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Identity updating
Chordal
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Post: #1
Identity updating
I'm thinking of making a more updated version of a document for the Articles subforum. This will basically be from the point of view of someone who has considered themselves otherkin for a while and has had time to think it over. Basically a 2013-type of thing from a jaded otherkin. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> I haven't been active on other sites, so I am not sure if the other sites are as quiet as this one; however, I've been thinking on communities based on identity and how they basically self-filter. For instance, one hardly ever sees anything from someone who regrets transition, in transgender-oriented groups -- though from experience I know they're out there, and I know that reasons for detransition aren't always about being anti-trans. People just tend to disappear, which makes the narrative of the groups skewed in the direction of positivity -- which in turn causes people to feel that they do not belong if they do not cleave to the narrative. I know, because it's happened to me. (My own case is not so clear-cut, though; it has to do with finding out that I'm genderqueer and not transsexual, therefore groups which are made of transsexuals for whom transition has worked, are not really the thing I need.)

To me, it seems like there is a segment of the (present or past) community -- otherkin community I'm referencing, here -- which goes silent when they start to consider their identities over the long term. I'd been thinking of writing something about how having malleability and flexibility of beliefs doesn't necessarily make one not-otherkin, or mean that they should exclude themselves from the communit(ies). On top of this...I've also been thinking about my book collection and how I've been after spirituality and reading about religion (with interest in the occult) for a good part of my young adulthood, and have gotten to the point where I wonder if it's a dead end (shoddy research and lack of substantiation for claims, tend not to really work in favor of one's argument). And if it is a dead end, this puts me into a dilemma where I've invested a lot of time, energy, and money into studying something that may end up being a house of cards. So it's like, do I turn my attention more wholly to something that I know has a much greater chance of making my life better, materially? Or do I continue on in the vein of culture and just keep smacking my head when people present false (or at least, extremely questionable) claims as valid, and just, you know, pretend that maybe their thinking is more credible elsewhere in the texts? Where I don't have the knowledge to challenge them?

I was writing some fiction the other day, and...you know, I've let go of holding tightly to the merger hypothesis, in my own case. (That doesn't mean much of anything more than what it looks like.) What this led me to was a reconsideration of my own life narrative, where perhaps what I think happened and what I assumed from the start was not necessarily true. One of the possibilities this brought up was that *I* was and had always been the one who had the predilection to invite souls into my body -- that there was no invasion, there was an absorption. There was no death of another spirit; there was commingling, the thought of which kind of spontaneously emerged when I was writing. I am not sure if the original spirit I met (or thought I met) is still around, has been reborn, or is in me; in many ways, it doesn't matter.

Still, though, that doesn't mean I'm a demon. I still hold that I am a spirit, however. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> Just, not all spirits are sunshine and bubbles. The being I may be is just likely a lot more expansive and complex, now, than an archetype, and so I find myself hesitating to ascribe an archetype -- especially an archetype that I don't know that much about -- to who I am.

I did try the "Demon Jeweler" thing, and it didn't work out so well (as I actually became a bit more cold and angry/irritable when assuming that identity). I'm attempting to reframe my creativity now in a positive light (instead of the fear-based one I've lived with for the past 15 years), and in that way I'm growing, so there is life after updating an identity. I've seen newer people filtering in to this group, who may not have had the time to really deeply consider their own identities as otherkin over the long term (though I expressly can't remember how old I was when I entered the community -- probably this happened about a decade ago). And then there are the "oldbies," a lot of whom have gone silent, and I kind of wonder if it's because of a collective jading like what I've experienced, and hesitance to talk about it, for whatever reason...
2013-08-22 4:08
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