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Feeling Hopeless
Naida
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Post: #1
Feeling Hopeless
I've known of Otherkin going on 6 years now. I don't know how to explain how I feel about certain things without sounding like a nut. I'm a very shy and reserved person so it's hard for me to come out and talk about this.

My memories start from the time I was about 5 years old. I was being raised by my grandfather and we moved to Florida. I felt like a plague to the other children and this lasted pretty much through college. People tend to ignore me, make an effort to physically avoid me. I don't know whether or not this has anything to do with being Kindred... but that's why I'm asking.

Another issue I've been having: The past 4 years I've held the strong belief that I was something of the water. I don't know what to call it. But that's fading. I don't feel normal and I'm not okay. I'm actually quiet depressed over this and my therapist has no answers for me, because, well I'm not entirely honest with her. I have a daughter who's nearly two and I'm terrified of being "locked up" because I'm "crazy" and at the same time I feel like I'm losing my mind and myself. I'm also in the middle of a divorce, so I don't want my husband to have leverage on me, telling the courts I'm unstable. I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Is it normal to feel this way. I was so very sure of myself, since I was a little girl I've had an affinity to water... just fresh water. Like lakes and ponds and rivers and waterfalls. I don't know why. I've had reoccurring dreams that feel so much more detailed that any of the other dreams I've ever had of me being in a river. It confuses me.

I've tried meditation and the only thing I'm getting out of it is this path that I keep following until I realize I'm going in circles, the I walk off it and come to this waterfall and this beautiful brown and tan horse comes up to me and speaks to me but I never remember what he says when I come out of my meditation. And when I say speak I don't mean he's moving his lips, he just in my head.

Is anyone else this frustrated? I don't want to be "different" or "weird" I just want to live out this life, take care of my daughter and maybe have a little bit of peace. But I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I feel like something horrible is inside me, physically inside me. I just don't know what to do. Please someone, give me some kind of advice.
2008-10-20 10:43
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kahoku
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Post: #2
Re: Feeling Hopeless
i moved your topic to otherkin-general. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

i know what you feel like - being ignored or looked down upon by other people doesn't exactly make you confident in talking about your beliefs. i wouldn't suggest being too open about it anyway. however, i do think you should talk about it to your therapist. they won't lock you up unless they believe you're a threat to yourself or others, which is not the case. many of us have talked to professionals, and i don't know of a single case where they got into trouble because of it. just the opposite - it feels good to be able to talk about it, really. they may take it as a way of compensation or imagination, but that's actually a good and healthy thing. no reason to change anything about it, give you meds or anything.

as for discovering what you are, i suggest not trying too hard, it never helps. just focus on something else - your daughter, your job, whatever... it will come to you when you expect it the least.

i hope this helps. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

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2008-10-20 10:54
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chaitea
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Post: #3
Re: Feeling Hopeless
Different things work for different people. In my case, what really worked for me was online otherkin forums.
Sometimes just being able to express something can be a major relief and source of contentment in the matte. And if one of your major worries is who in your life would know and how they'd react, then what better place to get something of your chest then an anonymous internet forum with some possibly like minded individuals who can provide feedback without any judgmental and harsh reactions (hopefully).

When i first woke up i didn't have as much to lose as you seem to at this time. And for that i can't begin to imagine how hard that must be. If anything, you seem stable and reasonable in your execution of the issue. Since i don't want to seem to presumptuous (at least not anymore) I'll just go into my own experience more:

When i became aware of my being otherkin, i was a wreck. I don't usually go into details so overall i was quite unstable but if anything still able to function in social situations. What got me out of that funk was communicating with like minded individuals. We didn't always have the same beliefs and experiences, but it helped to know i wasn't alone in my thinking. After that i simmered down and the kin stuff wasn't a problem anymore, just another aspect of me. So what worked the best for me was just talking about it with others like me. Be it over the internet, phones, or in person.

So even if your still not comfortable enough to talk about this with a therapist, there are others out there who can listen. Sure finding them can be a pain, but from the looks of it you found at least one place that might be able to help you out so far.

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2008-10-20 12:52
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kahoku
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Post: #4
Re: Feeling Hopeless
perhaps, if it makes you feel more comfortable, try approaching the topic slowly with your therapist, see how they react to the idea. you could start off with telling them you dreamed of being (insert creature you identify with here), or tell them about the concept of otherkin, or part of it, without referring to yourself, or... i'm sure you can find a way that works for you.

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2008-10-20 14:52
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Motley
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Post: #5
Re: Feeling Hopeless
There is absolutely no reason why anyone should lock you up for identifying as otherkin. There are recognized religions around the world that have equally strange or even stranger beliefs. And assuming you're in the US, freedom of religion is right there in the first amdentment. So if a Hindu can belive they were a dog in a past life, how is that any different? Kahoku's right, usually they lock people up for being a threat to themselves or others. So, don't even think about offing yourself or anyone else. If you are having those kinds of thoughts then you really do need more help than we can give.

But as far as being otherkin goes, it has its rough moments, but once you settle down and learn to accept, it's not much different than your eye color or being left handed. It just is. You're still the same person you've always been really.

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"I inherited the spirit of the sun. I'll meet you when the day breaks through. It's time to shine and make all your dreams come true. Come on, wish upon a dog star!" -Hybrid
2008-10-20 16:48
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Deros
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Post: #6
Re: Feeling Hopeless
My advice is: take a breath, let it out, and try to remember that no matter what happens, there is always going to be somebody stranger still than you. Nobody is going to lock you up for thinking that you might have been something different in your past lives, at least not in this day and age. Just try your best to be happy with yourself, no matter how things turn out. Best of luck to you.

(this message brought to you by the local polymorphic draconic multiple)

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2008-10-20 19:00
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Naida
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Post: #7
Re: Feeling Hopeless
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who responded. I can't say my morale has improved much, but I feel a little less nervous about everything. You've all shown more kindness to me than people who are supposed to be very close to me, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate and needed that right now. Thank you so much for what you've done for me.
2008-10-21 0:41
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kahoku
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Post: #8
Re: Feeling Hopeless
that's one of the reasons why this forum exists. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

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2008-10-21 9:26
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Shailla
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Post: #9
Re: Feeling Hopeless
You are youself.
There's no need to say "Im water spirit" or "Im elf". It doesn't really matter.
Don't try to name yourself, just explore yourself and it will come in time.
So don't care about names or what you are.
Just be yourself. Act like yourself. Do whatever you like.

"Oh look I have wings on my back!"
"So.., does it mean you can fly?"
"I- I don't know.."
2008-10-22 13:06
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Archer
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Post: #10
Re: Feeling Hopeless
Naida Wrote:I've known of Otherkin going on 6 years now. I don't know how to explain how I feel about certain things without sounding like a nut. I'm a very shy and reserved person so it's hard for me to come out and talk about this.

I'd guess that just about every otherkin that comes onto a forum like this feels the same - concerned that their beliefs will be too out there, shy, and so used to not discussing this that they don't even have the words yet.

It comes in time.

Quote:My memories start from the time I was about 5 years old.

Do you know if there's a reason why? That seems on the late side for a first memory - do you have anything vague before then, or was it blank?

Quote:I felt like a plague to the other children and this lasted pretty much through college. People tend to ignore me, make an effort to physically avoid me. I don't know whether or not this has anything to do with being Kindred... but that's why I'm asking.

If people make an effort to avoid you, it's usually down to one of a few reasons:

- Basic social skills - just not knowing how to interact with people, what to say, how to say it, etc. To an extent I'd include things like dress sense/style and personal hygeine - if you look and smell like a bum (even without realising it!) people won't stick around. A lot of people - kin and non-kin - have difficulties with this. To an extent I do myself, but I've never really tried to get friends, so it hasn't bothered me.

- Pure personality. If there's something about you that people find hard to like, they generally won't make the effort.

- The intangibles; giving off "a bad vibe." This can come from a lot of things - energy (in a metaphysical sense), body language, a lot of things.

That to me is a big question for you: "Why do people avoid me?" It might seem obvious and I'll apologise if it is, but if that's one of your flags that you're unusual, you need to try to answer it step by step.

Quote:Another issue I've been having: The past 4 years I've held the strong belief that I was something of the water. I don't know what to call it.

Do you know why? Where did this feeling come from? Can you tie it to a specific incident or place? Or something you watched or read? Was there a smell of something, or a sound, that made you feel "ahh, this is right"?

Quote:But that's fading. I don't feel normal and I'm not okay.

It's okay to be not okay about this. Trying to figure out you're identity, who you are, is both a huge question and one that is fundamental to everything you do or feel. I'm not saying this to scare you - just to explain that when you become aware of a change in your understanding of self, it is reasonable and sensible to be concerned about it.

Quote:I'm actually quiet depressed over this and my therapist has no answers for me, because, well I'm not entirely honest with her. I have a daughter who's nearly two and I'm terrified of being "locked up" because I'm "crazy" and at the same time I feel like I'm losing my mind and myself. I'm also in the middle of a divorce, so I don't want my husband to have leverage on me, telling the courts I'm unstable.

First up, I would make sure any records your therapist has are completely confidential: ask, to be sure. If you decide that medication could help, make sure that your soon-to-be-ex could not possibly find out. Other than that: you're a mother, you're getting divorced, you're under stress. It is reasonable to have therapy and you (or your lawyer) can present it as reasonable.

Second of all, there is absolutely no possibiity of you being locked up so long as you are not dangerous. If you do become dangerous to yourself or others, or if you become stressed or depressed to the point that you can't properly care for your daughter,

Quote:I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Is it normal to feel this way. I was so very sure of myself, since I was a little girl I've had an affinity to water... just fresh water. Like lakes and ponds and rivers and waterfalls. I don't know why. I've had reoccurring dreams that feel so much more detailed that any of the other dreams I've ever had of me being in a river. It confuses me.

You're already ahead of the game. You were sure of something, now you aren't. So instead of just assuming your belief was right, now you can actually examine it. Sure is bad. Questioning is good.

Quote:I've tried meditation and the only thing I'm getting out of it is this path that I keep following until I realize I'm going in circles, the I walk off it and come to this waterfall and this beautiful brown and tan horse comes up to me and speaks to me but I never remember what he says when I come out of my meditation. And when I say speak I don't mean he's moving his lips, he just in my head.

If you don't remember the words, do you remember the emotion it caused in you? Have you ever had a horse or been riding? Or wanted to?

Quote:Is anyone else this frustrated? I don't want to be "different" or "weird" I just want to live out this life, take care of my daughter and maybe have a little bit of peace. But I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I feel like something horrible is inside me, physically inside me. I just don't know what to do. Please someone, give me some kind of advice.

Yes, other people are or have been this frustrated. They generally get the easy way out, though - if you get like this at the age of 19 or so you can drop out a bit, drink, sleep late, read anything, talk all day and night with people who you connect with. But you're grown up and in the real world so you don't get to do it the easy way, which in the long run is probably a good thing.

Next question. What is it that you feel inside you? Does it have shape, form, emotion, size, personality?

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

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2008-10-24 14:34
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