Dealing With In-Fighting?

Gabriel and Sasha are almost always going at it and it absolutely drives me nuts. (We wound up walking into a door because Gabriel had been fronting and then Sasha piped up and the two started bickering).

So...how do you all deal with in-fighting, if there is any?

--Sarah

I talk to Krae in a calm, sensible voice until she gets bored. Basically, if there's fights, it's between me and her anyways, so it's just like dealing with fights outside my head. For your issue, I suggest you take your solution from outside your head, too. If you have two friends who aren't getting along, how do you deal with it? And please be a better person than me and don't answer "Try to stay friends with both of them without interfering but inevitably neglecting the one I don't like quite as much."

Certain among us, including me, have made it clear that figurative skulls will be meeting figurative walls if anyone puts one or more of us in harm's way - physically or emotionally. This was accompanied by the very rational observation that, barring extraordinary circumstances, we all have to live together in this body for what will probably be about another 50 years. 50 years is a long time to live with someone who hates your very guts because you pushed zir buttons too much. And we have already had one mob-rule incident with removing a frontrunner whose emotions-run-wild threatened to stop us from going about our life, so the idea of someone stepping in to break things up is a very real one to us.

There's still bickering and it's almost as harsh as it used to be when Rhun half-wanted to run a sword through Cai because he's so weak by our warriors' standards. But that, I've learned to tune out, now that everyone's sticking to a mutually tolerable level of heckling.

We do still have problems with erring too much on the side of caution with the outside world, but we're working on that slowly. I don't like that my own hang-ups are holding others back, but I imagine if someone else was having the freakouts I'd tend to be patient and try to help draw them out rather than being bitter over what I can't do yet.

-Val

How we deal with in-fighting depends on who is fighting and how they are fighting. Generally speaking we have found that intervening in any physical fight within gets the intervener attacked by the combatants. So we wait til they stop unless it is absolutely neccesary. And then we cheat. But then we also haven't done anything to each other within that would seriously hurt any of us so......*shrugs*
If it is verbal we might mediate or let them work it out, we are getting better at that one. Used to be we would stay out of that also and let the parties work it out on their own. So far as we know neither mode has caused whomever is fronting to lose focus. The entire 'you want sex - get thee to a nunnery' mess is reason enough on its own to help the parties converse......
*shakes his head*

If one of the parties is Jack conventional wisdom says it is a result of his lack of reverance - 99 times out of 80 this is the case.
Sha'de

My headmates and I really couldn't deal, thus their departure. =/

Blake and I fought a lot when we first discovered our multiplicity. In a nutshell, this is what went on:

Lishie: I don't want this, I don't want to be multiple, I don't wanna!
Blake: Oh, for [expletive]'s sake, would you like cheese with your whine?
Lishie: You're not real, some part of my subconscious brain made you up, be quiet!
Blake: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLno.

*dissolves into full-blown argument*

In-system fights also caused arguing with people outside. Blake would be in a foul mood because of the in-system conflict and being restrained by me, so he'd say unpleasant things to people - which caused me to fight even more with him.

And what made us stop? We learnt, somehow, to deal with it. The main thing we did was to put aside the anger and write civil-toned letters to the other explaining why we did what we did. Blake was protecting himself (and by fronting, protecting me too) from damage, be it emotional or physical, and by doing that he was pushing others away and getting the unpleasantness in first to prove he wouldn't lie there and take it. Not the best way to be dealing with that, and I told him so. I told him he was pushing away those I - and he - cared about, even if in his case the love and care was deep down past the aggression.

I was restraining him because I was scared, especially as Blake was stronger and even now can 'pull me out' of fronting. Like ... you thought you were getting your apartment to yourself, then you find out that you've got a flatmate. Immediately you'd be asking questions, maybe even angry and "This is my property!" like I was with my headspace.


I think if Sasha and Gabriel get their differences out in the open civilly and then work to resolve them, things might start to look a bit brighter. As you're 'in the middle', Sarah, I can understand why it feels frustrating. Every system is individual, so I can only give personal experience. But, I can say that - just like resolving conflicts outside of your headspace - this will need work from both sides.

Good luck to you three!



~ Lishie

Deros Wrote:I talk to Krae in a calm, sensible voice until she gets bored. Basically, if there's fights, it's between me and her anyways, so it's just like dealing with fights outside my head. For your issue, I suggest you take your solution from outside your head, too. If you have two friends who aren't getting along, how do you deal with it? And please be a better person than me and don't answer "Try to stay friends with both of them without interfering but inevitably neglecting the one I don't like quite as much."

If two of my friends aren't getting along and they ask me for help, I give them the honest truth of what I think: "which is leave me the **** alone because I'm not dealing with it. It's your fight, not mine." or I compare the two stories, come up with what both stories agree on and tell them, them decipher who's lying and who's not, then tell them what I think and a way to solve the fighting.

momo Wrote:Blake and I fought a lot when we first discovered our multiplicity. In a nutshell, this is what went on:

Lishie: I don't want this, I don't want to be multiple, I don't wanna!
Blake: Oh, for [expletive]'s sake, would you like cheese with your whine?
Lishie: You're not real, some part of my subconscious brain made you up, be quiet!
Blake: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLno.

*dissolves into full-blown argument*

In-system fights also caused arguing with people outside. Blake would be in a foul mood because of the in-system conflict and being restrained by me, so he'd say unpleasant things to people - which caused me to fight even more with him.

And what made us stop? We learnt, somehow, to deal with it. The main thing we did was to put aside the anger and write civil-toned letters to the other explaining why we did what we did. Blake was protecting himself (and by fronting, protecting me too) from damage, be it emotional or physical, and by doing that he was pushing others away and getting the unpleasantness in first to prove he wouldn't lie there and take it. Not the best way to be dealing with that, and I told him so. I told him he was pushing away those I - and he - cared about, even if in his case the love and care was deep down past the aggression.

I was restraining him because I was scared, especially as Blake was stronger and even now can 'pull me out' of fronting. Like ... you thought you were getting your apartment to yourself, then you find out that you've got a flatmate. Immediately you'd be asking questions, maybe even angry and "This is my property!" like I was with my headspace.


I think if Sasha and Gabriel get their differences out in the open civilly and then work to resolve them, things might start to look a bit brighter. As you're 'in the middle', Sarah, I can understand why it feels frustrating. Every system is individual, so I can only give personal experience. But, I can say that - just like resolving conflicts outside of your headspace - this will need work from both sides.

Good luck to you three!



~ Lishie

Thank goodness me and Gabriel never fought..we just have the usual nit-picking of friends, usually when I'm upset and he wants to comfort, but I want to be left alone. Then there's the "I'm sorry I was an a**. Forgive me?"

That's a good idea...We'll have to have a "talk" when we we're at home and see what's wrong. I'll be acting as "median" because if the two decide to get "physical", I'm not going to let them do something stupid.

Thanks all of the answers and y'all have some good suggestions. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s -->

--Sarah

I figure my "other half" is both the person I trust the most, and the person I know most about. In other words, our situation forces me to either trust him absolutely or go mad - and my access to his personal thoughts means I have more opportunity than anyone else to betray him.

So - when there's infighting, I don't deal with it by posting information on a message board full of strangers <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s -->

I kid, I kid. And that's not an accusation. It's just interesting to me that a lot of multiples both have a high degree of separation with their "other halves" (semi-verbal communication, not shared consciousness, clear-ish boundaries) but are also willing to discuss them online. I'm not married, but to me it would be a bit like putting marital problems online - except that a multiple system is potentially far more closely connected than a married couple.

I'm not accusing anyone of indiscretion - I just find it very interesting, in a boundary sense.

As for what I do when there are issues . . . well, first up, there's never in-fighting in the sense of "Let's eat beef tonight" "NO! I want chicken!" In my system there's simply no such thing as conscious disagreement like that. What there is, is differing desires and internal conflict. Things like . . . part of me wants to get damn well healthy again so that I can go back to lawyering; part of me thinks being sick is a brilliant opportunity for me to throw away my suit and become a comic book writer; part of me wants to move to Japan and train for Ninja Warrior.

Or maybe at night, part of me wants to go to bed and get some sleep, but part of me wants to stay glued to Wikipedia and keep on learning random and useless information.

Internal conflict. Like when you're starting at uni, 18 and free, and part of you wants to go to a big party and get stoned and drunk . . . while part of you wants to finish your damn essay. It's having options, and wanting to pursue all of them, but having to choose one or the other because despite what Louis Armstrong says, you don't have all the time in the world.

Now, how do I deal with that?

Well,I'm gonna throw in another analogy. Being part of a system is a little like being in a very close family. I think just about everyone who is close to their family has had a moment or two where they feel betrayed or used or mistreated, and they suddenly think "Wow, I'm not as loved as I thought." (Normally this is when you're 16 and want to go to a party, but not always).

What happens? Badly written TV families sit down, talk about it, reach and understanding, compromise, and move on in a fit of love. Real families storm off to their rooms, slam the doors, and sulk for a while until someone caves and makes a token gesture, or sulking is just too much damn work, and then they all pretend that nothing ever happened.

That's me. Sulk, slam doors, glare, say "I'm sorry" while meaning "I will not forget this." And, of course, still loving with all your heart even though you think the other party is an SOB.

Is there a more mature, better way to deal with it? Almost certainly - but so long as you have two people who have different desires and motivations and experiences, but nevertheless have to live in absolute intimacy, then there will always, always, always be times when you can't stand to be in a room with them - but can't stand to be alone either.

-ponder-

I was born with my shadow half, but I always kept him repressed until I was "in danger" (excited, which includes angry). Every time he was released, he grew a bit stronger, and so I kept him locked away since the only experience I had with him was when I was "destroying" the person who "harmed" me. >_>;;

And he sort of left it like that. It made him angry, of course, to be shoved into a box that was way too small, and so he would sometimes leak out and cause a few serious moodshifts or "haha, I'm going to get back at you for keeping me stuck in here" moods (which made no sense at the time).

Eventually, after I began to have multiples, he became more active and was let out of his box, though permanently chained up and banished. I acknowledged his presence and I let him stay in my body, but I would not tolerate him messing around with my life. As for my multiples, however, I gave them my right eye "to allow them to see even as I do". It was more or less just a way to say "what you do, everyone can see" and removing privacy barriers. If someone was out, what they did was open to everyone.

And then the girl came, took the right eye, and then proceeded to take the entire right side (which, incidentally, is actually "fair" when I think about it) to which my dark half was given custody over.

So... if me and my dark half ever actually had an in-fight... then the body wouldn't work as well as it should. It's not even a dark half, anymore, we are pretty much the same with just enough separate consciousness to realize what part of "us" was who, originally. I still have a "human" form and a "shadow" form, but I also have a "human shadow" form, and that takes precedence.

We don't so much as "fight" as we "compromise" -- our ideas either cancel the other out, immediately, or become something we both agree on.

We understand, Archer.

Here's how it is in our system:

Me and Gabriel (two different souls who are entirely separate but trust each other completely)
Me and Sasha (Sasha is a construct of mine or whatever word you use for creating a character and them becoming real; Sasha and I get along together because we're more or less two parts of the same person)
Gabriel and Sasha (dislike one another with a passion because they're completely opposite of one another).

Me and Gabriel have never fought; me and Sasha have never fought; but Gabriel and Sasha constantly push one another's buttons (which can be unbelievably funny, lol).

We're all completely open to asking other systems (and people) what they do when it occurs and if they have any suggestions about to deal with it. Mostly because it got so bad I had to do a "go to your bedrooms, shut your doors, and don't speak" for a good while.

Recently, it's gotten a touch better because they had a little talk the other day, but as long as this body's not hurt, I'll be good.

--Sarah