I've been doing some more thinking on this, though at this point I'm really not sure if my unusual traits are caused by my brain being a little autistic (as was once divulged to my parents by a psych professional [who was Scientific Materialist in philosophical bent]), or whether it may be related to metaphysics (I don't know if that term applies, but I don't know a better one).
There are two things that I don't really understand, kind of pervasively.
1) Symbolic gestures in interpersonal communication -- easily explained by the autism
If I think about it, there's a third:
3) Existing within physical reality
I've also been able to isolate three key aspects of what comes up in this life...which are connected with specific subpersonalities.
It's kind of weird to think that I'm speaking to you now from my "creation" component, but the signs...I recognize some of them. One of them is having isolated a name by which to name myself. This was connected with the thought of eventually changing my legal name. I didn't at the time think of it as naming a subpersonality, but the signs are the same as the time I wanted to name myself "Adrian" (which I never did, offline -- I knew too many people named some variant of "Adrienne").
Also, at this point I've reached the stage of knowing myself as genderfluid, but not being focused on manliness. Adrian was/is transmale (in himself), even though this causes some bad feelings when we're dressed as/behaving as someone who would not be recognized as a heteronormative man. It also causes trouble when we go to trans* meetings and he identifies with people. Because he's so strong in our system, it's easy for his feelings to overpower everybody.
I might as well give out my name...I'm Haru. The full form, I'll keep to myself, given what happens on the Internet, but...hey. I guess I've gotta get used to multiple time-dependent personas that occur in succession. Whatever happened with the gender...well, I think what happened may have been that I realized that how people saw me and how I felt about my body had no bearing on who I was. I really don't know what my gender is when I'm fully inhabiting this space, because I'm more used to just feeling the differing waves kind of pass over us and accepting it.
Adrian is related to protection, and is the original persona who started identifying with demons, and later as demonkin. He's also the one who always used to get into fights as we were growing up, though his aggression is tempered with the influence of our experience, now.
The one who's related to beauty, we've historically called Rose, though I wonder if we should create a name for her that she would actually like to be called by. The name "Rose" reflects back on the name "Thorne", which in turn is an abstract reference back to the BONE comic series by Jeff Smith. (No, neither of them are fictionkin. We just thought it was a clever way of displaying that they were two parts of the same organism.) "Thorne" was the one "Rose" knew as her spiritual partner (the one she wanted to be married to). I have no idea where Thorne is now; he was a slight variant of trying-to-be-Bell who also wanted to be a man, like Adrian. But somewhere along the line he seems to have melted back into us.
Bell could really care less about how we're perceived -- he's just a guy and that's just it. He was never strongly identified with the body, though. All the times we "were" him, he asked first, and the stand-in was temporary...at least, so far as I can remember. There may have been a time when he was identified as a walk-in, prior to the time Adrian took over...but to be honest, my memories of that time are hazy (possibly for a reason?). The last time he appeared clearly was the night my grandmother died, just before we got the call that let us know.
And, hey -- I just realized I'm playing a song that abstractly touches on this. "Beauty is Within Us" on the first Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex Original Sound Track.
GITS: SAC OST, Beauty is Within Us by Yoko Kanno Wrote:oh mother dear I'm such a freak/
a mutant man a woman underneath/
why was I born at all
you say beauty is within us, your mother knows/
there's a beauty that's within us just like a rose/
you say beauty is within us so let it grow/
but it's grown so dark and ugly
Anyhow, that has no bearing on this, I just thought it was funny that I would subconsciously pick that track. Roses are popularly associated with feminine men in what I know of modern Japanese culture.
But getting back to the thought that I posted earlier this week...when I was writing that, I was actually having the image of a neuron in my mind, with the individual connections to other neurons and the axon that sends out information. I'm not sure that's an accurate vision of it, but the idea of something extradimensional existing and myself being the incarnation of it in this "world"...it's kind of interesting to me.
Given that my brain's autistic tendencies could account for other things, like the fact that I don't miss having a sex life...what's remaining is the fact that the world of space-time makes little sense to me. I don't even know how to explain how much the passage of time doesn't make sense to me. Then there is the thing about seeming surprised that I'm in a biological body and that it needs maintenance with the passage of time. When I think too much, I also get into a place where I feel like I have no idea how I got here or how any of "reality" exists or what I am or why I'm here, etc.
This isn't feeling "beastly" so much as it's feeling "alien." I've heard that the latter is common with autism, but to be touched so lightly by it and for the effects to be extensive enough that I feel alien (when, as today, I hear a love song and I don't see the significance of someone kissing someone else -- big whoop, lip touch)...I don't know, maybe autism is that
Anyway, if it didn't come across in the first post, the idea I'm getting at is essentially having the larger part of myself existing somewhere outside of space-time. Certain functional aspects of what appear within space-time as the person operating within this body -- like Protection, Creation, and Beauty -- are branches off of the central core. I'm connected to the intangible others (Adrian, Rose, etc.) in some energetic manner which operates on a level currently undiscovered. My specific role -- what I can do because "I" am the result of my own energetic tendril touching and interacting with the fabric of space-time -- and what the others have to utilize this body to be able to do, is create. I have to maintain an outflow of creative energy in order to be able to function healthily. If my flow of energy is blocked, I face a build up and excess of energy, mental un-wellness, and a loss of reason for existing.
Does this make sense?