I don't want to be mixed

If at any point you think I’m full of bs, say so. I whole-heartedly agree. It’s very frustrating. I’m pretty sure I’m crazy (although psychosis has been ruled out by professionals).
I should also mention that this is only based on gut instinct. If I had evidence... I would probably still think I’m crazy.

My gut instinct has been telling me I’m not human (or as human as others) for as long as I can remember. However, it keeps changing what species I apparently think I am. For example, today, I identify quite strongly as a troll as I have several times before. I have also identified as definitely a jötunn. There have also been times when I identified as some sort of part goat humanoid. (Not a faun- that idea bugs me for some reason.) Also, quite often I feel like I should have a cow tail (don’t ask me why- I don’t know). If you had asked me awhile ago, I would have said that identify as some sort of chaos being. This is very frustrating. I have no wish to be some sort of monster hybrid. That’s stupid. Hence, why I am calling bs on myself.
On top of that, I can’t even seem to stick to one area. Lately, I feel way more connected to Scandinavian stuff. When I was kid, I was all about Ireland. Not so long ago, I felt certain I had some connection to Egypt. It makes me feel stupid. Especially the Egypt thing since I one of the things that stay constant about me is that I hate heat.
I do like water in its liquid and solid states quite a lot. That’s another constant.
Ok I’m rambling now. So... if I may ask for some advice? I’m wary of looking for answers because I’m afraid I’ll make myself see them where there aren’t any. However... eh I don’t know. Opinions?

Disclaimer: I am aware of what I sound like. I am aware that I am probably bat crap crazy. I am also aware that I didn't choose this, but people will believe what they like.

Well, assuming you're not bat crap crazy, have you considered that you are a chaos being of a sort that is a shapeshifter or has a sort of polymorphic tendency?

Yep. I think the shapeshifting part is a given. Some days I'll be ok with it and then others I will be certain I am definitely a *insert species here* and feel upset that it changes.

Edge Wrote:If at any point you think I’m full of bs, say so.

I think we're all eternally confused by our non-human identities, so it's not just you who thinks of themselves as crazy! Nothing about your post screamed BS at me either.

Edge Wrote:I have no wish to be some sort of monster hybrid.

Unfortunately, the reality of identifying as otherkin is that we cannot pick what we are, we just are. It'd be like being upset at having brown eyes instead of blue. Blue eyes might be what you want, but it's not what you've got. I myself am a hybrid and while it's not my first choice 'kin-wise, I do still enjoy it.

Edge Wrote:It makes me feel stupid.

Don't feel stupid as an individual's likes/dislikes change over time.

Edge Wrote:Disclaimer: I am aware of what I sound like.

You sound like a confused individual who wants answers on things that are hard to definitively pin down. Don't worry, we all get these feelings regarding being 'kin. It's part of the unfortunate reality that none of this can be proven to be real.

My initial thoughts are that you're a shapeshifting polymorph. Have you tried taking on specific shapes consciously? I would assume that if you're a polymorph that changing shape at will would come just as naturally.

Hi Edge,

The thing that came to me last night when I was thinking about this was from my own experience -- that sometimes when we are something that doesn't have a name or any shared comprehensibility from sources outside of ourselves (and thus language [based on shared meanings] is inadequate to express ourselves), what we tend to do is latch onto ideas that express one or a few parts of what we feel ourselves to be. Then we can live that fully, but what our bodies and minds tend to return to tells us that these ideas are only fragmentary parts of ourselves, and not the whole as-it-is.

A major difficulty I've had is the desire to express all of myself at once, but I'm uncertain that this is possible, apart from doing some ("vibratory") energy work so that I feel like I am all of myself at once. This is a goal I haven't yet attained, but which could be interesting to pursue. (Kind of coming across as my own version of white light -- containing all [of myself, at least...but the definition of "myself" gets into philosophy]* -- instead of blue or yellow, or chartreuse, or magenta, etc. Or coming across as white noise instead of distinct frequencies or notes or a series of notes. Having the ability to be all of oneself also seems as though it would either grant and/or require that one be able to be anything else on the spectrum as well [not to say that actually physically enacting all of these abilities is necessarily a good idea, as inhabiting some choices cuts off the ability to inhabit others {for instance, if one went to jail}].)

A secondary difficulty I've been encountering, is trying to be something I only partially am because that "part" has a name and a role and a place, whereas the whole of me is much more complicated than that one part.

The other thing that came to me when I was thinking about this last night, is that it's possible that when one can't find a stable place within a given model of reality, chances are that one is encountering cracks in the foundation of that model. That is, the model itself is artificial -- a tool to the hopeful end of understanding -- and may not adequately explain everyone, even if it desires to. What it's important to remember is that the model is just a tool that people have created to try and understand reality; it isn't reality itself.

What I've found, which really seems to help, is that if I allow myself (within reason) to be whoever or whatever I am in the moment, it's a lot more satisfying to me than it is to try and restrict myself because of a preconceived notion of who "I" am, or who "I" think "I" should be. In my own case I have a number of ground rules that I rarely if ever cross (like the ones which stand against my perpetrating violence in absence of necessity or realistic threat), and that's just to keep myself and those around me, safe. But there is a lot of variation to who "I" can be. There's a lot of wiggle room. And I think that this is a good thing, not a bad one. It does get difficult, though, when we want to live one life to the exclusion of the others, and we cannot! I definitely sympathize with you there.

*As for this definition of "myself," I hypothesize that if I did have the experiences that other beings have lived through, I would in effect be those other beings and react and feel the same way they do. "If you were me, you'd understand," has kind of been a motto for me since I was young. Apply that motto equally to all living beings and you have the basis for radical compassion, as well as a view into the nature of spirit and soul (and also, should one accept the definition, into the basis of Deity as that which inhabits all).

Elinox Wrote:My initial thoughts are that you're a shapeshifting polymorph. Have you tried taking on specific shapes consciously? I would assume that if you're a polymorph that changing shape at will would come just as naturally.

Yeah. Most of the time, it changes on it's own. Sometimes, I've played with changing it and it didn't work all that well. Sometimes I've played with changing it and it did. (None of that is physical, obviously. It just feels like it.) I don't know how much of that is because I don't want it to change.
I don't know. Calling myself a polymorph kind of sounds like the otherkin equivalent of ninja pirate zombie robot. (No offence is meant to polymorphs. I'm just skeptical of myself.) But you're right.

Elinox Wrote:Unfortunately, the reality of identifying as otherkin is that we cannot pick what we are, we just are.

Chordal Wrote:The thing that came to me last night when I was thinking about this was from my own experience -- that sometimes when we are something that doesn't have a name or any shared comprehensibility from sources outside of ourselves (and thus language [based on shared meanings] is inadequate to express ourselves), what we tend to do is latch onto ideas that express one or a few parts of what we feel ourselves to be.

Personally, I can name several names that express what I am (or would if other people read folklore). I can find lots of shared comprehensibility to a certain extent. Also, when I identify as something, I identify fully as that something. Maybe a bit different, but not any more than any individual would (I don't think).
The problem with mythology and folklore is that there are a lot of archetypes, a lot of overlap, a lot of history, the stories got changed over time, we don't really have any reliable sources since many stories were passed down by word of mouth before being written down, there has been narrator/translator bias (for example, Christianity), several words mean the same thing/took on the same meaning or took on different meanings to different people, different people borrowed mythology from other people, names were changed, etc. And that's not even getting into the conflicts with science and reality.

True Edge, but at the end of the day you have to either choose to believe you're 'kin or that you're not. No one's going to come to your house and brandish a billy club and yell that you can't be something.

Joking aside, I do understand your hesitation and doubt though.

Darn it. I wrote out this long answer and then the forum logged me out before I could post it. Here I go again.

To be honest, avoiding being yelled at and/or being told I can’t be something is why I up the skepticism when I talk about it. I guess some part of me thinks that if people think I’m beating myself up for it, then they won’t. Not exactly healthy, but there you go. ( I do maintain a certain amount of skepticism. Just not as much as I make it sound.)

I think it’s pretty obvious I’m otherkin (whether I want to be or not). But then, I’d consider myself otherkin even if it was some sort of mental illness. I do not think I will find any evidence that will convince me one way or another. (That assumption is based on my experiences so far.) What I do know is that trying (and failing) to force myself to not believe it at all has caused me nothing but problems. What I have decided, therefore, is to believe in my otherness and the way I see the world while being aware that it may not be real.
Actually, I realized that what really bugs me about the shapeshifting thing is more other people’s reactions to it than mine. When I’m a troll, I’m really a troll. When I’m a jötunn or hrímthurs, I’m very certain that’s what I am. When I’m a púca, that feels accurate to me. Etc, etc. And I feel fine with being whatever I am at any given time. Then I shift a bit. I think that if I tell people I’m, say, a troll and then another day I say I’m a púca (for example), then they’ll think I’m not really a troll or a púca. Like being a shapeshifter makes me less of a *insert example here* or means I can’t be *insert example here*. (I don’t feel like “more than” and do not think I am any more “special” than any individual of any species.)
Which doesn’t really make sense since we’re all considered human right now. If I am considered human, why can’t my other forms be just as valid?
Besides, according to things I’ve read (from sources I don’t trust mind you, but I don’t trust any source), at least four of the words I associate with myself overlap.
Of course, there are also problems with using the words that I know for sure cover me. I could call myself a faerie, but faeries are now associated with that “I’m going to invite faeries into my house to help me with magick!” crap or pretty boy elvin princes or some other thing like that. I'm not like those and don't want to be.

What you can do to avoid long posts being eaten is highlight everything in the "Reply" window and, if you're working on a PC, hit Ctrl+C (or right-click on the text and hit Copy). This will copy your post to the Clipboard. You can then open a basic program and Paste your writing there (Ctrl+V or right-click and select Paste), or you can take your chances and click Submit. Then, if you've been logged off, when you're brought back to the Reply screen, all you have to do is Paste what you've lost, try and remember your Subject line (if applicable), and hit Submit. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->

Yeah I know. I can copy and past on my mac too. I just keep forgetting to.