whole ordeal was finally over, I realized she wouldn't die from it. All was ok. She would recover and be well on her way.

My step-dad's dog killed her. All of her kittens as well.

Irony.

I died, myself, of course. I began rotting away, a corpse, as I no longer had anything in this world. But the world didn't care one bit -- it was if she never existed in the first place, and I wasn't expected to grieve at all, since "it's only a cat". So I didn't cry. I didn't do anything. I just ignored it and acted as if nothing happened. She didn't exist anymore.

It goes without saying that I eventually went comparably insane. About three weeks later, I lay on the couch, unable to fall asleep due to the pain I suddenly felt. My body writhed, it was in so much pain, and I was out of breath for doing nothing. I burned, burned, and my mind would not stop thinking. Thinking. That's all it did. It would think about everything and anything it could. It moved further and further out until I found everything. I knew everything. My mind branched, split off into multiples, and all I could do was monitor it, listen to its vibrations as if it were nothing but many, many strings across an instrument, each singing its own song as it found more and more information. A beautiful cacophony, it was, and I was content. My body, of course, wasn't able to handle this too well, and it spasmed just under that of a seizure.

But then I wanted to know. "What does death feel like? What did she feel as she died?"

It started with just one string. It could not find the answer, however, and soon other strings were helping. They searched, lines, searching harder and faster until each and every one was in on it. They found the hole, the emptiness -- they would not know how death felt. Unless I felt it, of course.

"The knife in the kitchen." They sang to me, my body already beginning to stop as it began to receive its instructions. "Through your stomach, so you will be satisfied before you die completely." They ordered me to obey, and I longed to do so. I ached all over, and my entire body felt the need to listen to the commands, but it was paralyzed, unable to move, unable to get up, no matter how hard they screeched at it. Until, of course, she came -- "What the **** do you think you're doing?!" she yelled at me. Of course, I was bewildered, and the strings all stopped in and stared in the silence. "Do you really want to die?!"

She was my first spirit. Looking back, I feel as if she was the very cat I had loved and longed for.

And that was my first true experience with something "different".

As time went by, more and more spirits decided to rest inside of me. It was a very positive thing for me, as well, as I now had something to keep me company and talk to. I often allowed them to wander out into the world of the internet and so, through me, they could live again. I did not know at the time what they were (indeed, I considered them akin to Multiple Personality Disorder, a side-effect of the "insanity"). I lasted an incredibly long time in this period, in which most of the spirits eventually "moved on" (they left me, but I was left with almost no recollection of them except, essentially, a "thank you").

Not all of the spirits were positive, however -- I was once almost forcibly possessed by what appeared to be a spirit in the shape of a golden human form (just form, as if made of wires, with many spaces between them). It had been stalking me a bit, appearing in the living room whilst I was on the computer every so often and just watching me. I would often take notice, but would pay no attention to it. One day, however, something inside of me called out to it, beckoned for it to come. It came, slowly gliding over to me before wrapping its arms around me in an embrace and slowly melting into my body. It immediately began to arrest control from me -- I would want to do things without a clear reason for wanting to do them, and my body would suddenly move without me telling it to. The thing that had called to it, however (which I now believe is my demon-part), knew what to do -- it shut down my body's movement and then proceeded to create two firm barriers, inside the most central of my being and outside, surrounding my body. Then it grinned and smashed the two barriers together, crushing the spirit and causing it to give the most outlandish scream of pain. Surprised and piteous for the thing I had not wanted to hurt in the first place, I opened up a small hole and the spirit forced its way out, leaving behind a ripped shoulder in the process. My demon was incredibly satisfied, though gave me a small slap on the wrist for being merciful to it.

The spirit eventually came back to watch me, but it was much weaker and tried to stay outside of my spiritual sense. It was incredibly wary and would not approach for any reason after that.

And then another day, not incredibly long ago, I woke up and my "personalities" were gone. They had been systematically eaten. Sure, I still felt their energy, but they no longer had a will nor was their energy truly focused anymore.

I went through an incredibly horrid energy deficit and felt myself wasting away. One of my friends, however, suggested I try to take in the energy around me, something that I hadn't done in a long time as doing so was generally without merit.

The energy collected into my hands and, amazingly, began to swirl around my arm before thrusting itself into my chest, my heart. This was entirely foreign to me, as before, I was completely unable to move outside energy to any place beyond my hands. The next day, I felt rather refreshed, though I took in such a large amount of energy around me that my friend, a vampire himself, complained about how it was practically suffocating.

But I was not able to take from living things, only the energy they cast off. If I tried to take from something that was living, it would give me an intense burn -- even small things such as plants (albeit with a lesser consequence).

This did not last, however, as I soon found myself able to handle the pain of the fire. I drank it in from plants, at first, then went on to humans. Personally, I do not understand why somebody would want to filter the energy from humans, and this has always puzzled me -- once I grew used to the fire, eating energy was incredibly fulfilling, especially from humans, though I did not indulge in such a thing often (but came close to killing the person when I took energy from him directly). Plants, on the other hand, are rather inefficient -- incredibly gentle and lacking the flavor that I enjoyed.

During all of this, I began to notice the malevolent spirits around me as they began to target me. Hands would reach out to me from the staircase, wanting to grab at me, and at some places in the house, the shadows were darker than normal, as what light there was was even further dampened.

Until I ate them, too. During one especially demonic night, I grew hungry at the prospect of such things in my house. I called to them, just as I did the one past, and I felt their arrogance or hunger as they came to me, only to have them absorbed and crushed to the point that their will disappeared, leaving behind their incredibly satisfying energy. I did that until there were no more spirits in the house -- the ones that were malevolent would come when beckoned, and the ones that were not would shy away and leave.

Which is, essentially, my abridged history.

Questions?

Welcome! We definitely won't bug you about the length and style; when we're talking/writing naturally, we do similar. ^_^

No questions so far, though we should probably reread this when we don't have a sinus headache...heh...

-Svanni

This is much-too-much for me to read all in one setting, so I'm going to go with the idea that I'll get to know you eventually if you're on frequently enough. Welcome to the site.

Interesting, long winded and written in a 'who cares who's reading it' style. It appears that you lack a strong central identity and have become a spirit motel of sorts. That sounds a bit dangerous.

Mmm, it's different, now. Spirits tend to avoid me, now, considering my nature (not another one has really come near my house since), and as such I can't really say that I'm a "spirit motel" anymore. I was in the beginning, of course, and who would pass up a chance to live again?

As for my writing style, that is commonplace when I am not talking to a specific person and actually recalling a piece of my life -- I look upon it objectively to miss nothing but then speak of it subjectively so that the words cease to be words and actually carry with them some measure of life. It's rather effective, I've found.

I suspect your demon doesn't want to share, but what about you? No favorite food, no favorite name...no favorite anything? Not that I really care what you order on your pizza or even if you like pizza, but reporting that there is no favorite is significant.

Did you have any favorites before your cat died? What were they?

Mmm? Why wouldn't I want to tell you my favorites?

But as for my human, he doesn't seem to know anything about himself anymore.

A good example would be this -- he was asked to write a memoir about somebody who was important to him. But, the thing is... nobody is important to him. Or, if they are, he doesn't realize it. It's how it is for everything now.

His favorite color was orange and then later green. He also tends to favor violet now (ahah, I found out his favorite color! But this is only by recognizing what he favors -- he doesn't seem to consciously keep track of it).

I'm pretty sure he has favorites, he just can't seem to remember them.

On a further note, I only say that "he" is a separate person because he who was writing beforehand and the he who is writing now are different in their own way. I would say that, right now, I am more demon as opposed to what I was before (which I would then deduce as being angelic). It's quite an interesting thing, especially since I know what it's like to have other spirits -- we are the same person, I am sure of this, and yet his actions are quite interestingly not what I would do or say.

But as for what I like, just ask. I could make a humongous list of boring stuff that is unimportant and then decide not to post it because it is just that large, or I could answer questions (which will probably be no less long, but I'd post anyway =P).

Salutations

Glad to hear you like questions
I'll try to formulate some decent ones for you.

Welcome <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s --> The downside to really long posts is that people like me with a short attention span for text on a screen won't be able to get through them in one sitting. I'm sure I'll have questions for you eventually.

XD.

Really, everything below the line is unimportant and can be read at your leisure. Anything of worth is above it.