Getting closer: body visualization
I just wanted to write something related to the 'kin/energy-related aspect of my life...and figured this was the best place for it. I'm not on otherkin forums, generally, and I'm not "out," generally. Even though I could post about this over on my blog, it isn't a good idea when people know my artwork already.
I've just decided to hang out here, because at least people here tend towards being serious.
As for what's going on with me 'kin wise; I've made the decision within the last two days to stop trying to fit my imagined form into a therian mold. I tend to be a person who would rather things be rational than not; however, my friendship (if it can be called such) with one other person has really pushed me to the point where I'm thinking it's more OK to envision and accept things which may not have physical correspondents. So, for instance, it's possible for me to have a form which does not and never did and could not physically exist on this planet. Irritatingly enough for me, I kind of would be therian if I had a choice between therianthropy and being otherkin, largely because I'm not into myths and the like. But reality doesn't really conform to what we expect or want.
I was thinking about this last night and did get a basic sketch done of the body I was imagining. Now that I'm back here, and I've looked over my backposts a tiny bit, it's pretty obvious that a lot of this has been here for a while. I just never really allowed myself, or thought, to put it all together.
So, I'm thinking that I do have a basic energetic form. There's a snakelike, long, prehensile body and tail; two jointed, bony, webbed wings coming from the top part of the "torso" if that can be said to exist, analogous to my arms and hands; two arms or claws emerging from the front of the chest at about the same height (think X-Wing Fighter for limb positioning), also analogous to arms and hands. No legs to speak of. Extended, snakelike rib cage. Snakelike (or dinosaurlike) head, yellow eyes, slit irises, sharp teeth. The wings aren't big enough to lift a body in Earth's gravity and atmosphere; they're used for "swimming" (whatever that means). There's a crest of what is likely a scale or large bony plate at the top of the skull, with two other plates emerging from the cheeks and sticking out past the back of the jaw. The tail has a crest of bony plates which emerges from the back of the spine; these get larger and larger the further they extend back from the body, forming a kind of floral pattern when the tail grasps something and a somewhat sharklike tail silhouette (except for the separation of the plates and the length/diameter of the tail). They're also used for "swimming;" closest analogy is the tip of a crocodile's tail. Entire body is scaled or plated. Feels like it probably absorbs ambient energy and is aquatic.
Rudimentarily, this looks like it matches a draconic form, however, there is the strong kinship with demonkin I've felt in years past (not so much with dragons), which I've basically only pushed to the back of my mind for the sake of getting along in the world. Family has stopped overreacting to the terms "demon" and "demonkin" because they realize that what I'm talking about isn't what they're talking about.
This form has held pretty stable for the last several months, at least. Visualizations that tend to recur most: sharp teeth, prehensile tail, wagging/thumping tail, wings at upper back. There is the feeling of strong, grasping hands and claws (calling up what I know of "grasping" in Buddhism). In artistic rendering, I'm uncertain whether to depict these as I feel them, or as human -- as my hands (my capacity to create) are a big part of what goes into the human part of my identity.
After all of that, it's probably safe for me to say that I haven't had much, if any, overt spirit interference within the last several months. But then, I've been really busy working on my Art AA and trying to figure out career mess and work. Right now, I'm off on break, so I have a lot of time to fill...