RE: G'day ( :
Okay this will be a novel forgive me for writing so much, but I need to get closer to answers so here goes...
That is very fascinating, there were several parts that hit a cord in that link. Yes so the lines are not always so distinct... But they occaisionally are. In dreaming adventures I have often times found myself with what felt like a completely different personality. I have struggled for several years now with gender dysphoria, as I am biologically male, yet find it repulsive. But underneath that I have found that I have a distaste for, seemingly, having a physical body in general. Which has lasted far longer than the gender dysphoria. I often become frustrated -especially so in my younger years- when my body did not meet the standards and requirements I needed it for at the time. This almost always applied to physical exertion. Like sports or working out. Getting hurt too easily. "Why is this thing so flimsy and frail?" Even when I was a kid and to this day I have been dissapointed by the body again and again, and it makes me wonder "Where do I get this crazy standard from.?"
I can't tell you how many times ive wanted to scream from my body not being able to... I guess translate my emotions.
Whats more, since I was a kid, ive also had a germ phobia, which causes me a lot of problems to this day. Through deeper insight I find its not necessarily germs but organic matter in general? When I first learned about organs of the body I was mortified. I still have problems accepting even the most basic bodily functions today, and am seeking help about it. But I alwats notice everyone else seems just fine with it? Like how can you be so okay with being so... Gross. Which sounds AWEFUL and I wish I didnt think that way but I do...
I have never been satisfied in a physical relationship either. I just can't be attracted, yet I fantasize often about fictional or nonphysical characters and ideas. Like ghosts, goddesses, aliens, etc.
I have very conflicting and often completely different views on things at times, for example sexuality. Where on 1 side I find myself completely unnatracted to men (I dated a guy recently to try and I just couldnt stop scrutinizing every little thing about the poor guy) and besides that ive been in 11+ other relationships ive never been happy with .
And then another side whom i mentioned is a lady and IS attracted to men. As I explore her, I find the attraction increasing so we are trying to explore that. There is another side as well, whom I identify as the part that cannot be the 'front' because his behavior is socially unnaceptable. His name is Nergal and he is closer to the part that I believe could be therian. Essentially, to me He is the animal self (so it makes sense) that can act out however he pleases without consequence. And ESPECIALLY without shame. At risk of sounding really cringe and edgy, he is like a werewolf, a huge hulking beast running around thrashing and screaming, hunting, eating, killing and ( other unsavory things) as he pleases. Not that I have a desire to enact violence, but just having the freedom to do so if I wanted if that makes sense?
Thanks to VR I have been able to get more of a feel for Lily, and the personality switch is pretty noticeably different. Same with Nergal. Julian is completely different, quiet shy socially awkward. Fades into the background. Lily is the center if attention, nice loveable etc. But we are very much a team so its not like I'm fighting them you know? One if the main reasons I try to lucid dream and astral project us actually to fully embody Lily or Nergal. Because I see no way to in this body and it feels like I am trapped. Ive never had a sort of 'shift' from what you described ... But I do often fantasize about different bodies. Either Lily's goddes like form or Nergals walking monstrosity. It dies sound like I have mental shifts though, as I stated I am ttying to lucid dream so I suppose I could FULLY shift into either.
Finally... Thank you for all you be told me so far. In just those few posts ive learned quite a bit ._.