Consciousness, and how I bought into dualism
Not sure how much time I have to write here...
There are a couple of things going on with my situation (as it were)...most of which, I haven't really voiced IRL, so if I seem rambly, this is why. I am at this point considering the idea that I experience myself as plural on top of the idea that most of the beings which I experience as myself, tend to originate from what would normally be called "outside" this body. However, I'm assimilating more and more the idea that it's very possible that everyone's linked into a network which would make it improbable for an inexperienced person to tell "self-generated" headmates apart from "outsider" headmates.
The thing is that with consciousness, time and space seem to collapse. By that I mean that I have a very strong ...idea that consciousness itself spans different bodies and times, though it is only through interaction with forms which are enabled to utilize consciousness that consciousness is experienced. That is (and this entire next segment is hypothetical), consciousness permeates rocks, but rocks do not seem to be enabled to utilize consciousness. Consciousness also permeates people, who have highly specialized neural networks which enable them to utilize consciousness. This probably sounds way out there, but I'm trying to get this straight in my own mind...
So what I'm dealing with is the attempt to separate "outside" spirits from "inside" spirits/headmates, at the same time as I'm being told by an "outside" spirit (who I've often thought was an "inside" spirit), that there's no difference. It's just that "outside" spirits did not have their origin from within me, whereas "inside" spirits are generated from the experiences and circumstances of this lifetime (which the "outside" ones were not). Of course, this can also get blurry because "outside" spirits are synchronized with me to an extent, for one reason or another, and that's why I can feel them (and not the whole mass of everybody who's ever existed).
What's been happening recently as I've been trying to pin down a specific identity for myself is that I find myself cycling through names. I have records of this.
Of course when I'm dealing with what's basically transgender identity, it's not unusual for someone to pick a different name for themselves going forward. In my particular case, it hasn't been wholly necessary, but I've been working on it nonetheless. So there are at least 4 names that I've been through in a short period of time, not all of which saw themselves voiced in light of day, but which each felt subjectively "right" at some time. What I've noticed is that dependent on time and likely, other factors as well, certain names will sound "right," or "not so right," as though they're in reference to someone else (like a fictional character, or a "headmate"). I haven't been able to pin down the other factors which might contribute to what appears to be personality shifting...because this (right now) is really the first time in a long while that I've devoted any time to trying to figure this out. I've not been in the online multiple community because of repeated awful experiences, so I hope you all here can bear with me.
What can be said about this which is good, however, seems to be the idea that who I am will continue to exist after this body perishes, but I'll just be in a network of souls which can be brought up later, in the minds of others. A sort of instantly-accessible being that can be tapped with the right energetic synchronies. (And for some reason, I think of scents, as in Simim's "your energy smells funny" thread...)
A major problem I'd been grappling with is the problem of mortality and the problem of limited-scope experience (that is, why can I never experience life from a different perspective if consciousness is in all locations at all times), which just seems to be the nature of a new life. It's not that I don't have flashes of other places and times, but it wasn't necessarily *I* who was there to experience it. And right now...right now I'm in the middle of working on a seed of a story, within which I've conceptualized a character not too unlike myself *at this time*. Of course, who I am changes -- which helps when writing fiction, yeah -- but it's somewhat easier for me to talk about this with hir character in my mind, as sie's focused on this.
So basically that question -- as to why am I stuck with this perspective at all times -- is partially answered by the idea I'd brought up before, of life in general being a combination of awareness and materiality. That is (hypothesis alert), everyone has the dual qualities of having consciousness (I hesitate to use the term "sapience") and materiality. It's not that one is better than the other or that one should be strived to more than the other, but that we as living beings are like symbiotes. So the consciousness I experience as a normal human being, in my waking hours at least, is limited to what this body experiences, because effectually "I" am my body, even though "I" also extend beyond my body into some other realm where time and space collapse. But unless I can find a way to let go of my attachment to my own life, I'm not going to be able to see from other perspectives -- UNLESS, that is, I'm plural, and thus other perspectives may visit *me*, when they have a strong enough harmony with me. Thus I can effectually be other beings and see from their perspectives, without letting go of my attachment to my own life -- I just get disoriented in the process, as I don't expect my self-concept to change.
Is this making sense?