I was going to post this on my craft blog, but then remembered that the blog is publicly viewable and that I don't necessarily want potential future employers having *that close* a look in on my life...
My last Final takes place tomorrow evening. I've been trying to study, but really what I want to do is just forget about it and go to sleep until I have work and then my Final, and not worry about the grade at all. This is in an Economics course, and this last final has to do with international trade -- which is daunting because it pulls in Accounting knowledge; and from the time I spent in Accounting prior to dropping it, I know that there are some things about it which are counter-intuitive. For instance, the whole thing where "debit" and "credit", generally, mean the exact opposite in Accounting with regard to what they do from a non-banker's standpoint. More to the point, the polarity of accounts (as in what is meant when an account has money subtracted or added -- which is different depending on the type of account) is something that really intimidated me in Accounting and was part of the reason I dropped out (along with missing a 4-hour class because of the flu, and not knowing how to make that up).
There's one assignment which I was supposed to be taking care of piecemeal throughout Economics, but I didn't. I was saving the work for today because I knew I had all day to work on it. But I really don't want to work on it. I'm OK with getting a B...I just kind of don't want to let my instructor down. I know he expects a lot of me because I got the class high score on my tests for two tests in a row, despite not doing my homework. And I know that most professors don't like to give out bad grades.
It was the Economics and Marketing courses that I took this semester, though, that showed me that I don't necessarily want to go into business doing what I thought I wanted to go into business doing. So now it's just cleanup, I guess. Unless, that is, I actually do start taking silversmithing classes again. If I made jewelry out of silver and precious materials (gems, not just beads), there's a greater chance that I'll be able to support myself. This is as versus doing something which takes a lot of time (hence, a lot of resources) and is still underpriced, because it's hard (for me) to justify selling something which is relatively inexpensive in materials, but relatively expensive in labor...especially when the import price vastly undercuts me because of vastly lower labor costs.
And I was thinking, you know, instead of just going to bed and trying to sleep through my anxiety, maybe I should be looking at what it is that I want to do in my time off of school. I am signed up for a computer class over the summer, though; and I have extra work shifts in the three weeks prior to that... What I want to be doing, though, is getting back into sewing, and beading, and trying my hand at embroidery, and reading books related to all of that, and Daoism. But if I do what I'm thinking of doing, I won't have that extra time for long. Because of the nature of what I'm going through mentally, it's difficult to consider taking more than two classes in Fall -- unless I give up my job; and I have bills.
I should be able to take the class I was thinking of doing this Summer, next Spring, though. I'm just feeling the pressure because I have about 5 years (likely, maximum) until my primary caretaker retires, and then I'll have to have some way to substantially support myself. Luckily I do still have the option of a program which has helped me out before...I wonder if I should talk to my liaison/counselor about that program, again. I just feel like I'm being pulled in too many different directions. I start out on a path and then something else looks shinier to me and I go in that direction, you know?
Ehh...I'll do some research back into the Business program. It's possible I could take silversmithing at a local community college, it's just that I don't trust the teacher or the space to be safe...and then there are private lessons.