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How does this happen?
KyriltheBreaker
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Post: #1
How does this happen?
Otherwise known as the "Wow I fucked up because I wanted something to believe in" realization post. I'm sure most of us have gone through this at some point in their lives. However, we think we have this figured out now...or they do atleast...*twitch* Gah. It makes our brain hurt to think about it but we'll try and explain it as best we can.


How this happened; From the perspective of the host: Well...looking back on it now, I have to say that it has something to do with the fact that I had no idea what was going on when they were waking up, and thus sealed them away out of fear when I first encountered them when I was 12. I don't remember really how THAT was done, but fear is a great motivator I guess. Anyway, I first noticed Xilthanas, who was a shard from Mythanos but he will go into that later, when I was getting into my late teens, after having practiced paganism for a few years and done some inner work. Somehow I woke him up, but he was really confused, like his thoughts weren't all there or something. Little did I realize how close to the mark I was.

I wouldn't find out until years later, after meeting my current girlfriend, and waking up the other shards of Mythanos along the way, not even realizing who or what they were, thinking they were separate people and had always been that way. Then similarities started to become more evident. Like if you took all their features and mashed them together they would make the right face kind of thing. Then one of them mentioned Mythanos, and I thought at them 'who?' And then they went quiet. Four other voices, who were so intent seconds ago, were now silent. For some reason, I didn't think anything of it. And then, about six months ago or so, I noticed another box in my head. (Boxing: a defensive fear response some young children have to first encountering their headmates.) Thing was, I didn't remember this one. Like, I almost could, but it seemed not quite formed...like something that happened before I was born even maybe. *shrug* Haven't quite figured that out yet. And about a week ago now, the four shards of Mythanos were reintegrated, forming the old whole again. I couldn't have done that without my girlfriend. She played a large part in helping me make sense of all this. Gave me someone to talk to about it and help me work it out as best she could. So now, currently, there are 3 people in here now, myself/Kyrelanthor, Kyril, and Mythanos.

And thats all I really know. For my part anyway.

From the Perspective of Kyril: Well, I didn't wake up until about six months or so ago like he said, so I can't judge how he handled what he did to the others. I do have to give him credit though for managing to wake me. I was surprised at how well he handled it actually. Most people tend to atleast flinch when first meeting me, but he barely even blinked. So he had my respect pretty much right away regardless. Finding out about the shards of Mythanos was...interesting to say the least. Its not every day you hear about a soul being broken into pieces, nor about the events leading up to their reintegration. Being present for such a thing is fascinating by the way. Its like watching paints mix almost, or listening to an orchestra tune up before assembling a moving tune. Fascinating. As for me, I've always been me. Who I am is not important really. I could care less what my station is or whether or not I'm the strongest/fastest/toughest whatever. I just want to see how deep this rabbit(the host) is willing to go down the hole.

From the perspective of Mythanos: Fine, I suppose I'll say something. Alright look, I was broken. Sundered. Torn into four different pieces. Do you have any idea how that feels? It hurts. Alot. I could care less who thinks what of me. All I want is to get home. All I want is to feel the thrill of war again. To hear the sound of metal singing off metal, to feel my sword threshing down all in front of me because it is what I DO. I destroy. I condemn. I judge and execute. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't pretend to be civil. I don't pretend to care. Does this mean I'm a brute? No. I just know my purpose and duty. I carry it out regardless of circumstance. Outside of war...thats different. I had family once. Probably still do, considering the longevity of my kind. Do they know of me? Probably not. The family I have that still survives has probably lumped me into their family legends. But that won't matter. One day, I will leave this prison my mother wrought for me. What? Oh...About them. Right. Ah...Apologies.

My four pieces were named Xilthanas, Mythos, Lorancol and Alinias. Each of them essentially represented a facet of myself. Xilthanas, fanatical, biased, angry, and mostly unreasonable. Mythos, caring, logical, good-natured and intelligent. Lorancol, my darkness, desperate thoughts, sadist, a fiend of the worst kind. Alinias, shattered, fragmented, unhinged, somewhat incomprehensible but otherwise meant well. These four pieces...They were no less people because of their origins. There was sadness in the reintegration. A sense of loss. But it needed to be done. There was pain. But pain can be ignored. Worked through. Once it was over, there was clarity. A new sense of wholeness. A sense that while the whole is whole, the pieces still linger, in memories, mannerisms. A shadow of light. A piece of the whole. Me. Them. All of it. And thats where we stand now. I'll hand it back over to the host now.

Well...really have no idea if this is the end of it or not...probably not. I still have no idea what I am really. Kyril seems to think he is my otherness, but I thought that about the other four as well. I'm keeping my eyes open this time, instead of latching onto something just because I feel lost in an ocean of doubts and fears. And thats probably the best lesson or advice right there. Don't cling just because your afraid. Huh.

Anyway...I hope no one really thinks less of me because of this...I feel enough like an ass already for jumping the gun for years and years...*cringes in preparation for flaming*

2010-01-31 10:26
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vampyre_smiles
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Post: #2
Re: How does this happen?
Yes, everyone has times when they make a discovery about themselves that doesn't fit with their old way of seeing themselves. And although no one in may system has integrated, let alone four together, nor are any of us pieces of some other person, but I'm certain any large change like that is confusing. I only recently realized that I wasn't the original in this body, but I came in very early. If there is anything left of the soul/spirit that originated with this body, that is used as a mask to the world. I'm the longest-standing inhabitant of this body, but there were others that have left long ago and the newer inhabitants are walk-ins with their own bodies in other worlds/realms/etc.

I think sometimes people get too attached to a certain idea about themselves, or relate too much to who they are within a specific group, whether external or internal. Maybe I misunderstood something you wrote, but I don't see how Kyril can be "your otherness" unless he is somehow a part of you...

Also, most (if not all) of what you (plural) said sounds completely reasonable, so I wouldn't worry about flames. It's good to be a little skeptical of yourself, but sometimes you just need to believe something to get through today.

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2010-01-31 23:50
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kahoku
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Post: #3
Re: How does this happen?
realization can hit you like a sledge hammer. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> i know what it feels like, in fact i'm going through something like a second awakening but lacking the first... difficult to explain. <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> no flaming to be expected. <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin -->

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2010-02-01 8:48
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KyriltheBreaker
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Post: #4
Re: How does this happen?
Thats the thing vampyre. We all thought he was who I used to be before this life kind of thing. But it didn't make sense to me really because, if he is who I was, wouldn't that mean he wouldn't be separate? Wouldn't I remember the things he does? To top that off, I remembered something he has no clue about. So, can't be my otherness. Things don't add up. But I ate it up for awhile because I was kind of floundering. I didn't know what to believe for a long time. But at the same time, I couldn't believe in nothing. I needed something. Thankfully, we might have some idea as to what I am finally. Kyril keeps telling me that he gets a draconic feeling from my energy and Mythanos said the same thing a few days ago. And things do kind of add up as far as that. But I'm not going to dive for it like last time. I'm going to wait and see. Wheeee layers! O_o o_O

2010-02-15 3:19
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Ausse
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Post: #5
Re: How does this happen?
Diving for things isn't always the safest to do, though, so watch out for that. Zack, our host, use to actually do that, along with the help of a friend of his, but something got stirred up that shouldn't have. But if you can figure things out from a more passive way, then you can find out a lot more about who "you" (and we are using this is a rather plural term) are. Realization can come from just about anything, take one of us for example. Alfred, our second realized resident, was awakened during a powerpoint on the concentration camp of Dachau (it was during Zack's tenth grade Social Studies class), but others, like Chamberlain (as well as the rest of the kitsune facet) were discovered merely on their own. Things that come in parts like that are actually pretty common. Well, a "facet", that is. Kind of like a box. With all sorts of knickknacks and baubles in it.

And as for the separation thing, I've been through similar (this is our host, speaking), as I thought that Juedeas was always who I use to be, because I had so many memories of his, but when our second awakening happened, I realized that he wasn't me at all. Just another knickknack from the box. Just like me. It's just something that you have to watch out for, no matter how crazy it gets.
2010-06-07 1:56
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